Next Food Network Star Recap: June 5, 2011 (2 of 5)

Make way for Penny, this season’s “Bitch on Wheels,” or more appropriately, “Bitch on Heels.” Penny seems certain that her show concept, “Stilettos in the Kitchen” is a fresh and edgy angle that’s going to take her all the way to the winner’s circle. Clearly, Penny did not check in on the final grosses for Sex and the City 2. And I don’t know about you, but sexy is the last thing I feel when I’m dicing onions, rolling out puff pastry and accidentally setting dish towels aflame, but perhaps Penny knows something I don’t.

In Penny’s world, everything in the kitchen is an aphrodisiac. Beef stew is sexy! Fennel is sexy! Farmer’s Markets… well, hell why don’t you just plop yourself down and let Penny give you a lap dance right there next to the crate of organically grown bok choy. Even the judges seemed confused at Penny’s endless employment of the S-word, with the singular exception of Susie Fogelson, who labelled Penny “empowered,” re-enforcing Penny’s own misguided but common belief that “strong woman” and “endlessly pushy, obnoxious, and insulting” are the same thing.

So, of course, it makes perfect sense to team Penny up right off the bat with the season’s Sad Doll, Alicia, who made her title official by busting out the first hysterical tears of the season (at the :55 minute mark, for those of us with a clock running).

Our dear Alicia fell to pieces during her first on-camera challenge when director Alton Brown called her out for her timid, nearly-inaudible delivery. After having already been criticized once by the judges for her questionable accent, equal parts Midwest, Valley Girl, Klingon and novocaine, Alicia let the water works fly. She managed to pull herself together long enough to make it through her scripted promo, and the judges were wowed by her poached pears (nearly ruined by an inattentive Penny – coincidence?). Unfortunately, Alicia’s weepy status seems to be cemented by the teaser for the next episode in which she once again falls apart in the face of pressure. I don’t know about you, but I don’t see Food Network thinking either of these diametrically-opposed personalities would be something any viewer would want to tune in and learn from on a weekly basis. But hey, at least the two of them demonstrated some kind of personality, which was not the case for all the contenders.

NEXT: PRETTY ISN’T EVERYTHING