Cancelled?! How Change Causes Heartache

Guest posting today is Sebastian Compagnucci, founder of The Rambling Crab.

Sebastian Compagnucci (a.k.a. “The Rambling Crab”) argues why actors should turn in their union cards when their defining roles come to an end.

This week has been all about change. We get caught in our day-to-day routine, completely oblivious to the world until something drastic throws a wrench in the mix. I’ve been hearing people bitch about “change” a lot lately. People now hate Facebook because of their recent dashboard updates, Google+ seems to be gaining surprising popularity, and I just discovered the newly altered state of Verizon Fios’ menu layout – oh, the horror.

I don’t think anyone necessarily has a problem with change itself, rather the need to potentially learn something new in order to properly adapt to the change. Take Facebook for example – when I feel as though I’ve finally mastered the latest updates, completely new and complicated upgrades derail my progress. Everyone exclaims, “I want to opt out of the new changes.” Unfortunately folks, do we ever really have a choice when things change in our lives? You get dumped by your boyfriend or girlfriend, you get fired from your job, or your favorite TV show gets cancelled – bummer.

You can imagine my dismay when my favorite TV actors/actresses went on to star in movies or shows other than the one I’ve associated them with since the beginning of time. TV cancellations are like unexpected breakups – they catch you off guard and you can’t do anything to get it back. I feel as though I experience the 5 Stages of Grief after each cancellation:

1. Denial: “Nope, LOST isn’t ending. It’ll DEFINITELY be back for a 7th season. EVERYONE loves LOST.”

2. Anger: “LOST stole 6 years of my life and they didn’t even answer all my damn questions about the island!!”

3. Bargaining: “If I write to J.J. Abrams and tell him how much I love LOST, he’ll definitely produce a new season, right?”

4. Depression: “I need to go back to the island. I need to go back!!!”

5. Acceptance: … still hasn’t happened.

So this made me think, who are some of the actors I will forever associate with the characters they played regardless of any other role they play in the future. Change is hard people, and I have yet to accept the fact that all of these characters are gone for good.

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Dancing with the Stars: October 31, 2011 – VIDEO – Nancy Grace Channels Your 3rd Grade Teacher with Her Jive

It was not a good night for Tit Mom.

Despite the fact that she is paired with what my friend Michelle politely refers to as “the hottest ass ever to come out of Ireland” (otherwise known as Tristan MacManus), Nancy Grace appears to be in serious jeopardy tonight after performing a jive (at least that’s what they referred to it as) on tonight’s Halloween-themed Dancing with the Stars.

Remember when were a kid and your school had “Parent Night,” and your frumpy third grade teacher got up in front of the entire student body and danced around with a silly, gung-ho amateurishness while singing “You’re the One That I Want” at the top of her lungs with the janitor and the priest that got arrested years later for having ten thousand kiddie porn photos on his laptop?

It was a lot like that. That shocking moment you have as a child when you realize that even at the age of eight, there are already some adults on the planet you’re cooler than.

I will say this for her… she outlasted Chaz.

Click below for the video.

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Woman Stabs Boyfriend Multiple Times for Cheating in Monopoly (with video from TV’s Cheers)

A 60 year-old woman in Santa Fe, New Mexico was charged earlier this week with aggravated battery after stabbing her boyfriend for allegedly cheating during a game of Monopoly.

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Dancing with the Stars: October 24, 2011 Maksim Chmerkovskiy vs. The Judges – VIDEO

It was Len Goodman vs. Maksim Chmerkovskiy over a less-than-impressive rhumba with Hope Solo. Not very “Seasons of Love.”

Never one to shy away from a chance to bid farewell to the mirror ball trophy, DWTS resident boy bully Maksim Chmerkovskiy yet again clashed with the judges on tonight’s Broadway-themed show, all but ensuring his and soccer star Hope Solo’s early departure from the competition.

It’s one thing after taking your lumps from lead judge Len Goodman to shake it off and pander to the home audience for phone votes, which Maks never misses a chance to do. But the hot-tempered Chmerkovskiy unfortunately took it a step further when,after Len reminded him he’s been in the business of ballroom for fifty years, replied with a superior, “Maybe it’s time to get out!”

At that point, Carrie Ann jumped in with a verbal swipe to the Maks’s little wet nose, which left Maks with nothing other than the trite “I was just protecting my partner!” defense, with such a lack of conviction it was pretty clear even he didn’t believe it.

Poor Hope Solo was smart to just smile and keep her mouth shut like a beauty pageant contestant who’s just accidentally wet herself on stage, trying hard not to notice as Maks continued to shoot his mouth off to Brooke in his post-interview: “”This is my show. I helped make it what it is.”

The dance itself was totally underwhelming, clunky and pretty deserving of all the criticism it received. And regardless of whoever’s heading home tomorrow night, you can be nearly-guaranteed Maks and Hope will end up one of the two final couples on the chopping block.

Check out the video below.

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Dancing with the Stars: October 17, 2011 J.R. Martinez Sambas – VIDEO

J.R. Martinez Sambas Right Past Ricki Lake to Take the Top Score of the Night. WATCH THE VIDEO

There’s a new frontrunner on Dancing with the Stars, and it’s about time.

Not since Hines Ward and Kym Johnson has a samba burned up the Dancing with the Stars floorboards the way it did tonight with actor J.R. Martinez and his partner Karina Smirnoff. Martinez has been slowly and steadily snatching away audience allegiance from prom queen and king Ricki Lake and Derek Hough.  And tonight he finally broke through, blowing past them with a spicy, sure-footed samba accompanied by Gloria Estefan’s “Conga,” and nailing the top score of the night – a 28 – along with a standing ovation from the crowd.

From Judge Len: “If anyone says to me ‘How should a guy dance the samba?’ I’ll say, ‘Just have a look at J.R.!’”

From Carrie-Ann Inaba: “I want more!”

From Bruno Tonioli: “The Kardashians are GAGGING!” (no comment)

Lake’s foxtrot earned her a 24, tying with Hope and Maks, and putting her behind Martinez and Smirnoff, David Arquette and Johnson (score of 25) and Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke (also a 25).

Not so successful this week were Nancy Grace and this season’s new “Tiger Beat Boy Crush,” Tristan MacManus with 22.  They were in turn trailed by Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer with 21.  And at the bottom – though still holding his head far higher than Michael Bolton ever did was Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya with 19.  Even the cringe-worthy cheerleader routine, complete with pom-poms, cartwheels and a mini kick line was light years less embarrassing than Bolton emerging from a dog house chasing after a giant prop bone on all fours).

Check out J.R. and Carson both shaking their pep makers below:

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Dancing with the Stars: October 10, 2011 Chynna Phillips Tangos to “Mission Impossible”

Chynna fumbles badly, but hangs in there! WATCH THE VIDEO

The fact that Chynna Phillips choked on her tango tonight while the ballroom swirled with the theme from Mission Impossible probably escaped no one, least of all Chynna and her partner Tony Dovolani (who seems to get stuck every season with either a less than capable dancer or someone who ends up just butchering a performance in some unspeakable manner).

Poor Chynna missed more steps than she hit, then looked to just sort of give up entirely. And that mad dash over to the judging table at the end followed immediately by a dramatic pose… part of the routine, or a last ditch effort to just go out on something memorable? The cameras didn’t seem ready for it, so I have to assume it was not planned.

Either way, I bet Tony wishes those cables that lowered him onto the stage worked both ways.

Click through to watch the performance. Will you be voting for Chynna after this?

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“Titanoboa”: Largest Snake in the World Comes to Smithsonian Channel

Slither up and get cozy with the largest snake ever found.

File this one under “Fossilized Examples of Growth Gone Wild,” “Things My Boyfriend Will Definitely Make Me DVR,” or ” Creatures That if I Ever Encounter, I Will Immediately Curl Up Into a Ball and Begin Sobbing Uncontrollably, Unable to Stop Until it Finishes Digesting My Sorry, Cream Puff Ass.”
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Ringer: “It’s Gonna Kill Me, But I’ll Do It” (The CW)

Five Things the Characters on “Ringer” and The CW Need to Remember if They Want Us To Keep Watching

Episode 1-04 / Originally Aired 10/4/11

We know that even with the smartest of television shows, it’s only a matter of time before at least one story line is completely bungled.  We’ve all witnessed it.  Characters get written into a box that the writers can’t get them out of and suddenly….Boom! AMNESIA! Or maybe … Boom! FIVE YEARS LATER!  Or God forbid… Atomic Boom!  IT WAS ALL A DREAM!

Writers are only human, after all.  And who hasn’t hit a creative wall at least once in their life while a deadline loomed?  And often times, a show really can pick up the pieces from a mess of a plotline and regain its former glory.

But when a fumble like that happens only four episodes in to the run of a series, you’ve really got to question whether the people involved had any idea what they were gonna do if their show went past the pilot episode.

I’m still rooting for you, Ringer.  I’ve been watching you since Day One.  I like my night time soaps mixed with a little corporate shenanigans and foreign intrigue, and you seem to have all the elements necessary to become water cooler conversation.

And yet… I faintly remember reading a film review by Roger Ebert, where he said something along the lines of: “In order for me to believe the story, at minimum the characters on screen must be at least as smart as the stupidest real person I’ve ever met.”

So it’s with great hopefulness that I present the five major storytelling rules broken on last night’s episode.  And out of kindness to the stupidest real people I’ve ever met, I’ll lay blame squarely at the feet of the fictional characters in the show.

Rule #1: Never discuss your biggest secret with the door behind you wide open.

Even maniacal super-villains who reveal their detailed evil plans for world domination to James Bond right before they completely fail at killing him and allow him to escape and return to foil their plans — even THEY would have the sense to at least close the door behind them before discussing the fact that they impregnated another woman while their own wife is around to possibly overhear.

Yet, here we have Henry, so frustratingly stupid at keeping his affair with Siobhan a secret even the producers of Cheaters wouldn’t know what to do with him.

Yep, Henry babbled his undying devotion to Bridget-as-Siobhan (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and then insisted that he was the father of her unborn baby, and neither one of them had enough sense to hold up the “hang on a sec” finger and tippy-toe over to close the door, the way real people do when discussing the truth about Santa or what they’re dressing up as for Halloween.

And sure enough, that was Henry’s wife Gemma hanging out on the other side of the door, soaking up the complete, heartbreaking story. What did Henry and Siobahn expect?  When fifty percent of the dinner party suddenly goes missing, odds are unless there’s a deck of UNO cards around, the other fifty percent are gonna get up and go look for them.

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