Well, we should all thank Bachelorette Desiree for playing down the “I was so poor” card this week and leaving the sob stories to the men. And the guys certainly did not disappoint with the misery, did they? Between drug-addicted parents, chronic illnesses, car accidents, and multiple head stitches, they made last night’s Game of Thrones seem like a Suri Cruise pony party. But I’ve collected myself and if you can be brave, I can be brave. So let’s all hold hands and proceed with tonight’s recap.
Date #1 this week goes to Brooks, the Marketing Consultant with the “1990s Disney prince hair” and the “I fucked your sister” smile.
Desiree wants to share her passion for designing wedding dresses, so she takes Brooks to a bridal salon and makes him wear a Little Lord Fauntleroy tie, reason number 3 on Cosmo’s “Why You Can’t Get a Second Date” List, just under “You kept quoting Michelle Tanner from Full House” and “Your vagina is located on the underside of your foot.”
I don’t know. Do Brooks and Desiree look like a match made in heaven to you? They look more like the scumbag couple from that crappy sitcom Whitney to me.
Next, they go to for a picnic on top the Hollywood sign. Hey, that’s less than a mile from where I live! In fact, you can see it from Michael’s living room window. Actually, there are some cheap apartment buildings and a billboard for the Spanish edition of The Voice blocking part of it, so you can only see “…Ollywoo…” But it’s still glamorous. Desiree tells Brooks that when she first saw the Hollywood sign, she was inspired to pursue her dreams. I guess people who move here from someplace else think like that about the Hollywood sign. Locals just wait to hear about the next time authorities find a bowling bag stuffed with human heads buried under the “Y.”
After the picnic, Desiree pretends to get lost and drives into what Brooks calls a “shady area of Hollywood” also known as “all of Hollywood.” Surprise! Desiree was faking Brooks out. They’re actually going to have a romantic dinner date on top of a closed-off bridge. It’s almost as romantic as cuddling under the giant neon sign out front Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
During dinner on the bridge, Brooks reveals that he has a hard time talking about himself. Get it? Just like a scary L.A. bridge, Brooks is “closed off.” Next they try to decide which there are more of in the world: cats named “Desiree” or Craigslist killers named “Brooks.”
After coughing up some hazy daddy issues I wasn’t quite sure I believed, Desiree rewarded Brooks with the first rose of the night. Off to the side, the Bloods and the Crips applauded and wiped away tears, until a car unexpectedly backfired and everybody ran.
On the Group Date this week were Dan, Juan Pablo, Zach K, Will, Brian, Dimpled Drew, James, Mikey T., Zak, Nick, Michael, Brandon and Ben. The boys performed their own rap video, each dressed in one of the traditional national costumes of Denmark.
Click here for the rest of tonight’s Desiree Hartsock Bachelorette Recap