SPOILERS AHEAD

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Within the first twenty minutes, outsides Grandma Gwen and the two nameless brunettes were kicked to the curb faster than an abandoned apartment sofa. And we the viewers were left with a painfully predictable rest of an episode and the countdown to a finale where someone nasty and odious will definitely win a quarter of a million dollars.

Of course, there’s nothing at all wrong with a nasty and odious person taking the top prize on any reality show. Since the dawn of Richard Hatch, the villains snag the reality show purse at least as often as the heroes. But Richard Hatch and his most worthy TV spawn were always at least fun to watch in their nefarious activities. They all but winked at the camera and dared you to find anyone else in the cast even remotely close to as clever or strategic as they were.  If it wasn’t going to be a hero, it was going to be at least someone worth our time.

Nothing like that is happening on Bachelor Pad. The only clever thing that can be said about it is that it’s ending next week, and not a moment too soon now that we know the victor will be either a waxed, piggish lip-diddler or a bikini-baring cry-baby willing to find newer and better ways to degrade herself from one week to the next.

Not a hero in the bunch, to be sure.

Once the three outsider babes were sent packing, and our remaining four men and four women paired themselves together as single voting entities from that moment forward, the writing was on the wall for Peyton and Jesse, the only pair that wasn’t implied to be knocking flippers in the community hot tub on a regular basis. A shame too, because they were the only fun ones to watch.  The look on Peyton’s face as she watched her new partner clumsily fish an ingrown hair out of his shin with a screw he found on the ground was almost as funny as the off-key hillbilly love theme the producers used to underscore the moment.  The only laughs of the night.

But, we’ve got two hours to fill, so let’s pretend there’s still a chance Peyton and Jesse will NOT be the ones leaving tonight.  Hope still remains, if only they can win this week’s challenge… the high risk, dangerously complicated, nearly impossible to follow in its inherent Hitchcockian twists… water balloon toss!

Sadly, The Bickerson Hillbillies were the first ones eliminated.  Sad not just because that meant it was nearly certain they were going home, but because they, like the rest of us, had to watch the last six Free Clinic Test Subjects toss balloons back and forth for the next ten minutes, while host Chris Harrison provided commentary like, “Right through her legs! I thought she had it!” without so much as an upturning lip.

“Missing Baldwin Brother” Dave and “Tramp Jan Brady” Natalie, who, now that they are officially a couple on the show can finally be called what we’ve wanted to call them all season – “Baldwinady Datalie” (yes, you heard it here first), won the challenge.  Dave spent the fantasy date sharing his most tender wounds about family alienation, going on to express his eager hope that he can someday win back the love and affection of a viewing audience who now loathes him.  Later, he sucked face with Natalie in the hot tub.

Meanwhile, back at the Crab Shack, Elizabeth and Kovacs snuck into the Fantasy Suite – and by the way, is it just me or does anyone else hear the words “Fantasy Suite” and immediately think of Hervé Villechaize (“Buss! Eeeelizabet end Kohvaz huv buzted into dee Funtusee Sweet!”)?

Once under the covers and presumably naked, Elizabeth demanded Kovacs declare her more important than winning $250,000.  Needless to say, this night did not end with a 2 am shower and the romantic splitting of a late night meatloaf sandwich.

At the last moment before voting, Chris reveals that in fact the couples will vote individually, which of course, can you guess? … “changes the game!”

Apparently, no one told Peyton and Jesse that this changes the game because they were, in the end, voted off…  just like they, the rest of the house, you, me, and my cats (both the living and the dead one) knew an hour and a half earlier.

Finally… here’s a question about something I’m finding really annoying:  In evaluating their competition for the final challenge, whatever it may be, all the men left on the show are trying to eliminate who they think is the most athletic (“So what if he played baseball? I played everything else!”)

Where is the logic in this way of thinking?  When has being athletic played into this show once yet?

Am I wrong, or have the weekly challenges so far been… blindfolded kissing, secretly writing down names of the opposite sex on pieces of paper, Twister, pie-eating, Spin the Bottle, and water balloon tossing?  Who cares who can bench press more?  All you basically need to do to win Bachelor Pad is to have watched at least half a season of Blossom over the course of your entire lifetime.

Oh well… it’s Monday night summer programming on ABC. Logic, happily or not, shouldn’t be applied. And these little horny, fame-greedy TV ciphers are doing and saying exactly what they’re told.

If you’re still praying for a hero, forget it.  Just pray for a mercifully short Dancing with the Stars tie-in next week.

If you only tuned in to tonight’s episode of Bachelor Pad because of the over-hyped live Dancing with the Stars “press conference” to announce the new season’s cast (did anyone see any members of the press?  I didn’t.), you may have found the roster reveal a little disappointing.  I however, did not.  After being made to suffer through nearly ninety minutes of Bachelor Pad’s tired old plotting, catty remarks, hysterical ranting and romantic dialgoue so clumsy Joanie and Chachi would opnely snicker at it, I was, for the first time in my life, happlily relieved to actually see Bristol Palin’s face on my television set.

Yes, Bristol assumes the Dancing “I have no idea I’m being laughed at” slot most recently vacated by Kate Gosselin.  The only way selecting her would have been anything other than completely tasteless and desperate would have been if Levi Johnston had been announced as one of her competitors.  Not only would people across the country have turned each week’s episode into an absolute event (“Teen Mom vs. Moose Cock.. there can be only one!”), but little baby Tripp would have been spared the chore of having to repeatedly explain the complex mechanics behind his See ‘n Say “Counting with Mickey” pullstring toy to mommy and daddy for a few weeks in the fall.

But… there will be no War of the Wasilla Roses.  What a missed opportunity.

But getting back to Bachelor Pad… last week, Cowboy Wes was singled out as the next one “heading for the chopping block,” a phrase the jacuzzi-going guys and gals on the show seem very fond of using, outshined only by, “There’s a target on my back!” and “No, no.  I got that from swimming in a public pool!”

Poor Cowboy Wes.  He threw in last week with Gia, who ended up getting the ax.  The “couples” in the house continue to survive while the outsider “singles” are… well… going under.

Tonight’s challenge was only original in that it was a new low in humiliating the female competitors on the show.  The residents of the Crab Shack were required to fill out surveys mandating they give “truthful” answers to nasty little fifth-grade questions about their housemates.  They were then brought together and asked to reveal not who they themselves had picked as the answer, but to correctly predict who they thought collectively got the most votes for each question, in order to secure this week’s immunity roses.

With a challenge like this, there really wasn’t any way the cast could keep themselves from looking completely like assholes.  But by far, the most humiliating moment had to be when they were all asked to reveal who they thought would be selected as the dumbest, and the overwhelming answer given was Grandma Gwen.

Now, I get it… it’s television, and they’re all competing for a quarter of a million dollars. I’d probably be readily nasty too.  And I get that Gewn didn’t have to accept the offer to appear on Bachelor Pad. And I also get that I’ve referred to her regularly here as “Grandma Gwen,” because she’s the only member of the house whose age is not only NEVER revealed, but smarmily replaced with “???” whenever her name is show on the screen.

But, consider this… Gwen has been given next to no airtime.  And in the few moments she has been featured, even when she’s saying something less than complimentary, she does so with tact with brevity.  So, as a viewer, I’m not really interested or satisifed in seeing her humiliated by all the douchebags sitting on either side of her.  Gwen has not demonstrated dumbness.  She’s demonstrated class.

I didn’t watch whatever season of The Bachelor originally featured Gwen, so I don’t know if she came off any different back then.  But if you want a viewer to indulge in watching a reality character getting taken down, you have to first establish that same reality character stepping on other people’s toes as they climb their way up.  That’s simple dramtic construction, and that isn’t what’s happened with Gwen.

So unless there’s a major “reversal of fortune” carefully being constructed for Gwen with a payoff in the weeks ahead, Bachelor Pad is guilty of just being plain nasty and unable to pull off any new twists within a rapidly staling format.

In the end, once again, two of the “outsiders” had their heads cut off in the rose ceremony. Cowboy Wes, a friend left he had none, and K-R-I-S-I-L-Y, who despite clawing and jumping around for attention like a crazed chihuahua, failed to ever garner favor or interest from pretty much anyone, bid adios to the Crab Shack.

By the way, did anyone else notice that, during the rose ceremony, the one voted “Worst Boob Job” in this week’s challenge, was decidedly demure?

I have one final question.  Who IS this person?

From one week to the next, I always forget her name because she appears even less than Gwen.  This week, I finally stopped bothering to refer to my previous posts in order to remember her name. From now on, she’s simply “Girl with Dark Hair.”

Anyone else feel that Gwen got a lousy deal signing up for this show?  Is “Worst Boob Job” just as much a victim, or is she getting what’s coming to her? Are we supposed to be surprised that three women are leaving next week, or can we assume that Bachelor Pad got an episode order for dramatically fewer weeks than the original housemate count could have possibly kept up with (the same reason Trump “suddenly and shockingly” decides to fire four candidates in one week)?

Unfortunately, as a result of this week’s kissing challenge, open mouths were about all we saw for the first half of the episode.

Though I admit that I was not as bored with this episode as I was with last week’s pie-eating fiasco, this week’s kissing challenge, where each girl and guy left competing on the show was blindfolded and made to make out with all of the members of the opposite sex and then vote for “the best kisser” proved to have a real “ick” factor I didn’t see coming.

Was it the over over-eagerness of Tippy Toes Tenley and David “Missing Baldwin Brother” David to flap their tongues out in the air like pez dispensers on death row?

Was it Natalie, who proudly stated, ” I would make out with everyone in the house for… like… twenty bucks”?

No, it was probably the teary-eyed Gia, who reminded us all, between her endless whimpering about having a boyfriend at home, that she’s not really all that keen on a mass-male face-sucking bonanza.

And frankly, the fact that Gia was experiencing a repulsion – fabricated or not –  at the idea of having to make out with every single guy in the house, one after another, on camera, is actually pretty buyable, and it created an aura of realistic perversion from which self-proclaimed light-hearted summer programming like Bachelor Pad should avoid at all costs.

Gia ultimately pulled out of the challenge, citing the off-camera boyfriend.  It took about ten mentions of the off-camera boyfriend for her to actually make that decision, but it’s probably hard to think clearly with all that cocoa butter in the air.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Also bailing on the marathon lip-locking was high school teacher Ashley, who was afraid her students would lose all respect for her if they saw her making out with a bunch of guys, to which Jesse Kovacks’ response was, “Big deal. We all did it in sixth grade!”

Now, I don’t know where you went to school for sixth grade, but if there was a line of half-dressed men with numbers around their necks standing around waiting to make out with me so I could rank them in order of kissing ability at my school, I must have been hanging out with the priests in the rectory that day, because I missed it completely.

A few notes at this point… none of the women seemed particularly interested in making out with Weatherman Jonathan.  And the men felt more or less the same way about Grandma Gwen.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

This does not bode well for either of them come elimination time, though Gwen’s next to zero camera time thus far on the show seems to indicate she’ll live to see the light of another demoralizing date challenge.

HornDog Weatherman may not fare so well though, especially after last week’s dreaded Speedo appearance.

The kissing contest did, however, provide one of the funniest lines of the night from Cowboy Wes regarding making out with the fairer sex: “(Girls) going in for the kill… for the attack… it doesn’t turn me on whatsoever … unless I’m absolutely hammered.”

Way to keep it real, Wes!
“Plain Jane” Peyton and  ”Missing Baldwin Brother” David took the titles of best male and female kissers, giving them immunity roses and an additional bullet point for their professional resumes.

For his date night in Vegas, “Missing Baldwin Brother” chose…

“Twenty Bucks is All You Need” Natalie,
G-rated K-R-I-S-I-L-Y,
and last week’s “Traitor-Against-Her-Own” Nikki.

David explains that he chose Nikki because she “has class,”
K-R-I-S-I-L-Y because “we’ve had our ups and downs and what not, ”
And Natalie because “no matter what we do… I know we’re gonna have a good time,” which is probably about the nicest way to sum up Natalie’s pro column.

While Nikki and K-R-I-S-I-L-Y may be desperate to snag that immunity rose, only Natalie proves that “whatever happens in Vegas… my bikini top will definitely end up in the pool skimmer.”

Guess who wins the rose, and a night with David in the Fantasy Suite?

Seriously… this Natalie chick is one Oscar dress made out of paper clips away from being America’s next Sally Kirkland (anyone? ANYONE?).

Meanwhile, on the date with far less production value, Peyton takes Kiptyn, Jesse Kovacs and Jesse B. to the Irwindale Speedway.  Yes… the romantic Irwindale Speedaway… located squarely between the romantic love capitals of Monrovia and West Covina.

The Luxor, it ain’t, folks.

But I guess that makes sense because Peyton has hardly proven herself to be a Natalie in the “lack of underwear” department, so why splurge?

Amidst the swirling aromas of auto exhaust, burnt rubber and STP… Peyton and Jesse B. find love!  That leaves runners-up Kovacs and Kiptyn out in the cold.

The two losers have a heart to heart, “Uh… maybe aligning ourselves with Elizabeth and Tippy Toes in the house to try to get the other chicks to like us and not vote us off, uh… that may not have been the best plan… brah…”

Meanwhile, back at the Crab Shack, Gia snuggles up under the covers with Wes and cries about her fear of elimination and missing her boyfriend while drying her eyes against his treasure trail.

Wes proclaims his devout affection for Gia and swears like a mad man to do whatever he has to in order to keep her in the house, then sings her a song on his guitar about how love “don’t come easy,” which leads Gia to compare him to Shakespeare (…a better, cuter Shakespeare).

Elimination time comes around once again.  The “Cool Kids” target Gia and The Weatherman while the “Outsiders” aim for Kovacs and Elizabeth.  Who’s working with who? Who’s working against who?  Will Tippy Toes cry in this episode?  Does Gia have a boyfriend?… I can’t remember.  It’s all too confusing.

And in the end… sorry, Weatherman.. it’s shower curtains for you!  Your “only-average” muscle percentage and inability to carry a tune with your cheap guitar earned you no favors with the women of the Crab Shack. Sadly, you consistently came across like a guy who was always running around with it hanging out of your pants. That only works for guys over six feet tall with blond highlights.  You clearly only skimmed your 148 page “How to Make It on a Sleazy Dating Show” PDF sent to you by the network.

The women’s elimination came down to a tie.  From the men, Gia and Elizabeth both earned the same number of “Women I Wouldn’t Risk Impregnating” votes.  Congrats, gals!

Guess who won?

Sorry, Gia.  But on the plus side, you’ve got your boyfriend to welcome you home… unless you mentioned you were going to be on ABC’s Bachelor Pad and that he should watch, in which case, you might want to dust off that Craigslist ad.  Well, either way… loved the head band.

And what did you think?  Am I being too hard on Natalie?  Did Gia get what she deserved? Will you miss The Weatherman and his Speedo?  Will Gwen ever get a speaking part on the show?  Let me know what you think and I’ll hit you back with my response.

Not that summer programming hasn’t become routinely scintillating while relying on the same reality format everyone else is getting away with (set up alliances, show some skin, set up “secret” alliances, show people getting it on, present a Voting-Off ceremony no one could see coming because the pertinent information was not shown to us, dramatically announce that “the game has changed,” show someone crying, tease scenes from next week)… but come on!  When the highlights from this achingly stretched episode are watching “Tippy-Toes” Tenley upchuck “challenge pie” into a bucket, and Weatherman Jonathan parading around in a speedo the likes of which I have not seen since the 1970s Battle of the Network Stars, something has really gone off the rails.

Not even the beautiful bodies, hot tub flirting, or a round of shower nookie could keep me interested.  I’m sexier folding towels in the laundry room wearing my flip-flips and my 1997 DisneyWorld t-shirt.

In short, this week’s Bachelor Pad suffered from a severe “failure to titillate.”

In only week two, the entire occupancy of the Crab Shack has happily split up into “The Outsiders” and “The Cool Kids” – this is what the grown men and women on this show actually call themselves – not even reluctantly – but with the proud seriousness one might use when referring to themself as “Christ fearing,” or “Post-Op Transsexual.”

The girls in the “Outsiders” fear the “Cool” girls.  This is important for later.

Next up, a good old fashioned pie-eating contest to determine who earns this week’s immunity roses.

The gals were up first, and somehow, this should have been sexier than it was.  I think the editors moved too quickly from “girls eating pie” to “girls returning pie to buckets,” thus severely reducing the hotness factor.  Even the bachelors on the show were turned off.  I was turned off.  Hell, even my cat winced and jumped off the ottoman.  NOT FUN.  What was fun was watching Lunk-head David “Missing Baldwin Brother” clapping his hands through the whole thing and lamely shouting, “Push through it!”  like an eighth grade P.E. coach trying to encourage the asthmatic kid.   

The pie-eating winners are… Gia “I’ve Got a Boyfriend and I Announce it Every Chance I Get” for the women…

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

…and for the men… Weatherman Jonathan… you know Jonathan… that guy whose head you gave a toilet swirlie to during Freshman Year… but by Junior Year you were sort of over it… so you left him alone… unless it was super-easy to trip him in the hallway in between classes and you saw no need to resist the urge… yeah, that guy… he won the pie-eating contest.

By the way… K-R-I-S-I-L-Y (yep, that’s how she spells it) announced that she had her gall bladder out a year ago, and has no way to digest fat, so she has to bow out of the pie-eating contest.

Now, I was once in a group of about 12 people being considered for the final 8 spots on a Sci-Fi Network reality show, and when you get that close to actually appearing, I guarantee that you are put through every kind of physical, blood, urine and mental test imaginable to keep the network clear of any and all liability.

So the idea that no one knew about K-R-I-S-I-L-Y’s gall bladder issue is doubtful (or really, utter bullshit).

But now, K-R-I-S-I-L-Y is worried that her head will be on the chopping block since she didn’t bother to participate in the pie-eating challenge. But I think she’s more in danger of disappearing because the producers have decided to show her looking dowdy on camera.  

Now that we know who’s free and clear, the first “Date Card” arrives.  And I have a question.  Why is it that the bachelor/bachelorette reading the date card ALWAYS does so as if it’s a poem… with big pauses at the end of each line… except it isn’t a poem… week after week… why are they doing this?

“Reveal your true selves… no brushes allowed… which three ladies will be joining you?”

They just end up sounding like a four year old who’s on the verge of comprehending the language on the front of a Pop Tart box.  STOP DOING THIS!

Weatherman Jonathan picks “Grandma Gwen,” Peyton, and Ashley, who thus far I know nothing about other than all three are part of the “Outsider Girls,” and Grandma Gwen looks a little like Stella Stevens (anyone? ANYONE?).

The date is body painting.  See below.  And here comes the Speedo shot.  You’ve been warned.

Out comes Jonathan in the Speedo. Apparently, there was some kind of issue with him and a speedo during his season of The Bachelorette. I couldn’t say I know what this is, but dude… seriously… lay off the Iron Man circuit training.  You need to bulk down!  Take my advice.  I was a “Top 12 ” finalist for a Sci-Fi Network reality show once.

Meanwhile, back at the Crab Shack, there’s an assorted amount of partying from the “Cool” Girls, while the “Outsider” Girls use a lot of words like  ”strategy,” “strategize,” and “strategizing” while wearing little to no make-up and oversized sweatshirts displaying zero cleavage.  So yes, they’d better strategize.

Jonathan and his three “Outsider” Girls agree to bond together and throw out the “Cool” kids, one by one. The name thrown around the most is poor old Kiptyn, which I guess is only fair considering the male-pattern hair loss and Harpo Marx ears he showed off during the pie-eating contest.

Next comes Gia’s date and another clumsy date card reading:

“Love is intense… now it’s time to pick… your date… which three men do you choose?”

Seriously, producers… these date cards need to rhyme, or at least have the same syllable count from one line to the next!!  Next week I do not want to hear, “It’s time to pick… your fantasy date… hurry… before you surpass the time allotted to you!”

The men chosen are Wes, Craig and Jesse Beck. Gia’s dirty trick is to pretend to put every guy’s name on a slip of paper for the final slot, but she actually writes “Jesse Beck” on all of them. The clever minx!  Unfortunately, this date is even more boring than the body-painting. It’s some sort of Moroccan-themed getaway which is bascially nothing more than a colorful tent planted in the middle of a park in downtown L.A… hooray for production value.

Gia swears to Craig “Captain Goldilocks” - up and down – back and forth – here and there – that he is definitely getting her immunity rose, but damn Gia! – she ends up rubbing some lavendar scented oil into the hands of hillbilly Wes, who in response, delivers a romantic soliloquy with the most inspired text of the night:

“Oh my God. That feels good. I love it…. I love it… I’m all… like… basted up. It’s awesome!”

Who could resist?

Now, Gia wants to give the rose to Wes, but she already promised it to Craig. What’s a minx to do?

Oh and by the way… Elizabeth and Kovacs get it on in the shower. We saw a shower curtain, we heard some cooing. 

Also going down at the Crab Shack, David and Jessie S. are having a heart-to-heart in the “Pool of Unidentified Organisms,” and Jessie uses her feminine wilds to play both the “Cools” and the “Outsiders” against each other. That’s a dangerous game for you, little  Jessie S! After all, you’re no Amanda Woodward (anyone? ANYONE?)

Gia ends up giving her immunity rose to Wes, despite her earlier promise to Craig.  Craig and Jesse Beck play it cool.  See them playing cool below.  This is some serious bad news for Craig, who knows the “Cool” chicks want his ass gone.

K-R-I-S-I-L-Y uses Jessie S’s underhanded “double-agent” behavior to save herself from being voted out as a result of the “Gall Bladder Incident” by passing on what she knows about Jessie S. to Kiptyn, in the hopes that he’ll take it back to the “Cool Guys” and they’ll all turn on her.

So the “Outisder Girls” are going to vote Kiptyn out, and the “Cool Girls” are going to vote Craig out.

Chris Harrison returns to prepare the crew for the Rose Ceremony, and for no reason that makes any sense to me, it suddenly all comes down to Nikki. “Who the eff is Nikki,” you ask? She’s the girl who’s had next to zero camera time throughout this mess of an episode. She’s in with the “Outsider Girls,” but a personal friend of Kiptyn, who the “Outsider Girls” want to kick out.

What’s a third string character to do?

Perhaps throwing Nikki’s dilemma in at the end was supposed to be interpreted by the home audience as a “twist,” but because we care nothing about this girl Nikki, it comes off as nothing more than a pleasant distraction from Chris Harrison’s wardrobe, furnished exclusively by 31 Flavors.

In the end, Captian Goldilocks “Craig,” who was effed over by Gia, and Jessie “Two-Timer” S. got the boot. I thought the producers would have found a way to keep Craig around a little longer since he was such an anti-hero, but it was not to be. As for Jessie S., the only thing I recall about her, only five minutes after her being voted off, was that last week someone characterzied her as “bangin’.”  There’s your legacy, Jessie S. Good luck with that G-4 audition!

I don’t know what to do.  Bachelor Pad seems like a desperate, less-compelling version of CBS’S Big Brother, a show I’m already not interested in.  Do I stick with the Pad, in the hopes things will liven up?  Do you have anyone you’re rooting for?  I’ll give it another few weeks, and as long as I can be done posting and in bed by midnight, I won’t worry the way Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates had to with Gizmo (one last one for the movie geeks – anyone? ANYONE???)

Image Credit: Craig Sjodin

I have not watched more than a single episode of any of the past seasons of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, so I come to ABC’s new Big Brother-Bachelor hybrid, Bachelor Pad completely free from any bias against anyone in this group of sweaty, horny little squirrel monkeys.

I do feel badly for poor host Chris Harrison though. He may or may not have something more than a “Hollywood plain-face,” but we’ll never know it from this show. Compared to the never-ending parade of tens (and occasional nines admitted in for pure comic relief), Chris comes off looking slightly less appealing than Nanny McPhee. But they’re paying him well, so the guy shows up. Props to the host.

“They’ll be living in the same house!” Chris warns matter-of-factly before adding, “and sleeping in the same room!” with the obvious suggestiveness of a superior mom at her son’s third birthday party. “We have cake… and finger-painting!”

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

First to arrive at the house is Tenley… over-exuberant, runs-on-her-tippy-toes Tenley who squeals whenever she sees a friend from her season of the show… or a good-looking guy… or host Chris Harrison… or a cameraman wearing a cool belt… or a fresh stick of Doublemint. Designed to be annoying and ready to break into tears at a moment’s notice, she’s sure to be around for quite some time.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Next up is Jesse B. (cue the knock-off version of “Bad to the Bone.”) He’s tall, he’s good-looking, he’s got great teeth. Designed to be drooled over and shirtless while saying something crude and giving high-fives within ten minutes, he’ll also be here for a while.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Natalie is unfortunately the second blond woman to arrive, and no one bothered to tell her that the “bubbly horny gal spot” was already taken. So while Tenley came off as merely irritating, poor Natalie comes off as irritating and a wanna-be, which makes her winner of the “Tramp Jan Brady” title.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Here’s David. Chris Harrison really likes to butch it up when he welcomes the guys. Lots of “hey man!” and slaps to the shoulders when he greets them outside the house, which is actually not a house, but a mansion complete with big pool, lots of liquor, cushiony couches, and a free clinic in the basement.

David’s got some sort of freaky-eyed lantern jaw thing going on. I think he’s a missing Baldwin brother. Don’t tell him I said that, though. I’m pretty sure he could beat me up.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Gwen is playing it coy.  She wears a t-shirt under her blouse.  The guys demonstrate a level of interest comparable to that of an dying cat with a shoestring dangling in front of its face.

Poor Gwen takes a few knocks for being slightly older too, though her age is not actually revealed.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Christ, theres another Jessie! This one is Jessie S. Missing Baldwin Brother describers her as “bangin’”

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Here’s the guy they call “The Weatherman.” You know that annoying kid you would let in to your high school party even though you didn’t invite him because he’s kinda funny and might let you cheat off of him during your Latin final? Well then…

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

It’s time for Nikki.  She calls herself “euphoric.”  She hopes to not see Juan in the house. Care to take a guess who shows up next?

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

When Juan arrives, Tippy-Toe Tenley bounces into his face like an Indian rubber dodge ball. Tramp Jan Brady reveals that the only reason Juan ever slept with Nikki was because he needed a place to stay when he was in Chicago. It might also have been just because Juan wanted to have sex with someone and Nikki was the closest, but the female mind tends to over-think things when it comes to men.

Anyway, Nikki’s got it in for Juan… and she’s willing to do, say, or sleep with whatever nine guys… or couple of chicks… it takes to send him packing.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Next up is Wes. Chris Harrison gives him a solidly earnest, “What’s up, dude?” like the towel boy sucking up to the first-string quarterback. Wes is apparently something of an ass-panda who dogs women, but I don’t know how that gives him a distinctive personality on this show.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Make room atop the parade float! It’s Krisily! That’s K-R-I-S-I-L-Y if you’re maintaing a scorecard. Krisily likes to scrunch up her face, shrug her shoulders and give you the big “five-finger” hand wave like she’s riding around a killer whale at a Sea World show.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Elizabeth has gone blond because blonds can “get away with being more ditsy,” She has the best line of the night: “Here I am… ready to open my heart… and win $250,000!!”

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Jesse K. arrives. Elizabeth and Jesse K. have some sort of on-again, off-again romance, but Jesse is here for the money and not for love.  Jesse is man enough to openly and honestly lay his motives on the line, to the camera at least if not to Elizabeth.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Kiptyn is greeted with a “‘Sup, dude?” from Chris Harrison and another out-of-control scream from Tenley, who admits that if Kiptyn made a move on her, she’d “…explore that.”

By the way.. Kiptyn? Tenley? Krisily? Did the auditions for this show require that your parents step aside and let you be named by Gwyneth Paltrow?

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Next up is Ashley – Good god! How many people are on this show??! The balcony scene in Evita had a smaller cast. I’m already exhausted!

After Ashley comes Peyton. After Peyton comes Michelle, labelled the “crazy one.” After Michelle comes Gia, who has a boyfriend and is concerend about all the temptation surrounding her.  Was she not informed that the show is called Bachelor Pad?

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Finally, we have Craig, the man with the Goldilocks Hair.  He’s similar to the successful director Michael Bay, and sadly possesses the exact same amount of talent.  The “Weatherman” hates this guy. Does anyone know why? I don’t.  I guess I’ll find out.

And there’s your 2010 Bachelor Pad cast. Eleven chicks dying to be weekend field reporters on Entertainment Tonight. Eight guys looking for their big break into Showtime soft-core porn.

Let’s watch some TV!

The Bikini Mafia immediately holds a session and decides they’re going to get rid of Craig “Captain Goldilocks” first. To do that, they need to win the first competition – Swimsuit Twister. The winner gets an immunity rose, a date with three housemates of their choice, and a second immunity rose to present to the one of the three dates who blows him… er… enthralls him… best on the date.

I don’t think I really need to say more about how Swimsuit Twister played out, though I did snicker like an eighth grader when Chris Harrison asked if anyone needed “a reminder of what’s up for grabs.” When I was a kid, this stuff would have only been on cable!

Captain Goldilocks wins the competition and picks Elizabeth, Grandma Gwen and Jessie S. as his dates.  Why Grandma Gwen, who has gotten ZERO camera time since her intro gets picked is a mystery to me, but there’s no time to worry about that.  There’s other drama brewing.

Tippy-Toe Tenley stars a rumor that on the first night in the Crab Shack Bunk House, “Mad Woman” Michelle and Captain Goldilocks “hooked up” under the covers while the rest of the roommates giggled and peed their sheets under the night-vision camera lenses.

This is where we are reminded that this is still network television, because FINALLY when there’s possible action to be had, all we get are a few shots of confused house-mates looking around their beds in the middle of the night and some pathetic “smooching” sounds laid in before cutting away to a two-minute commercial for the new Drew Barrymore dating movie, Going the Distance.

I’m pretty sure Drew and I are around the same age, so the fact that she’s still playing the naive dating ingenue and expecting people to buy it puts me in mind of this show’s Grandma Gwen. Also, Christina Applegate seems to have inherited Bonnie Hunt’s career playing “uptight older sister,” which is a shame.  I hope she gets some better roles.  I really like her.

During a private moment, Elizabeth re-affrims her lack of interest in Craig “Captain Goldilocks,” but is willing to be “won over,” even though her heart still belongs to Jesse K

There’s near-firewroks on the beach with Elizabeth but ultimately, Goldilocks is unable to seal the deal. Meanwhile back at the Crab Shack, Jesse K. is worried that if the Bikini Mafia thinks he belongs to Elizabeth, they’ll see no need to keep him around and vote his “dudeness” off the show.

Ultimately, Craig awards his immunity rose to Jessie S.  Elizabeth quietly fumes because Craig didn’t woo her the way she wanted.  Poor little Lizzie and Grandma Gwen, the evening’s two rejects, are shipped back to the Crab Shack in the limo.  I think it would be funnier if they had to hitch-hike home, but ABC probably doesn’t want to take out that extra “serial killer” insurance.

Jesse finally decides to set the record straight with Elizabeth… like she hasn’t has a lousy enough day already.  Elizabeth again proclaims her undying affection for Jesse and attacks him for not asking her how her date went with Captain Goldilocks.  Then she tells Jesse that if he doesn’t proclaim his undying affection for her, she’ll rise up that there Bikini Mafia and get his ass thrown to the curb.

Jesse is not quite capable of comprehending the threat, or the fact that it was delivered in a sentence with multiple nouns, so Elizabeth has no other choice but to start crying and call out Jesse for not appreciating her, which I think is the point Jesse has been trying to make clear since he walked through the door.

Meanwhile, “Mad Woman” Michelle locks Tippy-Toes Tenley into the bathroom and threatens her with a Biore pore strip for starting the dreaded “Goldilocks hook up.” rumor. As predicted, Tippy-Toes falls immediately into tears making “Mad Woman” my one true hero of the night.

Down to the vote.  The women vote for the one guy they want gone, and the men do the same for the ladies.  The two with the most votes are sent packing.  Did the Bikini Mafia rise up against Jesse? Will Tenley’s tears be her downfall?  Will Grandma Gwen be sent to the big grassy field where she can run… and run… and run??


Nope… the two sent packing are “Mad Woman” Michelle and “Juan.” You remember Juan, don’t you? That guy that got next to no air time… the one that the woman with the brown hair you can’t recall didn’t like for some reason you can’t remember.

Seriously… who cares? If Juan was gonna be the first guy to go, shouldn’t they given him more of a story in this episode?

And hey… “Mad Woman” Michelle was just starting to get interesting, right? Is there another ballsy gal in the Bikini Mafia to take her place? So far, we’ve got nothing left but a bunch of snivelling wimps in two-piecers. One of these gals needs to develop some fangs… and fast.

What about you? Is Elizabeth too annoying for words? Do you want to see Tenley in tears on a weekly basis? Are you bummed like me that the men are in board shorts instead of speedos? Lay it out. I want to hear from you. It’s only week one! The Bachelor Pad has just begun.

But the real reason I like to watch the Scripps National Spelling Bee is to watch a bunch of odd ducks in ill-fitting outfits drop off the stage, one by one, like they’ve got tsetse flies swimming up their undies.

As its season has progressed, and we’ve bid farewell to the more embarrassing toe-talents in the competition, Dancing has sadly lost all its own versions of third grade lip-dribblers, self-touchers, runny nose heads, and lazy eyes… and along with it, my interest.

Shannen Doherty… your fumbling we barely knew. Kate Gosselin… please prance around the stage one last time in utter confusion and terror. Jake Pavelka… was the amount of times you tripped on the dance floor equal to, or more or less than, the amount of times you took off your shirt?
Ah, remember the good times?

The only thing Dancing has left to offer this season is that tiny inner circle of “savants” – those socially awkward, home-schooled pasty faces with facial tics who just keep spelling correctly – over and over – on and on – past prime time and bumping the local news into late night, endlessly employing that damn “silent e” rule to perfection until you wonder why you were ever rooting for them in the first place.

Erin Andrews, Evan Lycasek and Nicole Scherzinger take the stage tonight. All are comparable in talent (more or less), and are all paired with well-seasoned professionals who excel at hiding the deficiencies of their amateur partners.

I expected they’d all come off within reach of one another and that damn mirror ball trophy tonight.

And they did.

After all, we must have suspense until the absolute last minute.

But I don’t want suspense.  I want clumsy footwork, total ignorance of rhythm and ill-fitting costumes that show too much of Niecy Nash’s “jiggly parts.”

Ah, Neicy Nash.  I never missed my water ’til my well ran dry.

I need train wreck!

Bring on the next season of The Bachelorette… and fast!

Having said all that, props to Erin, Evan and Nicole. I’m sure they are working their tails off. And as far as the spelling bee plate-heads mentioned above, I would certainly have to count myself as part of their company. I couldn’t even get to the spelling bee county finals, much less anything that would ever be televised.

And, well,  as you can see, I wasn’t exactly the epitome of cool in my youth.
Read on, if you dare.

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy are still coming off like they know they are destined for third place.  No ambition, lots of elementary hip-jiggling, and an overdose of going out of their way to embarrass the stodgy old judge Len Goodman for the sake of the cameras.  Yes, it was hot, but would it have been that hot without Erin’s next-to-nothing outfit?  Or wait… does anyone care about the answer to that question?  Hello?  May I get the word origin, please?

Second round was the freestyle.  Maks threw Erin around some college apartment furniture.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, but all season these two have not danced like champs.  They always seem to lack that “oh wow” moment even though they seem to build an “oh wow” moment into every single routine. I did like that Carrie Anne made a point of mentioning that it was not Maks’ strong suit to “make his partner look good.” Haha, Maks loves himself.  Has he ever won a season?  Does his ego turn voters off?

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 55

Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya - Evan is really on his way to being a real-live boy! He started off with the Viennese waltz, to the tune of – gasp! –  ”Piano Man” (because nothing screams Viennese waltz like Billy Joel).  But lots of props from the judges. Pinocchio really blew their minds.

But things went south for the little puppet made of pine during the freestyle.  The minute I heard the first few notes of “Footloose,” I self-proclaimed these two “runners-up.”  Don’t care how good they’ve been in the past.  Having to flail and bop around to any song by Kenny Loggins can’t help but scream, “high school musical.”

“Underwhelming… would you please use it in a sentence?”  Yikes, Evan and Anna were terribly underwhelming tonight!

I know these teams don’t have a say in the songs, and yes the crowd went wild afterwards, but come on.  The Little Rascals executed more joyful and sophisticated moves, and they were living through the Depression!

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 52

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough – The Bubble Gum Twins cannot be stopped.  But what do you call that weird move they ended their first dance with?  Some sort of “hands on a clock” thingy I can’t quite put my finger on.  It was hot, and yet kinda creepy and freak-like at the same time.  I was waiting for Len, Carrie Ann and Bruno to start chanting, “We accept her… we accept her… gooble gobble… one of US!”   Instead, they quibbled for the sake of the home audience, then of course gave the Twins stellar scores.

And the freestyle?  Well, is there any way these two can lose after tonight?  A slight slip at the end was excused in the face of their unmatched ambitious choreography (light years ahead of Maks and Erin). Love how Tom Bergeron rushed them over for their scores, warning “…or The Bachelorette starts late!”   Really, the only thing these two can do to blow it at this point is make their two dances tomorrow night tributes to the Budweiser Clydesdales.

A TOTAL OF 55 FOR THE NIGHT

And the winners? I think it’s clear. It’s for The Bubble Gum Twins to lose.

As for me, unless there’s some huge upset I hear about from the East Coast tomorrow evening, I’m checking out here. I’m digging on all the surprisingly gripping corporate shenanigans happening on the unfortunately titled The Good Wife, and that finale is up against the second hour of Stars tomorrow. Frankly, I can do without two more hours of heel-kicking savants until next season.

But I will be back next season.

See you there!

And for the first time in a long while, Brothers and Sisters actually lived up to its own hype.

The promise that one of the cast was “not coming back” was a little too carefully worded, leading me to believe that it didn’t actually equal ”being torn apart by a pack of rabid wolves ON SCREEN so there can be no question about the character’s absolute demise,” which is my personal dream for Scotty (nothing against actor Luke McFarlane). “Not coming back” could have just as easily meant “leaving town for some made-up job opportunity,” which is always a let-down for a season finale, but a cheap cop-out device that is used way too often for me to dismiss it as a sincere possibility.

But tonight, B&S actually knocked someone off, and in a fairly impressive Highway 101 pile-up scene (I’m trying to remember if it’s actually 101 – I used to drive it from Orange County through Ojai and Ventura and into Santa Barbara during my college years, but that was a long time ago).

I didn’t even find it forced that all the major characters were on the road at the same time and in close enough proximity to crash into one another (for once, not figuratively).

Yes, there were a few eye-rolling moments (Did Saul really hear his HIV status for the first time on that call with Nora?), and a lot of filler (Justin and Rebecca, as usual).  And considering how long we’ve been made to wait for the big secret of Narrow Lake, the fact that it’s just a lot of water was a huge letdown.  If it took this long for Holly, Nora and Sarah to find it with their crack drilling time, and considering it’s truly “an ocean of water” down below, how was it so easy for William Walker to find it thirty-some-odd years ago and realize that he needed to purchase the land, pronto.  Or am I missing something?

Whoops, I gave away a plot point before the jump.  Sorry about that.  I won’t give away any more until after.  But just so you know, there’s a lot of water at Narrow Lake and everyone’s going to be rich.  Ojai Foods just folded last week, and now the entire damn Walker family is worth more than they were before.  I hate televsion.

More spoilers below.  You’ve been warned.
It was a toss-up for most of the episode, but ultimately the Grim Reaper came-a-callin’ for ex-Senator Robert McAllister, who’d been recently flirting with heart attack number two, but was instead done-in by a non-successful collision with a great big semi.

I couldn’t tell if that was a seat belt in the background or a piece of something actually stuck into the side of Rob Lowe’s head during his farewell scene with Calista Flockhart. Could you?  Either way, it was rough to watch, and Rob and Calista did great work with their teary farewells, with Robert admitting between his weak final breaths how scared he was to become a father until he saw how strong Kitty was as a mother. I knew Rob Lowe was leaving the show, but I was sure the writers would devise a scenario that would allow him to return next season just in case he wanted to.  But this ain’t LOST, and there ain’t no sideways worlds, so that creepy final icy look on Rob Lowe’s face seems to confirm that Senator McAllister is in fact worm food and that Kitty is now a widow.  Makes sense dramatically now that Sarah is hooked up with Luc.  We need at least one Walker babe to be single to permit an onslaught of good-looking male actors to cycle through the B&S doors next season.  R.I.P. Rob Lowe and may your next series be more successful than Dr. Vegas.

Other than all the red herrings the show threw out to lead us to think that it could be any Walker at any time to bite the dust, the biggest head-spinner seems to be that Uncle Saul is HIV positive.  While I’m happy at the notion that Ron Rifkin, who has been doing great work for decades, is finally being given a story arc on this show that will allow him to do more than simply throw his hands in the air and say, “let’s not over-react here, Nora,” I was really – and I mean REALLY –  disappointed in the way the writers threw this in out of absolutely nowhere!

Granted, it’s always a smart move to have one or two characters around whose history we know very little about so the writers can put them into play at any given moment with a newly-invented back story that advances everything forward.  But come on!  In the span of one episode, Saul way-too-feverishly denies the need for an HIV test.  Then, Saul admits that a past dalliance is living with HIV and that he’s afraid to actually have the test.  Then, Saul has an HIV test.  Then, Saul calls to find out the results in front of his own sister and without missing a beat tells her that he’s totally  fine.  Then Saul is immediately in a major car accident and finds himself bleeding profusely.  Then, Saul warns his family off dramatically and shouts that they can’t touch him. Then, Saul looks away in shame. Hooray for a real dramatic door opening up for Ron Rifkin next season, but what a rip off to the character, and the audience.

There’s not really much more.  if you care about Justin and Rebecca, you need to go elsewhere.

Oh!  One more thing.  Saul and Scotty were preparing the menu for their new restaurant and Lamb Burgers with Mint Garlic Sauce was mentioned as an item on their menu.  I’m not saying the writers of Brothers and Sisters are checking out Tv Food and Drink, but it isn’t totally out of the realm of possibility.

And what did you think? Has the show redeemed its wobbly season with this episode? Are you sad neither Justin nor Rebecca bit the dust? Should we worry about Patricia Wettig’s character even though she’s married to one of the show’s producers? I would love to know what’s on your mind.

Oh well.

Despite all the hype surrounding her joining the cast this season, Pam ended up in the bottom two more often than any other celebrity, so it was inevitable that she’d get the boot, despite being not half bad on the floor and giving the best smoldering volcano eyes of any female on the show against her.

As for Jake… he couldn’t dance much, but he knew where his bread was buttered.

A-hem.

And so, with Shannen Doherty, Kate Goseelin and Pam Anderson gone, the Dancing with the Stars Season Ten Dream House is left with a cluster of semi-celebrities and personalities whose names are often mentioned in the same breath with the phrase, “Wait, don’t tell me… I know who that is.”

That’s unfortunate.

Also unfortunate is the fact that the show itself continues to grow in length despite the dwindling number of competitors.  And so, hurtling to next week’s semi-finals, we were forced last night to labor through even longer, overblown tape pieces, an unnecessary “future dance” from two dance professionals donning silver from head to toe like rejects from Mr. Freeze’s crime posse… and hostess Brooke Burke multiplying by seven hundred the number of times she glares at the camera and warns, “don’t assume anyone is safe.”

Yes, I was a little bored tonight.  I don’t watch this show because I actually care about who will win a glamorous mirror ball trophy.  I just like watching the tabloid grabbers.  Kate Gosselin lumbering around the stage like an aged three-legged show pony was some of the best television I’ve seen in all of 2010!

And now that the evil axis of dancing divas has been totally eradicated, there are no more women that interest me.

Even worse, now that Jake and Aiden Turner are gone, there aren’t any other shirtless men I care to see.

But I’m in it for the long haul, watchers, eaters and drinkers, just like YOU!

And I’m praying for some surprises

Or at least a broken ankle.

And one more thing…

I’m sorry, but if Niecy Nash survives another week on this show, I swear I’m going to have to start my Monday night drinking two hours earlier, which means martinis on the treadmill.

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke – This week, all teams were required to learn two full dances.  First up in the ballroom round were Chad and Cheryl.   The double routine duty seemed to limit what Chad was able to master in the course of a week… and it showed!  It was one of those performances you hold your breath through, not because it’s so good, but because it’s almost – but not yet – on the verge of being Cop-Rock horrific, and you just pray the performers finish before it implodes all around them.   And thankfully, they did.

Chad and Cheryl were much more successful with their second dance – a jive that was definitely lively, even if it was drastically less ambitious.  But Chad’s crushed blood red velvet suit with the zebra pattern lapels was a bit much. He reminded me of a third-string henchman from the Filet of Sole scenes in Live and Let Die (Google it… after you Google Cop Rock).

I think Chad and Cheryl are still in it, though.  When they move right, it’s hard to take your eyes off of them.

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 45

Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel – I like Niecy. Her sassiness is fun and has been a definite zap to the collective Dancing with the Stars frijoles.

But to take a page from all my Jewish friends… “Oy!  HER I have to watch dance again??” (I probably shouldn’t mix Jews with Mexican food this late in the evening).

Anyway, the ballroom dance was again hindered  (I’ll say it) by the fact that there is a definite weight imbalance between Niecy and her partner, Louis.  Niecy needed to be paired with a taller male partner with a wider upper body.  She’s been fighting an uphill battle all season (and really, that’s just a guess.  What do I actually know about these things?).

But Niecy always musters through, and usually has a moment or two of flash in each dance.

Tonight though, there was none of that.

It was pretty… but not very ambitious, and certainly not the kind of performance that’s gonna get a so-so dancer into the final four.

Unfortunately, Niecy’s second dance, a nineties-style pasa doble, was even worse.  In those yellow and black costumes, she and Louis looked like two bumble bees trapped inside a pinball machine.

The judges agreed.

Carrie Anne even referred to them as “bumper cars.”

Maybe Niecy’s fan base will save her again, but it’s pretty clear based on performance that the time has come for this team to go.

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 43

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy scored their highest scores last week and still ended up in the bottom two, leading me to believe that Erin’s fan base is shrinking by the week, while Neicy’s is growing faster than even her “jiggly parts” can keep up.

Maks and Erin’s Argentine tango featured some nice footwork and a fascinating “spreading crotch leap” by Erin landing directly in Maks’ face (it was hot).

But beyond that, there wasn’t much else worth noting as far as I could tell.

I guess I don’t understand the subtleties of the tango because their performance snagged a 10 out of Len, and he’s the toughest cookie of all.

Next came a Miami Vice version of the rumba, which took me back to the pink paisley shirt with black suspenders and matching argyle socks I wore to Disneyland once when I was sixteen. If you happened to catch a vision of me in The Enchanted Tiki Room, I’m sure I’m still ringing through your subconscious to this day.  If I can find a pic, I promise to post it here.

Anyway, their rumba was just gross. And that’s exactly the right word for it.  And the wardrobe didn’t help. In their hard-sell eighties purple garb, neither Erin or Maks looked very good, nor did they look obviously cheeky in a way that clearly proclaimed “over the top.” They just looked my sister and her husband lazily dressed up for a neighborhood 80s Halloween party.

Plus, the dance was stiff, clumsy and boring, or as Len nailed it perfectly in one word, “jerky.”

And Maks, yet again hammed it up on camera during the judge’s review, which is becoming incredibly stiff and jerky in a way all its own.
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 53

By the way, what is up with Brooke Burke’s phony adoration for Erin’s crotch leap?  Her “That was soooo fun to watch!” was praise about as genuine as a kid who’s just opened up a Sears maple leaf turtleneck for Christmas.

Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya - Here we go.  Is it just me, or does anyone else expect Evan Lysacek at any moment to wave his wrists above his head and start singing “I’ve Got No Strings” with his favorite little cricket buddy by his side? Every week it’s like pulling teeth to get some real emotion out of this guy.

Evan and Anna’s ballroom performance was a drag.  It started okay with the two of them rolling around each other on the floor.  They just never should have gotten up.  From them on, it was forced and predictable, with the two of them twirling around endlessly like Christopher Atkins and Kristy McNichol in The Pirate Movie (Google it!).  At the end, Evan got deservedly spanked by the judges for his continual inability to open up emotionally in any way on the dance floor.

Later came their futuristic cha-cha. Apparently in the future, everyone will move with the mechanical preservation of Rosie the Maid from The Jetsons and paint their faces like drunken extras from the Star Wars Cantina scene. Despite the fog machine, which I personally never tire of, the dance was a total snooze. However, the judges applauded Evan on embracing a style that celebrates his naturally-robotic movements, and awarded him justly.
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 53

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough – Oy vey… here come the Bubble Gum Twins! You know what I hate about Nicole and Derek?  There’s absolutely nothing snarky to say about them. Guess what?  They were awesome in their first performance of the night… again! Well, good for them!  They really deserve to win.  Remember that perfect classmate of yours in high school who was elected student body president?  And then voted homecoming queen? And later proclaimed “Most Likely to Succeed.”  And despite all that… you still really liked them?

Well… that’s Nicole and Derek.

But still…  I’d give my left nut if Kate Gosselin would just bust out unexpectedly on stage in the middle of their dancing and try to do a handstand!

In her rehearsal footage, Nicole tried to convince us that dancing is really hard for her.  Did she forget that just last week Carrie Ann labeled her the best dancer the show has ever seen?  She’s a Pussycat Doll for God’s sake! She dances for a living.  It’s awesome to watch them, but I feel badly for everyone else in this competition.  They’re trying so hard, and Nicole and Derek continue to dance circles around them.

If the judges were honest for half a second, they would admit that no one else holds a candle to these two, award the trophy now, and head up the coast for the next three weeks (I recommend Point Reyes, a few hours north of San Francisco).

Nicole and Derek’s second dance was a 1950’s inspired paso doble, and it was by far THE dance of the night. They really are incredible together.   And thankfully, the (sometimes) tepid DWTS vocalists took a rest on this one.  It was purely drums, bass guitar and horns, and it was HOT!

Really, I mean it.  From the hair to the costumes to the music and the moves, it was REALLY HOT!

Can’t you just see Maks grinding his teeth off-stage in the stupid “celebraquarium?”

Nicole and Derek were rewarded with five 10s overall and A TOTAL OF 59 FOR THE NIGHT
Top score: Nicole and Derek (no surprise)

Bottom score: Niecy and Louis (also no surprise)

Who’s going home? Even though she’s clearly got fan momentum, I’m placing my chips on Niecy and Louis.

What do you think?  Are Nicole and Derek a lock?  Is Niecy the next to say farewell?  Do you miss Pamela Anderson?  Is Evan headed to an inevitable encounter with Lampwick and Monstro the Whale?  I’d love to hear from ya!

I don’t think I’ve ever planned my entire day around an impending episode of Saturday Night Live, but the first thought I had when I woke up this morning was, “Hey!  It’s Betty White night!”

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.

I was lucky enough to produce Betty’s appearance on GSN Live a little over a year ago. There have been few times in my life where I was actually tongue-tied around a celebrity, but when you come face to face with Betty White, you know you are in the company of not only greatness, but also sincere warmth and charm the likes of which you don’t run into too often in Hollywood.

Her appearance on our show was preceded by a pre-interview by phone that was only supposed to only last five minutes but that I managed to stretch to about twenty just so I could get all the answers to my decades-long burning Match Game questions. I still find it hard to believe the Match Game panel didn’t drink in between shows, but Betty swears there was no alcohol that she ever noticed, and you don’t argue with Betty White.

I am guessing that not only will Betty be pretty damn amazing tonight, but that the rest of the cast is going to really step up their games as well. The mind reels at the sketch possibilities. Riffs on Password? The Mary Tyler Moore Show? The Golden Girls with Kristen Wiig as Blanche, Rachel Dratch as Sophia and Fred Armisen as Dorothy perhaps? We shall see. And while I’m glad to see Dratch, Fey and Amy Poehler among other past female cast members returning tonight, I really wish they had pushed that event to another Saturday. I really don’t want them soaking up any time away from Betty.

Enjoy the clip from GSN Live’s tribute to Betty’s late husband, Password host Allen Ludden. She was pretty spectacular. And that’s me you can hear laughing off stage!