1.) Knows to cross from table to stove without breaking face from camera.  Not an easy talent to foster.
2.) Just like every chef host currently employed at Food Network, starts every sentence of instruction with the maddeningly condescending, “What you wanna do is…”
3.) Recognizes when it’s okay to give herself some major kitchen props (“My chopping skills are REALLY good!”).
4.) Recruits her best fans to be her audience (Note how Betsy Wetsy is so riveted by the proceedings, she doesn’t even notice the full baba staring her in the face).
5.) Already has her own catch phrase – “Tune in too-mah-woh!”

It’s true that little Chef Chiara might need to work on withholding reaction when her producer instructs her to throw to commercial, but this is a minor detail sure to worked out before her first weekend marathon.  Enjoy the birth of a future superstar.  And remember what website gave her her first big break!

Get Glue needs to offer a “No matter what anyone else says, I’ll keep watching this season of #Bachelor” sticker

Settling down with the bride to watch stupid women cry over some bloke they don’t know #bachelor @chrisbharrison #qualityentertainment

#Bachelor I’m already more attracted to Park City than any actual person on this show

#bachelor – again, these chicks are so crazy, they make Coupon Suzy look like good marriage material

#bachelor = chicks getting drunk and saying nasty things about each other. In the real world it’s called “girls night”

This mountain air is doing wonders for Ben’s greasy hair. #boringben #bachelor

“I think Ben will be happy when I say something to him.” – Someone who’s about to make a big mistake. #Bachelor

Is “fashion sales rep” the same as “annoying girl who forcibly sprays you with cologne when you’re walking through Macy’s to get to the food court?” #Bachelor

When the highlight of the date is “that’s a beaver dam,” it’s time to see what arrived from Netflix  #bachelor”

Rachel and Ben are perfectly matched – they’re both more boring than dirt #bachelor

I deserve a rose for sitting through that lame date and not changing the channel #bachelor

I’m watching a cough syrup commercial that has more sexual energy than Rachel and Ben #bachelor

Barney Rubble would make a better #Bachelor then Ben

All I know is that if they don’t pick up the pace here, I’m switching to Alcatraz at 9. A show about prison would beat #thebachelor.

Seriously, this better get better or I’m changing to something with midgets or fat people sweating #bachelor

Blakeley: “When Ben came across the river on a horse, he looked soo handsome.” Or, like a guy who’d never ridden a horse before. #Bachelor

Courtney, you’re kind of a sneaky betch but I like you. #Bachelor

Courtney is bringing #winning back. #notreally #bachelor

Courtney makes Charlie Sheen look balanced and well spoken #winning #thebachelor

tip to real people: Don’t say “winning,’ unless you’re still telling people you’re “livin la vida loca” Then I guess it’s ok – #bachelor

Ben if youre gonna teach the girls how to fly fish… You might wanna learn to fly fish yourself.. #bachelor

I never thought I’d miss those dirt cheap dates on top building in LA in the middle of the night #bachelor

what are those fishing things called they’re all wearing – the things that are blocking all their knockers from camera? I don’t like them @bachelor

this date makes me want to go fishing – like right now – instead of watching the rest of this epiosde #Bachelor

Just when you thought Courtney couldn’t be less likable. Now she smells like a fish. #Bachelor

Well, Courtney did catch a fish. But when she realized it wasn’t 90 proof and couldn’t further her modeling career she threw it back #bachelor

Courtney is giving an accurate name to Courtneys everywhere #bachelor

COURTNEY IS A FUCKING NUT #bachelor

Courtney has a weird mouth #ew #yourabitch #bachelor

what is wrong with that girl’s lip on #bachelor?

Now I don’t feel alone. Courtney has giant pores too… They even show up on tv #Bachelornation #Bachelor #TheBachelor

This chick looks like a burn victim with fetal alcohol syndrome #thebachelor

proof that women should keep their mouths shut about what they want = Samantha #bachelor

Samantha permanently looked like she’d just eaten a lemon by mistake – no loss #bachelor

DUDE SAMANTHA IS WASTED!!! #Bachelornation #Bachelor #TheBachelor

Wow, these girls are hammered. Tread lightly, Ben. #boringben #bachelor

OMG!! Samantha came off wayy to fast and desperate and that blew up soo bad #Bachelor

I feel like i’ve never seen this Samantha person before…… #Bachelor

This episode blows – the only redeeming quality is I’m getting a GetGlue sticker for watching it – #bachelor

So if #bachelor Ben picks Courtney and then watches what a bitch she is on the show, can he say “TAP TAP… Redo?”

I would rather dive head 1st, fully clothed, than wear a bikini an crotch harness to repel into a cavern. #Bachelor #thebachelor

One can only hope “@BradFollmer: This is going to end up with one of them sawing their arm off. #thebachelor”

how true RT @D_Cizzle01: @Glennia the #bachelor is so boring, I can’t even think of anything funny to tweet this season

I never thought I’d miss week after week of drunk chicks hyperventilating in the hot tub #whattup #bachelor

Did they cast this season’s #Bachelor by testing how quickly each girls personality can put you to sleep #TheBachelor #boredtotears

They need to start limiting the girls drinks, u see the drunk face thru the night & then look so confused putting words together #bachelor

Blakely: Hair stylist. VIP waitress. Actress. Shes a modern day Thomas Jefferson. #Bachelor

Ben: “I want the woman to be independent, but needing me and wanting me.” So, not independent then? #Bachelor

Is it possible to get B. Womack back on for the second half of the season? #Bachelor

I feel like the Bachelor is like Survivor, no one watches the previous seasons but goes on it and makes the same dumb mistakes #bachelor

If I already had a rose, you’d be hard pressed to talk me out of wearing my pajamas to a rose ceremony. #Bachelor

the highlight of the night was the shot of the beaver dam – #bachelor

1.) Bachelor 16-1 Recap: Winemaker Ben “Sloppylocks” Flajnik Seeks SWF to Help Squeeze His Grapes

2.) Nacho Dogs

3.) Celebrity Apprentice: Are you becoming more and more curious to see what Lil John looks like without those stupid glasses?

4.) Watching: Ringer: Pilot (The CW)

5.) Five Things I Learned From the Hollywood Arsonist OR “Cornmeal Thyme Cookies”

6.) Tv Food and Drink: Podcast #1 Featuring Sammy Davis Jr, Ann-Margret and Frank Sinatra

7.) Chipotle Chicken and Apple Pizza

8.) Dancing with the Stars: Nancy Grace Nipple Slip Twitter-Cap

9.) The Bachelor 15-5: Brad Womack and the Two We Know Are Gonna Be in the Finals

10.) Portobello Buffalo Burgers

I play a fun #Bachelor drinking game. I watch the show and I drink wine whenever I feel like it.

How do these girls talk about being in love after 1 day? Ive been married 2 my husband for 4yrs & I’m still on the fence about him #bachelor

#bachelor… Run Ben Run!

My son just came in & wanted to see if #PBS #Nova Egypt’s Golden Empire or Fabric of the Cosmos are on tonight. But I’m watching #Bachelor.

if that slut girl with the bad earrings doesn’t get kicked off next week I’m going to be pissed. #bachelor

The insanity of this show can only be matched by size 6 Jennifer Hudson singing while accompanied by size 16 Jennifer Hudson #Bachelor

Ben hugs beautiful women like we hug that creepy uncle at Thanksgiving. #boringben #bachelor

My one #bachelor tweet of the night. Ben is NOT hot. He looks like a monkey.

#Date in Sonoma… the only place in the world where you’re allowed to bring up your dead dad on Date One #Bachelor

Tying to identify with a guy by sharing dead parent vibes doesn’t work. Trust me. I’m a homosexual #bachelor

Who thought a date in Sonoma would be interesting? #Bachelor

Sonoma?  Really?  They don’t even have the McRib yet. #Bachelor

#Bachelor for a second I thought they were gonna have their first date at the Sonoma Cheese Factory!

Can we get back to the mansion, #bachelor? Any minute now I expect to see Don Knotts fumble in and accidentally shoot himself in the foot

#Bachelor this Mayberry date is so boring – where is Gomer Pyle when you FINALLY NEED HIM?

#Bachelor Sonoma should sue this episode

Kaci B might be beautiful but she wore pajamas and twirled a baton on her first date. #bachelor

What exactly is a “VIP Cocktail Waitress?” #Bachelor

If you list your job as “VIP Cocktail Waitress” …you’re on the #bachelor

Asking Blakey to jog in slow-motion might be the single greatest thing a kid has ever said on TV. #Bachelor

Poor no boob chicks lol #Bachelor

OMG Blakeley is wearing a TRAGIC romper in front of children… #Bachelor

Blakely is easily in her mid-40s. Her breasts, however, are in their early teens. #Bachelor

Blakey is totally a future bunny boiler. #bachelor

True or False?: Blakely is the type of girl who pees on the toilet seat at a bar, shrugs and walks away. #bachelor

VIP COCKTAIL WAITRESS? Sooo… Hooker? #bachelor

Is ‘VIP cocktail waitress’ code for escort or something? #Bachelor

#Bachelor – VIP Cocktail Waitress = a vagina that accepts PayPal

When an 8-year-old is commenting on your cleavage, it’s time to rethink your #Bachelor group-date outfit … #JustSayin’

OK, that’s funny. “@nprmonkeysee: A man and twelve women is not a date. It’s a Busby Berkeley number. #bachelor”

Finally. It took over 45 minutes until we had a girl crying in the bathroom. #bachelor

#Bachelor “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth” – not the first time any of these woman have heard that

#Bachelor you know it’s a boring episode when you have time to remember you need to trim your nose hairs

#Bachelor this episode had better improve.. it’s all I have

#Bachelor – This episode is so g-rated.  Did Veggie Tales take over ABC?

#Bachelor oh dear Lord Little House on the Prairie had more titilation than this

#Bachelor this ep is dull. My mind is wandering – that never happens. “What would peanut butter taste like if I ate it off my feet?”

Ben should just forget all the girls and stick to the dog #bachelor.. Scotch is adorable

#Bachelor – Is Courtney stoned? Her eyes are spinning. Seriously, Roger Rabbit would hide her bong.

Courtney is gonna poison Scotch the 1st chance she gets. #bachelor” HA! It’s how she said “he’s like a baby” all murderer-y

Courtney is def gonna poison Scotch the first chance she gets. #bachelor

Thankfully Ben and Courtney won’t be together long enough to have long stringy haired babies with fat upper lips. #Bachelor

#Bachelor how does the bachelor always know where to find the girl crying inside the clothes hamper?

you KNOW it’s a bad episode when you’re happy to see Chris Harrison arrive to hold up one finger #bachelor

no wonder these women are crazy. Clock showed 2:04am and that’s before the rose ceremony #drunkandvulernable #bachelor

Its only episode 2 and bens finding out what its like to have 20 girlfriends all with their lady time. #bachelor

I have a headache. Thanks #bachelor

#Bachelor spoiler alert! Ben offers Brad Womack the final rose.

“this is the first time I have ever been attracted to a sheep…” #bachelor

Was Ben Flajnik really the best choice for this season’s Bachelor?  On the one hand, he certainly deserves a second shot after having his heart crushed by Ashley on last season’s Bachelorette.  On the other hand, the guy demonstrates about as much charisma and passion as that old Ace of Base T-shirt we all have hanging up in our closet and refuse to throw away just in case we have to paint the garage one day.

There’s really not that much to say about old Ben, though he should at least be given some props for refusing to give up on that Sloppylocks hairstyle.  Clearly, the man let his subscription to Variety expire or else he would have known that the The Prince of Persia flopped at the box office.  Apparently ABC is planning on getting a lot of mileage out of mild-mannered Ben’s reaction shots to the 25 cray-crays who make up this season’s Crab Shack roomies.

So without further delay… let’s meet the ladies.  Which ones suffer from body dysmorphic disorder?  Who’s most likely to be the first to yack into the jacuzzi?  Who spells their name with a “double e” when a “y” would be perfectly acceptable?

And what’s with Grandma?

All your questions are about to be answered.

First out of the gate is Rachel, the Fashion Sales Rep.  The most that can be said about her is that since she was first to meet Ben, she’s presented as almost not crazy. The jury is out on her until February sweeps when we discover that she runs her own coven and is making a prairie skirt out of her younger sister’s skin.

Make way for Erika the Law Student.  She accuses Ben of being “guilty… of sexiness!”  She accompanies this insightful remark with double finger-guns and a big smile. “That was fun,” Ben moaned half-heartedly like he just sat through his little niece performing “The Peanut Butter and Jelly Song” with the Taylor Swift home microphone she got for Christmas.

This is Amber Bacon.  Her friends call her “The Baconator!”

She admitted this freely.

I don’t know much about straight guys, but I’m pretty sure they’re not super into girls who can be compared to the cured meat prepared from a pig.  But don’t go by me. The last time I kissed a girl, it was to celebrate the series finale of Cheers.

Riding in first class on the Slap-Crackers Train is NYC Blogger, Jenna. If you watched the show, you know that there’ll be more on her later. If you didn’t watch, I’ll just let you know that it has something to do with the sharing of tampons.

This is Courtney. She’s a model, and if you didn’t catch her profession the first time, fear not. Courtney throws around the word “model” as often as Chris Brown throws around first dates.

What can we say about Holly, the Pharmaceutical Sales Rep from Kentucky? She let Ben know that Kentucky is known for beautiful horses and fast women. Or maybe it was fast horses and beautiful women. Or maybe it was women with horse feet? I don’t know. I saw the hat and drifted off to when I sat next to Beatrice and Eugenia at the Royal Wedding.

It turns out the Grandma we saw in the teaser commercials isn’t actually competing on the show this season. No, Cheryl was merely on board to pimp out her grand-daughter, Brittney. Missed opportunity, Bachelor! I would have physically forced everyone I knew to tune in this season if Cheryl was truly in the running. Can you imagine all the new ground that could have been broken by the franchise? The one-on-one date where Ben and Grandma take a maroon Lincoln Continental up to the craft fair to see how shrunken apple head dolls are made, followed by a moonlight stroll outside the Dick Van Dyke museum where Ben softly sings the lyrics to “Jeepers Creepers” while Cheryl shows him how to eat half a hard candy and save the rest for later? (Hey come on… these are jokes about the budget for Bachelor dates! Not senior citizens. Dick Van Dyke is an Emmy winner, for Christ sake!)

Lyndise J. is originally from England, so apparently there’s going to be a murder mystery this season.  Hooray!   She also likes to rap.  And you probably thought there was no way to rhyme the word “Parliament.”

Monica is a Dental Consultant. What does a Dental Consultant do? I’m picturing her standing around saying things like, “Yes, that’s the perfect lead apron!” and “More than one visible Filipino behind the reception desk is just bad form.”

Shaun is a professional cheese smuggler. How she gets ‘em in is a total mystery.

And the one riding in on a horse? That was Lindzi C., the Business Development Manager. Is it just me, or is The Bachelor running out of interesting ways to get these girls into the mansion? By my calculations, it’ll be only two more seasons before they either start launching them in by catapult or forcing them to eat their way through an underground tunnel. Maybe that’d be enough to kill off Two and a Half Men.

As The First Impression Rose cocktail party got underway, Ben lumbered from woman to woman with the enthusiasm of a little boy being forced to thank all his aunts for the Bar Mitzvah gifts. Meanwhile, Blogger Jenna confronted Dental Consultant Monica about her seemingly overly-casual attitude to the proceedings, setting up this season’s inaugural “girl-on-girl conflict” story line. “I’m not here to party!” Jenna insisted, though she apparently failed to notice the Crown Royale label hanging off the end of her hair.
But I will give her this – she did seem to be right on the money about Monica, who was far less interested in wooing Ben than she was in snoodling up to VIP cocktail waitress Blakely, setting up this season’s inaugural “girl-on-girl lesbian nutbag obsession” story line.  It wasn’t long before Fashion Sales Rep Rachel brought Jenna and Monica together to iron out the differences that had etched themselves into their souls woe these past 11 minutes.  The renewal of sisterhood went something like this.

Monica: “What’s wrong?”
Jenna: “I just feel like you don’t like me.”
Monica: “I don’t know you.”
Jenna: “I know, but you act like you don’t like me.”
Monica: “I don’t know you.”
Jenna: “I know you don’t.”
Monica: “I don’t get it.”
Jenna: “Don’t make fun of me.”
Monica: “I don’t know you.  Like… you’re a girl…  you’re here.   We’re on the same terms tonight.”
Jenna: “Totally.  You’re a girl.  Maybe we can share a tampon sometime.”

Not exactly Louisa May Alcott, is it?  Monica went on to accuse Jenna of not being classy. Jenna demanded to know why Monica hated her.  Monica threatened to cut Jenna’s face off. Jenna ran off to the bathroom and had a screaming match with herself in the mirror, which leads me to wonder… did we actually need 25 women this time around?  It would appear Jenna has enough personalities on her own to single-handedly fill out the entire season herself, along with next season, and a few years of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant to boot!

As for the First Impression Rose, Sloppylocks gave it to Horse Rider Lindsie C.  He told her he was giving it to her because she came across as funny and down-to-earth, though who wouldn’t look like that after spending any amount of time in the same room with Jenna-In-The-Box?

Jenna whimpered and limped back from gnawing on a toilet paper roll in the bathroom long enough to join the rest of her besties for the Rose Ceremony.  She amazingly snagged herself a ticket to Week Two (though did you really expect they’d get rid of her that quickly?) along with Fashion Sales Rep Rachel, “Object of My Lesbian Affection” Blakely, “Nana Loves Me” Britney, Cheese Smuggler Shaun, “Did You Hear I’m a Model?” Courtney, and 12 other lucky lonelyhearts.

And among those swept out of the Crab Shack faster than Happy Feet 2 was swept out of the theaters:

“Baconater” Amber: “There’s only ONE Amber Bacon!”

British Super-Sleuth Lindsey J.: “I feel like such a loser!  Such an absolute failure!”

And this girl.  We know next to nothing about her.  ”What did I do wrong?”

And there’s your 2011 Bachelor cast!  In other life developments, tonight my boyfriend discovered that the man arrested for the Hollywood arsons was his next door neighbor!

My twitter buddy, @CraftChat, couldn’t have put it any better: “Crime doesn’t pay, but the promise of a rose?  Priceless!”

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It has come to my attention that the claws are coming out. #bachelor

How is it possible that there’s 2 chicks named Kacie on this show? #boringben #bachelor

The #bachelor host is the real creeper in this franchise

A man’s worst nightmare would be getting stuck in a room with 25 chicks who want to marry him. #Bachelor

I can’t be certain, but I think some of these ladies are in the adult film industry. #Bachelor

Are bangs back? Please say no. #bachelor

Does walmart have a #Bachelor fashion section? #gongshow

#Bachelor – Chris just said Ben’s last name – I FINALLY KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE IT!!!

#bachelor – I’m fairly certain the last book any of these people read had a little mouse for a protagonist

#bachelor – all new drama, same bad hair

This guy has the personality of a stew-pot. #bachelor

This season on the #Bachelor: Ben dies in a helecopter crash in episode two. Constantine fills in. Nobody notices.

Tonight’s #bachelor is brought to us by fairy tales and exorcism.

if I married a wine maker I’d be permadrunk……for free #perfectlife #bachelor

3 minutes in, and he’s Pavelka-ing already! #overrailing #bachelor

Clearly, the reason I’m single is because I haven’t been wearing my Pageant sash on my first dates. #Bachelor

My prediction: Jenna is going to make it all the way…to Bachelor Pad. #bachelor

Oh Jenna…girlfriend’s drunk. #Bachelor

New #bachelor drinking game! Every time the model says she’s a model……DRINK!

what if he gave the first impression rose to the granny? #Bachelor

#Grandma thought this year’s #Bachelor was Karl Malden.

“i bet she doesnt even have a dog, she just giggled that.”haha my mom says the funniest things when we watch the #bachelor

hahaha “i’m an accountant…so there are 24 girls here. there’s one more to come.” GOOD JOB ACCOUNTANT. so glad you can count. #bachelor

This bitch on the horse…. I hate her already #Bachelor #vomit

Nice of Vienna to make an appearance in this episode… weird to see someone riding her like that, though. #boringben #bachelor

Oh Shawn, that dress gives you quite the badonkadonk. Not a compliment. #bachelor

junk in da trunk in green……. #bachelor

The jolly green giant just punched Ben in the arm! #seriously #Bachelor

What Not to Wear could have a marathon from these #Bachelor dresses. #deargod

#bachelor – my sister just tweeted “And so it begins… 12 minutes!” She thought it started at 9 haha Sister Fail

Ben evidently did not watch Fatal Attraction #Jenna #Bachelor

I think Jenna drank a little too much wine. She would drink all Ben’s wine and put him out of business!

ABC is no fool. Keep all the crazy girls and people will watch the show. #Bachelor

Maybe I’m just OCD but the hanger straps poking out on the dresses are really annoying me #Bachelor #Bachelornation

I like how the host has to come out & hold up a finger to indicate to the girls that there’s only 1 (this many girls!) rose left. #Bachelor

He sent Bacon home? But why? Everyone loves Bacon. #Bachelor

No rose for The Baconator. Guess Ben is kosher. #bachelor

If there is a west coast spray tan, glitter, and false eyelash shortage we now totally know why. #Bachelor

The more I think about it, The #Bachelor is a helluva lot like The #HungerGames.

Girls are fucked #bachelor

Welcome to dumpsville…population: Cowballs. Wait, what? #Bachelor

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If Dancing with the Stars were the ongoing battle for the lead in the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, Rob Kardashian would be the Newt Gingrich

Like an Armenian tortoise with a degree from USC and a booty that can ride two zip codes at once, Rob Kardashian has snuck up on this season’s DWTS competition without much of a notice, and looks poised for a possible upset victory tomorrow night.

Check out his freestyle performance below (his score is there as well for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet.

Len: “You’ve just given your all.”

Carrie Ann Inaba: Consider me blown away.”

Bruno: “You peaked at the RIGHT time.”

SCORE: A PERFECT 30

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If you look very very carefully, you might just catch the product placement in J-Lo’s performance.

And I remember thinking how out of control it was back in 1986 when Wang Chung dared to include their own name in  ”Everybody Have Fun Tonight.” How far we’ve come.

Had the Fiat just rolled onto stage at the end and whisked her off, I don’t think I would have felt so dirty for having tuned in. But when a car that looks like a big toe on wheels comes off cooler in the performance than the person actually performing, everyone should be worried.

Video below.  And right now, somewhere in Hollywood, a network executive is sitting on their couch, working up a preliminary budget for the next big television phenomenon: Dancing with the Datsuns.

Thanks J-Lo.

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Sebastian Compagnucci (a.k.a. “The Rambling Crab”) argues why actors should turn in their union cards when their defining roles come to an end.

This week has been all about change. We get caught in our day-to-day routine, completely oblivious to the world until something drastic throws a wrench in the mix. I’ve been hearing people bitch about “change” a lot lately. People now hate Facebook because of their recent dashboard updates, Google+ seems to be gaining surprising popularity, and I just discovered the newly altered state of Verizon Fios’ menu layout – oh, the horror.

I don’t think anyone necessarily has a problem with change itself, rather the need to potentially learn something new in order to properly adapt to the change. Take Facebook for example – when I feel as though I’ve finally mastered the latest updates, completely new and complicated upgrades derail my progress. Everyone exclaims, “I want to opt out of the new changes.” Unfortunately folks, do we ever really have a choice when things change in our lives? You get dumped by your boyfriend or girlfriend, you get fired from your job, or your favorite TV show gets cancelled – bummer.

You can imagine my dismay when my favorite TV actors/actresses went on to star in movies or shows other than the one I’ve associated them with since the beginning of time. TV cancellations are like unexpected breakups – they catch you off guard and you can’t do anything to get it back. I feel as though I experience the 5 Stages of Grief after each cancellation:

1. Denial: “Nope, LOST isn’t ending. It’ll DEFINITELY be back for a 7th season. EVERYONE loves LOST.”

2. Anger: “LOST stole 6 years of my life and they didn’t even answer all my damn questions about the island!!”

3. Bargaining: “If I write to J.J. Abrams and tell him how much I love LOST, he’ll definitely produce a new season, right?”

4. Depression: “I need to go back to the island. I need to go back!!!”

5. Acceptance: … still hasn’t happened.

So this made me think, who are some of the actors I will forever associate with the characters they played regardless of any other role they play in the future. Change is hard people, and I have yet to accept the fact that all of these characters are gone for good.

This is..

The Rambling Crab’s Top 5 List of Actors I Refuse to Acknowledge Play Any Other Role Other Than The Character I Came to Know and Love Regardless of The Shows Untimely Cancellation:

#5: James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano in “The Sopranos”

Gandolfini played a REALLY lame character in A Civil Action. Just another reason why certain actors should never agree to play a role other than the one that made them famous. Take his character from A Civil Action and insert him into The Sopranos and you have the makings for one great story line. Tony Soprano would hunt down and kill his own character for being a snitch, all while enjoying a delicious prosciutto sandwich.

#4: Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

Remember when kicking vampire ass used to be cool? Nowadays they sparkle in the sun light and have an undeniable ability to make 12 year old girls tremble in their training bras. Yes, I am fully aware that Buffy had a vamp boyfriend on the show. But didn’t her weekly vampire kill-count totally make up for it? I think so.

#3: Ed O’neill as Al Bundy in “Married With Children”


And women wonder why men aren’t romantic? You know how men always say that women love bad boys? Ed O’Neill proved that the more time you spend with your hand in your pants and the less time you spend paying attention to your wife actually makes her want you more! Who knew.

#2: Elizabeth Berkley as Jessie Spano in “Saved By The Bell”


It’s like when your best friend’s little sister grows up to be smokin’ hot and it’s awkward because she’s kind of like your little sister too. This is the torment I experience every time I try to watch Elizabeth Berkley in “Showgirls.”

#1: Terry O’Quinn as John Locke in “LOST”

You knew this was coming, didn’t you? Why is Terry O’Quinn ranked #1 on my list? Because he played not one, but two amazing characters all on the same show. How’s that for talent? I beg Terry O’Quinn to retire now UNLESS (1) J.J Abrams produces Season 7, or (2) a LOST movie is made.

Who are some of the actors you’ve come to know and love because of one specific role they played? Losing a quality character is like losing a loved one. After a while they start to feel like family.

About the author:
Sebastian Compagnucci, aka The Rambling Crab, can be found at his personal website blogging about news, entertainment, movies and more!

Follow him on Twitter: @ramblingcrab

This article was originally posted at The Rambling Crab on Ocotber 6, 2011

Despite the fact that she is paired with what my friend Michelle politely refers to as “the hottest ass ever to come out of Ireland” (otherwise known as Tristan MacManus), Nancy Grace appears to be in serious jeopardy tonight after performing a jive (at least that’s what they referred to it as) on tonight’s Halloween-themed Dancing with the Stars.

Remember when were a kid and your school had “Parent Night,” and your frumpy third grade teacher got up in front of the entire student body and danced around with a silly, gung-ho amateurishness while singing “You’re the One That I Want” at the top of her lungs with the janitor and the priest that got arrested years later for having ten thousand kiddie porn photos on his laptop?

It was a lot like that. That shocking moment you have as a child when you realize that even at the age of eight, there are already some adults on the planet you’re cooler than.

I will say this for her… she outlasted Chaz.

Click below for the video.

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