Wait! Is that Mrs. Garrett? Oh. It’s just Neil Goldstein. First, he sucks. Next, he takes up the obligatory cry of the quasi-determined by crying out, “This is MY dream. I’m not going ANYWHERE.” And then… he leaves.

Thanks for that, Neal. And yes… this was the entire first segment of the show. Thanks for that, Fox!

Click below to see the rest of the pack!

Jim Ranger is a Worship Pastor from Bakersfield. “Good voice… authentic!” says Simon.

Hey, what do you think, Avril Lavigne? “You’re married and you have three children, and you’re a pastor.” Way to read aloud from the application, Avril! Provocative! Is it too late to dump Ellen?

Avril says no to Pastor Jim! Did she just try to kill his dream? There’s a thirty-person congregation in Bakersfield she should no longer consider fans. In the post-interview, Pastor Jim blubbers about the possibilty of being able to provide for his family, making him the Official Sad Doll of the Week.

Here’s Damien Lefavor, this week’s Martial Arts Sandwich Maker. He’s better than last week’s Martial Arts Sandwich Maker, but not as good as the Martial Arts Sandwich Maker from Season Four.

Ryan teases, “coming up… we may have found the next Adam Lambert!” I say, “Great! Maybe we can prevent it early until we get the vaccine.”

Mary Powers sings Pat Benatar very well. Something tells me she’s going to tank during Debby Boone week.

Day two. Avril Lavigne is gone. Katy Perry is in, just in time for Austin Fulmer.

Austin’s looking forward to being “touched” a lot on stage. He’s a combination of Mick Jagger, Susan Anton, Waldo and those people who don’t have the gland to stop them from growing to the size of The Statue of Liberty. “Are these people frisked before they come in here?” Katy asks. Good one, Katy! Even though I still don’t know who you are.

Next comes the montage of hysterical wailing failures whose dreams have just been shattered… brought to you by Proactive, because according to Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne, I do not need pimples in my life. Yet another reminder that I am not this show’s target audience.


Andrew Garcia is the Hard Knocks Story this week. The child of Compton gang members, he’s looking for a better life for himself, his child and his wife, Judy Jetson.

Will Andrew move on? Let’s see?
Tape-package accompanied by tender piano? Check!
Dad crying in his kitchen at the miracle of his son’s triumph over adversity? Check!
Polite, reverent and submissive in front of the judges. Check!

But… he’s actually got a great voice! Am I the only person who would rather have heard more of the song and seen a little less of the After School Special back story? Can’t these people ever be sold to Americans on JUST the voice, or does Judy Blume need to be brought in for a re-write every single week? His little kid’s really cute, though.

Hello TASHA LAYTON! Sings Joss Stone, sings like Joss Stone. Cute and perky, which means hers will be the first mug shot uncovered by TMZ. She’s gong to Hollywood. She’s my favorite this week. Cool name, too. I can already see it on the Jumbo-tron outside the Staples Center.

Trapped in the body of a white girl is Jason Greene, who sang I Touch Myself by the Divynils, got down on his knees and invited Simon to join him. I was friends with a guy like Jason Greene right out of college. He was skinny, always had a sassy comeback, walked around like he was balancing a non-existent tray of ice waters on his hand, and had a lifesize cutout of Whitney in his bedroom. It was entertaining at first. After three months, I wanted to staple his hair to the Space Shuttle.

Cue the acoustic solo guitar… it’s the off-beat foster kid! Hey, I can make fun. The producers shot him… yes you saw it… walking along the side of a lonely railroad track and gazing longingly at the sky through a chain link fence. Cue the hammer over your head.


The only thing missing was a cameo from C. Thomas Howell as Pony Boy. Of course, he’s got a great voice and he even gets that rare sweeping camera shot that slowly pulls in tighter and tighter on his face when he goes for the big notes. “Just enough talent and just enough of a story…” proclaims Kara. “This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart,” shoots back Katie Perry. Then they both start snapping their fingers and sassing around for 10 seconds. I was waiting for one of them to say, “I know Simon and Randy uuused to do things for you, but what have they done for you laaate-lyyyyyy???

As for the kid’s shot at Hollywood…”Yes” times four, even though two of them were lower case.  Maybe he’ll grow on me.

And that’s it for Los Angeles. Next time I weigh in, I’ll refrain from taking my Mr. Blackwell pills until the following day.

Boy, am I glad I didn’t grow up wanting to be a singer.

Of course, it wouldn’t have mattered. When I was a kid, the only place you could sing on television was The Mickey Mouse Club, The Lawrence Welk Show or The Gong Show. I don’t have a voice impressive enough for any of them, though I CAN sing the hell out of the harmony to “Karma Chameleon.” If you run into me on the street, be sure to ask.

Here’s this week’s “Sad Doll.” Her name is Katelyn. She played the “parents are divorcing” card when asked why she was auditioning for the show. Make sense? Me neither. Yeah yeah… if mom’s the one who’s shattered, shouldn’t mom be doing something to improve her own life?

Cooking class? Square dancing? Butterfly collecting?

Pinning all your hopes on your daughter Katelyn is probably going to lead to a lot of drunken holiday conflicts in the decades ahead. Katelyn had a good voice though, even if her “story” was a little too paint-by-numbers. She’s going to Hollywood.

Say hello to walking energy drink, Amy Lang! She’s sassy! She’s peppy! She’s PLUS-SIZED! Wow, I have NEVER seen this on television before!

We get your angle, Amy. You’re trying to “stand out.”

Might work in a job interview at Pup ‘n Taco, but this “chipper beyond belief” routine has been tired since Natalie on The Facts of Life.

Save it for Lifetime, sister.

This week, the role of Dakota Fanning will be played by Charity Vance. Bubbly, sweet, sings in the home hair salon run by her parents.

Eee gads. I’m just waiting for Glinda to appear in her floating bubble. This is the kind of girl who twirls around in her house because she loves Christmas JUST… THAT… MUCH. Hey, she’s auditioning with “Summertime.” That’s original.

Wait a minute… she can really sing. This girl is only 16? Her voice is a little mousy and undefined, but again, she’s only 16. Not bad. Let’s get Charity to Hollywood and dirty her up a little.

Angela Martin is auditioning for her third time. Previously, she made it to Hollywood and dropped out because of a traffic violation warrant??? Is it just me, or does anyone else think there’s more to the story than that? Well, she’s going to Hollywood, so maybe we’ll find out.

Here comes this week’s William Hung. He was in the army. He used to sing. He was told to stop. He didn’t. He got in trouble. This adds up to “I should audition for American Idol.” Oh dear…. he’s doing Tiny Tim. I couldn’t understand him when he was talking. I thought he said he was going to do something by Tommy Tune. Then the judges ask, “is this a joke?” as if they haven’t watched these “bogus” auditions for the last nine seasons. Is anyone still expecting Simon Cowell to act shocked that a talentless mentally-damaged slag is being presented to him? Could this be the reason he’s not coming back for more?

Stay tuned… they just teased the “beat the odds” auditioner (who’d have guessed?)… after these messages.

We like JOHN PARK – parents against his singing, good voice, needs to eliminate the Lego snap-on hair. Shania Twain said he had a beautiful bottom end AND nice lips AND a good head. Keep swinging around those blouse ribbons, Shania (I’m sure there’s a technical name for what they are, but I don’t know it).

And we are yet AGAIN teased with the “beat the odds” auditioner.” Should I just go ahead and say she’s going to make it to Hollywood?

And here she is… Asthma-stricken Paige. Passed out at 15 during a singing lesson… 30% chance of survival… still here. I’m not knocking it, or even doubting it. She’s got a great voice and I want to hear more. But, really, was it worth the build-up? Nah. Her voice is ok, but even the judges were not overly-impressed. They seemed to respond more to her sweet nature and pretty hair (extensions). There was very little drama to squeeze out of this one, but she’s going to Hollywood, so clearly the producers think there could be a season-long story arc. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Finally, I’d like Ryan to stop saying “golden ticket” every other minute, but I guess until the show gets to Hollywood, it’s tough to find anything for him to do.