American Idol – Los Angeles Auditions

I never thought this blog would include the words “Avril” or “Lavigne,” but here she is, guest-judging in L.A., fresh from entertaining the kiddies at the Maurice Sendak family park. Thanks for that, Avril!

And we’re starting off right away with useless filler coated in a slight psychotic glaze. They make up more than half the population here, you know.

Wait! Is that Mrs. Garrett? Oh. It’s just Neil Goldstein. First, he sucks. Next, he takes up the obligatory cry of the quasi-determined by crying out, “This is MY dream. I’m not going ANYWHERE.” And then… he leaves.

Thanks for that, Neal. And yes… this was the entire first segment of the show. Thanks for that, Fox!

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American Idol – Chicago Auditions

Time to take a look at the Chicago auditioner highlights.

Boy, am I glad I didn’t grow up wanting to be a singer.

Of course, it wouldn’t have mattered. When I was a kid, the only place you could sing on television was The Mickey Mouse Club, The Lawrence Welk Show or The Gong Show. I don’t have a voice impressive enough for any of them, though I CAN sing the hell out of the harmony to “Karma Chameleon.” If you run into me on the street, be sure to ask.

Here’s this week’s “Sad Doll.” Her name is Katelyn. She played the “parents are divorcing” card when asked why she was auditioning for the show. Make sense? Me neither. Yeah yeah… if mom’s the one who’s shattered, shouldn’t mom be doing something to improve her own life?

Cooking class? Square dancing? Butterfly collecting?

Pinning all your hopes on your daughter Katelyn is probably going to lead to a lot of drunken holiday conflicts in the decades ahead. Katelyn had a good voice though, even if her “story” was a little too paint-by-numbers. She’s going to Hollywood.

Say hello to walking energy drink, Amy Lang! She’s sassy! She’s peppy! She’s PLUS-SIZED! Wow, I have NEVER seen this on television before!

We get your angle, Amy. You’re trying to “stand out.”

Might work in a job interview at Pup ‘n Taco, but this “chipper beyond belief” routine has been tired since Natalie on The Facts of Life.

Save it for Lifetime, sister.

This week, the role of Dakota Fanning will be played by Charity Vance. Bubbly, sweet, sings in the home hair salon run by her parents.

Eee gads. I’m just waiting for Glinda to appear in her floating bubble. This is the kind of girl who twirls around in her house because she loves Christmas JUST… THAT… MUCH. Hey, she’s auditioning with “Summertime.” That’s original.

Wait a minute… she can really sing. This girl is only 16? Her voice is a little mousy and undefined, but again, she’s only 16. Not bad. Let’s get Charity to Hollywood and dirty her up a little.

Angela Martin is auditioning for her third time. Previously, she made it to Hollywood and dropped out because of a traffic violation warrant??? Is it just me, or does anyone else think there’s more to the story than that? Well, she’s going to Hollywood, so maybe we’ll find out.

Here comes this week’s William Hung. He was in the army. He used to sing. He was told to stop. He didn’t. He got in trouble. This adds up to “I should audition for American Idol.” Oh dear…. he’s doing Tiny Tim. I couldn’t understand him when he was talking. I thought he said he was going to do something by Tommy Tune. Then the judges ask, “is this a joke?” as if they haven’t watched these “bogus” auditions for the last nine seasons. Is anyone still expecting Simon Cowell to act shocked that a talentless mentally-damaged slag is being presented to him? Could this be the reason he’s not coming back for more?

Stay tuned… they just teased the “beat the odds” auditioner (who’d have guessed?)… after these messages.

We like JOHN PARK – parents against his singing, good voice, needs to eliminate the Lego snap-on hair. Shania Twain said he had a beautiful bottom end AND nice lips AND a good head. Keep swinging around those blouse ribbons, Shania (I’m sure there’s a technical name for what they are, but I don’t know it).

And we are yet AGAIN teased with the “beat the odds” auditioner.” Should I just go ahead and say she’s going to make it to Hollywood?

And here she is… Asthma-stricken Paige. Passed out at 15 during a singing lesson… 30% chance of survival… still here. I’m not knocking it, or even doubting it. She’s got a great voice and I want to hear more. But, really, was it worth the build-up? Nah. Her voice is ok, but even the judges were not overly-impressed. They seemed to respond more to her sweet nature and pretty hair (extensions). There was very little drama to squeeze out of this one, but she’s going to Hollywood, so clearly the producers think there could be a season-long story arc. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Finally, I’d like Ryan to stop saying “golden ticket” every other minute, but I guess until the show gets to Hollywood, it’s tough to find anything for him to do.