Finals Night on Dancing with the Stars has arrived. The three remaining celebrities and their professional partners will have three final dance opportunities (two tonight, one tomorrow) to impress the judges and win over your votes. The winner of Season 14 will be revealed tomorrow night LIVE!

William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Dance #1 – Cha Cha

Len: “As good as I’ve ever seen in 14 seasons”
Bruno: “An intoxicating Cuban cocktail!”
Carrie Ann: “Clean, sharp, defined. You have grown miles!”

SCORE: 30/30

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Dance #1 – Paso Doble

Bruno: “Technical brilliance!”
Carrie Ann: “It’s like watching a prima ballerina. Every movement perfectly executed.”
Len: “Fabulous!”

SCORE: 30/30

Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd – Dance #1 – Argentine Tango

Carrie Ann: “I loved it the first time and I loved it again!”
Len: “As always the lifts were great. For me, it was a tad careful. I’d have liked you to have gone at it a little stronger.”
Bruno: “You went for the subtle and intimate. I could read everything in the story, and it was very very effective.”

SCORE: 29/30

William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Dance #2 – Freestyle

Len: “I liked it, but it was too predictable. All you do is shake your butt and get the women screaming!”
Bruno: “You were like two devils unleashed upon the Earth! Sinful but ever so good”
Carrie Ann: “That was just exactly what a freestyle should be!”

SCORE: 29/30

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Dance #2 – Freestyle

Bruno: “I have never seen so much content, so fast, so well-executed. You were on the money all the way ”
Carrie Ann: “That was the dance of a champion. You are a champion”
Len: “If I’m asleep and dreaming, don’t wake me up. That was a freestyle!”

SCORE: 30/30

Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd – Dance #2 – Freestyle

Carrie Ann: “This is by far my favorite finals. And that is, by far, my favorite dance tonight!”
Len: “Fantastic!”
Bruno: “A country-inspired TRIUMPH!”

SCORE: 30/30

HIGH SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Katherine and Mark with 60/60

LOW SCORE OF THE NIGHT: William and Cheryl tied with Donald and Peta, each with 59/60

Written by Johnny Mansbach for Tv Food and Drink

THEON GREYJOY
Fresh from the glorious triumph of his sadistic little Stark-B-Que… Theon has proclaimed himself our episode’s title.

If torching toddlers was just a cry for help to get daddy’s attention, it worked. Theon’s butch sis, Yara, has come to Winterfell with 30 soldiers. Yara has come to collect the child-murdering prince for Daddy Balon from the Pyke. Since word of the Stark boys’ demise has spread throughout Westeros, every man in the north wants to see the Prince’s freckled melon hanged. Bad Theon! Daddy is NOT happy.

JON SNOW
Deep in the Frostfangs, far north of The Wall, the wildling Ygritte has led the unsuspecting Jon into an ambush by her fashionable people. Sorry to take you out of it, but damn, Iceland is beautiful. Okay, back to Westeros… Jon is reunited with Quorin Halfhand and another captive party of the Black that were also captured while returning to find him.

Quorin cocks up a plan that inexplicably involves throwing Jon down a snow bank. WTF? Did it work? We’ll have to stay tuned for next week to find out!

ROBB STARK
Robb Stark enjoys long walks along the beach, promising his mommy he’d marry a noble Frey woman in order to access a bridge, and lusting after another noblewoman: the Lady Talisa Maegyr, local paramedic and supermodel. Robb talks with Talisa about his daddy, dead Ned.

Lady Talisa shares with the eager king how her brother drowned when she was young. Talisa witnessed an Atlantean slave give him some sort of ten thousand year-old Atlantean CPR and brought him back to life. She’s wanted to saw off mutilated body parts ever since; her part in the war effort…

The story is so beautiful and heartwarming that they’re suddenly straight up naked and getting some Yum-Time on the wooden floor. Uh, when should we tell mom about the bridge…?

With the sexy, good news comes the ugly, bad: the Kingslayer is gone… Catelyn freed him. WTF? Lord Karstark wants vengeance on Jaime Lannister for killing his son in the cage. So now he sees Catelyn as a traitor. Robb agrees and boldly has his mother arrested. Why, Mom, why? She said she made a deal with Jaime Lannister to immediately free her daughters Sansa and Arya. Robb thinks something stinks… Although, to be fair, he just got off of Talisa… Hmm…

JAIME LANNISTER
Under Catelyn’s orders, the bold and not-intended-to-be beautiful Brienne of Tarth has tossed the Kingslayer in a sack and brought him to a riverbank. Brienne loads him into a boat as he begs the giant heroine to fight him without restraints. Too smart, the pale paladin throws the wicked warrior into a boat and rows up the river. No one knows where they are…

ARYA STARK
In the dreary dungeon castle that is Harrenhal, Arya listens to Tywin’s war counselors talk about their forthcoming actions against her brother Robb. Tywin gives the command they will ride out at night to find and kill Robb. Arya is assigned to stay back with Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane in charge of the castle.  Desperate to fulfill her third and final death wish, Arya looks for her secret weapon Jaqen H’ghar to come through, but he is out of the city.

When he returns Arya scolds Jaqen for missing his opportunity to kill Tywin before he left to execute his terrible plans. She gives her final name of “Jaqen H‘ghar” to Jaqen. Taking his oath to kill any three people she names, Jaqen is mortified. He convincers her to unname him in return for helping Arya and her friends escape and get to her brother Robb. He agrees and tells her to walk through the gates at midnight.

Meanwhile, later at midnight; Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie walk out the front gates of the dilapidated castle—tiptoeing over the mutilated dead bodies—compliments of the incredibly hardworking Jaqen H’ghar.

TYRION LANNISTER
The most sensible little-person in all of Westeros talks with Bronn about his dress code. The clever imp wants his newly appointed leader to wear a gold cloak and stop cleaning his fingernails at the table. The fork-tongued advisor Varys enters.

The three argumentative men talk about Stannis’s plan to invade the Mud-Gate. Sounds a little nasty, but hey, what they do on their own time is none of my business.

When the little Lord Tyrion visits his sister Cersei, the vile queen springs a ruse on her little, little brother. Cersei reveals she’s kidnapped Tyrion’s longtime love Shae in retaliation for Tyrion’s dispatching of Cersei’s only daughter Myrcella. She makes clear that Shae will be killed if Joffrey is hurt in any way.

But when the dapper dwarf asks his sister to prove Shae is alive, the ruse is up. Cersei brings out her captive and it’s not Shae. Although relieved, Tyrion keeps up the charade that it is, promising to free the ill-fated prostitute.

Tyrion runs to his BFF Shae and professes his love for her, stating, “You’re mine.” She reciprocates his vow and becomes the happiest hooker in all of King’s Landing.

Later, little King Joffrey McBitchslap brags to his uncle Tyrion how he will easily defeat Stannis.

Varys announces that one Targaryen child, Daenerys, is alive in Essos. Then the two agree to use pig crap as a weapon against Stannis.

THE MEN OF THE BLACK
Elsewhere, we catch a quick glimpse of Jon’s “brothers” of the Black as they dig up some sword-marked graves in the snow. They discuss they likelihood that Quorin and Jon are both dead, then uncover giant stone carvings that were engraved by “The First Men”. Under the carvings are sacks filled with “dragon stone” (apparently that’s obsidian.) But who left it here? And why? And when will we find out? This medieval soap is good! I’m half waiting for Susan Lucci to make an appearance, bearing a small bow, while donning a moose-skin cloak.

STANNIS BARATHEON
Ser Davos talks with his elusive Lord Stannis about his childhood thirsting for to be king enough to challenge his brothers. Stannis implies that Davos’ role in arranging the kill of Renly Baratheon was vital and declares Davos will be the Hand of the King when he soon sits on the Iron Throne.

DAENERYS TARGARYEN
Waaaaay across the Narrow Sea, Dany’s loyal knight Ser Jorah passionately pleas for her to flee Qarth in a ship he’s secured. Dany convinces her clandestine boy-toy that the dragons are her children and she’ll not leave Qarth without them. She strokes his face. Ser Jorah agrees to find her dragons in the House of the Undying, then immediately sniffs his own face.

BURNT OFFERINGS
In an extremely cathartic turn, we discover what the sneaky old geezer Maester Luwin has learned: the destroyed bodies were not those of his little Starks. He furtively rejoins Osha and Hodor, hiding in a barn, all-the-while protecting little Bran and Rickon, quite alive and still super cute. And those other little charred bodies hanging from the gates…? Just some farmer’s children! But NOT the Stark boys. So… phew. Don’t worry, the farmer’s dead too… so no harm/no foul?

Only 2 more episodes left in this incredible season. With one king down and an imminent attack at the gates of King’s Landing… who will make the next move in this Game of Thrones?

As for me, I was giving the “swirly” to my television about 25 minutes into this episode.

This new format of dividing the competitors into three smaller teams, each led by a celebrity mentor has proven itself, in only two episodes, to be a critical mis-step for the show.  Here’s why:

1.) I said it last week, and I’ll say it again… I DON’T CARE OF GIADA BEATS BOBBY, OR IF BOBBY BEATS ALTON.  They each make more money at a Saturday Barnes and Noble signing than I do all year.  Short of threatening to give their kids Mike Tyson face tattoos if they lose, I will never believe any of them care anything about “the win.”

2.) Breaking the 15 competitors into smaller teams of five, I feel, has taken out a great chunk of the intimidation factor.  Think about it… what would make you sweat more… going up against a gang of 4, or a gang of 14?

Watching these competitors scream obscenities at one another as they fight over the meager amounts of ingredients on hand in what has got to be the worst stocked kitchen in all of television is a huge part of the fun.  I like seeing the challenges bring out the worst in these players.

But because of this new format, each team is separated from one another for almost the entire episode, so they don’t even get to lay eyes on the very people they’re told to compete against, much less insult them, trip them as they’re running across the kitchen, or over-salt their bouillabaisse when no one’s looking.

Even worse, within the teams there seems to be a slowly blossoming “support mentality” taking hold.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to watch these contestants help one another and offer consoling shoulders when they under-perform.  I want to see the 1950s telephone operator push a carving knife up against Rock and Roller’s throat for swiping the last parsnip off her work station.  I want to see Pucker Lips Justin rip that irritating nose ring out of Michele’s face.  I want raised voices and words like “backstabber” and “manipulator” tossed about freely.  I don’t need to watch a group of people suppress their petty jealousies and pretend to get along with each other for two full hours.  I’ve got family holidays for that.

3.) Where’s our villain?  Last season, we had that fabulous “Bitch on Wheels” Penny.  I can’t say I ever once wanted her to win, but I relished hating her for enough episodes so that I could ultimately take great satisfaction when the judges finally knocked her legs out from under her.  We have no one even approaching that spot so far this season.  I got the impression last week either Nikki or Martita might be heading for the “love to hate” title, but everyone is so isolated from one another, there’s no opportunity for them to even work up enough venom to spit.

In short, there’s an appalling lack of drama on this season’s Food Network Star, and the blame can be pointed squarely at the decision to copy the “celebrity mentor” format of NBC’s The Voice.  Hopefully, it will be rectified soon and the remaning competitors will be merged back into one giant dysfunctional ball… competing in a space that’s just a little too small for them, with the heat turned up just a little too high, and the kitchen floors greased just enough with an invisible layer of Crisco.  Otherwise, it’s going to be a long, painful season for all of us.

Challenge #1 - Each team is assigned a different New York neighborhood known for a specific type of cuisine.  After visiting each neighborhood, each contestant must return to the kitchen and create a dish inspired by it, then present it to the judges and a group of guinea pig “test-eaters” on a local bus tour.

Here are the highlights:

Justin has pretty lips, but no personality and likes to dress like a 1970′s wedding DJ.

1950s Phone Operator Emily forgets to eat and nearly throws up on everyone during her bus presentation.

Martie still likes to party.

Michele goes on and on about how much she hates “bottom-feeding” catfish, then makes a bunch of it and pretends to like it to trick other people into eating it.

Judson gets assigned pickles as his dish’s main ingredient.  Alton tells him to “embrace the pickle.”  Everyone purses their lips and looks down at their feet.

Kara gets nervous while presenting and refers to “African Americans” as “blacks,” which makes Judge Susie Fogelson wince.  Also, her chicken and waffles dish tasted like she got it out of the frozen food section at the Piggly Wiggly.

Linkie is afraid to make cannolis.

Yvan makes a mozzarella anitpasti that has no flavor.

Josh plans to “rock and roll” his Italian sausage story, but instead presents a meandering 15 minute narrative that has something to do with how Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci first met. Everyone is bored, and Giada promises never again to pick someone for the show because of his cute butt and super-cool sideburns.
Judge Bob announces that Martita is “just so likable!”  Everyone purses their lips and looks down at their feet.

In the end, the members of Team Giada won the Bus Challenge and were all saved from elimination.  Heading to the Producer’s Challenge Elimination Cook-off were Kara and Judson. Their final challenge was to create an interesting dish with – I kid you not – potatoes.  Not sweet potatoes, not Himalayan Wombat Potatoes, not Mr. Potato Head dolls. Just plain old potatoes. And there was still thirty minutes to go.

Kara made twice-baked potatoes “with a twist!”  What was the grand mysterious M. Night Shyamalan element to her meal, you may ask?  Was it that they were creamy?  Was it that she added bacon?  Was it that her mommy makes them for her every year on her birthday?

It was never made clear.

Regardless, Judge Bob loved it, though Susie pointed out that when Kara presents her food, she uses hollow words like “fantastic” and “great” way too much.

Meanwhile, Judson made potatoes encrusted with salmon and mascarpone and goat cheese.  The title alone should have secured him the win over Kara right then and there.

Bob said that the meal wasn’t memorable because the salmon was really the star instead of the potato.  Susie said that it was layered and soulful, but that Judson lacks authenticity when he’s presenting his food, and comes off as if he’s talking to a room full of thousands.

Judson cried.  Susie was not having it.  That woman is made of stone, I tell ya!  I love her!
In the end, “Don’t Say Blacks” Kara was the one who took the long walk of shame through the darkened Food Network Star kitchen… the one that never has any butter on hand when the challenge that week is “Make Something Spectacular with Butter!”

Poor Kara didn’t seem too surprised that the axe fell on her neck.  Though the judges saw potential, they couldn’t find anything “unique” that would make them want to watch any more. When they said that, I pursed my lips, looked down at my feet, and prayed for a reversal of fortune on next week’s Food Network Star.

Ashleigh Butler, 17, trained her pet dog, Pudsey – a border collie, bichon frise and Chinese crested cross – to jump, spin and parade around on his back legs – for a duo dance routine accompanied by the theme of TV’s Mission Impossible. The act was enough to take the title of grand champ of this season’s Talent, and Ashleigh scooped up a £500,000 prize. That’s roughly $790,000 in U.S. dollars.

I’m packing up my things and my cat, Z, who gives high fives on command, and booking it for London as I write this.

Video of Ashely and Pudsey below, followed by Z.  It’s at least good enough for second place, wouldn’t you agree?

THE COUPLE WHO LEFT TONIGHT WAS…

Oh, and the daughter.  Yeah, that deadweight kid is still hanging around.  And her name is still “Little Ricki.”  And her fancy pink playroom is still bigger than my entire apartment!

You have to believe that Southern-bred “Mama Homespun” will display nothing but exemplary behavior all season long, in the same way she did on the Big Bad Bromack’s season of The Bachelor a couple years ago.  After all, baby is watching!

So, there’ll be no lap dances… no booby flashing… no vodka snorting… no trying to fish dead leaves out of the hot tub with her ass cheeks… and most likely, no screaming at herself incoherently in the bathroom mirror.  You know, all the things we loved most about Ashley the Girl Dentist.

None of that’s going down this season.

So go put on yer “watchin’ pants.”  This here’s a classy Bachelorette, folks!

And if we know we can’t count out any naughty behavior from the lady, I’m going to take it on faith that this year’s crop of muscle-baboon-douche-bags are going to be so crass, callous and dense, they’ll make Bentley Williams look like Oskar Schindler.

And the first confirmation of this theory rolled in a little after 7pm my time from my sister in D.C., who sent me this telling text:

No need for me to even ask what she was referring to. We’ve been talking about tonight for weeks. She’s the only person who knows I did extra crunches this morning and had TWO protein smoothies to make sure I looked good for the season premiere. So, when I asked her if she’d give me any hints to whet my appetite, she followed up with this:

Well, that’s certainly got my curiosity piqued.  So here we go!  Our sweet potato Emily is in place.  She’s got the little tater tot in tow! Time to back up the meat wagon and see what sticks to her ribs! Welcome to Season 8 of The Bachelorette!

Let’s start things off with Tony, the lumber trader and single dad looking for love.  I have to assume this is not the first Bachelorette to feature a guy showing up with a glass Cinderella slipper for m’lady.  If it is, the producers certainly have been asleep at the wheel.  Oh, and by the way.  Tony is shredded like a bag of Kraft taco cheese on top a julienne salad.  Don’t believe me?

Say hello to David, the singer-songwriter. He’s the sensitive intellectual type who, in his brief intro, employed the words, “ineffable” “quintessence” and “disparate” – all of which I had to look up in order to make sure I was spelling them properly here.  When not composing music, David enjoys a bi-monthly indulgence in mild calisthenics, as evidenced here.

 Hey, I don’t make up the rules on how to get more hits to my website. I just play by ‘em!

Charlie is 32 and enjoys keeping his shirt on, chatting with this bulldog, and banging on the titanium plate in his head.

Nope, I’m not shitting you.  Charlie was standing on a balcony that collapsed and sent him to the ER with a severe brain injury.  I’m talking a really, really severe brain injury. He actually thinks that bulldog is Meredith Vieira, and that he’s only one question away from the million dollars!

Good news!  Arie is young, single and hot!  Bad news.  Arie is also a race car driver. As all experienced Bachelor and Bachelorette fans know, Emily’s deceased fiancé was a race car driver too.  This could prove to be extremely uncomfortable and painful for Emily. Somewhere, the producers of The Bachelorette are twirling their mustaches and feeding orphan kittens to their Doberman.

Hey, look gang!  It’s “Doug the Hugger” from Seattle.  Next.

Here comes this season’s corn-dog!  Joe is a Field Energy Advisor who wobbles back and forth excitedly like he’s in the middle of giving birth to a supermodel, and has consumed enough energy drinks to supply power to all of Finland!

Aaron is a biology teacher who looks just like a guy I dated once who made me pay for everything, pointed out all my zits, and generally treated me badly, so I love him.

Alessandro is a Grain Merchant from Brazil!  I know what you’re thinking… ANOTHER grain merchant from Brazil?  Seen one, seen ‘em all, right?

This is Jef.
Jef with one “f.”
And a skateboard.
He says he doesn’t know why, but people tend to not take him seriously

It’s MC Stevie!  MC Stevie never goes anywhere without his boom box!  MC Stevie thinks Jennifer Beals is super bitchin’!  MC Stevie is totally stoked they’ve invented Accutane! MC Stevie is this close to figuring out his Rubik’s Cube, and is really hoping Luke and Laura eventually find their way to each other.

Special Guest Appearance by Jonathan Winters.

When a guy first meets you and says, “All my friends call me ‘Wolf’!” it’s best not to let him know you have a six year old daughter.

Travis thought he’d break the ice with that old chestnut from Dating 101: “So you’re probably wondering why I’m holding this egg.”

Last but not least, arriving via helicopter, is Kalon, the luxury brand consultant and guy who apparently believes every girl wants to fall into the arms of the title character from American Psycho.

WHEW!  I don’t know about you, but I’m super horned up tired already.  I can’t wait to see what happens next!

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

As The Bachelorette season premiere gets thirty minutes less air time than The Bachelor season premiere,  Emily really needed to get a wiggle on.  There really wasn’t much time to set any too many conflicts.  No one likes Kalon, who described himself as a “hopeless romantic” but that everyone else called “helicopter guy.”  Boy, the competition to be witty with the guys is fierce this year, isn’t it?

As for the First Impression Rose, that went to Doug the Hugger, who played the best hand anyone could possibly think of to snag the attentions of our fair Homespum.  He had his son, Austin, write a letter directly to Emily telling her how his daddy tucks him in every night, gives him lots of big hugs and is always being funny.  Homespun’s heart was melted by the touching letter and she just couldn’t wait to pin that rose onto Doug’s lapel.

I myself am still suspicious, mostly because the last line of the letter read,  “P.S.  My daddy has no STD’s, is hung like a bull elephant, and only requires anal on month-aversaries!”

And before you know it, we’re at the Rose Ceremony.  Among those given a pass to next week were Helicopter Guy Kalon, Race Car Arie, Metal Head Charlie, Jef with one F, Corn Dog Joe, My Ex-Boyfriend Aaron, John the “Wolf,” Kraft Taco Cheese Tony, and Ostrich Egg Travis.

And sent packing – well, actually they weren’t around long enough to un-pack… nevertheless we won’t have the following dudes to kick around anymore.

Brent the Technology Salesman, who, when asked about finding love, replied.. ”at my age… with six kids… not a high probability.”

Jean-Paul the Marine Biologist : ”It felt like my heart fell on the floor and got trampled.”

And Jackson, the Fitness Model.  Jackson the Fitness Model knows the “First Rule” of Bachelorette: Always Be Auditioning for Bachelor Pad.

Whew… the first Rose Ceremony is always the toughest, but I’m feeling like Emily’s really got a shot at finding the man of her dreams.  What about you?  Looking ahead, we’ve got… castles, kilts, archery, cliff diving, and Dolly Parton… as Homespun Emily continues her search to find her great Southern Comfort.

All in a day’s work when you’re The Bachelorette!

But as the season moves along, and the more amusing dead weight is slowly pared away, I’m sadly left with very little to mock.  Remember Martina Navratilova and her “back end of horse” pants?  Tiger-faced Jack Wagner?  The way Melissa Gilbert used to slog around the room with misery plastered across her face as if mad scientists were threatening to inject her with smallpox if she didn’t score at least a 7 each week?

Those were the days.  I was like a dog with a bowl full of T-bones – so may choices for where to plant my fangs, I just wanted to roll over onto my back and wiggle on the rug until I accidentally gave myself an erection in front of company.

Well, those days are long gone.  We’ve got nothing left but the crème de la crème, and though the judges say it every single year, it’s actually true that this season, we’ve got the best four teams ever entering into tonight’s competition!

There’ll be no dog erections tonight.

William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Dance #1 –  Tango  - It’s my opinion that William’s good looks have gotten in the way of his getting the credit he deserves for his talent and ability.  But it’s the same all over for guys like William, Jon Hamm, David Beckham and myself – we’re just too darn good looking to be given credit for the million and one other ways we also outshine everyone we know.

William plus a tango equals an opportunity to show off a snarly machismo while whipping Cheryl Burke around the room like a wet rag in a musical number set at a car wash. William did not disappoint.  Cheryl’s gonna need to double up on her chiropractic visits after tonight.

Bruno: “No doubt who was on top. You were like the DICTATOR of the tango!”
Len: “I’ve not been so excited since my mum put me in long trousers! This is gonna be the best semi-finals ever.  Overall, it was terrific!”
Carrie Ann: “You dance so beautifully! Such a great combination of charm and passion and sensuality.”

SCORE:    28/30 

Dance #2 was the Samba.

Bruno: “You’ve entered the pleasure zone! I’m gonna die with “bum envy!”
Len: “I’ve never looked at a man’s bum for so long in my life!”
Carrie Ann: “You lived up to every expectation. Your bounce was more like a THRUST!”

SCORE:    30/30 –  

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:   58/60 –  

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Dance #1 was the Quick Step – Despite her lackluster performance last week resulting in her lowest scores in a month, Katherine and her naughty bits are still my pick for this season’s mirror ball.  Katherine could give the pros on the show a run for the money.  And she could most definitely kick the shit out of “The Troupe.”

SCORE:   29/30 –  

Dance #2 was a Salsa, and as has become the standard for Katherine, it was a knock out… until the final five seconds.  Wow!

SCORE:    27/30 –  

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:    56/60 –  

Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd – Dance #1 – Waltz – I personally prefer Donald in a sleeveless t-shirt and red chinos.  I think the man “shakes” better than he “glides.”  That means, he may be at a distinct disadvantage getting stuck with the waltz.  He doesn’t look bad by any means, but he’s not good enough to outshine his partner with the slower dances, thereby making it nearly impossible for him to steal the show.  As Bruno mentioned in his comments, “It’s much harder to impress with a waltz.”  Remember that, kids before you head to the front of the classroom for show and tell.

SCORE:    28/30 

Dance #2 was a Samba

SCORE:    29/30 

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:   57/60 –  

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough – Dance #1 Argentine Tango – Well, I haven’t really been a fan of Maria all season, so there’s no reason to start now, even though I really did like this dance.  It would probably be the classy thing to do to give Maria some credit for the wonderful execution in this tango, but I don’t want to start a new precedent this deep into May Sweeps. So, I’ll just congratulate Maria for never having an accidental nip slip and thank Derek for cutting his pants tighter and tighter across his ass with each successive week.

SCORE:  30/30 

Dance #2 was the Jive

SCORE:  29/30 

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:   29 /60 –  

HICH SCORE OF THE NIGHT:    Derek and Maria

LOW SCORE OF THE NIGHT:   Mark and a seemingly-injured Katherine

WHO’S GOING HOME? Sorry, Donald,  You got stuck with the waltz and you’re paired with someone from “The Troupe.”  If that doesn’t spell the end of the line, I don’t know what does.

See you next week for the finals!

Written by Johnny Mansbach for Tv Food and Drink

THEON GREYJOY
We pick up the morning after the seductively soiled wildling Osha has bedded Prince Theon. He wakes in the morning to find he is alone. And probably has crabs. Osha has fled Winterfell with the little Stark Lords Bran and Rickon on the back of the half-wit giant Hodor. HODOR!

After losing the scent of the boys, Theon throws a tantrum and beats up one of his insolent men. He’s clearly itching to unbridle his brute violence to show he is a leader. Or maybe he’s just itching from the crabs.

Maester Luwin has protected the young Starks his entire life. After Theon spots the Maester lurking nearby, he suspects the old man is hiding the boys… somewhere on a nearby farm…

JON SNOW
Jon is still lost, traveling far north of the wall in the Frostfangs with his wildling captive Ygritte. He has an historical conversation about the “land of the first men” with Ygritte, who is more interested in discussing Jon’s newly revealed virginity.

Ygritte teases Jon mercilessly, baiting him to lose his virginity to her. But it’s a ruse to lure him into her territory where Jon finds himself surrounded by dozens of unnerving wildlings… Will they know how valuable this Stark boy is? Based on Jon’s prideful ramblings to Ygritte regarding being the son of Ned Stark—probably so.

ARYA STARK
At Harrenhal, Arya overhears The Mountain report he’s hung 20 men while looking for the assassin that nearly made it to Tywin’s quarters. It was Arya’s assassin (fulfilling her second of three death wishes.)

Lord Tywin extends Arya even more luxuries. He discusses his family legacy with her as she slurps on a bowl of mutton soup. Distracted by his story, he turns his back to her. She slides a knife into her unseen hand. She’s so close to the legendary Lannister’s evil, pulsating neck… This could end the war and free her sister Sansa from the clutches of Tywin’s grandson King Joffrey. She’s too late; the moment has passed…

Continuing with the implausibly friendly tête-à-tête, the unlikely pair teaches each other of the history of the Targaryen dragons.

As Arya explains that women also rode the dragons with their brothers, Tywin notices Arya’s noble accent. He is convinced she is not simply a commoner. Could he possibly know she’s a Stark?

SANSA STARK
Sansa finds the courage to thank The Hound for saving her from near rape… but clearly he just wants to eat her face.

Sansa has nightmares about her near-ordeal. But she discovers the horror is far worse upon waking to find she’s gotten her first period. Bloody hell! So the good news is she now has a legitimate excuse for the mood swings. The bad news is she’ll now be expected to birth some slack-jawed mongrel children for the Gollum-faced Joffrey.

Now that Sansa is a woman, Cersei suddenly trusts her. In a rare, sensitive moment Cersei offers a maxi-pad and the advice that a good queen should love no one but her own children. When Sansa asks Cersei’s expectance in loving Joffrey, the Queen Regent offers that Sansa will probably never be able to truly love her unlovable son. Happy Mother’s Day, Cersei!

DAENERYS TARGARYEN
The richest man in all of Qarth, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, offers to help Dany search for her missing dragons. After walking into a roomful of Dothraki flambé, of course she doesn’t trust him.

Having been away ship-hunting, Ser Jorah returns to Qarth to comfort the grieving Khaleesi Dany. Doubting whom she can now trust, Daenerys bestows one command upon her loyal knight, “Find my dragons.” He vows to not fail her again. It is clear Ser Jorah would give his life for her… and her dragons (the book flirts with this quite a bit, so while the show is not as explicit, that’s how I’ve come to interpret it.) Plus, poor Dany really needs to get laid. I’m sure Khal Drogo wouldn’t have cut his hair over the moon of his life having a girl’s night out. She’s been through a lot.

In some seedy, exotic neighborhood of Qarth, Ser Jorah meets the creepy, cloaked woman Qaithe. Also apparently moonlighting as a local amateur tattoo artist, the mysterious woman makes it clear that Ser Jorah has betrayed the Khaleesi, then entrusts him with information that one of The Thirteen stole her dragons.

Ser Jorah rejoins The Mother of Dragons as she stands before The Thirteen. She learns that the King of Qarth has promised dragons to the mysterious warlock Pyat Pree. After the other members have a good chuckle, Xaro Xhoan Daxos steps forward to proclaim that he, the richest man in all of Qarth, is now also the King of Qarth. Upon this, eleven hooded figures step forward from behind the seated members and slit the throats of the remaining Thirteen.

Ser Jorah and Dany try to escape, but the warlock is everywhere. To be fair, Pyat is relatively friendly when trying to force Dany to stay in the House of the Undying to serve as mother of dragons… all-the-while appearing as plenty of horrifically starving apparitions.

ROBB STARK
Robb makes a short cameo just long enough to hear of Cersei’s declination of his peace terms. His bleeding-heart healer peasant crush Talisa also asks him for extra silk to help sew up the wounded: both friend and foe. Horny Robb “suddenly” agrees to aid the wounded enemy soldiers as well as his own. I think he considers this first base.

JAIME LANNISTER
In our premiere second-season showing of the captured Jaime Lannister, we find the “Kingslayer” reminiscing with his cousin and co-captor Alton. In the first season, the handsome Jaime looked like Prince Charming from the Shrek movies. But now the time-weathered warrior sports a beard that would rival that of the Galifianakis.

In the cage, Jaime shares his first memories of being a clumsy squire and cooks up a plan with Alton to escape. After leaning in closely, Jaime reveals the plan to be smashing in his cousin’s face with his heavy iron wrist cuffs. The plan works. Jaime defeats Alton’s unsuspecting face and, after strangling another poor extra, the Kingslayer is on the loose. But not for long…

Obviously a little rusty from being in a cramped cage, the narcissistic prince is recaptured. The father of the murdered guard demands Jaime’s head in retaliation, but Catelyn Stark steps in to, quite ironically, protect the life of her valuable prisoner.

Catelyn confronts Jaime for the first time since the boastful Lannister seized and had removed her beloved Ned’s head. Jaime baits her about Ned’s bastard son Jon. His reasoning is clear. Ned Stark had been with multiple women. Jamie finds himself far nobler to have only been with one woman—even if it has been his sister Cersei. Who’s keeping track of who’s mom was who’s and what not?

Remember: This was the man who pushed her son Bran out a two-story window, paralyzing him from the waist down. Holding back her Mother’s Day fury, Catelyn softly asks the porcelain giant Brienne to hand over her sword. Hmm, I’d start with cutting his ass off so he can’t even kiss it goodbye… But she can’t kill the metro scumbag Lannister yet… his family is still holding her daughters.

TYRION LANNISTER
The rational Lannister Imp only makes one appearance this week to talk with Cersei about Joffrey’s uncontrollable behavior. Cersei appears broken: she’s not used to revealing so much vulnerability to her brothers… only her cootch. It’s clear that Cersei is growing more fearful and Tyrion sees a rare glimpse of humanity in his brother-boinking queen sister.

Still, Cersei finds herself waxing philosophical about their familial karma… Comparing her legacy to that of the purebred Targaryen children, she’s sure that her incestuous relationship with Jaime has brought this horrific turmoil to her life. She fondly reflects on the charmingly cruel and hereditarily psychotic features her son has inherited from his uncle/daddy Jaime. Oh yeah, that reminds me again… Happy Mother’s Day, Cersei!

BRAN AND RICKON
Back in the courtyard of Winterfell, Theon has gathered his army and captured residents. He wants to show them something… Something that will send a message to remind everyone he’s in charge… Two little bodies, charred beyond recognition, hang by the neck from the castle gates.

In a horrifyingly sobering instant we realize, along with Maester Luwin and the wailing townspeople, that these are the bodies of the young Stark boys Bran and Rickon. It’s a disgusting thought, so we’ll hope not, especially since there’s no sign of Osha or Hodor. But this show has proven to be all-too-real in its interpretations of mortal politics.

It was a second week without seeing Stannis, Davos or the Red Sorceress Melisandre. But we did hear a mention that Stannis’ armies were just 5 days away from King’s Landing. And now we’re just 6 days away from another Game of Thrones.

To Cersei and all the other happy mothers out there: Happy Mother’s Day!

Well, once again I hauled my buns down to the Food Network Star open casting call in Burbank earlier this year, and once again the producers failed to pick up on how primed and poised I am to make my inevitable big splash on the American television scene.

Yes, even with my tightest t-shirt, my Alton Brown-inspired “smarty-pants” glasses, and pictures of my favorite dishes lovingly positioned and painstakingly photoshopped on pricey 8 x 10 glossy paper, I didn’t even make the first cut. I was, however, told I looked a little like Lou Diamond Phillips.  But until reality television comes up with a series entitled The Next Great “La Bamba” Re-make!, I don’t see what good that’s gonna do me.

So, I’ve packed up my phony smile, along with all my totally fabricated stories of “the most amazing moments” in my life (No, I actually haven’t run three European marathons, nor have I sky-dived in a tuxedo intending to propose marriage to my high school sweetheart), and I’ve completely cut out bicep curls, push-ups and squat thrusts until at least early 2013.

And I’ve put the Giada Delaurentiis butt tattoo on hold as well.

Screw ‘em all.

In the meantime, if I can’t be a Food Network Star competitor, I can certainly be the snarkiest Food Network Star blogger the world has ever seen.

With that said, I proudly present the inaugural edition of Tv Food and Drink’s 2012 Food Network Star, Season Eight re-caps, complete with all the judgment and sarcasm you’ve come to expect, this year newly accompanied by a healthy dose of the sentence, “Are you kidding…. they cast that tool instead of me???”

The big twist this year is that the show has decided to take a page from NBC’s The Voice, dividing the 15 competitors into groups of three, each led by a celebrity mentor – Alton, Giada and Bobby.  I don’t really know how I feel about this twist.  Bobby, Giada and Alton spent a lot of time in this episode forcibly boasting about how their team was tops, and throwing “pretend shade” on each other.  But I really don’t care whether Giada ultimately wins out over Bobby anymore than I do if Christina or Adam wins out over Cee Lo or Blake. They all have swimming pools the size of my childhood home.  How many more life victories do we have to watch these people claim?

But we’re stuck this new gimmick.  Sorry…. we’re stuck with this new drama-building twist! For this season anyway.  But at least it’s something new.  The same cannot be said for the fairly standard group of amateur tv chefs crowding the stage this season.  They can almost all be defined by singular identifying props… kooky eye wear, bow tie, bleachy, over-gunked Guy Fieri hair, nose ring, tattoos. Can’t we for once get someone with a third arm or a hump?

Of the fifteen hopeful food wizards, here are few that stood out in the premiere episode:

IPPY – laid-back dude from Hawaii.  Likes to cook whole pigs on a bed of hot twigs.  Weird gangly hair that says “off-beat” chef when it’s pulled back from his face, and “Ron Jeremy” when it isn’t.

ERIC – quit his job and title of sole bread winner in his family in order to compete on this show.  Does that make you want to root for him, or place an anonymous call to Social Services?

LINKIE – Well she didn’t particularly stand out, but her name is “Linkie.”  For Food Network Star, that’s enough.  Hell, with a perky little name like that, if this were Cupcake Wars, she’d be given the win in the first sixty seconds.  Linkie says things like “food is my art” and “the plate is my canvas.”  She should just stick to saying, “My name is Linkie!”  It makes me smile and think of a magical pony ready to grant me three wishes if I agree to spin around on one foot and believe that there’s good in the hearts of everyone.

CRISTIE – Healthy home-cooking advocate who had surgery to replace her eyes with those of a Chucky doll from the 1988 horror movie Child’s Play.

MARTIE – Martie said that she calls herself “Martie with the Party!”  She notably failed to mention whether anyone else calls her that.  I guess when she asked people to, it went about as well as when I had my my mid-life crisis and asked everyone to stop calling me “Gary Green” and start calling me “Rico the Man with the Plan!”

JUDSON – Representing the “hip nerd” congregation in its ongoing quest to never, ever win a single reality show – EVER!

EMILY – I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but in Hollywood, chicks so obsessed with the 1950s fashion they spend three hours every morning dressing up like a 1950s telephone operator just to go down to the lobby and get the Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon out of their mailbox are a dime a dozen.  They also regularly say things like “Keen,” “Hot diggity dog,” and “I like Ike!” and seem confused if you’re put off by it.

JUSTIN – This is the “kid” of the group, who will certainly be singled out regularly as “adorable,” and “precocious” as long as he’s around.   And no doubt, we will see endless shots of Judge Susie Fogelson laughing wildly at his youthful spunk while planning to get him to sit on her lap so she can tell him all about Mary Kay Letourneau.

We’ve also got two of those Type-A personalities with “bold” hair who are destined to overuse phrases like “Go big or go home,” and rub everyone the wrong way be the end of Episode #2.  One is named NIKKI and one is named MARTITA.  No need to learn which is which.  Food Network Star isn’t big enough for the both of them.

JOSH – He’s the unpredictable, edgy musician.  We know this because any chance he gets he jumps up and down while banging away on a non-existant guitar and screams, “Rock and Roll!”

CHALLENGE #1 – Each team must create their own restaurant from the ground up.  Each individual competitor must make a single dish and present it to the judging panel.

Chucky-Eyed Christie was the first to lodge an on-camera complaint this season.  Despite offering up what she called “all kinds of great ideas,” to her team (Team Alton), she was shot down at every turn, and relegated to being in charge of her team’s soup.  ”I really did not want to make the soup.”  It’s important that you remember that for later, but if you happened to forget, Christie mentioned it at least three times within the first hour.

Rock and Roller Josh decided to make a dumpling dish.  ”You need a lot of eggs because you want the dumplings to be light,” he communicated to the home audience with an authoritative air.  ”A LOT OF EGGS,” he repeated.  Guess who forgot to buy eggs at Whole Foods?  Quick Josh!   Jump up and down and yell “Freebird!”  Maybe nobody will notice.

Nikki took control of her team and declared herself a “natural born leader,” which we all know means three things… 1.) It’s the first time in Nikki’s life she’s ever proclaimed herself to be a “natural born leader.”  2.) She will alienate every other female on the show, including the make-up artist, the interns and the lady who mops the studio floor at night.  3.)  She’ll excuse it all by saying that no one can handle that she’s so “direct” and likes to “tell it how it is.”  She may also end up being guilty of spouting, “This is me!” or “I came here to win, not make friends!” before the judges finally decide to cut off her head.

Remember Eric?  The guy who quit his job and left his wife and child with about two weeks worth of salary before they’ll be forced into the street to beg for grubs and berries?  Well, he wanted to make his lasagna and ricotta from scratch.  Bobby advised against it, reminding Eric he’ll have plenty of time to impress, and not to overdo it out of the gate.  So Eric decides to make lasagna and ricotta from scratch.  The problem is he can’t get the milk hot enough, even after an hour of trying.  Maybe the wife and little one will be better off without him.

Rock and Roller Josh, who was an early front-runner with his hyperactive somersaults and bad-ass hand gestures fell to the back of the pack when he presented his dish to the judges.  Employing a creepy story about how his recently widowed mother used his “no- dumpling” dumpling soup to cheer herself up now that she’s alone, he managed to depress the entire table.

Little Linkie made a key lime pie.  They judges had one word: “cafeteria.”  Still, you know secretly they were all thinking about the totally fun Food Network show titles they could come up with that could play off the word, “Linkie!”

Nikki was asked what was special about her.  She said the following: “I’m fun!  I’m up for anything!”  Isn’t that what every female on The Bachelor says before passing out on the terra cotta steps?  This is all you wanted from a contestant, Food Network Star?  When I was asked in my interview to be on the show what was special about me, I answered that I could drink eight martinis and still drive home steering the wheel with only my thighs!  I guess I shouldn’t have tried to be such a show off.

Michele made a “sexy” bowl of mussels.  Her words, not mine.  When asked what made them sexy, she said that when she eats them she wants to have sex.  Upon hearing that, the mussels apologized and crawled off back to the kitchen.

Eric spent so much time trying to get the damn milk to boil for his ricotta from scratch, he forgot to think about a way to cleverly present himself in an interesting manner to the judges.  Their faces were so glazed over as they listened to him it was as if he was trying to explain the story lines from the first season of Smash.

Healthy food nut and doll-eyes Cristie continued to complain about how unhappy she was that she had to make the soup.  But I don’t think that was enough of a reason to actually take it out on the soup, do you?

Look at the poor soup.  It was probably so excited to be brought out of the kitchen and present itself to the judges and get some tv time, only to be crushed to hear them discuss its consistency with the same embarrassed whispers they might if the elephant did something naughty on stage at Circus Vargas.   I don’t know, it looks like refried beans to me, but what do I know.  I didn’t get on the show, and Cristie did.  But she didn’t help herself when she angrily went off on how Americans don’t eat right and get enough exercise.   I think this woman wants to execute any man, woman or child who gets caught drinking a Slurpee or indulging in a York Peppermint Patty.  She became so enraged at the head of the table, Judge Susie Fogelson instinctively gripped her steak knife and Bob Tuschman tried to hide himself behind a bowl of lobster bisque.

After all was said and done, Bobby’s Team won the first challenge of the season, which meant that one person from Giada’s team would be up for elimination along with one from Alton’s team.  Based on what the show had presented to us, in terms of both screen time and mishaps, it wasn’t tough to see who’d be on the block this week.  It was Rock and Roller vs. The Chucky Doll.

Josh and Cristie were each given one last chance to save themselves with Challenge #2. Each was asked to prepare their favorite dish for a Mother’s Day brunch and present it with the story behind its inspiration.

Josh prepared a fritata, and since his widowed mother story worked so well before, he decided to tell us more about her trying, hardscrabble life… she grew up in an orphange! She raised her own chickens!  She was forced to make her own cheese!  I don’t know about you, but I would much rather watch a show with Josh’s mother instead of anyone currently on Food Network Star.  Maybe she could team up with Eric’s abandoned wife and child and live handcuffed together in the Big Brother house and compete for immunity soup (There should also put in someone with a hump!).

Meanwhile, Cristie made something she called an “opposite” omelette and played the “brother was in Iraq” card, which in no way trumps the image of an orphaned chicken-raising widowed old lady eating “no-dumpling” dumpling soup.

And in the end it was really no surprise.  Who would you eliminate if you were the judges… the spastic but well-built, nicely-groomed musician, or the chick who looks like she wants to gut you and all your loved ones like a family of sickly salmon?  For Christie, it was all too little, too late.

I can’t say I didn’t see this elimination coming.  Poor Christie was edited into the most unlikable contestant on the show.  Not that she did a whole lot to help herself.   But I do feel a little badly for her.  I may not have the eyes of a “Good Guy” doll possessed by the spirit of voodoo practitioner and serial killer.  And I may not make soup that looks like a circus elephant plop.  But Christie and I do have one thing in common.  Neither one of us will be this season’s Food Network Star.

When it comes to getting my weekly taste of the epic Game of Thrones saga, I’ve been as hungry as a direwolf in winter. Luckily the show producers weren’t just tossing out the table scraps with this week’s eventful offering entitled, “The Old Gods and the New”

Written by Johnny Mansbach for Tv Food and Drink

THEON GREYJOY
Remember Ned Stark’s loyal little servant and ward, Theon Greyjoy, only son of Balon Greyjoy, King of the Pyke? Well, you don’t have to know all that… Just remember he spent the entire first season (and 14 years of his life) defending the honor and mortality of the Stark family.

So when his best friend Robb Stark (King in the North), sends him home to the Pyke to gather ships for war; Theon uses the ships to attack Robb’s own castle in Winterfell.

After forcing young Bran (the 9-year-old left in charge) to yield the castle, Theon announces he is the new Lord of Winterfell.

Surrounded by the people who raised and cared for him, Prince Theon proceeds with the takeover with a hint of respect and dignity. But new habits are borne cold, and Theon’s crew reminds him he hasn’t yet earned his father’s so-called “iron price” of “taking” respect rather than it being given.

So, collapsing under peer pressure that would rival anything seen on Teen Mom, Theon is forced to show an act of cold blood to demonstrate his devout leadership. After several embarrassing amateur-hour swings of his broadsword, he removes the head of the noble Ser Rodrik (Greyjoy advances on Stark.)

“Gods help you, Theon Grevoy. Now, you are truly lost.”

JON SNOW
Jon Snow and the other Men of the Black have ventured farther north of The Wall than most would ever dare… into an area of the “first men” known as the Frostfangs. It’s a scary, desolate, empty place. So when Jon loses sight of his team while tracking a Wildling, he’s literally out of his element. To stay warm through the night, Jon agrees to do some medieval snow spoonin’ with the new girl. And since she won’t stop grinding on his codpiece, this is going be one long and confusing night.

ARYA STARK
Arya Stark had been posing as a boy for months. But now she’s back to being a girl and in more danger than ever. Arya was assigned to be the wine pourer in Tywin Lannister’s war tent. What a terrible and lucky break! In fact, Arya’s luck took a major turn several weeks ago when she saved the lives of three prisoners in the back of a burning wagon. Now under the protection of her own magical genie, the indebted Jaqen H’ghar, has vowed to “take three lives” in place of the three she saved. Anytime. Anyplace. He’ll kill any three people she names… She used one last week when she ordered the death of a torturer known as the “The Tickler”.

Just as Arya was settling in under the unsuspecting nose of the warmonger, an all-too-familiar face enters to discuss politics—It’s Lord Petyr Baelish (also known as Littlefinger), the man who turned her father over as a traitor. She escapes the room, unnoticed, with a war parchment. It includes details of her brother Robb’s war plans and position. But Amory, one of Tywin’s most loyal guards, catches her in the streets. He makes haste to alert his general of the little traitor. It all seems lost for Arya… but wait, where’s her magic lamp?

Arya immediately finds her “genie” Jaqen H’ghar and, within minutes, Amory drops dead. Two death wishes down, one to go… (Seriously, am I the only one yelling, “pick Joffrey” for the deathwish list?)

THE LANNISTERS
Okay, some serious cow patties are flying around the royal family. While being escorted through the streets, King Joffrey is called a bastard and hit in the face with some fresh cow manure. Infuriated, he demands the head of the offender. But the angry crowd swells, demonstrating more disdain for the fraudulent king. A disorienting mob forms and Sansa is swept away through the fray. Detained by four degenerates in a back alley, the eldest Stark girl is being prepped to endure horrific violations. But in a rare, heroic moment, Sandor Clegane (The Hound) arrives and literally disembowels the four men within seconds.

Meanwhile, that little bitch Joffrey proclaims (in a dog whistle’s pitch) that he is king and will not be treated this way. Tyrion smacks some sense into Joffrey by reminding him the townspeople are literally tearing each other limb from limb.

Then Uncle Tyrion literally smacks the shit out of Joffrey. Very satisfying television…

ROBB STARK
Just as King Robb is reunited with his mother Catelyn somewhere in the middle of Westeros, he receives word that Theon Greyjoy has taken his castle in Winterfell. A group of ironmen is dispatched to take the castle back, with orders for Theon to be brought before Robb for sentencing and, possibly, some royal tea bagging.

DAENERYS TARGARYAN
Dany T is the Mother of Dragons. But her dragons are little, can’t fly, and will probably take years to grow into formidable weapons. So before she can fly across the Narrow Sea to reclaim the Iron Throne, she must find a way to sail across. Arriving at Qarth, the “greatest city that ever was or will be”, the richest man in all of Qarth, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, asks for the Khaleesi’s hand in marriage. The bind would give her over 300 ships and an instant army. But on the advice of Dany’s protector, Ser Jorah, she waits to humbly ask the Spice King for a single ship, claiming he would be compensated threefold. The insolent twerp-waddling Spice King denies her with a barrage of insults that sends her retreating back to Xaro’s palace. But when she returns, she is devastated to find all her Dothraki people have been murdered and her dragons stolen…

THEON
Back in Winterfell, Prince Theon is about to get some tail. Osha is a Wildling, captured by Theon himself while in service of the Starks. Now a citizen of Winterfell she approaches Theon to offer her services, which–by the looks of her sudden, full nudity–includes a 19-point finger inspection and greasy ball-joint rotation. Of course the ruse works since Theon can’t seem to turn down some dirty strange. The Wildling seduces Theon, then–after the young Prince is in the midst of his victory sleep–executes a plan to liberate her little Lords Bran and Rickon from the city. (Stark gains advantage over Greyjoy.)

No mention of Stannis Baratheon or his Red Sorceress Melisandre this week, but I’m sure they’re just resting from all that Dark Shadowy Magic business they killed Brother Renly with. However: surprising moves, great setups, and robust storytelling have brought us to this point in the Game… and by the looks of things to come all the rules just went out the portcullis.