I have been informed that if we win, I will NOT be invited to the press podium while someone shouts out numbers from the sides and the lucky reporters get to ask questions about how the Emmy win has changed my life.
If you watched the footage from the security camera in my building’s elevator tonight, you would have seen me tapping my foot furiously and curling my hands into spontaneous “anger fists” as I tried to get up to my apartment in time to recap tonight’s “Things Turn Nasty” episode of The Bachelorette. I got delayed at work and by the time I crossed through my front door, the show had already been on for an hour. Worse yet, I then had to decide if I was going to overlook the fact that I had no food ready to eat and that my cat had decided that crapping just to the left of the litter box was as good as a direct hit.
So I’m starving, I’m calling in sick tomorrow and I locked my cat in the shower, but here’s your recap. Food, Career, Loving Pets… what are three things less important to me than The Bachelorette?
First up tonight, we’ve got an unofficial “Group Date.” Desiree shuttles away Chris, Brian, Dimpled Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey T., Brandon, Zach K. and Evil Ben for an afternoon of “competitive dodgeball.” Yes, once again this show is putting two random words together and trying to make us all believe it’s a real thing. It’s like that one bachelor they keep telling us is a professional “Cookie Smeller” or how they keep trying to convince us that Chris Harrison is a “Television Host.”
The guys all dress up like John McEnroe and start stretching. Actually, they only dressed like John McEnroe from the waist up. From the waist down, it was one hundred percent Richard Simmons. Seriously, the last time I saw sausages packed this tight I was in Düsseldorf. The only guy who didn’t seem uncomfortable was Dimpled Drew, who saw the skimpy shorts he was supposed to wear and immediately asked where the parade float was and whether or not he had time to get his angel wings out of the trunk.
Brooks, the dude who had the “wedding date” with Desiree on top the Hollywood Sign last week, and hasn’t washed his hair since, broke his finger and was excused from the rest of the game. Why the hell did I never think of that in grade school? The best excuse I ever came up with to get out of gym was when I told the coach I was protesting strenuous exercise until Luke and Laura finally found their way back to each other. He made me run laps.
Later that evening, Brad the Accountant got up the courage to tell Des about his “haunted past.” I was expecting something truly terrifying, like he’d eaten his twin brother in the womb or written the screenplay for Sex and the City2. But it turns out he had just been arrested for domestic abuse while trying to wrestle the keys out of the hand of his drunken baby mama, which on The Bachelrotte translates into “I’m one of the guys this season.”
The first rose of the night went to Chris the Mortgage Banker. Chris is this season’s “Whack a Mole” Bachelor. At the start of the season we see him for a brief moment, and then later he pops up once or twice, but by the end he’s made next to no impression and you realize he was probably defective and not worth the time it would have taken you to hit him over the head with a hammer. This week, he got a rose. Next week, the only screen time he’ll get is when the cameraman shooting Bryden stops focusing for a moment to scratch the side of his nose.
And look everyone! Brooks is back from the Emergency Room! And he may not have gotten Desiree, but by the looks of him, he definitely got Demereol!
Well, we should all thank Bachelorette Desiree for playing down the “I was so poor” card this week and leaving the sob stories to the men. And the guys certainly did not disappoint with the misery, did they? Between drug-addicted parents, chronic illnesses, car accidents, and multiple head stitches, they made last night’s Game of Thrones seem like a Suri Cruise pony party. But I’ve collected myself and if you can be brave, I can be brave. So let’s all hold hands and proceed with tonight’s recap.
Date #1 this week goes to Brooks, the Marketing Consultant with the “1990s Disney prince hair” and the “I fucked your sister” smile.
Desiree wants to share her passion for designing wedding dresses, so she takes Brooks to a bridal salon and makes him wear a Little Lord Fauntleroy tie, reason number 3 on Cosmo’s “Why You Can’t Get a Second Date” List, just under “You kept quoting Michelle Tanner from Full House” and “Your vagina is located on the underside of your foot.”
I don’t know. Do Brooks and Desiree look like a match made in heaven to you? They look more like the scumbag couple from that crappy sitcom Whitney to me.
Next, they go to for a picnic on top the Hollywood sign. Hey, that’s less than a mile from where I live! In fact, you can see it from Michael’s living room window. Actually, there are some cheap apartment buildings and a billboard for the Spanish edition of The Voice blocking part of it, so you can only see “…Ollywoo…” But it’s still glamorous. Desiree tells Brooks that when she first saw the Hollywood sign, she was inspired to pursue her dreams. I guess people who move here from someplace else think like that about the Hollywood sign. Locals just wait to hear about the next time authorities find a bowling bag stuffed with human heads buried under the “Y.”
After the picnic, Desiree pretends to get lost and drives into what Brooks calls a “shady area of Hollywood” also known as “all of Hollywood.” Surprise! Desiree was faking Brooks out. They’re actually going to have a romantic dinner date on top of a closed-off bridge. It’s almost as romantic as cuddling under the giant neon sign out front Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
During dinner on the bridge, Brooks reveals that he has a hard time talking about himself. Get it? Just like a scary L.A. bridge, Brooks is “closed off.” Next they try to decide which there are more of in the world: cats named “Desiree” or Craigslist killers named “Brooks.”
After coughing up some hazy daddy issues I wasn’t quite sure I believed, Desiree rewarded Brooks with the first rose of the night. Off to the side, the Bloods and the Crips applauded and wiped away tears, until a car unexpectedly backfired and everybody ran.
On the Group Date this week were Dan, Juan Pablo, Zach K, Will, Brian, Dimpled Drew, James, Mikey T., Zak, Nick, Michael, Brandon and Ben. The boys performed their own rap video, each dressed in one of the traditional national costumes of Denmark.
Tonight, Desiree Hartsock begins her quest for love and her campaign to work her way into the next season of Dancing with the Stars. I mean… our hearts. She wants to work her way into our hearts. That’s definitely what she wants to do.
Desiree is very excited to be this season’s Bachelorette. I’m less excited. She didn’t do much for me during Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor. Plus, right out of the gate she’s really giving us the hard sell on how this is her “Cinderella story,” because she was so poor growing up. She really wouldn’t let up on it. “Do you know how poor I was growing up?” Desiree asks Chris Harrison. “I was so poor growing up my family had to hang the toilet paper out to dry. I was so poor growing up, kicking a can down the street was called ‘moving day!’ I was so poor growing up, monkeys at the zoo threw peanuts at me!”
“Wow!” says Chris Harrison, “You were really poor.” And we’re only 53 minutes into the show, folks! Don’t you love the way The Bachelorette just zips right along. I’m not even missing the fact that there haven’t been any shirtless men yet.
Of course when one shows up, I’m certainly not going to complain. As my grandfather always said to me, “You may not be a muscular man, Gary. But never let that stop you from pulling up your shirt and gently caressing your own belly when you see one on television.”
Let’s all say hello to Zak W., the Drilling Fluid Engineer from Texas. And no need to bother trying to explain what a “Drilling Engineer” actually does, Zak. I’ve got all the answers I need in my little head.
But hark! I see the first limos are arriving. Who’s up for a round of “Spot the Guy with Micro-Penis!” Follow me to the fun!
Dog could hear everything going on from the start.
Dog hoped no one would notice him.
Dog mouthing silently to camera man, “YOU… DON’T… SEE… ME.”
Dog had big plans to move to Hawaii, Oregon or Guam…. anyplace without tornadoes so enormous even your fleas jump off you looking for better cover.
Now… all plans ruined.
Network news foils a brilliant plan yet again.
I don’t know. Others may see this whole thing differently.
If you’re one of nearly 1,000 people who cast a vote in The Cat-Chelor, I want to thank you for helping make my mind up for me.
And if you’re one of those throuble-makers who voted for Feral Darryl over and over, I especially want to thank you for finally finding something else to do. He was in the lead for a good 36 hours. I was growing worried for my future. While I certainly didn’t want to circumvent the democratic process, I also didn’t want to spend the next 15 years living inside a suit of chainmail.
Your votes decided it, so click through to see who I brought home.
“EXCLUSIVE: More than a dozen actors have signed on to appear on Hollywood Game Night, NBC’s new game show series executive produced by Sean Hayes and Todd Milliner and hosted by Jane Lynch that features celebrities hanging out and playing games with fun-loving non-celebrity contestants in a cocktail party atmosphere. Set to do the series so far are Amy Poehler, Matthew Perry, Jason Bateman, Kristin Bell and fiance Dax Shephard, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Minnie Driver, Kal Penn, Martin Short, Ellie Kemper, Kristen Chenoweth, Cheryl Hines, Molly Shannon and Max Greenfield, with more expected to join.”
Round TWO! This is your chance to decide which cat I will adopt as my new pet.
Each of these cats is currently living at a non-profit, no-kill pet shelter in Los Angeles. But while this competition is in process, they are all residing at a 10,000 square foot mansion in Malibu, complete with indoor and outdoor jacuzzi, a bar in every room, and a landing pad for the obligatory helicopter date.
At the end of this recap, please vote for the TOP THREE CATS you think are the best match for me, and next week I will narrow it all the way down to “the one.” Vote as much as you like.
Nine cats are left standing at the top of tonight’s episode after I said goodbye to Feral Darryl last week.
Poor Feral Darryl. It turns out he has a really weird infection in an area polite conversation dare not name. And it would have required me to give him an ointment using a rubber surgical glove and applied weekly in a manner that, well… I don’t think I want to go any further. Let’s just say Darryl and I aren’t gonna work out.
Moving on. This week’s first one-on-one date goes to Kalista, the nine year old domestic short-hair calico who’s had all her shots and likes to eat string.
For our date, I took Kalista to the Capitol Records building in Hollywood where I had planned for the two of us to record a version of “The Siamese Cat Song” from Lady and the Tramp. Instead,Kalista went off to the corner to chew the pull-cord off a Venetian blind, then she fell asleep for thirteen hours.
When she woke up, I took her to the roof for the obligatory “cough up something deep about yourself” segment. I went first: I admitted to Kalista I was selfish with my feelings. Then it was Kalista’s turn and, well, she literally coughed something up. It looked like part of a bird beak or maybe the sharp end of a mini golf course pencil. Neither of us was really sure. But she picked the sticky glob up anyway and handed it to me saying, “Keep this as a memento of our special night together.” Then we just stared up at the stars together. And every so often I’d stick my hands in seafood and let her lick my fingers.
And can we talk about Dinky? There’s always one cat on these shows who’s just a total psycho, right? The other cats in the mansion call her “Dinky Drama,” and she really proved that to be true when she got wasted on Jack Daniels and cornered me on the veranda, refusing to be ignored.
Generally, when one of these cats sidles up to the me after tossing back a few, they paste on their innocent faces and say sweet things like, “Wow, it’s really chilly out,” or “When I’m with you my tail sticks straight up into the air!” Instead, drunk Dinky went with, “Well you knooooow… I had alllllll my teeth pulled out but one! And sometimes I lick myself behind the dryer… so there’s that. Don’t judge! I went to junior college!”
Then she looked up at me with her snaggle tooth and her slightly crossed left eye, and farted without seeming to notice.
Marshmallow got a little one on one time with me later in the evening and revealed that she used to be something of a bad girl. In fact she’s given birth 57 times and left most of them behind a Target in Woodland Hills!
Marshmallow thought I might be horrified by this revelation, but instead I was really touched at the way she opened up to me. I gave her a rose right on the spot and Marshmallow proclaimed, “I’m the most special diabetic Persian half-breed in the entire world!” Then another kitten shot out of her and she accidentally sat down on it and smothered it to death. But it’s all ok. Before anyone could get too grossed out, she ate it. I gotta admit, she’s really here to win, that Marshmallow!
The Voice blind auditions start… now! First up for Season Four… it’s the Morgan Twins… Cara and Rhian!
Guess What?: They dress alike, they talk alike. Though it turns out, a hot dog does NOT make them lose control.
Guess What Else?: Sometimes they say the same things at the exact same time. When this occurred, host Carson Daly remarked, wide-eyed, “That is so crazy how that happened!” Has this guy never seen any set of twins when they appear on television together? This is the #1 parlor trick of all twins trying to come off as amazing when there’s a camera pointed their way. People across America all took a shot when it happened. Yet Carson is still trying to get his mouth closed again.
Song Choice: “Fallin'”
Results: All four chairs turned around. Usher looked around and then helpfully held up his hand, “That’s four!” like that purple Romanian mobster puppet from Sesame Street.
Finally: Identical twin singers… big deal. Call me when The Voice books twins conjoined at the head, and one of them performs “Pumped Up Kicks” while the other sings “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” Then I’ll bother to update my DVR. By the way, while trying to decide which coach they’d go with, the twins whispered back and forth to each other and giggled. Don’t they even have twin telepathy? These twins suck. They chose Blake.
And yes, in case you happen to remember them, the Morgan Twins also auditioned for American Idol back in the Paula Abdul days. And they sang the same song. See the video below while you can before NBC has it yanked. Blind Audition #2:Jess Kellner, a hair stylist from Texas. She loves doing hair but her main passion is music.
Guess What?: Her mom was an alcoholic. How does this figure in? It doesn’t, but Jess really loves her new stepmom, almost as much as she loves making music, but not as much as she loves making corn rows
Song Choice: “Can’t Help Falling in Love”
Results: Chair-turns from Shakira and Usher. She chose Usher
And Finally: Because this is an 8pm show, it’s important to note that Jess’ mom is sober now, and I’m sure she’s thrilled her daughter used a painful and embarrassing fact of her personal life on national television…. and then didn’t even invite her to come along to the auditions.
Blind Audition #3:Mark Andrew, a roofer from Minnesota. He announces that roofing is not something he’d like to do with the rest of his life. Nationwide, eyeballs fall out of their sockets.
Song choice: “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”
Results: Adam turned his chair. Shakira turned her chair. Usher looked bored and Blake did the already played out “Will I or Won’t I?” button hover. Take another shot, America.
Blind Audition #4: Janetza Miranda, the peppy Puerto Rican from Newark, New Jersey. Looks like Rico’s wife from Six Feet Under.
Guess what?: She’s proud of her Puerta Rican heritage. Doesn’t seem to have much to say about Newark however.
Little Known Fact: Her family all does bird calls! But not those sweet tweety bird kinds. Instead, they do those wild, ear-splitting screechy birds like the kind you see circling the sky in movies where men die trying to cross the desert.
Song Choice: “Titanium”
Performance: Big voice. Her family was going nuts backstage. But midway through, no chairs have turned. Shakira does “the button hover” – drop acid, America.
Results: Zero coaches. Adam runs to hug her. Because unlike American Idol, there are no losers on The Voice, just singers you never hear from again who have to go back and live in New Jersey.
Blake says Janetza deserves to be in the competition, which is the first thing on Janetza’s “Things I Don’t Want to Hear When I’ve Just Been Told I’m Not Going to be in the Competition, but Thanks Anyway for Not Turning Around, Blake Shelton” List.
Usher gave the, “This is just the beginning for you!” speech. Roll an eye, America.
Blind Audition #5: Danielle Bradbury, 16 from Cypress, Texas
Teased In Her Youth For: Having crooked teeth. That’s the best she could do? Crooked teeth? I have an inordinate among of hair on my toe knuckles and I don’t tan. Where’s my teen moment of triumph?
Song Choice: “Mean”
Results: Blake, Adam and Usher turned their chairs. Shakira laid out. There’s a lot of Nashville fiddle in this song, and the girl’s from Texas… so guess who she picked to go with? They actually went to a commercial break before we found out her decision because we were supposed to be on pins and needles waiting to find out. I am clearly not the target ago demographic for this television show.
May I Say: I thought Janetza Miranda’s voice was far more compelling. Am I alone here? Also, Usher thinks Nashville is a state.
Season 2 of Veep premieres on HBO Sunday, April 14th. Click through to find out what Vice-President Selina Meyer thinks you should do to keep yourself looking trim. HINT: Masturbating on the subway comes into play.
Last July, Z died of cancer. I had him for thirteen years. You remember Z, don’t you? My big fat dumb cuddle kitty who regularly found his way to my website, showing off his extra tonnage in a photo category all his own entitled AM I FAT?
This picture sits next to my bed. It was the last one we took before we put Z down. The cancer had pretty much eradicated his appetite, so he went to the grave looking like the feline version of Valerie Bertinelli, circa 2009. I am sure Z worked it all the way across that Rainbow Bridge.
Now it’s time to get a new play buddy, but you pet owners know how hard it is… looking at all these cats needing adoption and thinking, “Could any of them possibly fill that hole in my heart?” After all, when you first meet a cat… he’s really just a cat who has yet to have assigned to him or her all those human characteristics that lead us to fall in love with them… “troublemaker,” “manipulator,” “badass,” “slut.”
That’s where YOU come in, because I just can’t make up my mind. Every cat deserves a home, but I only have space for one.
After the jump, you can meet the Top 10 contenders looking to win a spot in my life. Take a look, read their pros and cons, and make your decision. At the end of the post, you can vote for your top three. Then check back here regularly to see which cat America decided to vote off… and who will ultimately… win the heart of The Cat-chelor!
Over the next few weeks, we’ll get to know the contenders a little bit better. I’ll take them out and do things with them. Perhaps we’ll challenge our fears by scaling down the sides of tall buildings. Or we’ll pose for romance covers in a photo shoot, followed by intimate talks about our emotional scars in the group jacuzzi.
And you don’t have to worry about playing favorites. All these animals are located at a Los Angeles facility where they are allowed to live out their natural lives. All their needs are met while they await to meet their perfect person.
So help me find my new four-legged best friend. The search begins now! Here come the contenders in no particular order.