The #Bachelor Sean Lowe Finale Recap #YourTopTweets – March 11, 2013 (ABC)

A finale can be “exciting” or it can be “three hours,” but it can’t be both #Bachelor

Chris Harrison is a sadist. #Bachelor

Chris Harrison is the definition of a third wheel #Bachelor

Calling the 3 hour #bachelor finale “historic” seems a bit much. The wall coming down was historic. 3 hrs of bachelor is just tedious.

The #Bachelor sends the message that you should meet your spouse on TV. Call me old-fashioned, but the place to do that is the Internet.

The loser of #bachelor should be punished. Make her watch them get married-front row

I can smell the desperation through the screen. #bachelor

I always cry during #Bachelor. Of course, I always cry when I hear “the touch, the feel… of cotton” commercial jingle, so maybe it’s me.

No Chris… Only the fat chicks are on the edge of their seats #bachelor

Is it just my TV or does everyone on the #Bachelor have huge hands?

“I have a hard time talking about serious things” – girl who thinks she’s ready for marriage #bachelor

It’s no fun with #Bachelor without my cousin. Bitter women who’ve been divorced twice just bring that extra zing to the proceedings!

Every Monday night when I go to bed I have nightmares where I’m chased by white teeth and giant tubes of body glitter. Thank you #Bachelor

Headlines Tomorrow: Tierra’s expecting Sean’s sparkle baby #Bachelor

Even Neil Lane doesn’t have a ring that compares to Tierra’s sparkle #bachelor

The #Bachelor makes me wish I still smoked weed.

Catherine’s eyebrows and Sean’s mom’s eyebrows are the most compatible #Bachelor

Lindsay shows the same amount of enthusiasm over everything. “OH MY GOD, I love Sean!” “OH MY GOD, we’re having corn dogs!” #bachelor

Is Lindsay drunk? Only drunk girls and pre-schoolers act like that. #Bachelor

Lindsay is like my knock-off shoes. They look good but you know inside it’s all sawdust and water-paste. #Bachelor come on!

Lindsay is a substitute teacher… something as necessary to the world as a bisexual #Bachelor

Does Sean realize if he picks Lindsey that means he is also picking Lindsey’s voice? #Bachelor #princessprobz

Oh Lindsay, in what world does baby talk get you anywhere?… oh yeah, this world. #Bachelor

Lindsey is a horny midget. #Bachelor

Wow Sean’s dad is asking some good questions. Can he be the next #Bachelor?

Get Sean’s dad his own talk show…stat. I feel he could lead me to living my best life. #Bachelor

Praying for your son’s marriage and then having him find his wife on the Bachelor must be crazy holy. #Bachelor #cleverbachelor

Now Sean’s mom is crying? Geez, what do they pay these people? If my mom was on #Bachelor she’d make the producers cry

Sean’s mom says, “it’s not like you have to propose,” Sean’s contract begs to differ. #Bachelor

Sean’s mom needs to realize that when ABC gives you a $10,000 Neil Lane ring and says “Propose, monkey!”, you do it. #sixpacksean #bachelor

If a girl ever says she doesn’t know what she’d do if she lost you, run – that bitch is crazy! #sixpacksean #bachelor

Lindsay is sending up some stupid wish lantern. Chris Harrison does that every season… but still no talk show #bachelor

Geez more lanterns? If I had a joint for every lantern I’ve seen this season… well, I’d just be really stoned, that’s all #Bachelor

If you were sending up a wish lantern on the #Bachelor wouldn’t one of your wishes be to win? #AndAnSTDFreeLife

At least Lindsay didn’t give him a macrame photo of her dog. #AlwaysAnUpside #Bachelor

thery’re in a sack riding an elephant… there’s one for the grandkids. #Bachelor

“I’m excited for our future… and I smell like an elephant.” #Bachelor

Click Here for more of Tonight’s Top Tweets from The Bahcelor Sean Lowe’s Finale

2013 #AcademyAwards Red Carpet – Your Top Tweets #Oscars

“Viola Davis looks like a pile of whipped cream!  But Dole Whip.  She’s got a little tint to her, so she can’t just be Kool Whip”

“Channing Tatum and his wife are gonna have beautiful children.”
“Yeah but sometimes two positives make a negative so it could be a monkey baby.”

“Does anyone else think Amy Adams looks like she’s sick, angry or recently dumped?”

“Oooh.  Old ladies should NOT put their hands in the E! Mani Cam” #ERedCarpet

“Why did Charlize cut her hair like that? The dress is amazing, but she looks like Brigitte Nielsen.”

“When I look at Amanda Seyfried, I think she’d be a freak in the sack.” #Oscars

Gary: “What does Jennifer Hudson mean when she says, ‘Keep your lips in your purse’?”
Jodi: “She means her lipstick.”
Gary: “Why doesn’t she just say lipstick?”
Jodi: “‘Cuz she’s bitchin'”

Ryan Seacrest just errantly dissed Catherine Zeta Jones when she asked if he wanted her to to the E! Mani Cam. #ERedCarpet

Click through to read more of the 2013 Academy Award Red Carpet Tweets

The #Bachelor Sean Lowe Recap – January 28, 2013 (ABC) – Your Top Tweets

Time to watch some thirsty hoes! #bachelorlor

So how about a gameshow, but instead of money, the prize is a rose and a rocky six week relationship? – #Bachelor pitch meeting

“I hate drama” – things people who LOVE drama say #Bachelor

I hate Tierra #Bachelor

“I hope Tierra wins the bachelor!” Said no one ever. #bachelor #sorryimnotsorry

Tierra has her eyes on the prize. She is here to win. #bachelor #golddigger

#Bachelor oh Tierra- I’m looking forward to your upcoming drama lol

“The #Bachelor – giving false dating hope to guys with RVs since 2002.”

#Bachelor Sean is in his underwear

So far this episode of #Bachelor is going well #ShirtlessSean #PantlessSean

Just because Sean takes his shirt off, it doesn’t make him any less boring. #BoringSean #Bachelor

Dear ladies who say, “girls don’t like me.” Repeat after me, “it’s because you’re a bitch.” I would know. #Bachelor

Oh c’mon, Selma is not 110 lbs. One boob is probably 60 lbs. #Bachelor

I thought I liked Selma. But now – not so sure. She’s not just a pretty face but she’s immediately bragging about her 110 pounds? #Bachelor

Not a big fan of Selma, but not cuz she’s born in Iraq… #bachelor

That girl’s an 8head. Two times bigger than a forehead. #Bachelor

Selma was born in Baghdad, Iraq. A city not much different than Bagdad, Florida. #Bachelor

Why does someone from Iraq pronounce it the same way Sarah Palin does?? #Bachelor #eyeRACK

If you’re gonna take the iraqi girl the desert, you might as well keep it real and launch a drone strike. #Bachelor

Never take me on a sweaty date #Bachelor

I gotta be honest. This date is boring and I’m just staring at Selma’s titties the whole time. #Bachelor

Selma claims she can’t kiss Sean bc her mom will be upset. I think it’s bc she watched Emily’s season and knows what she’s in for. #BachelorTONGUE

Wait, so someone who’s NOT ALLOWED TO KISS is on a TV show where you compete for a fake husband? #Bachelor #Selma

Click through for the rest of tonight’s Bachelor Sean Lowe – Your Top Tweets

“Stars in Danger: The High Dive” (FOX) – Your Top Tweets #StarsInDanger

Some network exec lost at a poker game and as a result we get #StarsInDanger.

Is #StarsInDanger like “Best in Show?” This can’t be for realz. Is Fred Willard gonna pop out?

#starsindanger This is a real show? Unemployed ‘stars’ doing belly flops?”

#starsindanger could very well be the #jarjarbinks of #realitytv

#StarsInDanger Jumping off of a 5ft. diving board? Not Impressed. Reciting their IMDB catolog while being #SetOnFire? Slightly impressed.

If JWoww hits the pool at just the right angle, she will emerge from the water with her old face #StarsInDanger

Commentator: “When JWow, makes her mind up there’s no stopping her.”  JWow: “I’m not going to dive.” #StarsInDanger

JWow: “I can’t perform tonight.” Perform?  It’s diving.  You stand on the end and fall in, and you can’t even do that?  #StarsinDanger

People are congratulating JWoww on twitter… for not doing anything on #StarsInDanger

We gotta brutha and a girl with one arm in a synchronized diving competition. Only in America. #StarsInDager

I don’t understand this #starsindanger show. This is danger? Do Highway Frogger, then we’ll talk.

#starsindanger The only thing that would make this better is if honey boo boo was tossed off the top

Waiting to see the show “Child Stars In Danger” where Casey Anthony babysits them for a weekend. #starsindanger

Click through for more of your Top Tweets from “Stars in Danger: The High Dive”

The #Bachelor Sean Lowe Recap – January 7, 2013 (ABC)

I was planning to eat a great big homemade pizza tonight to celebrate the premiere of Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor. Then I saw the Texas Toehead in the first few minutes of the show with his shirt off doing some arm curls… and then some sprints, and then just kinda standing there and letting the noonday sun shine down on his sinewy torso.  Now I’m off human food entirely. I’ll be maintaining a strict diet of Ex-Lax and enriched Petco cat grass until I see my own abs, or my own death.. whichever comes first.
It’s kinda messed up for ABC to be parading Sean’s studly physique across our television sets this soon after Christmas, don’t you think? No less than three weeks ago, I had about an inch of fruitcake under each of my fingernails and was fishing surprise gingerbread crumbs out of the folds in my pants.  Michael kept asking me why I was wearing my super stretchy bedtime shorts around the house everyday and I casually replied, “Oh, I’m just being lazy,” when in fact they were the only thing I owned I could get around my waist that wouldn’t cut off the circulation to my brain.

If ABC had decided to go with me as the new Bachelor instead of Sean, I definitely would have gotten my shit together before the start of the year.  I’m talking twenty push-ups every morning and no skipping the gym to sit on the couch and watch thirteen hours of the Match Game marathon on Game Show Network.  But the network didn’t go with me, they went with Sean.  Even though we’re really not that different. Sure, he wants a house filled with a loving family, and I want a prize wheel for my dining room table.  He’s willing to put his life on hold to find the woman of his dreams, and I spent half my weekend scouring E-bay for one of those sleeping caps like the kind Fred Mertz wears with the giant fuzzy ball on the top.  And I also suppose Sean doesn’t go to bed at night wearing something he calls “super stretchy bedtime shorts.”  But other than those specifics, he and I are practically mirror images.

Because drama or no drama, The Bachelor has to fill two hours of television time each week, we’re often subjected to a variety of “filler techniques” before we get to the drunken debauchery we’re all actually tuning in to see.  And by far the worst of these devices is when the show trots out another cast-off from a previous season to provide counsel to our current love-seeker.  So Sean sat down with Arie, the guy who outlasted him by just one elimination ceremony on Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette.  Arie gave our Texas Toehead tips on how to say, “Will you accept this rose?” but I’m guessing Arie’s had more experience saying things like, “I’m sticking with this haircut!” and “Well it’s two am and I just live around the corner… so what do you say?” 

Arie is a decent enough looking guy, but he’s definitely not in Sean’s league.  He also always seemed terribly under-confident and unskilled when he kissed Emily on camera, furthering the rumor that he isn’t a man but actually a sex robot still in Beta phase.  Nevertheless he killed eight minutes, during which I re-considered and went ahead and made that pizza, so I suppose Sean and I should both thank Arie for tonight’s appearance.

Now let’s turn our attention to the ladies. What would The Bachelor be without them?   Well, it’d be Arie and Sean sitting around on patio furniture, drinking beer and debating how much tongue is too much tongue. So I guess we need them.

First up is AshLee F., the professional organizer.  When she’s not looking for true love, she’s coming to your house to pour all your open bottles of shampoo into one great big bottle, then putting the six cd’s you still own into alphabetical order.  She’ll also place all the printer paper with three holes into its own stack, and then put the baking soda on one end of your fridge and the baking powder on the other.   She looks forward to settling down and making sure her husband never accidentally pops an antacid that has gone past its date of suggested use.  Line forms here, gentlemen.

Next up is Jackie the cosmetics consultant. She wants to place “her mark” on Sean so she puts on lipstick and presses her lips against his cheek.  I’m curious… is the process of putting on lipstick always this clumsy looking?  It was difficult to watch. If Jackie had eaten the lipstick when she was done and then pulled a little hat off her head and offered it to Sean so he could put in a nickel, I would not have blinked.

It’s Kelly the Cruise Ship Entertainer! She’s in that show you go and watch on the final night of your trip because limbo and “hairy chest” contests have finally lost all their glamor.

If you’re Robyn and you try to perform a series of backflips over to the nearest hot guy, but you land on your head wrong and the dress you’re wearing flies down around your waist, it’s considered wacky and brave.  When I do it, I get kicked out of altar boys.

Amanda is a Fit Model.  Not a Fitness Model.  There’s a difference. (Shut up! There is!)

Lacey is a Graduate Student, and she tells Sean a lot of people like to call her “Lace.” We won’t hold our breath for that dissertation.

A JumboTron Operator?? Hello Paige! She tells Sean she was on Bachelor Pad 3, but no one remembers her.  If only the world could come up with a device that had a way of really burning things into our brains so it would be super hard for us to forget them.

Continue reading “The #Bachelor Sean Lowe Recap – January 7, 2013 (ABC)” »

London 2012 Summer Olympics: Opening Ceremonies – Your Top Tweets

I forgot to get dessert for the #OpeningCeremonies. Luckily, I have peanut butter and baker’s chocolate. Let the games begin, fuckers!

“Yo London, Imma let you finish, but Beijing had the best #openingceremonies of all time.”

#OpeningCeremonies  Would anyone notice if they added a fake country to the parade… like Newfartandstand?

god I hate the way British people talk #OpeningCeremonies

Needs more Monty Python #openingceremonies

There has been an underwhelming number of Spice Girls appearances thus far. #London2012 #OpeningCeremonies #WhatIReallyReallyWant

Princess Di hologram for the #OpeningCeremonies at the #olympics. I’m calling it.

help us, Hologram John Lennon and Hologram George Harrison. you’re our only hope. #OpeningCeremonies

“there’s the queen cheering wildly.” I’m pretty sure that’s not what we’re seeing

And by “there’s the queen, cheering wildly,” they mean “and there’s the queen, standing quietly and calmly.” #openingceremonies #London2012

“Here’s the Queen, cheering wildly for Great Britain.” Sure, let’s go with that. #OpeningCeremonies

The Queen looked utterly bored! Haha! My bf says she’s thinking “It’s past my bedtime & I missed Golden Girls! Dammit!” #openingceremonies

Continue reading “London 2012 Summer Olympics: Opening Ceremonies – Your Top Tweets” »

The Bachelorette Recap: July 9, 2012 – Your Top Tweets – #Bachelorette

Watching average men swing for the fences. #Bachelorette

I hope my daughter grows up & finds love on the #Bachelorette… said no one ever.

Derp #1… Derp #2 or Derp #3 #bachelorette

Emily cries like a kitten with asthma. #kindofadorable #Bachelorette

Does anyone else think Emily is distracted by her own reflection in Sean’s forehead? #Bachelorette

#bachelorette – #sean is not a successfull hashtag, I’m nearly certain of it

Let’s all take a moment to be grateful that our moms didn’t shack up with multiple men on TV. #Bachelorette

#bachelorette Hasn’t emily noticed that Jef is the size of a Snickers bar yet?

Jef fits conveniently in most front shirt pockets #bachelorette

I have a block of cheese taller than #jef – #bachelorette

#bachelorette Jef is so teeny his nipples can almost kiss

Continue reading “The Bachelorette Recap: July 9, 2012 – Your Top Tweets – #Bachelorette” »

The Bachelorette Recap: July 2, 2012 – Your Top Tweets – #Bachelorette #Hometowns

I seriously cant believe Emily has narrowed it down to these 4 turds #Bachelorette

Sadly for time we had to cut out Emily’s visit to Chris Harrison’s hometown #Bachelorette

Like we can’t SEE that it’s the FINAL ROSE….when will they cut that out. #bachelorette

I get it now – Jef is teeny, thus the big hair. He thinks it makes him taller. #bachelorette

#bachelorette hurry up and pick one already!

Emily isn’t comfortable with her veneers or lip injections. It’s distracting. #Bachelorette

Emily looks so pretty in high definition that it actually pisses me off. #bachelorette

I hate making fun of their family members on #Bachelorette. I mean, I’ll still do it, but I feel a little bad about it.

Here comes the crazy train! #bachelorette

“Bobblehead” Chris needs to drop this smiley facade and stick to what works… death threats and crocodile tears. #bachelorette

Chris: apologetic and underwhelming since 1985. #bachelorette

You make me feel good. Like, crazy good. Like, restraining order good. #chrisbachelor #Bachelorette

Chris keeps mentioning he’s Polish. And innapropriate jokes just keep writing themselves. #Bachelorette

Do you think he’s named his privates the Polish Sausage? I’m not drinking, no excuse.

Chris looks like Gonzo from the Muppets.  #bachelorette

Is Chris’ Dad Wolfgang Puck? #liveonkomo #bachelorette

I think Chris’ dad is my cab driver. #bachelorette

Chris’s pops needs to unbutton one more button on his man-blouse and start putting out the vibe. #rickismom #bachelorette

Emily asking Chris’s dad if he was ready to be a dad for Ricky was awkward but John’s rambling answer was worse. #Bachelorette

chris’ sister is cute, i’d rather emily marry her #bachelorette

I know if I’m on the fence about a guy, a costumed Polish dance party pushes it right over the edge. #IntoCrazyTown #Bachelorette

Continue reading “The Bachelorette Recap: July 2, 2012 – Your Top Tweets – #Bachelorette #Hometowns” »

The Bachelorette Recap: June 25, 2012 – Your Top Tweets – #Bachelorette

Emily has 6 guys that want to marry her and the guy at the Taco Bell won’t even talk to me #bachelorette

I always have concerns about a group date turning into a gang bang. #Bachelorette

Will someone PLEASE take the hair gel away from these guys? #bachelorette #please #socrunchy

Why does Chris always look like he just smelled a dirty diaper? #bachelorette

If emily marries Chris, her head may go on the honeymoon, but the rest will never be found #bachelorette

Chris has velvet clown paintings in his house.. you know he does #bachelorette

Chris has to talk all the time because if he shuts up you can hear the subtle sound of ticking…. #bachelorette

Chris is the kinda guy that sets up fake Facebook profiles and then friends himself #bachelorette

Arie’s blazer is offensive,Emily’s shorts are also. #WorstDressed But, it’s cute that Emily is trying to prove she can read. #Bachelorette

Only on the #Bachelorette would a producer have the name “Cassie Lambert.”

Obviously they spend all the makeup and hair money on Emily, because that producer looks rough. #rickismom #bachelorette

This conversation about truth on the #bachelorette is just like all relationships. The dude has no idea what the girl is talking about.

#bachelorette hahahahahahaha this episode is so awkward

Oh Emily, shut up and worry about your roots #Bachelorette

Emily needs to have her roots done. I’m sure there’s a colorist in Prague. #bachelorette

@TvFoodAndDrink with all the botox keep up she does you’d think she’d keep her roots up too. #thebachelorette

“Are you trustworthy?” Oh, sweetheart – you’re on the #bachelorette – it seems a little late to be pondering that.

She will go west virginia, hood rat- back woods on your ass if you don’t tell the truth, Arie #bachelorette

Continue reading “The Bachelorette Recap: June 25, 2012 – Your Top Tweets – #Bachelorette” »

The Choice (FOX) – June 21, 2012: Your Top Tweets – #TheChoice

I just accidentally watched #ThChoice on FOX…excuse me while I go eat batteries.

Watching #TheChoice and trying to figure out how to get my chair to turn around away from the television

What I would say if I were on #TheChoice: “I’m ugly, obese, and I hate men.”

The situation looks like popeye. #NW #TheChoice


Gotta be fair to the situation. He’s got a type, even when he can’t see them. #thechoice.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but the Situation got three girls to pick him first. #noreally #thechoice

Did Rocco just offer the girl “a bag of icing”??? #TheChoice

Women will do anything to get on tv… even claim that they’d date Taylor Hicks

Women are stoopid… #TheChoice and #MagicMike prove it… and John  Mayer

#thechoice hilariously terrible. Brief your celebs on the rules. Oh and don’t kill the hostess.

#thechoice briefing your celebs to not pay attention to the rules is the only way this show will survive

#TheChoice reminds of that scene in Taken where the men were bidding on prostitutes #SMH

Click Through for the Rest of Tonight’s Top Tweets from “The Choice”