The Bachelorette: July 25, 2011 – The Top Tweets

#bachelorette  those feet…I KNEW I’d seen them before

#bachelorette – Ryan… you started talking about water heaters… you’re done. Thanks for playing

#bachelorette in a moment we’ll all get to see Ryan’s heart actually fall out of his chest and onto the floor so Ash can step on it!

#bachelorette Ryan totally is gonna want all those frequent flyer miles back


Click through for the rest of the Top Tweets from tonight’s Fiji Love Adventure!

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The Bachelorette Recap: July 11, 2011

8:00 pm – After a one week hiatus on her part and a tragic head cold on mine, Ashley and I are back on track together to find her true love.  Ashley and the six remaining bachelors are in Taiwan this week. Status update from Girl Dentist is as follows:

Ryan is “one of the guys I feel safe with.” (not gonna win)

Lucas is “a real genuine, great guy.” (not gonna win)

Ames is “sooooo sweet and soooo intelligent.” (DEFINITELY not gonna win)

Ben is “funny and has so many things going for him.” (also not going to win, but Ashley’s slightly more open-minded about him in case he ends up being rich)

Constantine is “easy to talk to… easy to look at.” (Ash is saving him to be her “rebound dude”)

JP “makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel secure.” (Based on the phenomenal amount of neuroses, anxieties and drama Ashley has been lugging all over the globe, I think we have our front-runner).

8:03 pm – Chris Harrison reiterates that hometowns are next week – “a huge step in a relationship,” though not nearly as huge a step as narrowing down the men you might want to marry from six to four.  It occurs to me that if a woman was doing this kind of thing in real-life she’d be labeled a world-class ho bucket.  Thank god for television.

8:09 pm – Date one goes to Constantine, who stopped at the nearest Taiwanese Gap to grab a shirt before hopping on board a steam engine with Ashley headed for a tiny village outside of Taipei. Constantine admits to camera that he’s worried about the hometowns, bringing the number of times the word “hometown” has been said in the last nine minutes to approximately thirty-two.

8:12 pm – Back at the hotel, the second date card arrives and poor Solar Panel Guy Ryan is left out yet again. I think the producers of this show hate Ryan.  He has yet to have a one-on-one with Ashley and he’s only one week away from hometowns.  Has everyone forgotten that if Ryan gets to take Ashley home they’ll be surrounded the stunning and awe-inspiring scenery that is a solar panel farm?  I say get these two together fast!  Nothing’s more romantic than watching a man and woman fall for each other under the glow of a packaged, interconnected assembly of solar cells.

8:16 pm – Constantine and Ashley agree that “you can’t hurry love.”  Then they agree that “love is a powerful emotion.”  These two really ought to be at a Phil Collins concert instead of an island in East Asia.

8:22 pm – Ben the Winemaker, Constantine’s evil twin, shows up for Date Number Two. Ashley surprises Ben with a moped. As they motor down the winding streets of love, Ashley kids Ben, “Keep your eyes on the road, buddy!” Ben says to Ashley, “It’s hard with the precious cargo I have behind me.”  I say to my cat, “You inflate my tires like no other!” because I don’t want to be left out.

8:25 pm – Ryan gets the Final One-On-One Date!  He gets so excited he starts doing “The Funky Chicken” around the room and accidentally hits his funny bone on the mini-bar.

8:26 pm – I text my sister, “Ryan’s gonna blow it big time!”

8:27 pm – My sister texts back, “Oh for sure!”


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The Bachelorette Recap: June 20, 2011

Please understand that last week, when I mentioned that Ivy League Boy Ames sent a red flag straight up to the top of my gaydar mast, I had no idea that this week he’d be sporting pretty pink Hello Kitty boxing shorts and matching gloves during the Group Date’s Muay Thai fighting challenge.

But here we all our, once again, trying to ignore what seems to be disco dancing right into our faces.

Oh Ames… what are we to make of your performance thus far on The Bachelorette?  After three weeks of doing little more than blending in with the curtains, you finally made a move last week and proved to have about as much edge as an Elmo puppet.  Then, this week, you get your hot pink bell rung by Ryan, this season’s Mr. Desperate to Please, were then rushed to the ER and diagnosed with a concussion… all to win the heart of The Fair Girl Dentist… who still didn’t give you the Group Date Rose.  What must Mumsy and Daddy be thinking right now… not to mention the Boys in the Harvard Owl Club?
To be fair, I certainly wouldn’t have done nearly as well as Ames did in the fighting challenge.  I remember an episode of Happy Days where Ralph Malph tried to impress a girl by agreeing to a boxing match with a guy three times his size, then ended up being chased around the ring, shrieking and pleading for mercy the entire time.  That’s more or less what the nation would have seen if I was in the place of Ames last night… and the exact reason I’ve refused to appear as one of the hungry sex studs on The Bachelorette, despite the ongoing pleas from ABC.

And who did get the Group Date Rose?  Geez I had to look it up on line to remember that it was The Boy Dentist, whose name I actually still don’t know.

The official Bachelorette website says his name is Blake, but something tells me none of us should bother trying to retain that information.  Five episodes in and all we know about him is that he thinks love “is a marathon, not a sprint.”  In reality-romance competition shows, that translates into “fall in love with me and I’ll provide you with a seemingly never-ending onslaught of anguish, frustration, chafing and explosive foot blisters… and at the end of it all, someone will hand you a banana.


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The Bachelorette Recap: June 13, 2011


Today I got an e-mail from a Bachelorette insider (whose true identity I can neither confirm or deny, though they did sound very much “in the know”) to tell me that he’s been getting a kick out of my recaps so far this season.  He also made an argument that Bentley is actually a fairly decent dude – “funny, chill, definitely competitive, but not the asshole the show’s making him out to be.  They’re murdering the guy in editing!”

It may be true that Bentley, in fact, isn’t any more or less of a fame-seeking jerk than the all the rest of the Bachelors this season.  I think it’s par for the course.  Editing can work miracles.  That’s how we end up with “Ryan the Noble Prince” one week and “Ryan the ADHD Spaz Clearly Off His Meds” the next.

But one thing is certain — based on last night’s episode, asshole or not, when Bentley isn’t around, this season of The Bachelorette becomes something of a wobbly, weary drag.  Not even the natural beauties of Thailand can compensate for the man’s mesmerizing hair and hypnotic, soothing vocal patterns. Is it any wonder the show is already teasing his imminent return (though apparently we’re going to have to wait beyond next week to get a full helping of him)?


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The Bachelorette Recap: June 6, 2011

I consider myself grateful anytime I get to spend some one-on-one time with my sister Jodi, not just because she’s an expert at buying and installing curtains, not just because she’s a fantastic baking partner when I need to make chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes, and not just because she’s more than ready, at a moment’s notice, to shove the living room furniture aside and prance around like a limber zombie for an hour of “The Michael Jackson Experience” on my Xbox 360.

You see, Jodi also happens to be the absolute best Bachelorette viewing partner a gay brother could ever ask for.  So, I was grateful that she was visiting this past Monday to unwind on the couch with me and take in what had to be two of the most dramatic and/or hysterical and/or degrading hours of television since Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone’s empty vault live on national television.

I’ll always remember who I was with when Baby Jessica got rescued from that well she tumbled down in her backyard, and who I was with when President Obama announced that Oasma bin Laden had finally met his virgins.  And I’ll always remember that it was my sister Jodi sitting at my side when Jeff finally pulled off that idiotic mask, Ashley had her heart pummeled to dust by Bentley, Cellular Phone Salesman William sacrificed his chance at true love for a momentary shot at being a stand-up comic, and flash mobs finally proved themselves to be the dumbest thing a group of strangers can do together in a public place short of Hands Across America.

Well, there he is.  Jeff without the mask!  We can all die now.

Was it really worth the three episodes of The Bachelorette we all had to wait to see him? Jodi felt not.  “He looks like a dark-haired male version of Ellen Degeneres!” was her instant, disappointed response.  I didn’t see the resemblance at first until she dashed up to my 52-inch screen and used her hands to cover up his face below the nose and above the forehead.  And I have to admit, after that, it was quite easy for me to get on board with her assessment.  And at least she delivered her observation with some excitement, which is more than we got from Ashley, who could only muster up a limp, “He’s a lot older than I thought he was.”

From that instant on, it was clear Jeff realized that he had clearly mis-calculated by going with this whole mystery man angle.  What was the original intention again?  Oh yeah!  He wanted Ashley to get to know the “Jeff inside.”  But all we (and presumably Ashley) learned about this guy since he popped his guarded face out of the limo that first night can be summed up on less than one hand: he’s divorced, he had a brain hemorrhage, and he adopted a dog with three legs.

That’s it.

And once the mask hit the cobblestones, the only thing Jeff seemed to be able to add to that list was a bizarrely vacant stare, an underwhelming, monotone vocal pattern, and an abundance of fodder for the rest of the bachelors who came across no more threatened by Jeff’s looks than Ashley did bowled over by them.

Jodi and I spent a few moments arguing whether this whole mask business was actually Jeff’s idea or a gimmick conjured up by the producers.  Ultimately, we decided that it didn’t matter where the mask came from – it was a misfire for all parties concerned.  Even with the addition of the sinister and mysterious organ music that flowed through my speakers whenever he came onto the scene, Jeff clearly did not possess any of the intensity or allure to pull this off.  It was tired after Segment One of Hour One of Episode One.

“Plus, that stupid mask looked like it was carved out of the side of a radial tire,” Jodi added.

Again, I can’t argue.


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The Bachelorette Recap: May 30, 2011

A great thanks is extended from me to the producers of The Bachelorette this week. Yes, it’s true, they did fall back – in only week two – on choosing Las Vegas as the backdrop for Ashley’s dates (everyone knows that dramatic water shows are the key to a lifetime of happiness), but oh the restraint they demonstrated in not once letting any of those interchangeable plate-head Ken dolls throw their arms straight into the air and shout out, “Whoo… Vegas baybayyyy!

Not once I tell ya!  I kept waiting for it.  I mean, surely at the very least, that pukey little weasel Bentley was gonna pull out the infamous signature move and rite of passage for d-bags everywhere.  But if it did in fact happen, the producers saw fit to edit it out of the show. And for that, I am grateful.

Which isn’t to say The Bachelorette left behind all of its tried and true dramatic tricks.  Last night’s episode was certainly guilty of an excessive use of the “Bring Out Your Dead” Card. We had a dead father, a dead wife and a dead mother in just two hours of TV time.  I haven’t seen so many hot guys in knit sweaters mourning loved ones since Six Feet Under. Most television shows use the loss of family members as a dramatic device to further character and enhance dramatic tension.  On The Bachelorette, it’s used as a prelude to a booty call.


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The Bachelorette: Bentley Wants Ashley to Tickle His… You Know.

I thought he was a weasely d-bag last week, but after this clip from tonight’s Bachelorette, Bentley Williams is closing in on Detsintation: Jon Gosselin via the Rick Rockwell Express.

What exactly is his m.o. anyway? To get the entire global female population to come after him with sickles and pitchforks?

Little daughter Cozy I’m sure will grow up to be oh so impressed.

Clip below.  I already can’t wait for the Reunion Show.

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The Bachelorette Recap: May 23, 2011

Ashley Hebert, the girl with the sticky-sweet Junior Varsity chipmunk cheerleader voice served sunny-side-up on a rose-colored plate handcrafted by bluebirds and a rag-tag team of animated mice… is back.

Let’s all get ready for her. Weeks and weeks of her. The little tip of that concerned head and the perky pout on her lips when she asks, “How are yoooouuuuuu?” like she’s just walked into your grandmother’s wake with a HoneyBaked ham.

The wide-eyed excited face she gives when she’s being delivered the most mundane bit of information, such as a random Bachelor’s preference for yellow mustard over Dijon.

The over-emphasized way she throws back her head and laughs brashly upon hearing the conclusion of a knock-knock joke, looking like someone who’s got a ten dollar bet going she can catch the Cheez-It she just tossed into the air with no hands.

That Ashley. The one who skipped and cartwheeled her way to the Final Three on last season’s The Bachelor, only to have The Big Bad Bromack toss her to the curb when he finally grew weary of her inability to open her heart to him. She’s finally gotten serious and realized there’s only one place to find true, life-lasting love… Mondays at eight on ABC.


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The Bachelor 15-11: Brad Womack, My Boyfriend, My Sister and My Niece (Blogging The Finale Live)

It’s a big deal tonight at Chez TV Food and Drink.  Not only is it The Bachelor season finale, but here to watch the show with me are my sister Jodi, my niece Morgan (who have both been watching the show all season) and my own southern-bred MG, who is watching The Bachelor for the very first time tonight and has no idea who either Emily or Chantal are.

8:02 – Two minutes into the recap. MG snickers at nothing in particular.  Jodi admonishes him, “MG, you can’t laugh!  This is their life we’re talking about.”

8:11 – We meet Brad’s family.  Jodi expresses relief that the pudgy brother and the twin brother are not one in the same.  We discover that Brad’s twin brother is named Chad.  MG groans.

8:15 – Jodi and I agree that Chad is cuter than Brad.

8:22 – MG gets one look at Chantal as she’s about to meet Brad’s family and immediately asks, “What’s the other one’s name?”  I answer “Emily,” and he points to the screen and replies, “I can’t see this one ever living in Austin.”  MG picks up fast.

8:24 – We all agree that it must suck in this family to be the pudgy brother.

8:25 – Chad laughs at Chantal’s cutesy humility and Jodi wonders if Chad is wondering whether or not he could fool Chantal into having sex with him by mistake.

8:26 – We all re-affirm that Chad is way cuter than Brad.

8:29 – We get a text from Jodi’s other daughter Taylor down in San Diego:  “The Bachelor would be a hell of a lot better if my tv worked!”

8:30 – Jodi insists that Brad’s family is going to like Chantal more than Emily because “Emily’s not all that warm.”  But Michael reminds her that Emily is from the south and comes with “instant grand baby.”
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