Watching Amazon Pilot Season: “The After”

Welcome to internet television, where there… are… no… rules!  At least that’s what we’re told. But usually internet tv shows boil down more or less to the same conventions we see everywhere else, except people say “fuck” way more.  That was certainly the case with The After.  Chris Carter was really going for a record with this one!  Add up all the movies starring Harvey Keitel ever made and you still don’t hear the word “fuck” as much as you do in the fifty-five minutes this supernatural apocalyptic thriller took to unfold.

The heroine of The After is Gigi, a sexy French girl we first think is an assassin but actually turns out to be an actress merely preparing to audition for the role of an assassin.  Because it’s always important to reference modern technology in an internet pilot to keep the kids interested, she FaceTimes with her sexy husband and adorable little girl who mumbles incoherently and toddles back and forth in a way I suppose parents who have kids find adorable, but that lead my mind to drift to more important issues like “What ever happened to Shields and Yarnell?” and “Why do my fingers smell like roast beef?”

Bad news, people: Gigi doesn’t get the part.  Even worse news: the audition was in Century City, which is basically a single street with big buildings sandwiched between Beverly Hills and the Westfield Shopping Mall and can apparently be rented out super-cheap because it’s subbed in as “important big city business hub” on every tv show since Knots Landing was still on the air.

Next thing you know, Gigi finds herself trapped in an elevator with a diverse group of strangers with varying ethnic backgrounds and mysterious pasts, including a Latina cop, a white middle aged dowager with a cane, an Irish loud-mouth brute (“We’re goona have tah take the fookin’ starwell!”), and a pudgy birthday clown.  The maximum capacity of the elevator did not allow for an emotionally-brittle Korean or a mean-faced Middle Easterner who regrets his past, so we’ll have to wait on them til we get a series pick-up.

In the span of about five seconds, everyone in the jammed elevator goes into red-alert panic, which I can tell you from first hand experience is not believable because once I got stuck in an elevator with Emmy-winning actress Tyne Daly while we were both on our way up to Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks, and instead of freaking out we sat down on the floor and played Uno until Guapo the security guard came and freed us with his special elevator key.

The gang eventually makes it into a locked parking structure, where they encounter a wrongly accused African American who’s recently escaped from prison, a sexy Southern “gal on the go,” and Adrian Pasdar, who has yet to be hired for a role where he doesn’t have to wear a dress shirt and an Armani two-button dress vest. For the next ten minutes, they all spend so long arguing and yelling at each other about what their next move should be that I honestly thought this show was going to be about a group of people having to re-populate the Earth from inside an underground West L.A.-adjacent parking structure (My boyfriend said that he’d be willing to have sex with the clown). –>READ MORE< --

Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics: Opening Ceremonies – Your Top Tweets

Damn you #WinterOlympics – Everyone is so bundled I can’t tell who’s a scruffy hot guy and who’s a lesbian!

I wonder if Sarah Palin is watching the #OpeningCeremony from her backyard #Russia #WinterOlympics

Will live-tweeting about an event that ended 8 hours ago punch a hole in the space-time continuum? #WinterOlympics #OpeningCeremony

If 007 doesn’t parachute out a plane with Putin, these ceremonies are a bust. #WinterOlympics #ParadeOfNations

If it weren’t for the #WinterOlympics and the #SuperBowI, kids wouldn’t know what Roman numerals were!

If they put Putin on that old game show “Make Me Laugh” he’d hella clean up! #WinterOlypmics

Every Olympics sneaks in one fake country. This year it’s “NillaWafer!”

Russia wins gold in pounding vodka #WinterOlympics

All the (male) American Olympians look like the bad guys in high school underdog movies. #WinterOlympics #Biff #Chet

Do those little dancing marshmallows have to hop around through the entire parade of nations? #WinterOlympics

Argentina has no snow. They just came for international sex. #WinterOlympics

Well Ireland looks a little drab, but luckily they brought Judy Jetson with them to jazz it up. #WinterOlympics

I’ll forgive Russia for their intolerance if they forgive us for the endless Jimmy Fallon commercials. #WinterOlympics

“Great Britain is believed to be the birthplace of curling… but we can’t be sure cuz none of them will cop to it” Matt Lauer #WinterOlympics

We are red, we are white, we are Danish dy-no-mite #WinterOlympics

Only in the #WinterOlympics can you be 43 years old and qualify for an event. Congrats, one dude from Venezuela!

Oh dear… Germany looks like a tribe of marching everlasting gobstoppers #WinterOlympics

The guy announcing the countries sounds like the guy who announces the performances on #DancingWithTheStars #WinterOlympics

There are more people on my sofa than there are athletes representing Zimbabwe. #WinterOlympics

All my life, the #WinterOlympics have been closely linked with pizza. This is but one small reason why I have yet to qualify for an event.

My favorite tweet tonight about the opening ceremonies: “It’s crazy how people live all over the world!” #WinterOlympics

If you’re a Winter Olympian, you can compete in like 13 #WinterOlympics in a row and win gold in all of ’em

#WinterOlympics tweets aren’t as funny as #Bachelorette tweets

Those dancing marshmallow people look like they’re starting to run outta steam. #WinterOlympics

Matt Lauer’s commentary is not great. Next time let’s let Siri do it. #WinterOlympics

I feel so lame… these athletes work so hard and I’m debating whether or not to get off the couch and buy tickets to the #LegoMovie #WinterOlympics

Only during the opening ceremonies would your feed include the tweet, “OMG Poland is sooooo adorable!” #WinterOlympics

Oh USA those sweaters… It’s like someone raided the Palin closet #WinterOlympics

That USA sweater is gonna be a hot fashion item, and then it will be tomorrow. #WinterOlympics

Yipers someone tell USA that ugly sweater parties are only for Christmas time. #WinterOlympics

Hey I didn’t know Team USA had their sweaters designed by my nana. #WinterOlympics

#WinterOlympics US wins the first gold in the new ugly sweater competition. #WinterOlympics

What the fuck are we wearing? We suck. #WinterOlympics


Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” – January 27, 2014: #YourTopTweets #Bachelor


Juan Pablo I would just like to say I visually enjoy you #Bachelor

Does every season of this show HAVE to have a girl with a lazy eye? #Bachelor

How is “Dog Lover” a profession? #bachelor

If I say “Donut Eater” is a profession, can I give up the law and just eat Krispy Kremes all day? #Bachelor

Unfortunately we could only clear songs in the public domain so they all did Karaoke to “Stars and Stripes Forever” #Bachelor

What do I need to do to get a ‘Sharleen is not impressed’ meme going? #bachelor

Idk how I feel about sharleen.. #Bachelor

charlene needs to go #bachelor

I hate Sharleeen #Bachelor

Sharleen says she doesn’t want children. Juan Pablo has a child. So naturally he gives her the rose. #Bachelor

Sharleen: Yes, I love children. They’re delicious! #Bachelor


Pervert Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 20, 2014 – #Bachelor

Why do we always want the drunken basket case to get the ax on The Bachelor? We always regret it later. Last week, we said goodbye to Victoria, that crapulous cross-eyed wipeout from Boca Raton. True, she probably wouldn’t be much of a role-model for Cah-mee-yah, except when it came to teaching the little darling how to pass out on a bus. But without Victoria and that bag she was half in, what are we left with? That’s right… girls who drink responsibly. And they never do anything interesting. Think about it… how often have you heard someone start a story about a wild weekend with, “Oh my god we got sooooo conservatively tipsy!”?

But that’s where we stand this week. And now 12 girls are gone. That means 15 are left, but 6 of them have problem skin, so we know they’re out. And no girl who wears little flowers on top her head gets anywhere in life, so the clock is ticking on Hippie Chick. And when has anyone ever said, “I’m rooting for the opera singer!” and not been laughed out of the room? Yep, this season can end one way, and one way only. There’s gonna be one happy Professional Dog Lover with a big ring from Neil Lane on her hand very soon! READ MORE

Pervert Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 13, 2014 – #Bachelor

It’s not enough anymore to show weepy chicks in bikinis running around drunk and hysterical on The Bachelor.  I was watching humiliated Victoria stampede through the cocktail party in tears, struggling to keep herself upright as she screamed at producers and demanded to go home, and all I could think was, “Man, she better fall down some stairs or run through a big pane of glass or something!”

I have to be honest.  For just a moment, I was rooting for it.  This is what I have come to.  Watching an undernourished human soul get crushed to a fine powder on national television is no longer enough to stimulate me. I must now also have some snuff. READ MORE –>

The 2014 Golden Globe Awards – Your Top Tweets #GoldenGlobes


i bet #GoldenGlobes would make great bongs.

I bet Bono has better cocaine than anyone else at the show. #GoldenGlobes

If I could win an award while drinking a martini and making out with Bono with my shoes off, my life would be made. #GoldenGlobes

Justice for the flawless Amy Poehler! #GoldenGlobes

What I’ve learned watching #GoldenGlobes2014 – I need to say “my team” more.

Well there’s Bono… still trying to make that look work. #goldenglobes. Read More –>

The 2014 Golden Globe Awards #RedCarpet Pre-Show – Your Top Tweets #GoldenGlobes

A pregnant Kerry Washington is a flawless Kerry Washington. #GoldenGlobes

People are live tweeting the #GoldenGlobes red carpet?  Does that mean I can live tweet the gopher digging up my plants in the yard?

If you’re looking for Joan and Melissa Rivers, E! has them interviewing tourists and undergrads hanging out at Starbucks on Highland this year.  #GoldenGlobes #sorry

I don’t understand why my mother keeps asking, “Did they show Christine Lahti yet?” #GoldenGlobes Read More –>

Pervert Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 6, 2014 – #Bachelor

It was worth sitting through two hours of The Bachelor tonight just to see that one red headed girl walk up to accept her rose at the end, only to realize too late Juan Pablo hadn’t said her name.

Poor Kylie the Interior Designer. She thought she got a rose on The Bachelor and made a big fool of herself. Then, she was made to go back and stand on her spot again and smile through the rest of the Rose Ceremony. And after all that, she STILL didn’t get a rose! I felt so badly for her. Horrendously embarrassed in front of everyone, and then when there was a slim chance her luck might turn around… BLAMO!!! More Humiliation!

Poor, poor Kylie. She is truly the “Ziggy” of Bachelorettes.

And hey… did anyone else notice this weird shot they held way too long while introducing Andi, the Attorney from Georgia?   She was going on and on about how meaningful the law was to her, and all I could think was: “Wow, that public defender really wants to bang her!” Am I the only one seeing this?  READ MORE –>

The Bachelor: Countdown to Pervert #JuanPablo Galavis – January 5, 2014 – #Bachelor

Was anyone else disappointed that tonight wasn’t the actual first episode of The Bachelor, but rather some sort of drawn-out Bachelor preview entitled, “Countdown to Juan Pablo”?  A countdown to Juan Pablo is about as necessary as a countdown to the McRib.  But I guess ABC knows I’ll sit through just about anything they put into my television set, even that show with the British aliens who live next door to Jami Gertz.

So what exactly did we learn about this season’s love-chasers tonight?  Nothing much.  The hour was mostly comprised of assorted women throwing their arms in the air and squealing “Juan Pablo!” in that same embarrassing way my grandma squeals when she gets a BINGO.

There was also an uncomfortable tribute to Gia, but I don’t want to talk about that.

Oh yeah, in case you had money on it one way or the other, Chris Harrison is still on the show.

I kid Chris Harrison.  He walked into a dream gig.  And he’s probably a nice guy.  But after, what, 18 seasons of spelling out the serpentine-like intricacies that make up the “rules” of this show, can’t they just insert shots of him from previous seasons?  We really don’t need him to continue spelling out for us what might happen when you shove 25 girls into a house with a hot Venezuelan soccer player and giant rugs from Aladdin. He’s just eating up valuable time I could be watching slim people making out in blue, heated water.  Plus they dress Chris like a Baskin Robbins store manager.  The only thing missing is a hat with “31” in big puffy letters on his head.  Someone really should say something. READ MORE –>

The Bachelor/Bachelorette – “We Remember Those Lost in Seasons Past” Gallery

As Bachelorette fan-favorite and pervert Juan Pablo Galavis prepares to dive into ABC’s reality romance pool Sunday night (a two-parter continuing on Monday), we at TV Food and Drink would like to take a moment to pay tribute to all the brave seekers who’ve fallen in seasons past.  Because of their public humiliations, true love endures.

What would the Bachelor franchise have been without Britt the Food Writer, who stood there and did nothing for half the season before getting tossed off a yacht in the middle of Episode Six?  And remember Blockehad Ryan who took so long to get the clue he was getting dumped by Emily Maynard the show actually had to go to commercial and come back so he could continue reading his “Perfect Woman” list? READ MORE –>