Food Network Star Recap: July 1, 2012

9:01 pm – Ippy is beyond thrilled that the remaining competitors are heading to Miami for this week’s Food Network Star competition. Ippy has apparently forgotten what humidity can do to curly hair.

9:03 pm – On the beach, the gang meets up with Bobby, Giada and Thurston Howell the Third to receive this week’s challenge.

9:04 pm – Bobby informs the competitors that their challenge this week is to throw a Welcome Party to VIP families attending this year’s South Beach Food and Wine Competition, including most importantly, celebrity cook Paula Deen and her family.

9:05 pm – When Southern-born Martie hears she’ll be cooking for Paula Deen, she becomes excited, says “Dagnabbit!”

9:07 pm Giada reminds Ippy that this beach challenge is really his “time to shine” because he’s from Hawaii and his head looks like a pineapple.

9:09 pm – Private Chef Malcolm announces to camera, “My culinary genius has no limitations, so why should I pick one simple POV and limit myself?’ all but ensuring he’ll be the one going home this week. Personally, I thought Malcolm went home weeks ago. Watch the previous three episodes of Food Network Star and give me one reason to believe otherwise.

9:10 pm – Michele complains about how much work stone crabs are to prepare. The stone crabs complain that Michele looks like a middle-aged version of Ponyboy from The Outsiders.

Continue reading “Food Network Star Recap: July 1, 2012” »

Food Network Star Recap: June 24, 2012

“Ay, Dios mio!”

Poor, poor Martita.

I was really beginning to think our little Mexican pop rock was this season’s Food Network Star dark horse… that one the producers intentionally play down for the first half of the season because they’re just so head-and-shoulders above the rest in both kitchen proficiency and on-camera style, if they let her emerge too early, we viewers wouldn’t bother tuning in for the rest of the season.

But maybe by not giving us too much Martitia, the producers of Food Network Star are merely trying to spare us from having to wince too much at our television sets and cause permanent burning sensations in our facial nerves. After her frighteningly botched EPK presentation last night, it’s hard to imagine Martita coming back and winning this thing.

In case you missed it, each of the remaining competitors was given 90 seconds to present a “one bite” meal to the press and explain why they should take an interest in them as a television personality. While the other eight remaining FNS chefs were worried about how to squeeze their towering, mythical personalities into a puny old minute and a half, Martita decided to take a different path, and a leave some – let’s call it “cushion room” – at the end.

Martitia (sheepishly): “I just left a little bit of airtime… so…”
Michele: “How much time did you have left?”
Martita: “Almost thirty seconds.”

It’s like when you’re at a swap meet and you see the bravely smiling woman standing behind a table of furry little pom-pom goblins with googly eyes and sticky feet for your dashboard, and absolutely no one’s interested.   You feel so uncomfortable you decide to go over and feign interest just to keep her company for a few minutes, until you notice the “hot dog in a pretzel bun” cart just to her left and conclude, “It’s not my fault!  She’s the one trying to sell the world pom-pom goblins!”

Continue reading “Food Network Star Recap: June 24, 2012” »

Food Network Star Recap: June 17, 2012

Did any of you think we’d be this far into the competition and still have Little Linkie to kick around?

Don’t get me wrong, as a re-capper of Food Network Star, I’m pleased as punch she’s still with us. The woman is comedy gold. Did you see the hysterically perplexed and terrorized look she gave when Giada asked her if she knew how to make a churro? It’s the same look you get from a collie when you light a match in its face.

I tried out for Food Network Star this season, and I didn’t get on. Have I mentioned that yet? And Linkie got on. Under-confident, terminally apologetic Linkie… and not me. I have nothing against the woman, but have you noticed she can’t help but end every single sentence with the words “…and then I stumbled a bit, but I kept going,” like a kid at the fifth grade spelling bee who just got the word “insouciant,” and knew it was all over?

What kind of show did the producers of Food Network Star think they could build around Little Linkie? The only things I’m coming up with are: Passable Entertaining with Linkie, Food for Polite Friends, Apologize and Remind Them You’re Blonde or maybe, The Best Thing I Ever Thought About Making in the Kitchen, but for Some Reason it Came Out Looking Like Soup.

Continue reading “Food Network Star Recap: June 17, 2012” »

Food Network Star Recap: June 10, 2012

Congratulations!  You’ve reached the halfway point for this season’s Food Network Star.   Go whip yourselves up a spinach-kale smoothie and some “rad and retro” apple sauce!  You deserve it.  And before we dive into the highlights from this week’s episode, let’s take a look at where each of our culinary hopefuls currently stands:

Continue reading “Food Network Star Recap: June 10, 2012” »

Food Network Star Recap: June 3, 2012 (Brought to you by Discover Card – 5% Cash Back!!)

I don’t know about you, but everything that happened on this week’s episode of Food Network Star – the ups and downs, the smiles the frowns – all just fell out my head the minute I heard the words, TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR DISCOVER GIFT CARD. Boy, do I need a TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR DISCOVER GIFT CARD. Do you know what I use for end tables in my bedroom? TV TRAYS! And not even nice ones. The crappy indestructible kind you keep hidden in the garage in case some day you accidentally have kids and need something you can call an “art table.” And don’t even get me started on my lampshade.

Continue Reading: Food Network Star Recap: June 3, 2012