The Bachelor 15: Emily or Chantal? Former Cast Members Weigh In

Guest posting tonight is CupidsPulse, who have been following The Journey of The Big Bad Bromack all season long and went straight to former stars of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor Pad to see which of the two remaining women get the nod: Homespun Emily or The Slightly Unhinged Chantal.  Warning all Bachelor fans… you may be surprised by the verdict!

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The Bachelor 15-10: The Women Tell All

Was it just me or did anyone else feel like last night’s Bachelor: The Women Tell All was a tight hour of reality entertainment painfully stretched out over a hundred and twenty minutes?  I guess I don’t completely mind watching Melissa the exiled cougar waitress and Raichel the exiled dull-as-paint manscaper hash out their differences on my television, but neither one of them is still in the running for Brad’s heart, right?  They haven’t been for weeks. So why the hell am I still supposed to still care?

Neither the waitress nor the manscaper was smart enough, evil enough, charming enough, or cunning enough to end up as anything more than reality show exhaust fumes, the stuff shows like this spit out season after season. Sure they clean up nice, but I meet more compelling personalities at the DMV.  That’s why after last night’s show, we’ll most likely never see either of them again.

Aside from the multiple meaningless “bury the hatchet” moments, and the constant repetition of such phrases as “I’m sorry, but…” “I don’t want to be rude, but…” “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but…” and “I’m really not like this!” there wasn’t much meat on The Women Tell All. If you tuned in to see Merciless Michelle receive her comeuppance and fall apart in tears as her fellow bachelorettes attcked her from all sides like a pack of tigers circling a helpless zebra, you had to wait nearly fifty minutes, but when it finally happened, it was the most entertaining part of the night.

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The Bachelor 15-9: Brad Womack Hunts His Prey in South Africa

Guest posting tonight’s episode of The Bachelor for Tv Food and Drink is “The Ashley” from The Ashley’s Reality Roundup.

It’s Bachelor time once again! This is serious now… no fucking around!  We’re down to the final three girls, which is infamous for being the date that the girls must “put out” to “stay in” the game and continue to compete for Brad‘s heart. With the infamous “Fantasy Suite” night looming, the tension is running high in South Africa.

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The Bachelor 15-8: Home is Where the Funeral Is

Well, these hometown dates tend to take a little of the ZAP out of The Bachelor, don’t they?

Where were the catty looks exchanged between game-playing chicks in bikinis?  

Where were the hysterical women on the verge of throwing up on themselves in the communal jacuzzi?  

No clever undercutting and back-stabbing this week.  Instead, we have four very upstanding young ladies on their best behavior in front of their families.

Let’s be honest: there were only two reasons we were interested in tonight’s episode of The Bachelor:  we wanted to see how Bachelor Brad would react to the tour of Shawntel’s funeral parlor, and we wanted to see how Homespun Emily’s daughter, Homespun Junior, would take to the Big Bad Bromack.

But clearly the producers knew this as well, and so we had to sit through a jaw-droppingly dull first hour to get to what we wanted to see, and ultimately, the payoff wasn’t all that satisfying.  It’s amazing how quickly the appeal of this show declines as the season progresses.  Shouldn’t we feel like we’re building to a dramatic climax here? Separating these chicks from one another is a bad idea. But since it’s only a one-week experiment each season, I’ll look the other way.

And I’m also going to excuse the appallingly bad grammar in tonight’s episode, even though it was wall-to-wall hum-dingers. Huck Finn would drop his head in shame.

Brad: “How can I propose to a woman that I haven’t even met her daughter?”

Chantal O.: “I knew that going into today’s date that if I didn’t have my dad’s approval, there would be no Brad and I.”

Shawntel N. “This is really gonna almost be the final test for Brad and I’s relationship.”

I’ll leave it with those three, but there were plenty more. Wherever you are, sixth grade English teacher, Miss Boucher… I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a tough-ass on grammar.

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The Bachelor 15-7: Brad Womack Causes Goat Suicides in Anguilla

8:03pm – Anguilla is the love destination on this week’s The Bachelor, and for Britt the Food Writer, it’s a week of do-or-die.  Things are not looking promising for the woman who, up to this point in the season, has had fewer opportunities to speak than Tina Yothers on a later-years episode of Family Ties.

As the women climb off the boat and take their first steps onto the sandy shores of exotic Anguilla (“It’s just right out of Baywatch or something!” coos Dentist Ashley, as the rest of the women throw their arms into the air and scream “Wooo!”), we are met by host Chris Harrison with the breakdown for this week’s episode: three one-on-one dates (no roses) and a group date (one rose), which means only one girl will be safe by the time this week’s Rose Ceremony rolls around.  Britt’s excited.  She really feels this is her week. Sadly, however, Date Number One goes to Homespun Emily. This being something like Emily’s fifteenth private date with The Bromack, she shrugs it off the way the high school cheerleader who blossomed early rolls her eyes whenever the chemistry teacher asks if she needs personal assistance heating her beaker.

8:05 – A helicpter doth approach. “You do too much on our dates!” Emily sweetly scolds Brad, as if these dates are coming straight out The Bromack’s own pocket. The destination is a private island, which really looks more like a G-string shaped sandbar you could only stand on during low tide.  But hey, who am I to criticize?  The closest I’ve ever gotten to something this tropical is when I met the guy who played Gilligan.

Once again, we are met with riveting conversation between Homespun and The Bromack:

“I like it out here”
“Me too”
(LONG PAUSE) “What are you thinking?”
“Uhhhh. It’s a really cool view.”
“Yeah. It’s really pretty.”

These two are considering marriage?  I remember having more honest conversations with the janitor from my high school, and he’d had his tongue cut out by the Nazis!

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The Bachelor 15-6: Brad Womack is Equally Dull Outside the United States

“My feelings are becoming really, really strong…” proclaims Brad at the top of tonight’s Bachelor, “…for each of these eight women.”

Welcome to February sweeps, Tv Food and Drinkers! And how can you tell we’ve reached February sweeps? Because tonight on The Bachelor we’re off to luscious, beautiful Costa Rica! Witness the hot springs! Waterfalls! Volcanoes! Giant exotic spiders! No more dates at grimy racetracks, gravelly downtown rooftops and dank L.A. recording studios. ABC has finally opened up the purse strings. Let’s all soak up that Latin America sunshine and be thankful we’ve all left January behind!

Executive Assistant Chantal O. receives the first date of the night. Needless to say, the sad, old broken record that is Merciless Michelle is not happy about it. How many times is this chick gonna blurt out “none of these girls are right for Brad” without providing some actual reasons? Doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen anytime soon.  Merciless seems happier to just snort openly in the corner like a diarrhetic baboon.

We’ve seen this character over and over in reality tv.  Pushy, outspoken, vain, seductive in that oh-so-obvious-television way that you wouldn’t be surprised to see Joan Collins burst out of the Costa Rican jungle and toss old Merciless into the nearest koi pond for a good old fashioned slap fight.  Well, at least Joan Collins had some charisma and a few other tricks up her sleeve.  Merciless thinks assertive and arrogant is gonna take her all the way to the altar, with the occasional outburst of tears whenever her processed ultra-confidence starts rubbing The Bromack the wrong way.

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The Bachelor 15-5: Brad Womack and the Two We Know Are Gonna Be in the Finals

You know you’re watching a pretty good episode of The Bachelor when flying Elvis impersonators are the least impressive moment of the night.

After seeing a glimpse of the Cirque Du Soleil show that is “Viva Elvis” at the Aria Hotel during this week’s Vegas episode, I was struck less by the spectacle of the show and more by the fact that the graceful movements we’ve come to expect from Cirque du Soliei and the hip-swaggering songs from the King of Rock and Roll just do not go together.  It’s like pairing Martin Lawrence and Anthony Hopkins in a 3-D western.  It may sound like an incredible idea, but in the end you realize it was all done in the hopes that after shelling out for the tickets, you’ll be just satisfied enough to drop a little more for the soundtrack.  Are the Cirque people just running out of marketable ideas?  I barely understood pairing with The Beatles, but this Elvis thing just sounds greedy.

As for the remaining bachelorettes, I don’t know about you but I still cannot tell the difference between Lisa, Marissa, Alli and Chantal. They all have dark straight hair, they all cry when they’re drunk and they never get any camera time.  Not that being able to determine who’s who within this Ebony Brat Pack really matters for much longer. I think we all see what’s coming: a showdown between Homespun Emily and Michelle the Merciless.

Sweet, charming, hesitant Emily really knows how to play it coy.  Always in the back of the pack, never aggressive, avoiding eye contact at all costs until The Bromack is ready to walk around on his hands while balancing a soccer ball on his nose waiting for her to notice and throw him a fish.

And then there is Michelle, who gets to make drag queen faces and grab Brad by the chin to force him to return her attentions.  She’s generally accompanied by evil reverberating drum hits, a lone slinky bass guitar and the occasional “rattlesnake” sting that’s usually reserved for the subtle storytelling on Days of Our Lives.

Don’t we really have our two finalists here already?

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The Bachelor 15-4: Brad Womack and the Dull Days of January

The schmaltz was flowing more plentiful than the Merlot on tonight’s episode of The Bachelor. With all the promises of black eyes, catty confrontations, and hopeless romantics dangling off the sides of skyscrapers, I was expecting a little more bang for my buck. But I forgot that The Bachelor likes to save its “hard core banging” moments for February sweeps, and so we will all have to plod along through one more ho-hum episode before the bikini strings and acrylic fingernails really begin to fly. Don’t cry. Here, lean on my shoulder. I won’t abandon you. Together, we’ll get through this.

Fourteen women are left standing at the top of tonight’s episode, including front-runners Homespun Emily, the Ashley Twins, and Merciless Michelle, who woke up at the start of the episode graced with one mysterious black eye.
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The Bachelor 15-3: Brad Womack to star in Love Hurts

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor teases a story… so… devastating… it will break everyone’s heart, and will cause someone to… gasp!… walk out!

Having watched two full episodes of The Bachelor out of fifteen seasons, as well as a third of one “bonus video” at, I now consider myself an expert on this show.  As such, I will confidently make two predictions right here… right now, with the show still more than an hour away from west coast broadcast.

1.) The devastating story that will break everyone’s heart is Homespun Emily’s – losing her boyfriend in a plane crash and then discovering she was pregnant with his baby. The story the home audience has all known about since the premiere episode. This means that by “everyone,” the show really means that only Brad and the sixteen bachelorettes who are left in the running and aren’t Emily are the ones headed to heartbreak. And since fifteen of these bachelorettes are definitely going to have their hearts broken before the season ends by Brad anyway, this suddenly doesn’t seem all that compelling of a reason to tune in.

2.) On the subject of a spontaneous early exit, it’s possible that the producers are going to launch a new story line tonight featuring one of “The Others” which is my way of referring to the 12 or 13 girls we have yet to learn anything about, while pulling a reference to those nutty jungle-dwelling bloodthirsty murderers from LOST.

If so, it could be one of these nameless “others” making the teary-eyed (you know it’s gonna be teary-eyed) “exit stage-left.”  But I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict that it will be Homespun Emily, overcome with guilt, loss and missing her daughter who makes a break for it.  Brad will dutifully follow, corner her, console, and convince her to return to hair and make-up – I mean, his arms –  and take her rightful place alongside fellow leading ladies Fang Face Madison, Dentist Ashley H., Merciless Michelle – and all the other girls, who are without a doubt “the supporting cast” this season (Come on… how much can you tell me about Kimberly the Marketing Director or Alli the Apparel Merchant??)

But before we go any further… and stick with me on this, picture it… fall television season 2011… ABC Wednesday nights… “You watched him on LOST.  You couldn’t get enough of him… Now, the leader of The Others is looking for a love of his own on… “The Bachelor: One of Us”… featuring swinging single Benjamin Linus carousing on an island inhabited by twenty-five recruited and/or taken by force single women.”

Miss Clough: “There is A LOT of competition here tonight, and I definitely want Ben to give me a coconut.  I can’t just lie back and rely on my kidnapping and manipulation skills to impress.  So I’m gonna slit Walt’s neck.”

Cindy (ex-Oceanic Airways flight attendant): “I’ve made sooo many bad choices in the past looking for love.  But when I see Ben… those buggy eyes, those sloping shoulders, the little hands… HELLO! The seatbelt sign IS OFF!

Ben: “This is amazing!  It’s a dream come true.  Twenty-five hot girls on an island… and I don’t even have to worry if they get pregnant!”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’d watch.  LOST fans, what do you think?  NON-LOST fans, thank you for staying with me.  On with the recap!

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The Bachelor 15-2: Brad Womack and the Carnival Clowns

Turns out midnight carnivals at the ends of dirt roads that are mysteriously operating without employees come off less romantic… and more creepy and malevolent… than one might have originally guessed.

At any moment, I was expecting the carny romance blooming between Brad and Ashley H. on tonight’s Bachelor to be interrupted by a machette-wielding clown who, with the help of a midget in top hat and tails, chases our young lovers into the mirror maze where they’re both faced with visions of their impending multiple divorces and child support hearings.

But it didn’t happen.

The lead-off date for episode two of The Bachelor 15 involved some tedious exchanges near the Tilt-A-Whirl as The Bromack and The Girl Dentist compared deadbeat dads. This was followed by a couple of softball tosses at fluffy clown heads, and the obligatory make-out session on the ferris wheel after Ashley snagged the first rose of the night.

It didn’t make my heart skip a beat. Besides, what’s the challenge of throwing softballs at fluffy clowns when there’s no one else around? You can just reach over and grab the giant stuffed Pikachu and save yourself seventy-five cents.

I’m going to go out of sequence here tonight, because there was very little between the “Cougar and Dark’s Pandemonium Side Show” date that led off the show and the predictable Rose Ceremony at the end that wowed me very much.

And I was completely prepared for greatness. I even bought a brand new sofa from Crate and Barrel just for the occasion. I cranked up the fireplace, lit some jasmine scented candles, climbed into my Snuggie and readied myself to be swept away like I do whenever I’m taking a Calgon bath.

But it didn’t happen.

Oh, Bromack… your new contrite angle is wearisome already. Thank God your pecs are holding up (see below).

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The Bachelor 15-1: (Insert Name of Schmuck) is Ready for the Real Thing!

Brad Womack, the most hated man in Bachelor history (until Jake Pavelka flew into town, that is), returns tonight for another season of tight trousers, excessive cleavage and a wealth of crocodile tears the likes of which television has lacked since Skating with the Stars made the Lutz jump into a bottomless pit and took ABC’s Monday night ratings with it.

Womack’s ultimate refusal to pop the question to either DeAnna Pappas or Jenni Croft turned The Bachelor’s eleventh season into a bigger waste of time than the Pasadena Doo Dah Parade. No one got what they wanted: the hopeless romantics, the closet-case reality show watchers… actually, the gay male population may have exchanged a few high-fives watching the hunky tattooed Brad turn his back on 25 scheming, desperate women, but the gay male population is not exactly The Bachelor’s bread and butter.

So, someone thought it would be a good idea to give Brad the Cad another shot at TV love and along with it, TV redemption. That means that we’re in for a season of cyclical shaming and salvation scenarios as we watch Brad struggle to give the editors of The Bachelor enough pensive gazes and knuckle-to-tear-duct moments to weave him into a whimpering contrite Adonis and win back the hearts of ladies everywhere.

And unless The Bachelor wishes to alienate its core audience permanently, it’s safe to assume that this time Brad will indeed drop to one knee and sling a ring onto the finger of that one woman who can bring down the barriers surrounding his tender heart and show him the meaning of true love, respect and romantic equality. The only question left is… which woman it will be. The hot nanny? The Rockette? The professional manscaper?

On with the show!

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Bachelor Pad 1-06: Where is the Love?

Re-capping tonight’s painfully stretched two-hour season finale of Bachelor Pad is like trying to put an exciting spin on a story about going to church on Sunday.  There’s no way to present it with a fresh take.  If you’ve even been to church in your life, you’ll find if you go this coming weekend the creaky format has not changed much from what you might remember.  And if the last reality show you watched was the finale of the very first season of Survivor way back in 2000, you could have turned on Bachelor Pad tonight and been puzzled by only two things:  why no one had a bandana on their head and where all the tiki torches were.

We like our comfortable formats, don’t we?  Be it Sunday mass where we repent weekly for our discretions, or watching a tv season full of beautiful back-stabbers lie, plot and connive against one another, only to have a final, singular “through victory comes virtue” moment that is supposed to buy back all the sins these nasty little people have committed (or have been edited into looking like they committed) in all the weeks that came before.

We may proclaim to want change, but really we are hard to be torn from our steadfast, singular ways.

Bachelor Pad proves that the reality show is the Warren Beatty of television formats.  It will age slowly, change in appearance rarely, remain sturdy in the public eye, and go through as many hot women as it possibly can before it finally gives in and settles down.

If you care to read on, there will spoilers ahead.

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Bachelor Pad 1-05: We Needed a Hero

The question going into tonight’s pen-ultimate episode of Bachelor Pad was whether or not the show had any interest in doing something beyond playing along with the lazy old rules of late summer reality programming by creating a scenario where the women labeled “outsiders” – simply because they hadn’t bothered to repeatedly insert their tongues into the mouth of a male – had any chance of actually avoiding banishment, positioning themselves to vanquish the “cool kids” and winning the game.


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Bachelor Pad 1-04: Cringe-Worthy?

If you only tuned in to tonight’s episode of Bachelor Pad because of the over-hyped live Dancing with the Stars “press conference” to announce the new season’s cast (did anyone see any members of the press?  I didn’t.), you may have found the roster reveal a little disappointing.  I however, did not.  After being made to suffer through nearly ninety minutes of Bachelor Pad’s tired old plotting, catty remarks, hysterical ranting and romantic dialgoue so clumsy Joanie and Chachi would opnely snicker at it, I was, for the first time in my life, happlily relieved to actually see Bristol Palin’s face on my television set.

Yes, Bristol assumes the Dancing “I have no idea I’m being laughed at” slot most recently vacated by Kate Gosselin.  The only way selecting her would have been anything other than completely tasteless and desperate would have been if Levi Johnston had been announced as one of her competitors.  Not only would people across the country have turned each week’s episode into an absolute event (“Teen Mom vs. Moose Cock.. there can be only one!”), but little baby Tripp would have been spared the chore of having to repeatedly explain the complex mechanics behind his See ‘n Say “Counting with Mickey” pullstring toy to mommy and daddy for a few weeks in the fall.

But… there will be no War of the Wasilla Roses.  What a missed opportunity.

But getting back to Bachelor Pad… last week, Cowboy Wes was singled out as the next one “heading for the chopping block,” a phrase the jacuzzi-going guys and gals on the show seem very fond of using, outshined only by, “There’s a target on my back!” and “No, no.  I got that from swimming in a public pool!”

ABC Bachelor PadPoor Cowboy Wes.  He threw in last week with Gia, who ended up getting the ax.  The “couples” in the house continue to survive while the outsider “singles” are… well… going under.

Tonight’s challenge was only original in that it was a new low in humiliating the female competitors on the show.  The residents of the Crab Shack were required to fill out surveys mandating they give “truthful” answers to nasty little fifth-grade questions about their housemates.  They were then brought together and asked to reveal not who they themselves had picked as the answer, but to correctly predict who they thought collectively got the most votes for each question, in order to secure this week’s immunity roses.

With a challenge like this, there really wasn’t any way the cast could keep themselves from looking completely like assholes.  But by far, the most humiliating moment had to be when they were all asked to reveal who they thought would be selected as the dumbest, and the overwhelming answer given was Grandma Gwen.

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Bachelor Pad 1-03: The Resurrection of Sally Kirkland

Three weeks into life at the ABC Crab Shack and the Beautiful People are proving themselves less and less attractive with each opportunity they have to open their mouths.

Unfortunately, as a result of this week’s kissing challenge, open mouths were about all we saw for the first half of the episode.

Though I admit that I was not as bored with this episode as I was with last week’s pie-eating fiasco, this week’s kissing challenge, where each girl and guy left competing on the show was blindfolded and made to make out with all of the members of the opposite sex and then vote for “the best kisser” proved to have a real “ick” factor I didn’t see coming.

Was it the over over-eagerness of Tippy Toes Tenley and David “Missing Baldwin Brother” David to flap their tongues out in the air like pez dispensers on death row?

Was it Natalie, who proudly stated, ” I would make out with everyone in the house for… like… twenty bucks”?

No, it was probably the teary-eyed Gia, who reminded us all, between her endless whimpering about having a boyfriend at home, that she’s not really all that keen on a mass-male face-sucking bonanza.

And frankly, the fact that Gia was experiencing a repulsion – fabricated or not –  at the idea of having to make out with every single guy in the house, one after another, on camera, is actually pretty buyable, and it created an aura of realistic perversion from which self-proclaimed light-hearted summer programming like Bachelor Pad should avoid at all costs.

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Bachelor Pad 1-02: Pie Holes and Rhyme Fails

Only two episodes into ABC’s Bachelor Pad, and already, the tired old “sexy people in a house” story-telling formula is proving itself about as thin and obvious as the hairlines of the bachelors during the episode’s pie-eating challenge.

Not that summer programming hasn’t become routinely scintillating while relying on the same reality format everyone else is getting away with (set up alliances, show some skin, set up “secret” alliances, show people getting it on, present a Voting-Off ceremony no one could see coming because the pertinent information was not shown to us, dramatically announce that “the game has changed,” show someone crying, tease scenes from next week)… but come on!  When the highlights from this achingly stretched episode are watching “Tippy-Toes” Tenley upchuck “challenge pie” into a bucket, and Weatherman Jonathan parading around in a speedo the likes of which I have not seen since the 1970s Battle of the Network Stars, something has really gone off the rails.

Not even the beautiful bodies, hot tub flirting, or a round of shower nookie could keep me interested.  I’m sexier folding towels in the laundry room wearing my flip-flips and my 1997 DisneyWorld t-shirt.

In short, this week’s Bachelor Pad suffered from a severe “failure to titillate.”

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Break Out the Doxycycline! You’re in the Bachelor Pad

Image Credit: Craig Sjodin

I have not watched more than a single episode of any of the past seasons of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, so I come to ABC’s new Big Brother-Bachelor hybrid, Bachelor Pad completely free from any bias against anyone in this group of sweaty, horny little squirrel monkeys.
Bachelor Pad Chris
I do feel badly for poor host Chris Harrison though. He may or may not have something more than a “Hollywood plain-face,” but we’ll never know it from this show. Compared to the never-ending parade of tens (and occasional nines admitted in for pure comic relief), Chris comes off looking slightly less appealing than Nanny McPhee. But they’re paying him well, so the guy shows up. Props to the host.

“They’ll be living in the same house!” Chris warns matter-of-factly before adding, “and sleeping in the same room!” with the obvious suggestiveness of a superior mom at her son’s third birthday party. “We have cake… and finger-painting!”

Bachelor Pad Tenley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

First to arrive at the house is Tenley… over-exuberant, runs-on-her-tippy-toes Tenley who squeals whenever she sees a friend from her season of the show… or a good-looking guy… or host Chris Harrison… or a cameraman wearing a cool belt… or a fresh stick of Doublemint. Designed to be annoying and ready to break into tears at a moment’s notice, she’s sure to be around for quite some time.

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