The Kitchen is Broken! The Top 10 Tv Food and Drink for 2012

Tv Food and Drink’s Central Nervous System has gone into the shop for graphics card repairs. We should be back at full power in time for the 1/23/12 episode of The Bachelor. Until then, please feel free to wander down memory lane with my top 10 articles of 2012 (so far), including Bachelor, Celebrity Apprentice, Dancing with the Stars, cookies, arsonists, hot dogs, pizza and Sarah Michelle Gellar’s visit to Alcoholics Anonymous!

1.) Bachelor 16-1 Recap: Winemaker Ben “Sloppylocks” Flajnik Seeks SWF to Help Squeeze His Grapes

2.) Nacho Dogs

3.) Celebrity Apprentice: Are you becoming more and more curious to see what Lil John looks like without those stupid glasses?

Ringer Sarah Michelle Gellar The CW4.) Watching: Ringer: Pilot (The CW)

5.) Five Things I Learned From the Hollywood Arsonist OR “Cornmeal Thyme Cookies”

6.) Tv Food and Drink: Podcast #1 Featuring Sammy Davis Jr, Ann-Margret and Frank Sinatra

7.) Chipotle Chicken and Apple Pizza

Nancy Grace Nipple Slip Wardrobe Malfunction Dancing with the Stars8.) Dancing with the Stars: Nancy Grace Nipple Slip Twitter-Cap

9.) The Bachelor 15-5: Brad Womack and the Two We Know Are Gonna Be in the Finals

10.) Portobello Buffalo Burgers

Ringer: “It’s Gonna Kill Me, But I’ll Do It” (The CW)

Ringer The Cw Sarah Michelle Gellar Bridget SiobhanFive Things the Characters on “Ringer” and The CW Need to Remember if They Want Us To Keep Watching

Episode 1-04 / Originally Aired 10/4/11

We know that even with the smartest of television shows, it’s only a matter of time before at least one story line is completely bungled.  We’ve all witnessed it.  Characters get written into a box that the writers can’t get them out of and suddenly….Boom! AMNESIA! Or maybe … Boom! FIVE YEARS LATER!  Or God forbid… Atomic Boom!  IT WAS ALL A DREAM!

Writers are only human, after all.  And who hasn’t hit a creative wall at least once in their life while a deadline loomed?  And often times, a show really can pick up the pieces from a mess of a plotline and regain its former glory.

But when a fumble like that happens only four episodes in to the run of a series, you’ve really got to question whether the people involved had any idea what they were gonna do if their show went past the pilot episode.

I’m still rooting for you, Ringer.  I’ve been watching you since Day One.  I like my night time soaps mixed with a little corporate shenanigans and foreign intrigue, and you seem to have all the elements necessary to become water cooler conversation.

And yet… I faintly remember reading a film review by Roger Ebert, where he said something along the lines of: “In order for me to believe the story, at minimum the characters on screen must be at least as smart as the stupidest real person I’ve ever met.”

So it’s with great hopefulness that I present the five major storytelling rules broken on last night’s episode.  And out of kindness to the stupidest real people I’ve ever met, I’ll lay blame squarely at the feet of the fictional characters in the show.

Ringer The CW Sarah Michelle Gellar Kristoffer Polaha HenryRule #1: Never discuss your biggest secret with the door behind you wide open.

Even maniacal super-villains who reveal their detailed evil plans for world domination to James Bond right before they completely fail at killing him and allow him to escape and return to foil their plans — even THEY would have the sense to at least close the door behind them before discussing the fact that they impregnated another woman while their own wife is around to possibly overhear.

Yet, here we have Henry, so frustratingly stupid at keeping his affair with Siobhan a secret even the producers of Cheaters wouldn’t know what to do with him.

Yep, Henry babbled his undying devotion to Bridget-as-Siobhan (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and then insisted that he was the father of her unborn baby, and neither one of them had enough sense to hold up the “hang on a sec” finger and tippy-toe over to close the door, the way real people do when discussing the truth about Santa or what they’re dressing up as for Halloween.

Ringer The CS Sarah Michelle Gellar Tara Summers GemmaAnd sure enough, that was Henry’s wife Gemma hanging out on the other side of the door, soaking up the complete, heartbreaking story. What did Henry and Siobahn expect?  When fifty percent of the dinner party suddenly goes missing, odds are unless there’s a deck of UNO cards around, the other fifty percent are gonna get up and go look for them.

Continue reading “Ringer: “It’s Gonna Kill Me, But I’ll Do It” (The CW)” »

Ringer: “If You Ever Want a French Lesson” (The CW)

Ringer Sarah Michelle Gellar The CW

Bridget ignores the “Gilligan Rule,” Siobhan locks lips with Knight Rider, and we meet “Mr. Constipation.”

Episode 1-03 / Originally Aired 9/27/11

“It’s not easy being the more successful twin,” my identical brother Dax sighed into the phone while packing for Shanghai. “The expectations are enormous! If I don’t have a new gadget in the kitchen to point out to mom and dad every time they come over, I can literally see the worry forming on their faces. It’s like… what’s he doing with himself? There’s three open shelves and last time there were only two.  Has he lost sight of his potential?'”

I was only half-listening. I was in the middle of trying to fish out my favorite South Park magnet from underneath the fridge using a grabby thing I’d made out of a wire coat hanger thanks to a video I saw on

“It’s murder!” he continued.  “All this material accumulation becomes a prison after a while. I hope you don’t hate hearing this, but there are people in this world who just have too much going for them.”

Dax is fond of saying, “I hope you don’t hate hearing this,” just before informing me of some painful nugget of knowledge he thinks I’m not aware of yet, like that I apparently swing a bat like a Park Avenue wedding planner, or that when I sing it triggers the mating urge in donkeys.

I know that there are many out there who dream about having a twin and fantasize over all the fun that comes with it… inventing secret languages, playing pranks on teacher, the unique opportunities in the world of on-line porn. But it’s far more work than those people imagine, especially when you feel like your twin is a David Beckham smile and you’re a set of plastic Halloween hillbilly teeth.

It’s been my personal experience that the grass has always been greener on the other side of the amniotic sac.

Continue reading “Ringer: “If You Ever Want a French Lesson” (The CW)” »

Ringer: “She’s Ruining Everything” (The CW)

Ringer The CW Sarah Michelle Gellar
Ringer The CW Sarah Michelle Gellar body in trunk

Sarah Michelle Gellar Proves It’s Not a Party Without a Dead Hit Man in the Trunk

Episode 1-02 / Originally Aired 9/20/11

Throwing a stupendous Titanic-themed party for hundreds of uptown New Yorkers fresh from their latest round of divorce hearings and nanny beating is hard enough. But having to throw said socialite shindig while simultaneously concealing the body of the mystery assassin you recently killed and stuffed into an antique steamer trunk after he mistook you for your identical twin sister and tried to murder you in your unfinished Manhattan loft is definitely a task that’s going to require an extra can of Red Bull, maybe even a B-12 shot.

And yet, Sarah Michelle Gellar, playing the character of Bridget who in turn is newly-playing the role of her supposedly deceased sister and party hostess, Siobhan, managed not only to keep the goofy corpse from popping up like an animatronic spook from The Haunted Mansion, but she also made sure that the Brie was room temperature and there was plenty of peanut oil for the Oriental Tartlets, all without ever once mussing her super-chic Madonna clip-on ponytail.

Had Sarah Jessica Parker seen every horrendous obstacle tossed into poor Sarah Michelle’s way (blood leaking out onto the floor, the corpse’s phone ringing during her husband’s welcome speech) she might have considered changing the name of her last movie from I Don’t Know How She Does It to That’s All You Did Today… and What, No Pie?

It certainly put my last party to shame. But that might have been my fault. I didn’t spell-check my E-vite so instead of it saying “Pool Party,” it accidentally went out as “Poof Party” and everyone showed up dressed as Quentin Crisp. I tried to make lemons into lemonade by asking my guests if they knew any jokes appropriate to the occasion. Turns out there’s only one: “Why did Quentin Crisp cross the road? Because he wished to pen a more elegant foreward to The Naked Civil Servant.”
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Watching: Ringer: Pilot (The CW)

Ringer Sarah Michelle Gellar The CW

Sarah Michelle Gellar Considers the Upside of a Dead Twin

Episode 1-01 / Originally Aired 9/13/11

Assuming the identity of my dead twin is something I’ve been wanting to cross off my list of “10 Things to Make Myself More Interesting at Parties” for years now, along with winning the Olympics, getting kidnapped, and mastering close-up hand magic.

So far my twin brother, Dax, has been unwilling to cooperate by dying on his own, though his is definitely a life I would actively kill for. While Dax won the “Existence Jackpot,” I won the consolation Lee Press-On Nails and five-piece tea service. Strapping and masculine, Dax falls ass-backwards into money and flashes credit cards with colors I didn’t even know existed. The bathroom faucet never inadvertently sprays the front of his pants right before an important meeting. His business card is the one always picked out of the jar. His career as a successful hand-model allows him nine months of the year off, during which he helps build houses for Jimmy Carter.

Forget what you hear on Dr. Oz, everyone knows there’s always a “more successful twin.”

Continue reading “Watching: Ringer: Pilot (The CW)” »