My take on this story:

Dog could hear everything going on from the start.
Dog hoped no one would notice him.
Dog mouthing silently to camera man, “YOU… DON’T… SEE… ME.”
Dog had big plans to move to Hawaii, Oregon or Guam…. anyplace without tornadoes so enormous even your fleas jump off you looking for better cover.

Now… all plans ruined.
Network news foils a brilliant plan yet again.

I don’t know. Others may see this whole thing differently.

I haven’t won anything since I got a red ribbon at the 6th grade science fair. When I get that Daytime Emmy it’s gonna look so good on my mantle next to that red ribbon!

The only question left is which nehru tuxedo will I be wearing?

I once wrote a story about a nice guy who ended up breaking into the home of his boss and strangling the maid when he unexpectedly found her there, innocently cleaning the inside of a giant vase with a vacuum hose. He snuck up behind her, yanked the hose from her hands and wrapped it around her throat. She twisted and kicked for a while, but he just dragged her around the house, tugging her along backwards from one room to the next to keep her from re-gaining her balance and putting up any real fight.

After she was dead, he kept his grip around her throat for another few minutes because he had seen so many movies where characters who are certain to be dead turn out to not be, and come back in the third act to surprise the killer who then stumbles down some basement stairs in shock and bangs their head against a water heater and dies.

Of course, the killer then never comes back to life in the same unexpected way the original victim did because they’re after all, a killer, and we expect fairness to prevail in our movies, unless the movie is directed by Robert Altman or someone German. But in real life, I know for a fact that you’re less likely to die from hitting your head against a water heater than you are if an intruder drags you around a house backwards by your neck with a vacuum hose. Ask anyone off the street about this; you’ll get the same answer.

When I was a kid and my parents let me stay home by myself, I would pull the largest knife out of the kitchen drawer and stab a cardboard box in my toy closet repeatedly, honing my aim and fortitude in case a burglar broke into the house and tried to kill me. Looking back, perhaps I should have asked myself why I thought a burglar might break into the house between 2 and 4pm on a Sunday afternoon, but ever since the time I was first able to pull myself out of my playpen, I have lived feverishly by the motto that you can never be too prepared.

As an example: I don’t wait until the end of the day to buy tickets for a movie Michael and I are planning to see that night. I buy them first thing in the morning. And if Michael is in charge of buying the tickets and plans on waiting until the end of the day, I try to warn him. “Maybe they’ll be sold out by the time you go to buy them. And then where will we be, hmmm?” But Michael just does what he wants. And almost always, there are good seats left. But sometimes there aren’t, and when that happens I don’t wag my finger and look at him with crooked lips, even though I could. It’s the same thing with being ready with a giant knife on a Sunday afternoon. “Maybe someone will crawl in through the doggie door and kill me when I’m home alone. And I won’t notice in time because I’ll too busy playing UNO against myself at the kitchen table. Then where will I be, hmmm? Dead. Dead with three Skips and a Draw Four card still unplayed, that’s where! And then people could say, “He should have been ready with a giant knife just in case,” and wag their fingers at each other during my funeral. Who wants that? Not me. That’s why I’m always ready: buying movie tickets, avoiding being murdered, and everything in between.

Needless to say, Michael is not fond of this paranoid quality of mine. When he’s supposed to call me at a certain time and doesn’t, I get panicky and start dialing his phone over and over, then hanging up before I leave a message, so he can see I’ve called fifteen times but won’t actually be met with the desperate voicemails I used to leave him, such as, “I need to know that a serial killer hasn’t gotten you. I’m worried. Plus I don’t understand how people are identified by dental records and I won’t do it right. PLEASE CALL ME BACK!”

Michael sighs sadly and presses his eyelids together dramatically whenever I start acting this way. Sure, I may sometimes walk down the street with my head facing the sky in case a piano is about to fall out a window. And when we hear about a trainer being pulled into the water by a whale at a marine park, I may look over at him and state plainly, “And THAT is why I want a harpoon!” I think secretly Michael belives I need help for this. But I don’t care. Sometimes, when we’re leaving the movie theatre he goes down the stairs without holding the handrail, and I say to myself, “We’ll see who gets the last laugh, buddy.”

Michael got a birthday brownie with ice cream and homemade blueberry sauce, and the candle didn’t even set the house on fire!

Homemade Blueberry Sauce from AllRecipes

For approximately 8 servings:

• 2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries
• 
1/4 cup water
• 
1 cup orange juice
• 
3/4 cup white sugar
• 
1/4 cup cold water
• 
3 tablespoons cornstarch
• 
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
• 
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon

In a saucepan over medium heat, combine the blueberries, 1/4 cup of water, orange juice, and sugar. Stir gently, and bring to a boil.

In a cup or small bowl, mix together the cornstarch and 1/4 cup cold water. Gently stir the cornstarch mixture into the blueberries so as not to mash the berries.

Simmer gently until thick enough to coat the back of a metal spoon, 3 to 4 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in the almond extract and cinnamon.

Thin sauce with water if it is too thick for your liking.

Salumi Flatbread

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“I do a great deal of research – particularly in the apartments of tall blondes.”
-Raymond Chandler

This week, The Big W devotes his entire Podcast to the swingin’ songs of Annette Funicello, with tracks from the former Mousketeer recorded between 1958 and 1965.

Highlights (well, the highlights for me) include Annette’s version of “Blame it on the Bossa Nova” and her 1960 track “Pineapple Princess,” written by The Sherman Brothers (The Jungle Book, Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) for Annette’s 1960 album entitled… wait for it… Hawaiianette: Annette Sings Songs of Hawaii!

And most movie fans my age will probably recognize the title tracks from the Disney films “Merlin Jones” and “The Monkey’s Uncle.” Concerning the latter, there is somewhere an ex-boyfriend of mine with a video of me stoned and singing along while jumping on a mattress and scratching under my arms with my fingertips.  I’m sure I’m not alone.

Here come the groovy vocal stylings of Annette Funicello, in all her double-tracked glory.  Enjoy!

The player may take a moment to appear.

Show 200 (4/14/13) playlist:

• Tall Paul
• Don’t Jump To Conclusions
• First Name Initial
• It’s Really Love
• Pineapple Princess
• That’s Amore
• Blame It On The Bossa Nova
• The Parent Trap
• Merlin Jones
• The Monkey’s Uncle
• Beach Party Tonight
• Muscle Beach Party
• Bikini Beach Party
• Let’s Twist Again
• Draggin’ In The U.S.A.
• No Way To Go But Up
• Sufer’s Holiday
• California Sun
• The Battle Of San Onofre
• Swingin’ and Sufin;
• Like A Baby
• How Will I Know My Love

“An Evening At The Buddies Lounge” can be heard every week, in Living Stereo, direct from STUDIO 67 in Hollywood, CA. The show is produced by National-International Broadcasting.

Visit the Buddies Lounge blog here

Visit the Buddies Lounge podcast home here

I know I’m late to the party on this, but Ross and Rachel WERE on a break and he totally had every right to sleep with that copy girl!

And my Facebook friends support me… more or less.

Martha Stewart’s Chocolate Macaroons
(makes approximately 2 dozen)

• 4 ounces semisweet chocolate, broken into small pieces
• 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, sifted
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 2 1/2 cups unsweetened shredded coconut
• 3 large egg whites
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• Pinch of salt

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Bring a small saucepan of water to a boil. Reduce heat, and allow it to simmer. Place chocolate in a small bowl, and set over saucepan. Stir until chocolate is melted, and set aside to cool.

In a large bowl, combine cooled chocolate, cocoa, sugar, coconut, egg whites, vanilla, and salt. Use your hands to mix well, completely combining ingredients.

Dampen hands with cold water. Form 1 1/2 tablespoons of mixture into a loose haystack shape, and place on prepared baking sheet. Repeat with remaining mixture, placing macaroons 1 inch apart. Bake until just firm to the touch but still soft in the middle, 15 to 20 minutes. Remove baking sheet from oven to a wire rack, and let cool on baking sheet.

“It is the beginning of the end when you discover you have style.”
― Dashiell Hammett

Michael has been so health-conscious lately… steamed vegetables, freshly squeezed fruit juices, hummus and polenta.  My cake brought that all to a crashing halt last night.  I thought he might resent me for whipping it up.  Instead, he exclaimed, “I wanna dive in and roll around in that!”  Who wouldn’t?  Those creamy waves of maple frosting would feel so good against the skin, wouldn’t they?

I am not a good influence.  After I helped clog up his arteries and flush away that build-up of nutrients, I also kept him up past his bed time. He goes to be at ten… on a Saturday night!  He probably doesn’t want me telling you that, but I let him walk out of here with three pieces of carrot cake in my favorite piece of tupperware, so I figure he won’t kick me.

Carrot Cake with Maple Cream Cheese Frosting from Smitten Kitchen

• 2 cups all purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon ground ginger
• 2 cups sugar
• 1 1/4 cups canola oil
• 4 large eggs
• 3 cups grated peeled carrots
• 1 cups coarsely chopped walnuts
• 1/2 cup raisins

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Whisk flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger in medium bowl. Whisk sugar and oil in large bowl until well blended. Whisk in eggs, one at a time. Add flour mixture and stir until blended. Stir in carrots, walnuts and raisins.

Butter two 9-inch-diameter cake pans. Line the bottoms of pans with waxed paper. Butter and flour paper;  then tap out excess flour. Divide the batter between the two pans, and bake for about 40 minutes each, or until a tester inserted into center comes out clean.

(I baked them together at 300°F.  The temperature adjustment was accidental, but the cakes came out moist and delicious, though it took about 60 minutes in the oven).

Cool cakes in pans 15 minutes. Turn out onto racks. Peel off waxed paper and allow to cool completely.

Maple Cream Cheese Frosting

• Two (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
• 
1 stick unsalted butter brought to room temperature
• 2 cups confectioners’ sugar
• 1/4 cup pure maple syrup

In a mixer beat all the ingredients on medium, until fluffy. Chill the frosting for 10 to 20 minutes, until it has set up enough to spread smoothly.

If you’re one of nearly 1,000 people who cast a vote in The Cat-Chelor, I want to thank you for helping make my mind up for me.

And if you’re one of those throuble-makers who voted for Feral Darryl over and over, I especially want to thank you for finally finding something else to do.  He was in the lead for a good 36 hours.  I was growing worried for my future.  While I certainly didn’t want to circumvent the democratic process, I also didn’t want to spend the next 15 years living inside a suit of chainmail.

Your votes decided it, so click through to see who I brought home.

It’s Kalista!

Here’s the official bio from her TvFoodAndDrink.com press release:

Kalista is as sweet as they come.  She is very gentle, and there does not appear to be a mean bone in her body.  When she looks at you with her large, soft eyes it is difficult to resist petting her and giving her love. She is sometimes a little reserved, preferring a comfortable ledge or cat tree to being the center of attention.

Kalista came from one of Best Friends Los Angeles’ semiannual adoption events. At these events, many cats are brought from high-kill rate shelters as a last ditch effort to get them into loving homes.  When Kalista was among one of the cats left at the end of the day, we stepped in and took her so that she would not have to return to the shelter to an almost certain death sentence. 

Michael and I were won over by Kalista from the first visit.  While the young male cats were climbing all over us and trying to claim all our attention, she quietly waddled over and sat by our feet until we noticed her.  Michael pointed out that she was the only female cat to make a move on us.  A couple of the males took some swats at her, but she humbly stood her ground.  How could we not give in?

She’s nine years old and had been at the shelter for a long long time, patiently waiting for someone to come and rescue her.  It took her a few days to get comfortable having an entire home to herself.  I expect she kept waiting for another cat to spring out from behind a door and tackle her.  She’s slowly venturing around the pad now, but nine out of ten searches will wind up either locating her under the box spring or buried in my blankets. Haphazardly tossing my computer bag on the bed is no longer an option.

And she hates Michael as you can see.

There’s still one final step.  I need to come up with a new name. “Kalista” was arbitrarily assigned to her.  I don’t think it suits her.  I’ve been pitched some options and they’re presented below with a few Michael and I have stormed up ourselves.  Vote for your favorite, or add your own!

But before you do that, consider rescuing a pet from a shelter. There’s lots of older ones just looking for companionship and a warm place to sleep who won’t cause a big ruckus.  If you can’t adopt, there are lots of non-profit organizations devoted to saving homeless or abandoned cats and dogs.  They will always welcome a donation.  Here’s a place for you to start.