The Kitchen is Broken! The Top 10 Tv Food and Drink for 2012


Tv Food and Drink’s Central Nervous System has gone into the shop for graphics card repairs. We should be back at full power in time for the 1/23/12 episode of The Bachelor. Until then, please feel free to wander down memory lane with my top 10 articles of 2012 (so far), including Bachelor, Celebrity Apprentice, Dancing with the Stars, cookies, arsonists, hot dogs, pizza and Sarah Michelle Gellar’s visit to Alcoholics Anonymous!


1.) Bachelor 16-1 Recap: Winemaker Ben “Sloppylocks” Flajnik Seeks SWF to Help Squeeze His Grapes

2.) Nacho Dogs

3.) Celebrity Apprentice: Are you becoming more and more curious to see what Lil John looks like without those stupid glasses?

Ringer Sarah Michelle Gellar The CW4.) Watching: Ringer: Pilot (The CW)

5.) Five Things I Learned From the Hollywood Arsonist OR “Cornmeal Thyme Cookies”

6.) Tv Food and Drink: Podcast #1 Featuring Sammy Davis Jr, Ann-Margret and Frank Sinatra

7.) Chipotle Chicken and Apple Pizza

Nancy Grace Nipple Slip Wardrobe Malfunction Dancing with the Stars8.) Dancing with the Stars: Nancy Grace Nipple Slip Twitter-Cap

9.) The Bachelor 15-5: Brad Womack and the Two We Know Are Gonna Be in the Finals

10.) Portobello Buffalo Burgers

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: May 15, 2011

Well… an interesting thing happened in my life between my recap of last week’s Apprentice and my recap of tonight’s Apprentice.  Ready for it… here it comes…  I GOT FIRED!

Sorta.

Of course, it didn’t go down nearly as cool in real life as it does on Celebrity Apprentice.

I wasn’t in a fashionable suit sitting in a comfy leather chair on a nicely lit set made to look like a boardroom.  And I didn’t get the cobra hand from The Donald.

Even worse, I didn’t even get a chance to go all Nene Leakes on any of my co-workers before it went down.  No calling out the camera guys for trying to play all strategic and throw me under the bus.  No poking my finger at the college intern shouting, “Who the FUCK MADE YOU in charge of project managers, Ghost Face!”  And no marching up to the guy who re-fills the toilet paper holders to scream, “Oh!  You pressed the last button on me!  And I’m gonna do you in a way the rest of these girls won’t!  Now where’s Barbara Walters, bitch!?”

No, it wasn’t nearly as cool as all that.  We were collected as a staff onto our stage and told our show was simply no longer going to be in production.  I guess technically that means I didn’t actually get fired.  I mean, no one said I couldn’t keep showing up to my office if I wanted to.  The guy who’s gonna be in there now might not be happy about it, but once he tried my cheesecake marble brownies and saw my killer impression of a life-size marionette, I’m pretty sure he’d be up for working out a time-share.

One thing we did do well at GSN Live immediately after turning the lights out on just over three years in production was indulge in ONE HELL of a wrap party this past Friday, courtesy of our show’s host Bob Guiney. It started at about 4 in the afternoon and finally ran out of gas at about 3 in the morning.  I demonstrated the partying abilities of a 19 year old!  It was incredible.  People were thrown into the pool!  An eye-popping amount of those sneaky little blue plastic cups crowded every corner of every room.  Plus there was dip!  A good time was had by all!

Or at least we think a good time was had by all.  Most of us can’t remember.  And the rest of us haven’t turned up yet.


But please don’t feel sorry for me.  I’ve already started a list of fun and productive things to do with my newly found time off.  Tomorrow, I’m going to flip my mattress, and then I’m going to replace my toothbrush.  After that I’m off to organize my vitamins and fish out all the food between the cushions of my couch.  Also included on my productivity list are the following tasks: “Do a lot of stuff,” “Throw shit out,” “Exercise somehow,” and “Get up before 2 in the afternoon”  There’s also something scribbled on there about “finding a silver lining,” but that sounds like its gonna be too much work.

Anyway, enough about me and my perilous career fortunes.  You’re clearly here to find out what happened on last night’s Celebrity Apprentice. And I fully intend to report it to you in nauseating detail.  After all, what the hell else do I have to do?

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: May 8, 2011

Before we get into tonight’s Celebrity Apprentice… I have to say, DAMN PHOEBE CATES!   Looking good!

Phoebe showed up with her husband, Kevin Kline, to the charity comedy show presented by Team Backbone. Why they were both there is anyone’s guess, and in typical Apprentice fashion, never addressed.

But it was good to see Miss Cates again, wasn’t it?  She holds a very special place in my heart.  You see, between her topless poolside scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and her ostrich-feathered-clad meowing delivery of the line, “Which one of you bitches is my mother?” in the classic trashy miniseries Lace, Phoebe single-handedly kept me from being able to accurately determine my sexual preference until well into my college years.

Dancing with the Stars, are you paying attention?  There is an entire generation of pushing forty-somethings that would tune it to watch this girl in the arms of Mark Ballas.  Get on that.

Now… on to tonight’s Celebrity Apprentice.  And if we learned anything tonight, we learned that three hours of this show is at least an hour and forty-five minutes too much.  Even worse, the first ninety minutes of this double-challenge episode were filled with such love, camaraderie and admiration, it might as well have been a family reunion at Pat Boone’s house.  Where were the petty squabbles?  Where was the name calling? Where was the horrifically offensive bad grammar that spills out from the mouths of these celebrities when their tempers get the best of them.

Yes, Nene Leakes, I’m talking to you.  Just when you finally win me over, you up and abandon me!

Somewhere between Nene’s verbal pummeling of Star Jones last week  – some of the best television Celebrity Apprentice or any reality show for that matter has delivered to my living room all year long – and the beginning of this week’s episode, Nene done completely lost her nerve along with, apparently, her marbles and bailed on the show altogether.  Her flimsy excuse was that Trump had given in to Star by sending Nene over to the other team, but that didn’t really make any sense, did it?

So what exactly was it that sent Nene voluntarily packing?  Was it the ever-increasing stakes?  The ever-diminishing wimpy celebrities left for Nene to hide behind?  No, Nene just has some good PR people in her corner.  After all, the rest of the celebrities are simply fired by Donald Trump.  Everyone’s seen that. Nene’s the only one who’s stepping out of the running on her own, no explanation given, and as far as Nene is concerned, none required.

This kind of exit is going to send Nene’s star further along than just waiting around for Trump to cut off her head.  After all, you’re not seeing David Cassidy, Hope What’s Her Name or Richard Hatch turning up on The Joy Behar Show to discuss their appearances on the show, are you?  No.  Nene was smart to go out this way, I’d say.  She probably knew that winning was clearly was not in the cards for her.  Miss Leakes seems to have seen the writing on the wall. And Trump, never one to allow an upstaging did all he could to discredit her:  “You’re fired… and you’re a quitter AND Star Jones kicked your ass …whether you like it or not!” Too little, too late, Mister Trump.  You can take your ball back onto the playground.  No one’s interested in stealing it from you.

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: April 17, 2011


“He’s either a genius or a moron… I can’t figure it out,” said Donald Trump tonight of Gary Busey.

He’s got to be the only one left in the country.

Slap Crackers Busey, despite a six episode blitz of laziness, obnoxiousness, incoherence, random mumblings, meaningless acronyms, and this week… kitty-cat impressions (!), continues to sail through every boardroom chopping block session completely unscathed. I’m beginning to suspect that the man with a mouthful of nothing but incisors is secretly in possession of a birth certificate proving current Republican front-runner Trump was actually born in The Democratic Republic of the Congo. That’s the only way I can make sense of it.

Nah, I’m kidding. We all know that Gary Busey continues to live so that others competing on this season’s Celebrity Apprentice may scream, bellow and chew off their own tongues in frustration over having to work alongside a useless, seemingly unwitting saboteur who supplies nothing but chaos and destruction everywhere he goes. And like every other Apprentice viewer out there, I’m getting really tired of it.

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: April 3, 2011


Welcome to Celebrity Apprentice, soon to be re-titled Trump Loves Gary!

In its ever-increasingly creative ways to find excuses for The Donald to keep Slap-Crackers Busey around for just one… more… week, Celebrity Apprentice, in only its fifth episode of the season, has already roared right up to that delicate line that separates credibility from totally-orchestrated TV bullshit.

And we’re talking about the line for reality television here, folks, which is a much further drive to begin with.

The extent to with Trump had to go to keep Gary Busey in slacks and loafers beyond tonight’s boardroom was such a reach it wasn’t even fun to watch.  I literally placed both palms of my hands against my temples and rubbed aggressively in circles until it was all over.

And if the dull and painfully forced boardroom sequence wasn’t long enough, it came after nearly two hours of watching Good ‘Ole Boy John Rich and Sweet As Pie Marlee Matlin NOT do battle in one of the least interesting (and ironically, single most financially successful) tasks in Apprentice history.

It was about as dramatic as playing UNO with the babysitter.

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: March 27, 2011

Are you becoming more and more curious to see what Lil John looks like without those stupid glasses?  If so, click through.  There’s a pic at the end of this recap.

With each passing week of this season’s Celebrity Apprentice, I’m finding myself more and more in love with Nene Leakes and less and less bothered by the standard BS she’s been endlessly delivering on the talk show circuit where she never misses an opportunity to more or less crucify fellow ASAP team member Star Jones under the guise of “keeping it real.”

I have never seen an episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, but I’m guessing that Ms. Leakes is more than capable of serving up a platter full of bitch martinis whenever necessary.  But so far on Apprentice, aside from the occasional remark that tends to be exceeded in its snarkiness by the fact it’s simply RIGHT ON THE MONEY (are you listening, Dionne Warwick?), Nene Leakes is far outshining Gary Busey as the most interesting member of this season’s candidates.

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: March 20, 2011


Well, you have to get up pretty late in the day to look more slap-crackers than Gary Busey. Yet somehow, supermodel Niki Taylor managed to pull off the impossible. Should we have all been tipped off when she made it clear she wasn’t sure which century we were living in… the twentieth or the twenty-first?

And I don’t mean to say it became obvious she didn’t know…. I mean to say she made it clear she didn’t know. When you have to defer to a Playboy centerfold to confirm what century you’re currently living and breathing in, you’re just begging to have your ass canned.

I thought nothing was going to top this remark made by Gary early on as he argued with Meat Loaf about throwing him under the bus after last week’s challenge: “Don’t tell me what I’m not doing when I’m doing what you don’t think I’m doing.”

But that was nothing compared to the gem Niki delivered a little later: “It was important that I go with Hope to the graphic designer because we’re both models… and I needed that energy.”

Supermodel Niki, didn’t I tell you TWO WEEKS AGO that this “sunnyside-up-we’re-all-friends-routine” was gonna get you nowhere? But if you’d come across as just someone who was all niceness and manners, I might have been able to forgive you. But after you and the centerfold figured out together (using Google, I might add) which century we were currently living in, you then WENT ON to sell the camping products that were the heart of this week’s challenge to prospective customers as “a camper for the twentieth century!”

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: March 13, 2011

Who else could annoy her own team so much only two weeks into this season’s Celebrity Apprentice than little Lisa Rinna…. bubbly, flighty, flirty, over-enthusiastic, under-confident, wide-eyed, big-lipped, leopard-printed Lisa Rinna. The coven of backstabbers known as TEAM ASAP was nearly united at pushing little deficient Lisa into this week’s Project Manager position and then immediately piling on top her anytime she tried to actually construct a complete declarative sentence.  I’m not a fan, so I can’t say I blanched.

This week the teams, still segregated by gender, were required to write an original children’s book and then perform it on stage for a group of kindergartners.  Leading Team Backbone this week was Meat Loaf… ‘cuz there’s nothing kids flock to faster than an strange, sixty-something, balding bug-eyed man who starts the kiddie show with the line, “Hello… how are you… AM I SCARRRYY???”

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap: March 6, 2011

Remember the very first season of The Apprentice… when it was just regular people?  Back then, provided you didn’t pay too much attention, you could have convinced yourself that winning the game opened up life-changing career possibilities for hard-working well-educated young business turks looking for a chance to stand out from the crowd and make their way in the world.  After all, the final two contenders for that first title were Bill Rancic, an honest to goodness entrepreneur, and Harvard MBA holder, Kwame Jackson. These were people Donald Trump could have actually used in his organization.

What’s he gonna do this year if Meat Loaf wins?

Well, stunt casting is nothing new.  Most long-standing but slowly-eroding television shows fall back on it when they want to squeeze out a few more seasons before making their final head first flops into the grave.  And hey… at least there’s some camera operators who won’t have to worry about house payments for another few years, and editors that get to send their kids to college without sweating it. And that chick who plays the “receptionist” outside Trump’s “boardroom” may finally get her SAG card!

So, maybe it doesn’t matter that it’s actually impossible to truly root for anyone on Celebrity Apprentice, but is anyone even asking us to?  After all, the show is billing LaToya Jackson as an “entertainment icon.”  The producers might as well just turn the cameras on themselves and wink directly at us.

It’s men vs. women to start things off, and despite my rooting for Gary Busey’s suggestion of “Sperm Farmers” as team name, the guys voted unanimously on “Team Backbone,” then once again voted unanimously to let former Survivor Richard Hatch lead them on Team Task Number One, which means none of them have yet to show any backbone whatsoever.

But it’s even richer with the ladies.  They got super clever with the name “Team ASAP.” You may think that stands for “as soon as possible,” but that’s why you’re not on Celebrity Apprentice, ya big dumb loser!  The ladies came up with their own brand spanking new acronym for ASAP.  It’s really catchy too.  Witness Latoya explain it to The Donald during the very first boardroom meeting.

“It stands for… Actors, Singers, Authors and Performers.. I mean Artists, Singers, Actors.. I mean Authors… Artists, Singers, Authors and Perfomrers… I mean Professionals. (giggle giggle)  I keep forgetting we’re professionals!”

Cue the team “snap” at the end.  That didn’t rob anyone of credibility, did it?

P.S. Marlee Matlin has an Oscar.  And it’s not even for supporting.

Task Number One: Each team will run a pizza parlor… my fantasy job.  Team Backbone will be staking out a pie joint near a local college.  Team ASAP, led by Star Jones, will be in the high falutin’ theatre district.  Trump makes out like this is gonna ultimately make some kind of important difference in the results, but after this it’s never mentioned again.

Let the cheese fly!

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