The Voice blind auditions start… now! First up for Season Four… it’s the Morgan Twins… Cara and Rhian!
Guess What?: They dress alike, they talk alike. Though it turns out, a hot dog does NOT make them lose control.
Guess What Else?: Sometimes they say the same things at the exact same time. When this occurred, host Carson Daly remarked, wide-eyed, “That is so crazy how that happened!” Has this guy never seen any set of twins when they appear on television together? This is the #1 parlor trick of all twins trying to come off as amazing when there’s a camera pointed their way. People across America all took a shot when it happened. Yet Carson is still trying to get his mouth closed again.
Song Choice: “Fallin'”
Results: All four chairs turned around. Usher looked around and then helpfully held up his hand, “That’s four!” like that purple Romanian mobster puppet from Sesame Street.
Finally: Identical twin singers… big deal. Call me when The Voice books twins conjoined at the head, and one of them performs “Pumped Up Kicks” while the other sings “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” Then I’ll bother to update my DVR. By the way, while trying to decide which coach they’d go with, the twins whispered back and forth to each other and giggled. Don’t they even have twin telepathy? These twins suck. They chose Blake.
And yes, in case you happen to remember them, the Morgan Twins also auditioned for American Idol back in the Paula Abdul days. And they sang the same song. See the video below while you can before NBC has it yanked. Blind Audition #2: Jess Kellner, a hair stylist from Texas. She loves doing hair but her main passion is music.
Guess What?: Her mom was an alcoholic. How does this figure in? It doesn’t, but Jess really loves her new stepmom, almost as much as she loves making music, but not as much as she loves making corn rows
Song Choice: “Can’t Help Falling in Love”
Results: Chair-turns from Shakira and Usher. She chose Usher
And Finally: Because this is an 8pm show, it’s important to note that Jess’s mom is sober now, and I’m sure she’s thrilled her daughter used a painful and embarrassing fact of her personal life on national television…. and then didn’t even invite her to come along to the auditions.
Blind Audition #3: Mark Andrew, a roofer from Minnesota. He announces that roofing is not something he’d like to do with the rest of his life. Nationwide, eyeballs fall out of their sockets.
Song choice: “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”
Results: Adam turned his chair. Shakira turned her chair. Usher looked bored and Blake did the already played out “Will I or Won’t I?” button hover. Take another shot, America.
Blind Audition #4: Janetza Miranda, the peppy Puerto Rican from Newark, New Jersey. Looks like Rico’s wife from Six Feet Under.
Guess what?: She’s proud of her Puerta Rican heritage. Doesn’t seem to have much to say about Newark however.
Little Known Fact: Her family all does bird calls! But not those sweet tweety bird kinds. Instead, they do those wild, ear-splitting screechy birds like the kind you see circling the sky in movies where men die trying to cross the desert.
Song Choice: “Titanium”
Performance: Big voice. Her family was going nuts backstage. But midway through, no chairs have turned. Shakira does “the button hover” – drop acid, America.
Results: Zero coaches. Adam runs to hug her. Because unlike American Idol, there are no losers on The Voice, just singers you never hear from again who have to go back and live in New Jersey.
Blake says Janetza deserves to be in the competition, which is the first thing on Janetza’s “Things I Don’t Want to Hear When I’ve Just Been Told I’m Not Going to be in the Competition, but Thanks Anyway for Not Turning Around, Blake Shelton” List.
Usher gave the, “This is just the beginning for you!” speech. Roll an eye, America.
Blind Audition #5: Danielle Bradbury, 16 from Cypress, Texas
Teased In Her Youth For: Having crooked teeth. That’s the best she could do? Crooked teeth? I have an inordinate among of hair on my toe knuckles and I don’t tan. Where’s my teen moment of triumph?
Song Choice: “Mean”
Results: Blake, Adam and Usher turned their chairs. Shakira laid out. There’s a lot of Nashville fiddle in this song, and the girl’s from Texas… so guess who she picked to go with? They actually went to a commercial break before we found out her decision because we were supposed to be on pins and needles waiting to find out. I am clearly not the target ago demographic for this television show.
May I Say: I thought Janetza Miranda’s voice was far more compelling. Am I alone here? Also, Usher thinks Nashville is a state.