NBC’s SMASH – Why is Ellis (Jaime Cepero) the Most Hated Character on Television?

In the span of less than twelve episodes, NBC’s Smash has made an accidental sensation out of a third-string character who pops up in less than four scenes a week, provides zero plot advancement, and is universally despised.

Forget which lucky actress will ultimately get to play Marilyn Monroe in Bombshell, the show-within-the-show. Forget whether Bombshell itself will ever even make it to Broadway.

Who cares?

Will cheating Debra Messing reconcile with her husband and succeed at bringing a lovely adopted baby into her righted household? Will Anjelica Huston get it on with the hot Irish bartender who may or may not be an outright criminal? Will the judgmental gay composer end up with the hot, gay Republican or the hot, gay, God-fearing chorus boy?

No one can be bothered.

The only thing fans, fair-weather friends, and even haters of Smash really want to know is when the character of Ellis, the creepy, bow-tie wearing, crap-weasel assistant who regularly eavesdrops behind doors, sneaks off with confidential materials, and makes idle threats he’s never able to follow through on, is going to disappear from the show entirely.

Pity and envy actor Jaime Cepero.  Everyone else on the show gets to play fun, over-the-top Broadway types that at their cores have a shred of relatability – overlooked chorus girl with pipes of gold, hot-headed British theatre director who’s doing it all for the craft, delicate ingénue looking to make it big while holding on to her integrity.

Meanwhile, everyone hates poor little Ellis, and not in that “love to hate” way either. They don’t secretly want to see what he’s going to do next.  They don’t want to live vicariously through him.  They don’t want to fantasize about indulging in his loathsome behavior.

They just want to see a piano drop on his head.

Everyone Hates Ellis on SMASH – read more about it

Listening to: “You’re My Thrill” – Dolores Gray

The slinky voice of Dolores Gray would be the perfect soundtrack to a midnight skinny dip or an evening trapped in a snowed-in cabin. It also soothes the beastly rage brought about by Los Angeles morning gridlock or your internet service provider being totally ineffective at diagnosing your connection issues, not that I would know.

Dolores Gray was an actress and singer who won a Tony award for her performance in the Broadway musical version of the 1936 French film Carnival in Flanders. The stage show, backed by Bing Crosby was generally hated and ran only six nights.  But Gray’s performance in the show still managed to win her the Tony Award in 1953 for Best Performance by an Actress in a Musical, which makes her the record-holder for shortest run of any actress to win the award. Take a listen below and find out why.

Click here to listen to “You’re My Thrill” by Dolores Gray

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 16, 2012

It’s Latin Week on Dancing with the Stars, and tonight’s episode showcased all of the following:

“Jaleel White’s chest”
“Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s chest”
“Derek Hough Shirtless”
“Mark Ballas jock strap”
“William Levy tuxedo”
“Gavin Degraw sexy hat”
“Donald Driver hot arms”

If you think I’m merely listing these things to increase my visibility in keyword searches and optimize my Search Engine Optimization to maximize the amount of traffic this entry will receive, you have a very suspicious mind.

(“Lindsay Lohan arrested” “Pippa Middleton topless photo” “Who got kicked off The Voice” “fun cookie recipes for kids” “Is Ryan Seacrest gay?”)

On with the recap!

Jaleel White and Kym Johnson – Samba - Jaleel and Kym have been in a downward trend since the first week of competition.  And when you’re sliding in your performance, everyone knows the only choice is to show some skin.  I know that when there were rumors of a staff cut at my last show, I ditched my regular khakis and sweater vest ensemble and started showing up for work in a purple sequined speedo, a paperboy cap and undersize glasses from my Mr. Potato Head kit.  Not only was I not let go, there’s going to be a thirty second video of me in the network’s new sexual harassment presentation.  Job security and fame.  I’m on my way to becoming a legend in this town!

Did anyone else know Jaleel had a body that ripped?  Check out those guns!  The costumes were tight, the lighting was seductive and the moves were hot.  That’s the way you make the world forget about Steve Urkel!

Len: “Your bum was going like you were chewing a toffee.”  (I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to use it tomorrow as much as I can at my sex-addicts support group).

Bruno: “That wiggle!  Have you got a Mini-Me inside operating it?”

Carrie Ann: “You came out with attack and fire.

SCORE   24/30 – a bounce back up from last week, and almost a guarantee to avoid elimination tomorrow night.

Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy – Salsa – This screen grab says everything I feel when I watch Melissa perform.  I don’t think she wants to be on this show.  In fact, I’m thinking she broke some law, and the judge gave her a choice: six weeks picking up trash off the 405, or Dancing with the Stars.

Melissa still seems like she isn’t quite able to keep up with the choreography, and there were a few moments where you could see her watching her feet as if she was baffled by what they were doing, like when your dog suddenly notices things on the television move.

Try as she may, it seems Melissa is forever having a tough time delivering on the musicality.  But Maks got a spray-tan and kept the shirt open, so I’m thinking we’ve still got at least one more week of the Hoofing Half Pint ahead of us.

The judges took time to talk about how good Melissa looked tonight.  On most shows, that’s a good sign.  On Dancing with the Stars, it’s the equivalent of being told your kid did an phenomenal job keeping that bar of soap tied to his head in the school’s production of Mister Hygiene Comes to Town.

Bruno: “This is a fast dance… you’ve got be ON IT!  Go with it… but control it.”
Carrie Ann: ” It just feels like your feet get out from under you.”
Len: “There were some excellent good parts, and there were some parts that were not quite so good.”

SCORE:    21/30 

Dancing with the Stars: April 16, 2012 – Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins’ Argentine Tango Scores a…. (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

It’s Latin Week tonight on Dancing with the Stars, and while you may think that gives Cuban heartthrob William Levy an advantage, it’s actually mezzo-soprano Katherine Jenkins quite literally getting the leg up with professional partner Mark Ballas. How did they do with their Argentine tango?

Watch Mark and Katherine’s Tango from Latin Week and see how they scored

Aunt Emily’s Lip Smacking Strawberry Sauce

This is a recipe for my Aunt Emily’s Lip-Smacking Strawberry Sauce.  Aunt Emily is not exactly the warm, inviting face of home and hearth you might imagine on a jar of desset topping, but she is definitely worth a few minutes of your time.  She met my Uncle Raybon on a blind date at a mini-golf and pirate-themed adventure park just before the bicentennial.  They were married six weeks later, the second time for both.  The first piece of furniture they split fifty-fifty was a tiki bar with light up palm trees and wooden, half-pineapple ashtrays.  It was the focal point of their sunken den, and the home base for all their football parties.  Raybon would mix the drinks and Emily would sit on one of the stools, sipping and barking out raunchy jokes with set-ups always involving someone who farted at the worst possible time.

While she was married, Emily worked as a cocktail waitress in a hotel bar.  Her bouffant Brenda Vaccaro hair was almost exactly as wide and exactly as red as the short, ruffled skirt that was her uniform.  In between the hair and the skirt was a crowd of hilly cleavage and a deep, weary tan. Emily liked to twirl in her waitress skirt before she left the house and say, “It’s the preferred look for today’s cocktail gal… Mexican square dancer with super titties.”  Then she would run her fingers in circles around her blouse where her nipples were underneath and stick her tongue out sideways like a rock star, while my mother shouted out her name with reproach and the rest of us fell on the floor.

Continue reading “Aunt Emily’s Lip Smacking Strawberry Sauce” »

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 9, 2012

Not even the thrills and danger of “Rock Week” on Dancing with the Stars is enough to overcome the head cold that is threatening to overtake me at the moment.  Do you know what happens to the insides of the human body when said body has had six giant cups of cayenne pepper tea with lemon in the span of one evening?  Let’s just say the cat slept in the other room.Sherri Shepherd and Val Chmerkovskiy – Tango - This week, Sherri made a critical error: she wiped out all exuberance and vivacity from her performance in exchange for a stoic, icy glare she held on to for the entire dance.  This is not what we expect from her. And as Sherri isn’t much when it comes to precision or fluidity, turning her back on sassiness, the biggest card in her deck, was a major mistake.  I think she was trying for steely, fierce and intense.  But it didn’t work.  It just reminded me of the nasty look I got from a woman that time I scooped up the last of the “Buy Three, Get One Free” Snuggle fabric softeners from the display at Rite-Aid. 

Len – “There was a little incident with your feet, but overall a great job!”
Bruno – “It needed to be a bit sharper… but I liked it.”
Carrie Ann – “Your face was expressionless, which I’ve never seen before.  There wasn’t any sparkle.  Bring that back.”  Hey, I just said that.

SCORE:  21/30 – Expect happy, slappy, booby-bouncing Sherri to return next week.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Paso Doble – First off, did we all catch sleeveless, sweaty, huffing Mark Ballas throwing around those punches in the muay thai boxing ring during Katherine’s tape package?  Holy cow!  This might be a terrific time for me to take back that comment I made about him sounding like Rainbow Brite whenever he talks.  It’s always the little ones you least suspect of being able to grind you into powder like a Bayer aspirin.

I’m still rooting for these two.  They look great together, but Katherine missed the fierceness mark she was going for.  She was having trouble with her step work, and things looked awkward and out of sync. See for yourself.  But don’t tell Mark I showed you.  I’m pretty sure he could knock the fillings right out of my head.

Watch Mark and Katherine’s Paso Doble from Rock Week here

Dancing with the Stars: April 9, 2012 – Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins Paso Doble (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

It was a celebration of all things leather and bad ass on Week Four of this season’s Dancing with the Stars, and early favorites Mark Ballas and mezzo-soprano Katherine Jenkins took to the floor with a paso doble they hoped would keep them at the top of the leader board. Despite some questionable footing and an excess of chain link fence that reminded me of one too many after hours bars I found myself in during my younger and wealthier nights in West Hollywood, it was a pretty smoking performance. And whatever the name is for Mark’s crawling across the floor on his knees should have a reality competition show all its own.  Check it out!

Watch Mark and Katherine’s Week Four Paso Doble

Sour Cream Chocolate Cake (The Booth Counts Me Down)

Long believed lost, the much-discussed "Gary Green Cake Booth Countdown Sign" was discovered on my old iPhone - April 7,2012

I have made less than ten cakes in my entire life.  The first ever was just a little over two years ago, when I foolishly made a casual offer to bake one for my fellow control room members at GSN Live.  I didn’t think at the time I would actually have to go through with it, or that they would remind me of my promise every day from that point forward.  I definitely didn’t expect a sign reading “Countdown to Gary’s Cake” to end up on the wall, forever reminding me that, among other things, I have a very big mouth.

But when you make a promise to your cohorts in the control room, you’d be stupid not to come through.  You spend hours a day, five days a week, in a darkened room with these people, in close proximity, with zero windows and only one exit.  It’s a foxhole environment. You’re acutely aware of all sneezes, sniffles and congestion levels detectable in a cough. You discuss current headlines, wedding plans, the previous night’s dinner, sporting rivalries (I just listen), family frustrations, pet situations, in-laws, dental emergencies, broken bones, broken relationships, and on the rare occasion, politics.

It makes sense, considering the tight quarters, that you all do your best to get along with one another.  First of all, it makes the day go by faster.  But there’s also that annoying little thing called live television… and when things start to go wrong in front of the camera, you need to make sure you’re all on the same side of the situation. And even if there’s very little you can do to save it, you hope you at least have some people around you you’ll want to laugh about it with, even two years later (The “oh shit” moment happens at 4:34).

I didn’t know how to make a cake in 2009.  And I don’t mean a cake from scratch… even pre-made box mixes confounded me.  I didn’t own cake pans.  I certainly didn’t have things like flour, sugar and oil just sitting around my kitchen.  And if I did somehow manage to successfully pull a cake off, I had no idea how one moved it from its place of origin to a second destination without leaving half its frosting behind on the passenger seat of a car.

But you can’t let down your control room.  So I recruited MG who helped me purchase not only the necessities, but also suggested some candy lettering, because come on…  gay men are experts at snappy little messages.  Witness our Facebook updates.  They’re legendary! And if we can do the same thing across the top of a cake using colorful little letters made of sugar, saying no isn’t even an option.

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