Vintage Enoteca has claimed its place as one of the most stimulating wine bars on the Sunset Strip. Masterfully blending a tone of Hollywood casual with a minimalist New York décor, this cozy neighborhood eatery showcases Italian gourmet food and a carefully cultivated selection of beers and wine in a relaxed and elegant setting.

Owners Danielle Francois and Jennifer Moore walked away from booming careers in advertising to pursue their dream of opening a west coast destination for lovers of sophisticated but affordable cuisine. Small plates include medjool dates with manchego and goat cheese, house-made pickled vegetables, and deviled eggs topped with choice of bacon, salmon or caviar. Varieties of bruschetta range from blue crab with mint and lemon, asparagus with succulent onion jam, and chicken liver pâté. Those seeking more substantial fare will delight in the variety of gourmet panini, savory flatbreads and pasta dishes available.

Walk through the front door on any given night and you’re likely to find both owners waiting to greet you, tantalize you with the latest specials and suggest the perfect wine to pair with your meal. Hard-to-find varietals, both international and domestic, abound in the wine list. Highlights include Quinta do Feital “Auratus”, Luli Pinot Noir and Saxon Brown Semillon. Microbrews include Anderson Valley Oatmeal Stout, Chimay Bleue, Belgium, and – a nod to the owners’ East coast roots – Coney Island Albino Python Lager.

Featuring coffee drinks, fresh bagels and breakfast sandwiches each morning, Vintage Enoteca also boasts a unique brunch menu on weekends along with bottomless blackberry sangria. Ample free parking is available directly behind the eatery.

Vintage Enoteca
7554 W. Sunset Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA   90046
(323) 512-5278

Hours: Monday – Sunday, 8AM – 12AM

I may be the only person in Los Angeles today watching videos of Gary Coleman’s stand-up comedy routine from 1989, but so be it.

Fans of 1980s television will be pleased to learn that Actor Shavar Ross, who played Arnold Drummond’s best friend Dudley on television’s Diff’rent Strokes (yes, the Dudley that almost got molested by bike shop owner Gordon Jump in that “very special episode,” The Bicycle Man), has created the first website dedicated to his on and off screen pal, the late Gary Coleman.

“I was baffled I couldn’t find a dedicated fansite for Gary,” says Ross. “I’ve always been a fan of Gary’s even though I played his best friend on TV. I have my own blog and love blogging so I thought Gary deserved his own fansite as well.”

GaryColeman.net was launched just four weeks ago but is already stacked with some pretty interesting content including some little known facts (Gary was paid only $1,500 an episode for his first season of Strokes) videos (the above-mentioned stand-up routine, plus all of Gary’s 1981 TV movie On The Right Track.  You can even create your own commercial breaks by flipping over to Gary’s CashCall ads), Diff’rent Strokes cast photos, Gary’s TV Guide covers, and more than one pic of Gary’s guest-turn on an episode of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.

I’m tempted to caption this with a “What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Twikki?”  but I’ll refrain.

Ross says it will take him several more months to complete the site but fans of Gary can visit and enjoy the site now. “The site is positive but I want to be as thorough and factual as I can when it comes to Gary’s life. Hopefully through the site they’ll see that even though Gary’s life and career was tumultuous, he was still a man who loved, and cared and smiled a lot.”

Shavar Ross is founder of Tri-Seven Entertainment, a film, television and Internet media company which produces, acquires and distributes cutting-edge inspirational products. Contact: Shavar Ross. Tri-Seven Entertainment, http//:trise7en.com, info(at)tri7entertainment(dot)com (818) 632-7210.

Story information sourced at PRWeb.com

These browned butter cookies may not leap off the page, but you need to just trust me on this. No one you offer these moist, sweet and savory cookies to will be satisfied after just one. They are immediately going into high rotation at Chez Tv Food and Drink! Many many thanks to Danelle at Let’s Dish Recipes for sharing!

When telemarketers call my home in the middle of the day and cheerfully ask, “Hi!  May I speak to Mister or Misses Green?” I usually shout back woefully, “Misses Green has been dead for eight days now.  Who are you… and why do you keep doing this to me?”

After a momentary gap of dread, the telemarketer begins desperately apologizing in clumsy stammers and half-sentences, and when I feel like they’ve suffered enough I interrupt them by saying, “You sound hot.  What do you like in the bedroom?”  Before they can recover, I hang up on them.

The tingling afterglow I experience from indulging in little weekday funsies like this has convinced me that I could be a stay-at-home husband for the rest of my life and never be bored.  Why did I spend so many years convincing myself that the keys to a fulfilled life were challenging my creative limits and building myself a robust career outside of the home, when it’s just as rewarding to watch Franklin and Bash all day in my bathrobe while I’m drinking iced mochas and painting my nails?

Exactly one year ago this week, my last show was cancelled after a three-and-a-half year run, and in the time it took for the network executive to get out the words, “severance package,” I went from being a high-functioning, multi-tasking television producer to just another out-of-work Hollywood dude who looked at the busses going up and down Sunset and wondered if eventually he’d end up so broke he’d actually have to get a job driving one.

Meanwhile, MG has become the primary breadwinner in the relationship.  He goes to work every day at a stop-motion animation studio in Burbank.  He sweats under lighting grids, and strains his lower back muscles leaning over miniature sets and adjusting puppets so he can snap a single frame, and then he has to start the process all over again for the next frame.  He sometimes slices open his fingers, or burns his arm, or gets headaches from the intense concentration he has to maintain to execute his work as phenomenally as he does. It’s always a grueling day for him.

And yet, he’s still considerate enough to stop and call to ask what I’m doing at home.  I tell him I’m updating my resume or getting ready for a run, but really I’m pricing swimming pools on the web, alphabetizing the board games, or practicing my autograph for an hour to get it “just so” in case anyone ever asks for it.

And every Thursday, I make cookies for him take to work and share with all his co-workers on Friday morning.  I do this partly because I know how slow and arduous the process of creating stop-motion animation is, and I think anyone who voluntarily chooses to work in that field deserves to be treated after a long, hard week.

But I also do it so eventually MG is making enough money so he can hire me a cleaning lady.  I certainly don’t mind picking the occasional shoe up off the floor, but I’m a busy man.  I don’t have time to dust and wax and polish this whole place while I’m waiting to convince the next telemarketer to hurry and call the police because any minute now my kidnapper will be back with the hacksaw and the sulphuric acid.  Fun doesn’t just create itself.  It’s hard work.

Browned Butter Sugar Cookies, found at Let’s Dish Recipes

• 14 tablespoons butter (1 3/4 sticks, 10 tablespoons separated)
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 2 cups packed dark brown sugar, divided
• 2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour plus 2 tablespoons
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon table salt
• 1 large egg
• 1 large egg yolk
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Heat 10 tablespoons butter in a 10-inch stainless steel (not nonstick) skillet or small uncoated saucepan over medium heat until melted, about 2 minutes. Continue to cook, swirling pan constantly until butter is dark golden brown and has nutty aroma, 1-3 minutes.

Remove the skillet from the heat and transfer the browned butter to a large heatproof bowl. Stir the remaining 4 tablespoons of butter into the hot butter to melt; set aside for 15 minutes.

Adjust an oven rack to the middle position and heat the oven to 350 degrees. Line 2 large baking sheets with parchment paper, or coat with cooking spray.

In a shallow baking dish or pie plate, mix the granulated sugar and 1/4 cup packed brown sugar; set aside. Whisk the flour, baking soda, and baking powder together in a medium bowl; set aside.

Add the remaining 1 3/4 cups brown sugar along with the salt to the cooled butter and mix until no sugar lumps remain, about 30 seconds. Scrape down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula.

Add the egg, egg yolk, and vanilla and mix until fully incorporated, about 30 seconds. Add the flour mixture and mix until just combined, about 1 minute. Give the dough a final stir with a rubber spatula to ensure that no flour pockets remain and the ingredients are evenly distributed.
 Form the dough into 1 1/2 inch balls, and roll them in the sugar mixture to coat. Place them on the prepared baking sheets, about 2 inches apart. Bake one sheet at a time until cookies are browned and still puffy and edges have begun to set but the centers are still soft, 8-10 minutes. Do not overbake! Cool for 1-2 minutes on the baking sheets and then remove to a wire rack to cool completely. Makes about 2 dozen cookies.

DO NOT CLICK THROUGH IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN WHO GOT THE BOOT ON TONIGHT’S DANCING WITH THE STARS SEMI-FINALS RESULTS SHOW!

THE COUPLE WHO LEFT TONIGHT WAS…

“Homespun” Emily Maynard finally returns to our televisions tonight to take her long-overdue turn as The Bachelorette, bringing along her signature combination of demure playfulness and brittle insecurity.

Oh, and the daughter.  Yeah, that deadweight kid is still hanging around.  And her name is still “Little Ricki.”  And her fancy pink playroom is still bigger than my entire apartment!

You have to believe that Southern-bred “Mama Homespun” will display nothing but exemplary behavior all season long, in the same way she did on the Big Bad Bromack’s season of The Bachelor a couple years ago.  After all, baby is watching!

So, there’ll be no lap dances… no booby flashing… no vodka snorting… no trying to fish dead leaves out of the hot tub with her ass cheeks… and most likely, no screaming at herself incoherently in the bathroom mirror.  You know, all the things we loved most about Ashley the Girl Dentist.

None of that’s going down this season.

So go put on yer “watchin’ pants.”  This here’s a classy Bachelorette, folks!

And if we know we can’t count out any naughty behavior from the lady, I’m going to take it on faith that this year’s crop of muscle-baboon-douche-bags are going to be so crass, callous and dense, they’ll make Bentley Williams look like Oskar Schindler.

And the first confirmation of this theory rolled in a little after 7pm my time from my sister in D.C., who sent me this telling text:

No need for me to even ask what she was referring to. We’ve been talking about tonight for weeks. She’s the only person who knows I did extra crunches this morning and had TWO protein smoothies to make sure I looked good for the season premiere. So, when I asked her if she’d give me any hints to whet my appetite, she followed up with this:

Well, that’s certainly got my curiosity piqued.  So here we go!  Our sweet potato Emily is in place.  She’s got the little tater tot in tow! Time to back up the meat wagon and see what sticks to her ribs! Welcome to Season 8 of The Bachelorette!

Let’s start things off with Tony, the lumber trader and single dad looking for love.  I have to assume this is not the first Bachelorette to feature a guy showing up with a glass Cinderella slipper for m’lady.  If it is, the producers certainly have been asleep at the wheel.  Oh, and by the way.  Tony is shredded like a bag of Kraft taco cheese on top a julienne salad.  Don’t believe me?

Say hello to David, the singer-songwriter. He’s the sensitive intellectual type who, in his brief intro, employed the words, “ineffable” “quintessence” and “disparate” – all of which I had to look up in order to make sure I was spelling them properly here.  When not composing music, David enjoys a bi-monthly indulgence in mild calisthenics, as evidenced here.

 Hey, I don’t make up the rules on how to get more hits to my website. I just play by ‘em!

Charlie is 32 and enjoys keeping his shirt on, chatting with this bulldog, and banging on the titanium plate in his head.

Nope, I’m not shitting you.  Charlie was standing on a balcony that collapsed and sent him to the ER with a severe brain injury.  I’m talking a really, really severe brain injury. He actually thinks that bulldog is Meredith Vieira, and that he’s only one question away from the million dollars!

Good news!  Arie is young, single and hot!  Bad news.  Arie is also a race car driver. As all experienced Bachelor and Bachelorette fans know, Emily’s deceased fiancé was a race car driver too.  This could prove to be extremely uncomfortable and painful for Emily. Somewhere, the producers of The Bachelorette are twirling their mustaches and feeding orphan kittens to their Doberman.

Hey, look gang!  It’s “Doug the Hugger” from Seattle.  Next.

Here comes this season’s corn-dog!  Joe is a Field Energy Advisor who wobbles back and forth excitedly like he’s in the middle of giving birth to a supermodel, and has consumed enough energy drinks to supply power to all of Finland!

Aaron is a biology teacher who looks just like a guy I dated once who made me pay for everything, pointed out all my zits, and generally treated me badly, so I love him.

Alessandro is a Grain Merchant from Brazil!  I know what you’re thinking… ANOTHER grain merchant from Brazil?  Seen one, seen ‘em all, right?

This is Jef.
Jef with one “f.”
And a skateboard.
He says he doesn’t know why, but people tend to not take him seriously

It’s MC Stevie!  MC Stevie never goes anywhere without his boom box!  MC Stevie thinks Jennifer Beals is super bitchin’!  MC Stevie is totally stoked they’ve invented Accutane! MC Stevie is this close to figuring out his Rubik’s Cube, and is really hoping Luke and Laura eventually find their way to each other.

Special Guest Appearance by Jonathan Winters.

When a guy first meets you and says, “All my friends call me ‘Wolf’!” it’s best not to let him know you have a six year old daughter.

Travis thought he’d break the ice with that old chestnut from Dating 101: “So you’re probably wondering why I’m holding this egg.”

Last but not least, arriving via helicopter, is Kalon, the luxury brand consultant and guy who apparently believes every girl wants to fall into the arms of the title character from American Psycho.

WHEW!  I don’t know about you, but I’m super horned up tired already.  I can’t wait to see what happens next!

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

As The Bachelorette season premiere gets thirty minutes less air time than The Bachelor season premiere,  Emily really needed to get a wiggle on.  There really wasn’t much time to set any too many conflicts.  No one likes Kalon, who described himself as a “hopeless romantic” but that everyone else called “helicopter guy.”  Boy, the competition to be witty with the guys is fierce this year, isn’t it?

As for the First Impression Rose, that went to Doug the Hugger, who played the best hand anyone could possibly think of to snag the attentions of our fair Homespum.  He had his son, Austin, write a letter directly to Emily telling her how his daddy tucks him in every night, gives him lots of big hugs and is always being funny.  Homespun’s heart was melted by the touching letter and she just couldn’t wait to pin that rose onto Doug’s lapel.

I myself am still suspicious, mostly because the last line of the letter read,  “P.S.  My daddy has no STD’s, is hung like a bull elephant, and only requires anal on month-aversaries!”

And before you know it, we’re at the Rose Ceremony.  Among those given a pass to next week were Helicopter Guy Kalon, Race Car Arie, Metal Head Charlie, Jef with one F, Corn Dog Joe, My Ex-Boyfriend Aaron, John the “Wolf,” Kraft Taco Cheese Tony, and Ostrich Egg Travis.

And sent packing – well, actually they weren’t around long enough to un-pack… nevertheless we won’t have the following dudes to kick around anymore.

Brent the Technology Salesman, who, when asked about finding love, replied.. ”at my age… with six kids… not a high probability.”

Jean-Paul the Marine Biologist : ”It felt like my heart fell on the floor and got trampled.”

And Jackson, the Fitness Model.  Jackson the Fitness Model knows the “First Rule” of Bachelorette: Always Be Auditioning for Bachelor Pad.

Whew… the first Rose Ceremony is always the toughest, but I’m feeling like Emily’s really got a shot at finding the man of her dreams.  What about you?  Looking ahead, we’ve got… castles, kilts, archery, cliff diving, and Dolly Parton… as Homespun Emily continues her search to find her great Southern Comfort.

All in a day’s work when you’re The Bachelorette!

After investing an entire season of Monday nights into Dancing with the Stars, you’d think I’d be as excited as the remaining teams are that we’ve all reached the semi-finals.

But as the season moves along, and the more amusing dead weight is slowly pared away, I’m sadly left with very little to mock.  Remember Martina Navratilova and her “back end of horse” pants?  Tiger-faced Jack Wagner?  The way Melissa Gilbert used to slog around the room with misery plastered across her face as if mad scientists were threatening to inject her with smallpox if she didn’t score at least a 7 each week?

Those were the days.  I was like a dog with a bowl full of T-bones – so may choices for where to plant my fangs, I just wanted to roll over onto my back and wiggle on the rug until I accidentally gave myself an erection in front of company.

Well, those days are long gone.  We’ve got nothing left but the crème de la crème, and though the judges say it every single year, it’s actually true that this season, we’ve got the best four teams ever entering into tonight’s competition!

There’ll be no dog erections tonight.

William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Dance #1 –  Tango  - It’s my opinion that William’s good looks have gotten in the way of his getting the credit he deserves for his talent and ability.  But it’s the same all over for guys like William, Jon Hamm, David Beckham and myself – we’re just too darn good looking to be given credit for the million and one other ways we also outshine everyone we know.

William plus a tango equals an opportunity to show off a snarly machismo while whipping Cheryl Burke around the room like a wet rag in a musical number set at a car wash. William did not disappoint.  Cheryl’s gonna need to double up on her chiropractic visits after tonight.

Bruno: “No doubt who was on top. You were like the DICTATOR of the tango!”
Len: “I’ve not been so excited since my mum put me in long trousers! This is gonna be the best semi-finals ever.  Overall, it was terrific!”
Carrie Ann: “You dance so beautifully! Such a great combination of charm and passion and sensuality.”

SCORE:    28/30 

Dance #2 was the Samba.

Bruno: “You’ve entered the pleasure zone! I’m gonna die with “bum envy!”
Len: “I’ve never looked at a man’s bum for so long in my life!”
Carrie Ann: “You lived up to every expectation. Your bounce was more like a THRUST!”

SCORE:    30/30 –  

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:   58/60 –  

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Dance #1 was the Quick Step – Despite her lackluster performance last week resulting in her lowest scores in a month, Katherine and her naughty bits are still my pick for this season’s mirror ball.  Katherine could give the pros on the show a run for the money.  And she could most definitely kick the shit out of “The Troupe.”

SCORE:   29/30 –  

Dance #2 was a Salsa, and as has become the standard for Katherine, it was a knock out… until the final five seconds.  Wow!

SCORE:    27/30 –  

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:    56/60 –  

Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd – Dance #1 – Waltz – I personally prefer Donald in a sleeveless t-shirt and red chinos.  I think the man “shakes” better than he “glides.”  That means, he may be at a distinct disadvantage getting stuck with the waltz.  He doesn’t look bad by any means, but he’s not good enough to outshine his partner with the slower dances, thereby making it nearly impossible for him to steal the show.  As Bruno mentioned in his comments, “It’s much harder to impress with a waltz.”  Remember that, kids before you head to the front of the classroom for show and tell.

SCORE:    28/30 

Dance #2 was a Samba

SCORE:    29/30 

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:   57/60 –  

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough – Dance #1 Argentine Tango – Well, I haven’t really been a fan of Maria all season, so there’s no reason to start now, even though I really did like this dance.  It would probably be the classy thing to do to give Maria some credit for the wonderful execution in this tango, but I don’t want to start a new precedent this deep into May Sweeps. So, I’ll just congratulate Maria for never having an accidental nip slip and thank Derek for cutting his pants tighter and tighter across his ass with each successive week.

SCORE:  30/30 

Dance #2 was the Jive

SCORE:  29/30 

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:   29 /60 –  

HICH SCORE OF THE NIGHT:    Derek and Maria

LOW SCORE OF THE NIGHT:   Mark and a seemingly-injured Katherine

WHO’S GOING HOME? Sorry, Donald,  You got stuck with the waltz and you’re paired with someone from “The Troupe.”  If that doesn’t spell the end of the line, I don’t know what does.

See you next week for the finals!

I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m pretty sure nothing screams “Mother’s Day” more than the brutal imagery of two young children hanging by the neck from the castle gates and still smoldering from being completely burned alive. Yes, it was a very special “After School” episode of Thrones entitled, “A Man Without Honor.”

Written by Johnny Mansbach for Tv Food and Drink

THEON GREYJOY
We pick up the morning after the seductively soiled wildling Osha has bedded Prince Theon. He wakes in the morning to find he is alone. And probably has crabs. Osha has fled Winterfell with the little Stark Lords Bran and Rickon on the back of the half-wit giant Hodor. HODOR!

After losing the scent of the boys, Theon throws a tantrum and beats up one of his insolent men. He’s clearly itching to unbridle his brute violence to show he is a leader. Or maybe he’s just itching from the crabs.

Maester Luwin has protected the young Starks his entire life. After Theon spots the Maester lurking nearby, he suspects the old man is hiding the boys… somewhere on a nearby farm…

JON SNOW
Jon is still lost, traveling far north of the wall in the Frostfangs with his wildling captive Ygritte. He has an historical conversation about the “land of the first men” with Ygritte, who is more interested in discussing Jon’s newly revealed virginity.

Ygritte teases Jon mercilessly, baiting him to lose his virginity to her. But it’s a ruse to lure him into her territory where Jon finds himself surrounded by dozens of unnerving wildlings… Will they know how valuable this Stark boy is? Based on Jon’s prideful ramblings to Ygritte regarding being the son of Ned Stark—probably so.

ARYA STARK
At Harrenhal, Arya overhears The Mountain report he’s hung 20 men while looking for the assassin that nearly made it to Tywin’s quarters. It was Arya’s assassin (fulfilling her second of three death wishes.)

Lord Tywin extends Arya even more luxuries. He discusses his family legacy with her as she slurps on a bowl of mutton soup. Distracted by his story, he turns his back to her. She slides a knife into her unseen hand. She’s so close to the legendary Lannister’s evil, pulsating neck… This could end the war and free her sister Sansa from the clutches of Tywin’s grandson King Joffrey. She’s too late; the moment has passed…

Continuing with the implausibly friendly tête-à-tête, the unlikely pair teaches each other of the history of the Targaryen dragons.

As Arya explains that women also rode the dragons with their brothers, Tywin notices Arya’s noble accent. He is convinced she is not simply a commoner. Could he possibly know she’s a Stark?

SANSA STARK
Sansa finds the courage to thank The Hound for saving her from near rape… but clearly he just wants to eat her face.

Sansa has nightmares about her near-ordeal. But she discovers the horror is far worse upon waking to find she’s gotten her first period. Bloody hell! So the good news is she now has a legitimate excuse for the mood swings. The bad news is she’ll now be expected to birth some slack-jawed mongrel children for the Gollum-faced Joffrey.

Now that Sansa is a woman, Cersei suddenly trusts her. In a rare, sensitive moment Cersei offers a maxi-pad and the advice that a good queen should love no one but her own children. When Sansa asks Cersei’s expectance in loving Joffrey, the Queen Regent offers that Sansa will probably never be able to truly love her unlovable son. Happy Mother’s Day, Cersei!

DAENERYS TARGARYEN
The richest man in all of Qarth, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, offers to help Dany search for her missing dragons. After walking into a roomful of Dothraki flambé, of course she doesn’t trust him.

Having been away ship-hunting, Ser Jorah returns to Qarth to comfort the grieving Khaleesi Dany. Doubting whom she can now trust, Daenerys bestows one command upon her loyal knight, “Find my dragons.” He vows to not fail her again. It is clear Ser Jorah would give his life for her… and her dragons (the book flirts with this quite a bit, so while the show is not as explicit, that’s how I’ve come to interpret it.) Plus, poor Dany really needs to get laid. I’m sure Khal Drogo wouldn’t have cut his hair over the moon of his life having a girl’s night out. She’s been through a lot.

In some seedy, exotic neighborhood of Qarth, Ser Jorah meets the creepy, cloaked woman Qaithe. Also apparently moonlighting as a local amateur tattoo artist, the mysterious woman makes it clear that Ser Jorah has betrayed the Khaleesi, then entrusts him with information that one of The Thirteen stole her dragons.

Ser Jorah rejoins The Mother of Dragons as she stands before The Thirteen. She learns that the King of Qarth has promised dragons to the mysterious warlock Pyat Pree. After the other members have a good chuckle, Xaro Xhoan Daxos steps forward to proclaim that he, the richest man in all of Qarth, is now also the King of Qarth. Upon this, eleven hooded figures step forward from behind the seated members and slit the throats of the remaining Thirteen.

Ser Jorah and Dany try to escape, but the warlock is everywhere. To be fair, Pyat is relatively friendly when trying to force Dany to stay in the House of the Undying to serve as mother of dragons… all-the-while appearing as plenty of horrifically starving apparitions.

ROBB STARK
Robb makes a short cameo just long enough to hear of Cersei’s declination of his peace terms. His bleeding-heart healer peasant crush Talisa also asks him for extra silk to help sew up the wounded: both friend and foe. Horny Robb “suddenly” agrees to aid the wounded enemy soldiers as well as his own. I think he considers this first base.

JAIME LANNISTER
In our premiere second-season showing of the captured Jaime Lannister, we find the “Kingslayer” reminiscing with his cousin and co-captor Alton. In the first season, the handsome Jaime looked like Prince Charming from the Shrek movies. But now the time-weathered warrior sports a beard that would rival that of the Galifianakis.

In the cage, Jaime shares his first memories of being a clumsy squire and cooks up a plan with Alton to escape. After leaning in closely, Jaime reveals the plan to be smashing in his cousin’s face with his heavy iron wrist cuffs. The plan works. Jaime defeats Alton’s unsuspecting face and, after strangling another poor extra, the Kingslayer is on the loose. But not for long…

Obviously a little rusty from being in a cramped cage, the narcissistic prince is recaptured. The father of the murdered guard demands Jaime’s head in retaliation, but Catelyn Stark steps in to, quite ironically, protect the life of her valuable prisoner.

Catelyn confronts Jaime for the first time since the boastful Lannister seized and had removed her beloved Ned’s head. Jaime baits her about Ned’s bastard son Jon. His reasoning is clear. Ned Stark had been with multiple women. Jamie finds himself far nobler to have only been with one woman—even if it has been his sister Cersei. Who’s keeping track of who’s mom was who’s and what not?

Remember: This was the man who pushed her son Bran out a two-story window, paralyzing him from the waist down. Holding back her Mother’s Day fury, Catelyn softly asks the porcelain giant Brienne to hand over her sword. Hmm, I’d start with cutting his ass off so he can’t even kiss it goodbye… But she can’t kill the metro scumbag Lannister yet… his family is still holding her daughters.

TYRION LANNISTER
The rational Lannister Imp only makes one appearance this week to talk with Cersei about Joffrey’s uncontrollable behavior. Cersei appears broken: she’s not used to revealing so much vulnerability to her brothers… only her cootch. It’s clear that Cersei is growing more fearful and Tyrion sees a rare glimpse of humanity in his brother-boinking queen sister.

Still, Cersei finds herself waxing philosophical about their familial karma… Comparing her legacy to that of the purebred Targaryen children, she’s sure that her incestuous relationship with Jaime has brought this horrific turmoil to her life. She fondly reflects on the charmingly cruel and hereditarily psychotic features her son has inherited from his uncle/daddy Jaime. Oh yeah, that reminds me again… Happy Mother’s Day, Cersei!

BRAN AND RICKON
Back in the courtyard of Winterfell, Theon has gathered his army and captured residents. He wants to show them something… Something that will send a message to remind everyone he’s in charge… Two little bodies, charred beyond recognition, hang by the neck from the castle gates.

In a horrifyingly sobering instant we realize, along with Maester Luwin and the wailing townspeople, that these are the bodies of the young Stark boys Bran and Rickon. It’s a disgusting thought, so we’ll hope not, especially since there’s no sign of Osha or Hodor. But this show has proven to be all-too-real in its interpretations of mortal politics.

It was a second week without seeing Stannis, Davos or the Red Sorceress Melisandre. But we did hear a mention that Stannis’ armies were just 5 days away from King’s Landing. And now we’re just 6 days away from another Game of Thrones.

To Cersei and all the other happy mothers out there: Happy Mother’s Day!

Well, once again I hauled my buns down to the Food Network Star open casting call in Burbank earlier this year, and once again the producers failed to pick up on how primed and poised I am to make my inevitable big splash on the American television scene.

Yes, even with my tightest t-shirt, my Alton Brown-inspired “smarty-pants” glasses, and pictures of my favorite dishes lovingly positioned and painstakingly photoshopped on pricey 8 x 10 glossy paper, I didn’t even make the first cut. I was, however, told I looked a little like Lou Diamond Phillips.  But until reality television comes up with a series entitled The Next Great “La Bamba” Re-make!, I don’t see what good that’s gonna do me.

So, I’ve packed up my phony smile, along with all my totally fabricated stories of “the most amazing moments” in my life (No, I actually haven’t run three European marathons, nor have I sky-dived in a tuxedo intending to propose marriage to my high school sweetheart), and I’ve completely cut out bicep curls, push-ups and squat thrusts until at least early 2013.

And I’ve put the Giada Delaurentiis butt tattoo on hold as well.

Screw ‘em all.

In the meantime, if I can’t be a Food Network Star competitor, I can certainly be the snarkiest Food Network Star blogger the world has ever seen.

With that said, I proudly present the inaugural edition of Tv Food and Drink’s 2012 Food Network Star, Season Eight re-caps, complete with all the judgment and sarcasm you’ve come to expect, this year newly accompanied by a healthy dose of the sentence, “Are you kidding…. they cast that tool instead of me???”

The big twist this year is that the show has decided to take a page from NBC’s The Voice, dividing the 15 competitors into groups of three, each led by a celebrity mentor – Alton, Giada and Bobby.  I don’t really know how I feel about this twist.  Bobby, Giada and Alton spent a lot of time in this episode forcibly boasting about how their team was tops, and throwing “pretend shade” on each other.  But I really don’t care whether Giada ultimately wins out over Bobby anymore than I do if Christina or Adam wins out over Cee Lo or Blake. They all have swimming pools the size of my childhood home.  How many more life victories do we have to watch these people claim?

But we’re stuck this new gimmick.  Sorry…. we’re stuck with this new drama-building twist! For this season anyway.  But at least it’s something new.  The same cannot be said for the fairly standard group of amateur tv chefs crowding the stage this season.  They can almost all be defined by singular identifying props… kooky eye wear, bow tie, bleachy, over-gunked Guy Fieri hair, nose ring, tattoos. Can’t we for once get someone with a third arm or a hump?

Of the fifteen hopeful food wizards, here are few that stood out in the premiere episode:

IPPY – laid-back dude from Hawaii.  Likes to cook whole pigs on a bed of hot twigs.  Weird gangly hair that says “off-beat” chef when it’s pulled back from his face, and “Ron Jeremy” when it isn’t.

ERIC – quit his job and title of sole bread winner in his family in order to compete on this show.  Does that make you want to root for him, or place an anonymous call to Social Services?

LINKIE – Well she didn’t particularly stand out, but her name is “Linkie.”  For Food Network Star, that’s enough.  Hell, with a perky little name like that, if this were Cupcake Wars, she’d be given the win in the first sixty seconds.  Linkie says things like “food is my art” and “the plate is my canvas.”  She should just stick to saying, “My name is Linkie!”  It makes me smile and think of a magical pony ready to grant me three wishes if I agree to spin around on one foot and believe that there’s good in the hearts of everyone.

CRISTIE – Healthy home-cooking advocate who had surgery to replace her eyes with those of a Chucky doll from the 1988 horror movie Child’s Play.

MARTIE – Martie said that she calls herself “Martie with the Party!”  She notably failed to mention whether anyone else calls her that.  I guess when she asked people to, it went about as well as when I had my my mid-life crisis and asked everyone to stop calling me “Gary Green” and start calling me “Rico the Man with the Plan!”

JUDSON – Representing the “hip nerd” congregation in its ongoing quest to never, ever win a single reality show – EVER!

EMILY – I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but in Hollywood, chicks so obsessed with the 1950s fashion they spend three hours every morning dressing up like a 1950s telephone operator just to go down to the lobby and get the Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon out of their mailbox are a dime a dozen.  They also regularly say things like “Keen,” “Hot diggity dog,” and “I like Ike!” and seem confused if you’re put off by it.

JUSTIN – This is the “kid” of the group, who will certainly be singled out regularly as “adorable,” and “precocious” as long as he’s around.   And no doubt, we will see endless shots of Judge Susie Fogelson laughing wildly at his youthful spunk while planning to get him to sit on her lap so she can tell him all about Mary Kay Letourneau.

We’ve also got two of those Type-A personalities with “bold” hair who are destined to overuse phrases like “Go big or go home,” and rub everyone the wrong way be the end of Episode #2.  One is named NIKKI and one is named MARTITA.  No need to learn which is which.  Food Network Star isn’t big enough for the both of them.

JOSH – He’s the unpredictable, edgy musician.  We know this because any chance he gets he jumps up and down while banging away on a non-existant guitar and screams, “Rock and Roll!”

CHALLENGE #1 – Each team must create their own restaurant from the ground up.  Each individual competitor must make a single dish and present it to the judging panel.

Chucky-Eyed Christie was the first to lodge an on-camera complaint this season.  Despite offering up what she called “all kinds of great ideas,” to her team (Team Alton), she was shot down at every turn, and relegated to being in charge of her team’s soup.  ”I really did not want to make the soup.”  It’s important that you remember that for later, but if you happened to forget, Christie mentioned it at least three times within the first hour.

Rock and Roller Josh decided to make a dumpling dish.  ”You need a lot of eggs because you want the dumplings to be light,” he communicated to the home audience with an authoritative air.  ”A LOT OF EGGS,” he repeated.  Guess who forgot to buy eggs at Whole Foods?  Quick Josh!   Jump up and down and yell “Freebird!”  Maybe nobody will notice.

Nikki took control of her team and declared herself a “natural born leader,” which we all know means three things… 1.) It’s the first time in Nikki’s life she’s ever proclaimed herself to be a “natural born leader.”  2.) She will alienate every other female on the show, including the make-up artist, the interns and the lady who mops the studio floor at night.  3.)  She’ll excuse it all by saying that no one can handle that she’s so “direct” and likes to “tell it how it is.”  She may also end up being guilty of spouting, “This is me!” or “I came here to win, not make friends!” before the judges finally decide to cut off her head.

Remember Eric?  The guy who quit his job and left his wife and child with about two weeks worth of salary before they’ll be forced into the street to beg for grubs and berries?  Well, he wanted to make his lasagna and ricotta from scratch.  Bobby advised against it, reminding Eric he’ll have plenty of time to impress, and not to overdo it out of the gate.  So Eric decides to make lasagna and ricotta from scratch.  The problem is he can’t get the milk hot enough, even after an hour of trying.  Maybe the wife and little one will be better off without him.

Rock and Roller Josh, who was an early front-runner with his hyperactive somersaults and bad-ass hand gestures fell to the back of the pack when he presented his dish to the judges.  Employing a creepy story about how his recently widowed mother used his “no- dumpling” dumpling soup to cheer herself up now that she’s alone, he managed to depress the entire table.

Little Linkie made a key lime pie.  They judges had one word: “cafeteria.”  Still, you know secretly they were all thinking about the totally fun Food Network show titles they could come up with that could play off the word, “Linkie!”

Nikki was asked what was special about her.  She said the following: “I’m fun!  I’m up for anything!”  Isn’t that what every female on The Bachelor says before passing out on the terra cotta steps?  This is all you wanted from a contestant, Food Network Star?  When I was asked in my interview to be on the show what was special about me, I answered that I could drink eight martinis and still drive home steering the wheel with only my thighs!  I guess I shouldn’t have tried to be such a show off.

Michele made a “sexy” bowl of mussels.  Her words, not mine.  When asked what made them sexy, she said that when she eats them she wants to have sex.  Upon hearing that, the mussels apologized and crawled off back to the kitchen.

Eric spent so much time trying to get the damn milk to boil for his ricotta from scratch, he forgot to think about a way to cleverly present himself in an interesting manner to the judges.  Their faces were so glazed over as they listened to him it was as if he was trying to explain the story lines from the first season of Smash.

Healthy food nut and doll-eyes Cristie continued to complain about how unhappy she was that she had to make the soup.  But I don’t think that was enough of a reason to actually take it out on the soup, do you?

Look at the poor soup.  It was probably so excited to be brought out of the kitchen and present itself to the judges and get some tv time, only to be crushed to hear them discuss its consistency with the same embarrassed whispers they might if the elephant did something naughty on stage at Circus Vargas.   I don’t know, it looks like refried beans to me, but what do I know.  I didn’t get on the show, and Cristie did.  But she didn’t help herself when she angrily went off on how Americans don’t eat right and get enough exercise.   I think this woman wants to execute any man, woman or child who gets caught drinking a Slurpee or indulging in a York Peppermint Patty.  She became so enraged at the head of the table, Judge Susie Fogelson instinctively gripped her steak knife and Bob Tuschman tried to hide himself behind a bowl of lobster bisque.

After all was said and done, Bobby’s Team won the first challenge of the season, which meant that one person from Giada’s team would be up for elimination along with one from Alton’s team.  Based on what the show had presented to us, in terms of both screen time and mishaps, it wasn’t tough to see who’d be on the block this week.  It was Rock and Roller vs. The Chucky Doll.

Josh and Cristie were each given one last chance to save themselves with Challenge #2. Each was asked to prepare their favorite dish for a Mother’s Day brunch and present it with the story behind its inspiration.

Josh prepared a fritata, and since his widowed mother story worked so well before, he decided to tell us more about her trying, hardscrabble life… she grew up in an orphange! She raised her own chickens!  She was forced to make her own cheese!  I don’t know about you, but I would much rather watch a show with Josh’s mother instead of anyone currently on Food Network Star.  Maybe she could team up with Eric’s abandoned wife and child and live handcuffed together in the Big Brother house and compete for immunity soup (There should also put in someone with a hump!).

Meanwhile, Cristie made something she called an “opposite” omelette and played the “brother was in Iraq” card, which in no way trumps the image of an orphaned chicken-raising widowed old lady eating “no-dumpling” dumpling soup.

And in the end it was really no surprise.  Who would you eliminate if you were the judges… the spastic but well-built, nicely-groomed musician, or the chick who looks like she wants to gut you and all your loved ones like a family of sickly salmon?  For Christie, it was all too little, too late.

I can’t say I didn’t see this elimination coming.  Poor Christie was edited into the most unlikable contestant on the show.  Not that she did a whole lot to help herself.   But I do feel a little badly for her.  I may not have the eyes of a “Good Guy” doll possessed by the spirit of voodoo practitioner and serial killer.  And I may not make soup that looks like a circus elephant plop.  But Christie and I do have one thing in common.  Neither one of us will be this season’s Food Network Star.

I made an appearance on the Comedy Central Game Show Distraction a few years back with my mom, Gloria.

I won… in more ways than I ever could have imagined.

Happy Mother’s Day to all!  Check out the vid below for the shocking turn of events during Round Three of the game!

In honor of Mother’s Day 2012, I present to you my favorite funny mom video of all time.  And yes, it features my own mother, Gloria. (a close second would be when I got to electrocute her on national television).

It’s quite rare that a frozen dessert treat gets one over on my mom, but this ice cream pie had a little something extra Gloria didn’t count on.  And so the fight begins.

In the end, as you might have expected, mother reigns supreme.  Did you expect anything less from Gloria Green?  No one in my family did.

Happy Mother’s Day, Gloria!

Watch Mom take down the over-frozen ice cream pie below in one of the funniest Mother’s Day videos you’ll ever see.