Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 30, 2012

It’s “Classical Week” on Dancing with the Stars. And that means three things…

1.) A great big, impressive string section that makes you wish you could go back in time and take those musical instrument lessons your mother insisted you’d really thank her for one day.

2.) An inordinate amount of bare chests on the men, because if left on your own, ABC is afraid you’d equate “Classical Week” with portly fops in powdered wigs applauding ever-so-politely at the virtuous daughter of the town squire as she performs on the clavichord only days before she comes down with dysentery.

3.) Special appearances from a variety of elegant and world-renowned musical talents like Joshua Bell, Jackie Evancho, Vittorio Grigolo, and other people I only ever see when they appear on Dancing with the Stars, America’s Got Talent or the ninety-second commercials for their cd’s that air at three in the morning or right around Christmas time.

Yes, it’s true, I’m probably not the classiest guy you’ll ever meet, but as Mark Ballas put it so eloquently tonight, “You can’t spell ‘Classical’ without ‘ass.’”

…and I’m definitely one of those.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Rumba – Mark and Katherine kicked off the night the way all 8pm network programs should: with a rousing Caligula-inspired seduction fest. Mark took off his shirt and achingly gyrated his upper body the way a worm with an S&M fetish might after getting pierced by the hook.  I followed my primary Catholic instinct and immediately changed the channel.  Then I followed my secondary Cathlolic instinct and changed it right back, turned down the volume, pulled my chair right up next to the tv, and promised myself anything that happened from that point forward would go with me to the grave.

Mark and Katherine’s lusty start to the evening reminded me of two very important things: As a team they have no equal this season, and never watch Game of Thrones with your parents in the rom.

You can check out their performance after the jump:

Watch Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkin’s Sexy Rumba Here

Dancing with the Stars: April 30, 2012 – Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas Perform the Rumba (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

Despite a Mark Ballas shirtless wearing only a cape above the waist, he and his partner Katherine Jenkins received kudos from the judges for not taking their Dancing with the Stars Classical Week rumba down the road of raunch. Click through to watch the dance.

Watch Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins perform the Rumba from Dancing with the Stars Classical Week

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 23, 2012

If one of my siblings or my mother or father becomes famous and gets to be on Dancing with the Stars before I do, that’s pretty much gonna be it for my relationship with them.

I’m not kidding. I’ll cut that family fucker right out of my life.

I don’t even care that they’d be able to get me some good seats to watch Derek Hough shirtless… and I’m talking “Florence Henderson” good… right up in the front!  Not those chintzy, upper rafter seats where you can find the cousins of all the lighting guys and Season Four’s John Ratzenberger desperately waving at the camera like they’re flagging in a distressed plane for an emergency landing.

In the race for fame, I’m pretty sure everyone else in my family is ahead of me. After all, they’ve all got that one “thing” they can point to… that characteristic or quality that defines them for the rest of the world… professional success, moneymaker, joker, disciplinarian, athlete, compulsive liar, drug dealer…

Just like all the celebrities on Dancing with the Stars, everybody in my famiy fits nicely into an easily definable and readily understood personality cubby hole.

Everyone except me.

I’m still sort of waiting for my defining quality… those select two or three phrases that will sit just below my name in a slightly smaller font when I’m introduced in my Dancing with the Stars rehearsal tape package, and later, on the door of my crypt.

I really don’t want my graphic to read: “Gary Green. Makes Great Pizza. Still Holding on to a 32-inch waist. Once met Gilligan.”  Those bullet points won’t even get me to Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.

So, I’m still waiting for that “thing.”  You know… that personality kernel that suddenly pops up big in your life when you least expect it and thrusts you down that path of ease and adulation you’re certain you were always meant to have.

Until then, please enjoy my recap of tonight’s Dancing with the Stars Motown special.  I promise not to skim on the snark and the sarcasm.  Because really, it’s all I’ve got.

That and the Limited Time GetGlue sticker I got for checking in tonight.

Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus – Rhumba to “My Girl” - It was another slow, methodical, near-comatose performance from these two. Watching Gladys and Tristan dance is like watching toast cool.

But Gladys Knight is like the bailiff on Judge Judy… she’s so completely inoffensive and so peripheral to the current proceedings, you can try to not love her, but you’ll just feel like a tool for doing it.

And what was up with Tristan’s ill-chosen purple “pent-up schoolboy” ensemble complete with nerdy eyeglass and wrap strap?  He looked like a rejected Batman villain or the high school tattletale who color codes his homework and gets made fun of for being “too square” by the Archie gang.  I’m pretty sure the female viewers prefer their Tristan MacManus shirtless, and it could translate into a dangerous vote plunge for these two.

Len: “If I could judge purely with my heart, you’d be at the top of the leader board.”
Bruno: “It’s undeniable.  You have star quality.”
Carrie Ann: “I would pay so much money to see that dance again, but the truth is there were a lot of forgetful moments.”

SCORE:  21/30

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough –  Fox Trot to “Jimmy Mack”   - Poor Maria almost tripped on the stairs and fell out of sync with Derek.  She bobbed up, he bobbed down. She jazz-handed to the left, he did the “half sunrise.”  It was like a talent show scene out of Laverne and Shirley.

Once they caught back up with each other, there were some nice twirls, some nice extends, but nothing we haven’t seen countless times before.  Wonder Bread looks at these two and yawns.  You can see for yourself after the jump:

Check Here for video of Derek and Maria’s Motown Week Fox Trot

Dancing with the Stars: April 23, 2012 – Maria Menounos and Derek Hough Dance the Fox Trot (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

It’s “Motown Week” and the halfway point for this season’s Dancing with the Stars. Tonight, Derek Hough and Maria Menounos, ever the “Jan Brady” to “Marcia” Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins, took the floor with the fox trot accompanied by a live performance by Martha Reeves, who brought “Jimmy Mack,” one of her signature songs to the proceedings.

Toss all the “cheesiness” barbs you want at reality competition, the producers of Dancing with the Stars tend to get things as right as right can be. And tonight was no exception, allowing these legendary Motown performers some prime time real estate (The Temptations and Smokey Robinson are also performing tonight).

Unfortunately, the high praise could be carried over for Maria Menounos, who wobbled a bit and most likely won’t be seeing the top of the leader board this week.  And unfortunately for all involved, Derek kept the shirt on.

Performance below.

Watch Derek and Maria’s Fox Trot from “Dancing with the Stars” Motown Week here

NBC’s SMASH – Why is Ellis (Jaime Cepero) the Most Hated Character on Television?

In the span of less than twelve episodes, NBC’s Smash has made an accidental sensation out of a third-string character who pops up in less than four scenes a week, provides zero plot advancement, and is universally despised.

Forget which lucky actress will ultimately get to play Marilyn Monroe in Bombshell, the show-within-the-show. Forget whether Bombshell itself will ever even make it to Broadway.

Who cares?

Will cheating Debra Messing reconcile with her husband and succeed at bringing a lovely adopted baby into her righted household? Will Anjelica Huston get it on with the hot Irish bartender who may or may not be an outright criminal? Will the judgmental gay composer end up with the hot, gay Republican or the hot, gay, God-fearing chorus boy?

No one can be bothered.

The only thing fans, fair-weather friends, and even haters of Smash really want to know is when the character of Ellis, the creepy, bow-tie wearing, crap-weasel assistant who regularly eavesdrops behind doors, sneaks off with confidential materials, and makes idle threats he’s never able to follow through on, is going to disappear from the show entirely.

Pity and envy actor Jaime Cepero.  Everyone else on the show gets to play fun, over-the-top Broadway types that at their cores have a shred of relatability – overlooked chorus girl with pipes of gold, hot-headed British theatre director who’s doing it all for the craft, delicate ingénue looking to make it big while holding on to her integrity.

Meanwhile, everyone hates poor little Ellis, and not in that “love to hate” way either. They don’t secretly want to see what he’s going to do next.  They don’t want to live vicariously through him.  They don’t want to fantasize about indulging in his loathsome behavior.

They just want to see a piano drop on his head.

Everyone Hates Ellis on SMASH – read more about it

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 16, 2012

It’s Latin Week on Dancing with the Stars, and tonight’s episode showcased all of the following:

“Jaleel White’s chest”
“Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s chest”
“Derek Hough Shirtless”
“Mark Ballas jock strap”
“William Levy tuxedo”
“Gavin Degraw sexy hat”
“Donald Driver hot arms”

If you think I’m merely listing these things to increase my visibility in keyword searches and optimize my Search Engine Optimization to maximize the amount of traffic this entry will receive, you have a very suspicious mind.

(“Lindsay Lohan arrested” “Pippa Middleton topless photo” “Who got kicked off The Voice” “fun cookie recipes for kids” “Is Ryan Seacrest gay?”)

On with the recap!

Jaleel White and Kym Johnson – Samba - Jaleel and Kym have been in a downward trend since the first week of competition.  And when you’re sliding in your performance, everyone knows the only choice is to show some skin.  I know that when there were rumors of a staff cut at my last show, I ditched my regular khakis and sweater vest ensemble and started showing up for work in a purple sequined speedo, a paperboy cap and undersize glasses from my Mr. Potato Head kit.  Not only was I not let go, there’s going to be a thirty second video of me in the network’s new sexual harassment presentation.  Job security and fame.  I’m on my way to becoming a legend in this town!

Did anyone else know Jaleel had a body that ripped?  Check out those guns!  The costumes were tight, the lighting was seductive and the moves were hot.  That’s the way you make the world forget about Steve Urkel!

Len: “Your bum was going like you were chewing a toffee.”  (I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to use it tomorrow as much as I can at my sex-addicts support group).

Bruno: “That wiggle!  Have you got a Mini-Me inside operating it?”

Carrie Ann: “You came out with attack and fire.

SCORE   24/30 – a bounce back up from last week, and almost a guarantee to avoid elimination tomorrow night.

Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy – Salsa – This screen grab says everything I feel when I watch Melissa perform.  I don’t think she wants to be on this show.  In fact, I’m thinking she broke some law, and the judge gave her a choice: six weeks picking up trash off the 405, or Dancing with the Stars.

Melissa still seems like she isn’t quite able to keep up with the choreography, and there were a few moments where you could see her watching her feet as if she was baffled by what they were doing, like when your dog suddenly notices things on the television move.

Try as she may, it seems Melissa is forever having a tough time delivering on the musicality.  But Maks got a spray-tan and kept the shirt open, so I’m thinking we’ve still got at least one more week of the Hoofing Half Pint ahead of us.

The judges took time to talk about how good Melissa looked tonight.  On most shows, that’s a good sign.  On Dancing with the Stars, it’s the equivalent of being told your kid did an phenomenal job keeping that bar of soap tied to his head in the school’s production of Mister Hygiene Comes to Town.

Bruno: “This is a fast dance… you’ve got be ON IT!  Go with it… but control it.”
Carrie Ann: ” It just feels like your feet get out from under you.”
Len: “There were some excellent good parts, and there were some parts that were not quite so good.”

SCORE:    21/30 

Dancing with the Stars: April 16, 2012 – Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins’ Argentine Tango Scores a…. (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

It’s Latin Week tonight on Dancing with the Stars, and while you may think that gives Cuban heartthrob William Levy an advantage, it’s actually mezzo-soprano Katherine Jenkins quite literally getting the leg up with professional partner Mark Ballas. How did they do with their Argentine tango?

Watch Mark and Katherine’s Tango from Latin Week and see how they scored

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 9, 2012

Not even the thrills and danger of “Rock Week” on Dancing with the Stars is enough to overcome the head cold that is threatening to overtake me at the moment.  Do you know what happens to the insides of the human body when said body has had six giant cups of cayenne pepper tea with lemon in the span of one evening?  Let’s just say the cat slept in the other room.Sherri Shepherd and Val Chmerkovskiy – Tango - This week, Sherri made a critical error: she wiped out all exuberance and vivacity from her performance in exchange for a stoic, icy glare she held on to for the entire dance.  This is not what we expect from her. And as Sherri isn’t much when it comes to precision or fluidity, turning her back on sassiness, the biggest card in her deck, was a major mistake.  I think she was trying for steely, fierce and intense.  But it didn’t work.  It just reminded me of the nasty look I got from a woman that time I scooped up the last of the “Buy Three, Get One Free” Snuggle fabric softeners from the display at Rite-Aid. 

Len – “There was a little incident with your feet, but overall a great job!”
Bruno – “It needed to be a bit sharper… but I liked it.”
Carrie Ann – “Your face was expressionless, which I’ve never seen before.  There wasn’t any sparkle.  Bring that back.”  Hey, I just said that.

SCORE:  21/30 – Expect happy, slappy, booby-bouncing Sherri to return next week.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Paso Doble – First off, did we all catch sleeveless, sweaty, huffing Mark Ballas throwing around those punches in the muay thai boxing ring during Katherine’s tape package?  Holy cow!  This might be a terrific time for me to take back that comment I made about him sounding like Rainbow Brite whenever he talks.  It’s always the little ones you least suspect of being able to grind you into powder like a Bayer aspirin.

I’m still rooting for these two.  They look great together, but Katherine missed the fierceness mark she was going for.  She was having trouble with her step work, and things looked awkward and out of sync. See for yourself.  But don’t tell Mark I showed you.  I’m pretty sure he could knock the fillings right out of my head.

Watch Mark and Katherine’s Paso Doble from Rock Week here