First… what do you make for dinner that will be satisfying and delicious, but super-easy because you started drinking champagne at four o’clock in the the afternoon and don’t have the energy to attempt anything even remotely ambitious?

Second… is it possible to eat a fantastic deep-fried tortilla loaded down with crab meat, jalapeño, avocado, tomato, onion, lime, and cotija cheese ONE-HANDED and NOT drop morsels onto the table?

The answer to the first question: Crab Tostadas.

The answer to the second question: No Fucking Way.

MG and I spent the morning at our favorite breakfast spot, Vintage Enoteca on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood, then on to the Fairfax-Beverly Farmer’s Market where I loaded up on about thirty dollars worth of produce… and then back to Vintage for some 4pm mimosas and champagne mixed with blueberry simple sugar.

I don’t know what the name of this drink is, and I’m not sure that the owners of Vintage Enoteca have given it a name either… at least not one that might catch on, like Harvey Wallbanger or Bloody Mary.  They might want to consider naming it after me, because I’m about to start ordering it on a regular basis.

The recipe is easy…  champagne, blueberry-flavored simple sugar (which I didn’t know existed), and three fresh blueberries tossed in for a glam factor.

The narrow glass kept the champagne fizzing nicely and the blueberries bouncing gleefully between the top and the bottom of the drink, which created quite a show.

MG and I were truly mesmerized by the beauty of it. If you’ve ever looked at a lava lamp and thought to yourself, “… if only drinkable…,” this is the beverage for you.

It’s not the kind of drink I normally go for… at all…  but I loved it… so, I had a couple of them… but I wasn’t ready for the effect that champagne would have on me… or the bubbles… nope, I wasn’t ready for them… and before I knew it… I was singing… along to Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive” pumping through the restaurant via satellite radio… quite loudly.

Hi.  My name is Gary.  I’m half in the bag at 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon.  And I like Bon Jovi.

But here’s something good for YOU to know!  If you ever find yourself half in the bag at 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon listening to Bon Jovi, the recipe I’m about to give you is perfect for a dinner you can still manage to pull off successfully.  And you’ll most likely score some major kudos to boot!  I know, because I did it!

Yes, it does involve some knife-work, so if you’re still feeling the “champagne-wobbles,” you might want to nap or bless yourself with a cold shower before heading into your kitchen. But prep is minimal, clean-up is super-fast, and the payoff is wonderfully flavor-packed and completely satisfying.  So get yourself soused, pull out the knives, and chop up the veggies… it’s crab tostadas!  The perfect meal for the mildly inebriated!

Crab Tostadas
1 pound lump crabmeat
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
3 tablespoons finely chopped red onion (I substituted a white onion)
1 jalapeño, stemmed and finely chopped
3 plum tomatoes, cored, seeded, and chopped
1/2 cup crumbled cotija cheese
1/4 cup lightly packed cilantro leaves, chopped
2 limes, finely grated zest and juice
1 lime, sliced
Salt, black pepper, hot sauce to taste
Sour Cream
8 flat tostada shells, packaged or homemade
1 avocado, pitted and thinly sliced
Cilantro sprigs

Drain the crab meat and pick through with your fingers to remove any cartilage.
Add the oil, mayonnaise, onion, jalapeño, tomatoes, cilantro, and lime zest and juice to the crabmeat. Gently fold (or toss) all ingredients until well blended. Season well with salt, pepper and hot sauce.

Top each tostada shell with a few slices of avocado, place a generous serving of the crabmeat mixture over it, and garnish with a sprig of cilantro and the cotija cheese. Serve with lime wedges and sour cream on the side.

The next version of this meal will include some pinto beans and some chopped pickled jalapeños WITH seeds thrown in with the crab mixture, because I don’t think this meal would have suffered from some additional heat.  If extra heat isn’t your style, keep the recipe as is, and you’ll love it.

And a note… this meal is good, but messy.  Make sure you advise your diners to eat directly over their plates.  MG thought he had learned enough from his first tostada to manage devouring his second without dropping anything onto the plate or table below him, but a structural failure in the tostada itself proved to ruin his master plan, along with his clean wrist.

Poor baby.

I love you, Michael Granberry.

Tacos usually hit my table at least every seven days, packed with well-seasoned chicken or turkey simmered for at least ninety minutes in a bath of chopped onion, jalapeno and bell peppers, garlic and cayenne pepper (sprinkled in sparingly if guests are coming, generously if it’s just MG and me, and enough to turn the entire pan crimson if it’s me alone)

Apartment 402 was the place to be this past Tuesday night as MG made for me a celebratory “back from San Fran” mountain of crunchy-tender-succulent happiness that nearly made my eyes pop out of my head like a wolf in a Tex Avery cartoon!

MG’s “Almost Famous Tacos” are always accompanied by a slew of hot sauces courtesy of our favorite brand, Day of the Dead, including jalapeno, cayenne, chipotle, habanero, scotch bonnet, and serrano hot. Mix in a cool dollop of chilled sour cream, load some of these oil-fried miracles onto a plate, head to the couch, and be prepared to sit there comfortably sated for the next three hours, with the occasional groan, belly rub or begging of your partner to be the one to get up to load the plates up a second and third time.


And if you love to end a taco evening with a definite “two-lap” cat to keep you company while you enjoy watching The Joy Behar Show next to a handsome fellow who does a terrific Joy impression, you can get that too!

So come over next Tuesday. As you can see, there’s plenty for everyone!

MG can create gold from any ingredients (and more importantly, any lack of ingredients) lying around.  I’ll catch him surveying the contents of my cabinets and fridge and ask, “what are you looking for?” and without even glancing over at me, he’ll simply reply, “I’m just looking.”

Akin to the thrill of returning from a restaurant bathroom to find your food awaiting you at the table is the thrill I get from returning from picking up our morning coffees to find the most eye-popping breakfast coming together in the kitchen. This morning, he really outdid himself. I helped by having nearly every ingredient he went searching for on hand. Together, we are the perfect breakfast-making machine. All we need to do is throw in mimosas, Bloody Marys and maybe hire a Celtic harpist and we could open for business tomorrow!

Follow the link for more pics and the recipe.

Scrambled Egg Towers

• 5 eggs (without the yolks, MG suggests throwing an extra egg in)
• 2 tortillas (3 to 4 inches diameter)
• 4 tbsp olive oil, separated
• 1-2 mild Italians sausages, uncooked
• 1/2 small red bell pepper, chopped
• 1/2 small yellow bell pepper, chopped
• 1/4 small onion, chopped
• a few pinches of dill
• 2 tbsp finely grated Parmesan cheese
• 1/4 cup grated mozzarella cheese
• salt and pepper to taste

Heat up 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a pan.  Break up your sausage, throw into the pan and let brown – medium heat.  As it does, start your omelette base  in a large mixing bowl with the eggs, salt and pepper , a tablespoon of water, peppers, onions and the dill. Stir well and once the sausage is cooked through, poor omelette base into it.  Add in the two tablespoons of Parmesan cheese. Scramble on low heat and continue to stir so nothing sticks to the pan, allowing to cook for 5-7 minutes.

Fry tortillas in olive oil in a separate skillet. Put each tortilla on a plate, pile on the sausage veggie scramble.  Cover with  1/4 cup of grated mozzarella and zap for about 40 seconds in microwave or until cheese has melted.  Dot with jabanero or scotch bonnet sauce and serve immediately.

Mine was so filling I couldn’t finish it and still be able to consider myself a responsible adult.  MG, after a few pit stops, didn’t have the same problem as you can see below.

I really dislike this holiday… always have.  The demand all around me to celebrate it is annoying.  When I was younger, I, alongside all my friends, hooted and reveled until the sun came up, but even then I was faking it.  The start of a year holds absolutely no significance for me.  I don’t care to reflect, or to prioritize ambitions and yet-to-attain goals.  The only thing the dawn of the first day of a new year means to me is that I’m going to have to wait longer to use all of the equipment at my gym to make room for all those idiot-resolutioners who crowd the place for the first three weeks of January because this year they’re “really gonna do it!”

Ugh.

By the way, Dick Clark couldn’t count down from 20 seconds without faltering.  I know I’m not supposed to notice it, but I did, and I think he should hand the whole show over to Ryan Seacrest next year.  I love Dick Clark, but it’s time to retire.

So this year, I didn’t force myself to go out against my better judgment, and I didn’t even call anyone at midnight to wish them well.  From the sound of things in my apartment building, no one else did either.  But I still had a fantastic night, watching MSNBC documentaries on Patty Hearst and David Koresh, drinking martinis, and making tacos with my sweetie.

Here’s what you need:

• 1 to 1 1/2 pounds of turkey meat or ground beef (or pork, or chicken, whatever floats your New Year’s boat)
• 1 bell pepper, finely chopped
• 2 tomatoes, diced
• 1 cup of black or cannellini beans
• 1/2 onion, finely chopped
• whatever peppers you may have on hand… 1-2, say it with me now… finely chopped
• white corn tortillas, 4 to 6 inches in diameter
• sour cream
• 1 to 1 1/2 cups shredded pepper jack cheese
• hot sauce of your choice along with salt and pepper to taste
• olive oil
• 1 cup tomatillo sauce – you can get the recipe for that right here

This recipe is about as easy as it gets, but it’s one of my favorites because MG and I make it together. It’s an equal work distribution between us. I prepare the meat, and MG takes it home by frying up and folding over the tortillas… a talent I have yet to master.

First, cook your meat with the peppers and onions. Add 1 cup of water and the tomatillo sauce for extra flavor, turn down the heat, and let simmer, making sure to stir every few minutes. I like to keep it on the fire for about a half an hour. You should time it out so that you are just letting it swim in a final puddle of fluid when you take it off the stove, so keep an eye on it and add water if you want to simmer it longer. The longer the better, I always say.

MG takes over from there, heating a second pan with olive oil. The tortillas should sizzle the moment they touch the pan. If not, let the pan heat longer. He cooks them open with cheese, beans and tomatoes distributed for 6-8 tacos.  Once they begin to crisp, he folds them, using the side of the pan and a spatula, and then quickly flips them over.

And that’s pretty much it. Let the tortillas brown a bit on both sides, scoop them out, and let them dry for a few minutes on a paper towel to absorb the excess oil. Garnish with sour cream, more tomatillo sauce, and the hot sauce of your choice.

And BONUS! You get great leftovers for your New Year’s morning omelettes, which were spectacular!  Trust me… knowing all these goodies await you in the morning will help you suffer through the dragging arduous pain that is known as the Rose Parade.

And for the record, i wasn’t the only one in the house underwhelmed by New Year’s Eve.

Z was out by 10:45. Not even promises of The Muppet Movie at midnight were enough to keep him interested.

Even though it’s my least favorite holiday… Happy New Year and good eating to you in 2010!

A “Day of the Dead” hot sauce collection found its way under our Christmas tree this year, courtesy of MG.  I added Serrano pepper sauce to the tomatillos below, but I will permit equal time to MG’s new favorite, Scotch Bonnet sauce.  The Scotch Bonnet pepper is often mistaken for the Habanero and is one of the hottest peppers in the world, which means I will eventually come to worship at its altar as well.  Used primarily in Caribbean dishes, Scotch Bonnets are a must for any Jamaican jerk sauce.  A dab to the tongue initiates with a zippy tang followed immediately by an intense blaze that lives up to its heat rating of 100,000 – 350,000 Scoville units.  By comparison, a jalapeno rates just 2,500 to 8,000.


Tomatillos may be used raw in salsas or salads or cooked for sauces. Cooking enhances the flavor and softens its skin, but the result is a soupy consistency since the fruit collapses after a few minutes.  Still wrapped in their husks, the little devils could add a bit of decoration to your table, but other than that, the husks are useless and must be peeled off before throwing the tom-toms into any dish.

Aside from their eyepopping tanginess, tomatillos pack a nutritional punch as well. One medium raw tomatillo contains only 11 calories, but carries 91 mg. of potassium, 4 mg. of vitamin C, 2.4 mg of calcium, 2.38 mg. of folic acid, and 39 IU of vitamin A.

For the tomatillo sauce:

• 1 pound fresh tomatillos
• 1 Anaheim pepper, seeded and chopped
• 1 cup fresh cilantro leaves
• 1 garlic clove, peeled and chopped
• 1 white onion, peeled and chopped
• 1 tbsp Serrano pepper sauce (Day of the Dead)

Peel the husks off the tomatillos and boil in salted water for ten minutes.  Drain all but 1/2 cup of the liquid, and puree the tomatillos, liquid and the rest of the ingredients until desired consistency is reached

For the guacamole:

• 3 ripe tomatoes, chopped
• 1/4 cup fresh cilantro leaves
• 1 medium white onion
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 Anaheim pepper
• 1/4 – 1/2 cup of lime juice
• 6-8 ripe and unbruised avocados
• 1/2 tablespoon cayenne pepper
• salt and pepper to taste

Mix all the ingredients except the avocados by hand in a bowl or in a food processor.  Just before serving, peel and coarsely mash the avocados.  Stir in the tomato mixture, add salt and pepper and serve immediately.

As long as you’ve got the sour cream and the shrimp, you most likely have something else in the kitchen that’s gonna take your dip to the finish line. Shrimp swim well with pretty much anything. I had to wait an hour the other night for the dumb heteros to get out of the jacuzzi in my apartment courtyard before I ventured in, but shrimp aren’t that picky. They’ll float along with whatever’s around – celery, dill, horseradish, ranch dressing, etc. You’d think that two straight guys in a jacuzzi together would start to feel a little uncomfortable after about twenty minutes OR give in to their forbidden desires, but they just kept chugging their beers and prattling on about how one their buddies was an asshole who was obsessed with “chasing tail.” I was the one who went downstairs and turned the jacuzzi on to heat it up in the first place. They knew THEY didn’t do it, so clearly someone else wanted a soak. They totally jacked my jacuzzi. Here’s how I made the dip

4 ounces cooked shrimp, drained. I got baby shrimp, but the bigger ones would probably have made it better

2/3 cup of sour cream

1/3 cup of mayonnaise

3 tablespoons of chili sauce

2 teaspoons of lemon juice

A teaspoon or minced onion would have helped it along, but I forgot to add it.

The green chili sauce is a favorite of MG’s. He picked it up for me at the Farmer’s Market, and I’m loving it.

Day of the Dead jalapeno sauce rates about a 5 on the hot scale, so it’s great to add to pretty much anything, and MG and I have. He soaked his morning scrambled eggs in it. Day of the Dead has six different kinds of hot sauces – jalapeno, cayenne, chipotle, habanero, scotch bonnet, and serrano hot – I anticipate buying the Day of the Dead Six Pack very soon. But knowing me and things that come in colorful sets, I won’t want to open them because they look so nice together. To this day, if I have one set of crayons, I have to have a matching set that I don’t ever use, just so I can look at the perfectly even tips.

I missed on cracker selection. I got Orobello’s sourdough crackers but they were way too thick and heavy and swallowed up the taste of the dip, so back to the store for Carr’s table water crackers which were perfect in their lightness. The sourdough crackers need to be piled higher with complimentary flavors – prosciutto and cheese with some sun-dried tomato and a little pesto. Or maybe I’ll just chuck them down from my balcony at future jacuzzi-jackers. We’ll see.