Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor teases a story… so… devastating… it will break everyone’s heart, and will cause someone to… gasp!… walk out!
Having watched two full episodes of The Bachelor out of fifteen seasons, as well as a third of one “bonus video” at abc.com, I now consider myself an expert on this show. As such, I will confidently make two predictions right here… right now, with the show still more than an hour away from west coast broadcast.
1.) The devastating story that will break everyone’s heart is Homespun Emily’s – losing her boyfriend in a plane crash and then discovering she was pregnant with his baby. The story the home audience has all known about since the premiere episode. This means that by “everyone,” the show really means that only Brad and the sixteen bachelorettes who are left in the running and aren’t Emily are the ones headed to heartbreak. And since fifteen of these bachelorettes are definitely going to have their hearts broken before the season ends by Brad anyway, this suddenly doesn’t seem all that compelling of a reason to tune in.
2.) On the subject of a spontaneous early exit, it’s possible that the producers are going to launch a new story line tonight featuring one of “The Others” which is my way of referring to the 12 or 13 girls we have yet to learn anything about, while pulling a reference to those nutty jungle-dwelling bloodthirsty murderers from LOST.
If so, it could be one of these nameless “others” making the teary-eyed (you know it’s gonna be teary-eyed) “exit stage-left.” But I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict that it will be Homespun Emily, overcome with guilt, loss and missing her daughter who makes a break for it. Brad will dutifully follow, corner her, console, and convince her to return to hair and make-up – I mean, his arms – and take her rightful place alongside fellow leading ladies Fang Face Madison, Dentist Ashley H., Merciless Michelle – and all the other girls, who are without a doubt “the supporting cast” this season (Come on… how much can you tell me about Kimberly the Marketing Director or Alli the Apparel Merchant??)
But before we go any further… and stick with me on this, picture it… fall television season 2011… ABC Wednesday nights… “You watched him on LOST. You couldn’t get enough of him… Now, the leader of The Others is looking for a love of his own on… “The Bachelor: One of Us”… featuring swinging single Benjamin Linus carousing on an island inhabited by twenty-five recruited and/or taken by force single women.”
Miss Clough: “There is A LOT of competition here tonight, and I definitely want Ben to give me a coconut. I can’t just lie back and rely on my kidnapping and manipulation skills to impress. So I’m gonna slit Walt’s neck.”
Cindy (ex-Oceanic Airways flight attendant): “I’ve made sooo many bad choices in the past looking for love. But when I see Ben… those buggy eyes, those sloping shoulders, the little hands… HELLO! The seatbelt sign IS OFF!
Ben: “This is amazing! It’s a dream come true. Twenty-five hot girls on an island… and I don’t even have to worry if they get pregnant!”
Well, I don’t know about you, but I’d watch. LOST fans, what do you think? NON-LOST fans, thank you for staying with me. On with the recap!
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