Wait! Is that Mrs. Garrett? Oh. It’s just Neil Goldstein. First, he sucks. Next, he takes up the obligatory cry of the quasi-determined by crying out, “This is MY dream. I’m not going ANYWHERE.” And then… he leaves.

Thanks for that, Neal. And yes… this was the entire first segment of the show. Thanks for that, Fox!

Click below to see the rest of the pack!

Jim Ranger is a Worship Pastor from Bakersfield. “Good voice… authentic!” says Simon.

Hey, what do you think, Avril Lavigne? “You’re married and you have three children, and you’re a pastor.” Way to read aloud from the application, Avril! Provocative! Is it too late to dump Ellen?

Avril says no to Pastor Jim! Did she just try to kill his dream? There’s a thirty-person congregation in Bakersfield she should no longer consider fans. In the post-interview, Pastor Jim blubbers about the possibilty of being able to provide for his family, making him the Official Sad Doll of the Week.

Here’s Damien Lefavor, this week’s Martial Arts Sandwich Maker. He’s better than last week’s Martial Arts Sandwich Maker, but not as good as the Martial Arts Sandwich Maker from Season Four.

Ryan teases, “coming up… we may have found the next Adam Lambert!” I say, “Great! Maybe we can prevent it early until we get the vaccine.”

Mary Powers sings Pat Benatar very well. Something tells me she’s going to tank during Debby Boone week.

Day two. Avril Lavigne is gone. Katy Perry is in, just in time for Austin Fulmer.

Austin’s looking forward to being “touched” a lot on stage. He’s a combination of Mick Jagger, Susan Anton, Waldo and those people who don’t have the gland to stop them from growing to the size of The Statue of Liberty. “Are these people frisked before they come in here?” Katy asks. Good one, Katy! Even though I still don’t know who you are.

Next comes the montage of hysterical wailing failures whose dreams have just been shattered… brought to you by Proactive, because according to Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne, I do not need pimples in my life. Yet another reminder that I am not this show’s target audience.


Andrew Garcia is the Hard Knocks Story this week. The child of Compton gang members, he’s looking for a better life for himself, his child and his wife, Judy Jetson.

Will Andrew move on? Let’s see?
Tape-package accompanied by tender piano? Check!
Dad crying in his kitchen at the miracle of his son’s triumph over adversity? Check!
Polite, reverent and submissive in front of the judges. Check!

But… he’s actually got a great voice! Am I the only person who would rather have heard more of the song and seen a little less of the After School Special back story? Can’t these people ever be sold to Americans on JUST the voice, or does Judy Blume need to be brought in for a re-write every single week? His little kid’s really cute, though.

Hello TASHA LAYTON! Sings Joss Stone, sings like Joss Stone. Cute and perky, which means hers will be the first mug shot uncovered by TMZ. She’s gong to Hollywood. She’s my favorite this week. Cool name, too. I can already see it on the Jumbo-tron outside the Staples Center.

Trapped in the body of a white girl is Jason Greene, who sang I Touch Myself by the Divynils, got down on his knees and invited Simon to join him. I was friends with a guy like Jason Greene right out of college. He was skinny, always had a sassy comeback, walked around like he was balancing a non-existent tray of ice waters on his hand, and had a lifesize cutout of Whitney in his bedroom. It was entertaining at first. After three months, I wanted to staple his hair to the Space Shuttle.

Cue the acoustic solo guitar… it’s the off-beat foster kid! Hey, I can make fun. The producers shot him… yes you saw it… walking along the side of a lonely railroad track and gazing longingly at the sky through a chain link fence. Cue the hammer over your head.


The only thing missing was a cameo from C. Thomas Howell as Pony Boy. Of course, he’s got a great voice and he even gets that rare sweeping camera shot that slowly pulls in tighter and tighter on his face when he goes for the big notes. “Just enough talent and just enough of a story…” proclaims Kara. “This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart,” shoots back Katie Perry. Then they both start snapping their fingers and sassing around for 10 seconds. I was waiting for one of them to say, “I know Simon and Randy uuused to do things for you, but what have they done for you laaate-lyyyyyy???

As for the kid’s shot at Hollywood…”Yes” times four, even though two of them were lower case.  Maybe he’ll grow on me.

And that’s it for Los Angeles. Next time I weigh in, I’ll refrain from taking my Mr. Blackwell pills until the following day.