Ringer: “It’s Gonna Kill Me, But I’ll Do It” (The CW)

Ringer The Cw Sarah Michelle Gellar Bridget SiobhanFive Things the Characters on “Ringer” and The CW Need to Remember if They Want Us To Keep Watching

Episode 1-04 / Originally Aired 10/4/11

We know that even with the smartest of television shows, it’s only a matter of time before at least one story line is completely bungled.  We’ve all witnessed it.  Characters get written into a box that the writers can’t get them out of and suddenly….Boom! AMNESIA! Or maybe … Boom! FIVE YEARS LATER!  Or God forbid… Atomic Boom!  IT WAS ALL A DREAM!

Writers are only human, after all.  And who hasn’t hit a creative wall at least once in their life while a deadline loomed?  And often times, a show really can pick up the pieces from a mess of a plotline and regain its former glory.

But when a fumble like that happens only four episodes in to the run of a series, you’ve really got to question whether the people involved had any idea what they were gonna do if their show went past the pilot episode.

I’m still rooting for you, Ringer.  I’ve been watching you since Day One.  I like my night time soaps mixed with a little corporate shenanigans and foreign intrigue, and you seem to have all the elements necessary to become water cooler conversation.

And yet… I faintly remember reading a film review by Roger Ebert, where he said something along the lines of: “In order for me to believe the story, at minimum the characters on screen must be at least as smart as the stupidest real person I’ve ever met.”

So it’s with great hopefulness that I present the five major storytelling rules broken on last night’s episode.  And out of kindness to the stupidest real people I’ve ever met, I’ll lay blame squarely at the feet of the fictional characters in the show.

Ringer The CW Sarah Michelle Gellar Kristoffer Polaha HenryRule #1: Never discuss your biggest secret with the door behind you wide open.

Even maniacal super-villains who reveal their detailed evil plans for world domination to James Bond right before they completely fail at killing him and allow him to escape and return to foil their plans — even THEY would have the sense to at least close the door behind them before discussing the fact that they impregnated another woman while their own wife is around to possibly overhear.

Yet, here we have Henry, so frustratingly stupid at keeping his affair with Siobhan a secret even the producers of Cheaters wouldn’t know what to do with him.

Yep, Henry babbled his undying devotion to Bridget-as-Siobhan (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and then insisted that he was the father of her unborn baby, and neither one of them had enough sense to hold up the “hang on a sec” finger and tippy-toe over to close the door, the way real people do when discussing the truth about Santa or what they’re dressing up as for Halloween.

Ringer The CS Sarah Michelle Gellar Tara Summers GemmaAnd sure enough, that was Henry’s wife Gemma hanging out on the other side of the door, soaking up the complete, heartbreaking story. What did Henry and Siobahn expect?  When fifty percent of the dinner party suddenly goes missing, odds are unless there’s a deck of UNO cards around, the other fifty percent are gonna get up and go look for them.

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Person of Interest: “Ghosts” (CBS)

Person of Interest CBS Jim Caviezel Michael Emerson
Person of Interest CBS Jim Caviezel Michael Emerson

Flashbacks! Box Cutters! Orphans! “Person of Interest” has something for the whole family!

Episode 1-02 / Originally Aired 9/29/11

There were plenty of long-term mysteries opened up in this week’s episode of Person of Interest.  What exactly happened to Michael Emerson’s better looking business partner leading to his unfortunate demise in 2010?  Who exactly was Mr. Finch referring to when he longingly stared into the camera and spoke of losing someone he cared about?  Most importantly, where can I find a punky skateboard dude to hook me up with one of those nifty ATM account code skimmers?

Thankfully, one mystery was resolved this week, and it’s a pretty major one.  Turns out that Jim Caviezel’s John Reese is the kind of guy who doesn’t think twice about dropping fifty bucks on a cheeseburger from Room Service.  THIS, right here folks, is the kind of guy you want to plan a two-week vacation to Disney World with!  Just think about all the over-priced churros and corn dogs you’ll get to feast on throughout the day!  And that’s even before you make that long “Trek of Temptation” down Main Street, U.S.A on your way to the exit.  All the gift shops! All the emporiums!  With big spender and former CIA operative John Reese on your arm, there’s absolutely no way you’re coming out of that place without at least five hundred bucks worth of Mickey Mouse pizza plates, Nightmare Before Christmas ankle socks, and Tinkerbell coin purses.  And that’s all after he pops the overweight dad at the base of his skull with a Glock C-20 for trying to push his little brat in front of you during the “Goofy’s Jammin’ Jungle” Parade.

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Ringer: “If You Ever Want a French Lesson” (The CW)

Ringer Sarah Michelle Gellar The CW

Bridget ignores the “Gilligan Rule,” Siobhan locks lips with Knight Rider, and we meet “Mr. Constipation.”

Episode 1-03 / Originally Aired 9/27/11

“It’s not easy being the more successful twin,” my identical brother Dax sighed into the phone while packing for Shanghai. “The expectations are enormous! If I don’t have a new gadget in the kitchen to point out to mom and dad every time they come over, I can literally see the worry forming on their faces. It’s like… what’s he doing with himself? There’s three open shelves and last time there were only two.  Has he lost sight of his potential?'”

I was only half-listening. I was in the middle of trying to fish out my favorite South Park magnet from underneath the fridge using a grabby thing I’d made out of a wire coat hanger thanks to a video I saw on WikiTips.com.

“It’s murder!” he continued.  “All this material accumulation becomes a prison after a while. I hope you don’t hate hearing this, but there are people in this world who just have too much going for them.”

Dax is fond of saying, “I hope you don’t hate hearing this,” just before informing me of some painful nugget of knowledge he thinks I’m not aware of yet, like that I apparently swing a bat like a Park Avenue wedding planner, or that when I sing it triggers the mating urge in donkeys.

I know that there are many out there who dream about having a twin and fantasize over all the fun that comes with it… inventing secret languages, playing pranks on teacher, the unique opportunities in the world of on-line porn. But it’s far more work than those people imagine, especially when you feel like your twin is a David Beckham smile and you’re a set of plastic Halloween hillbilly teeth.

It’s been my personal experience that the grass has always been greener on the other side of the amniotic sac.

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Person of Interest: Pilot (CBS)

Person of Interest CBS Michael Emerson Jim Caviezel J.J. Abrams Jonathan Nolan
Person of Interest CBS Michael Emerson Jim Caviezel J.J. Abrams Jonathan Nolan

Michael Emerson and Jim Caviezel Are Stopping Crimes Before They Happen

Episode 1-01 / Originally Aired 9/22/11

I was disheartened to discover that the new CBS series Person of Interest is about a former CIA agent and a reclusive billionaire teaming up to solve crimes that have yet to happen, and in fact not based on my Facebook home page, as I had initially been told.
Facebook page Gary Green Tv Food and Drink

Believe it or not, I wasn’t in the least bit surprised to hear that https://www.facebook.com/garygreenlives had been given the green light for a prime time network slot, considering the universal praise I regularly receive for clever status updates and the army of up-thumbs that celebrate each and every one of my Foursquare check-ins.

And after all, wasn’t Father of the Pride based on a Vegas animal act?  S**t My Dad Says based on a Twitter feed? And Cavemen based on those punchy commercials for auto insurance?  It’s just a matter of time until a lazy network decides to base an hour-long show on a Facebook profile, and even though it didn’t happen this fall, I still intend mine to be the first.

To that end, I’ve already re-vamped my page to be more instantly appealing to programming executives looking to satisfy the average American viewer. The only pictures I now post have me posed alongside at least one of the following:

A.) A curmudgeonly boss who occasionally reveals himself to have a heart of gold.

B.) A sassy, racially-ambiguous street kid with God-given song-and-dance skills.

C.) A sexy but insecure female neighbor forever giving her heart to Mr. Wrong, and with whom I may eventually try to have a baby.

D.) A cuddly fur-bearing alien with a mastery of sarcasm and an insatiable desire to make love to the kitchen appliances.

E.) Ted McGinley.

Additionally, my profile now reads as follows:

In a Relationship With: A variety of film actors whose careers are on the decline, though they only appear in my life during the months of November, February and May.

Profession: Varies from month to month, but always have the same number of people below me as I have above me.

Lives In: An unidentified town somewhere in Middle America for the first five years.  After that, the big city.

Attended High School At: Someplace at whose reunion I plan on bringing a close friend to pass off as my enormously successful spouse.

Interests and Activities: Randomly starting businesses (especially cookie making). Replacing the director of local talent shows at the last minute.  Reluctantly getting dragged to sex shops by friends in an attempt to put the ZING back into my relationship.  Occasionally appearing at a high-profile amusement park, on a game show hosted by Lyle Waggoner, or popping up on the Facebook page that immediately follows my own.

Person of Interest CBS Michael Emerson Jim Caviezel J.J. Abrams Jonathan Nolan

The ad campaign for Person of Interest asks, “What if you could stop crimes before they happen?”  My response to that is, “I’d probably get into a shit load of trouble.”  Consider it for a moment.  It’s only heroic to chase down a skeezy street urchin, slam his head against a dumpster and sit on his neck until the cops arrive after he’s mugged the ninety year old Russian woman.  Doing it before means at worst you might be accused of racial profiling and prosecuted for a hate crime.  At best, you’ll be required to attend anger management classes.

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Ringer: “She’s Ruining Everything” (The CW)

Ringer The CW Sarah Michelle Gellar
Ringer The CW Sarah Michelle Gellar body in trunk

Sarah Michelle Gellar Proves It’s Not a Party Without a Dead Hit Man in the Trunk

Episode 1-02 / Originally Aired 9/20/11

Throwing a stupendous Titanic-themed party for hundreds of uptown New Yorkers fresh from their latest round of divorce hearings and nanny beating is hard enough. But having to throw said socialite shindig while simultaneously concealing the body of the mystery assassin you recently killed and stuffed into an antique steamer trunk after he mistook you for your identical twin sister and tried to murder you in your unfinished Manhattan loft is definitely a task that’s going to require an extra can of Red Bull, maybe even a B-12 shot.

And yet, Sarah Michelle Gellar, playing the character of Bridget who in turn is newly-playing the role of her supposedly deceased sister and party hostess, Siobhan, managed not only to keep the goofy corpse from popping up like an animatronic spook from The Haunted Mansion, but she also made sure that the Brie was room temperature and there was plenty of peanut oil for the Oriental Tartlets, all without ever once mussing her super-chic Madonna clip-on ponytail.

Had Sarah Jessica Parker seen every horrendous obstacle tossed into poor Sarah Michelle’s way (blood leaking out onto the floor, the corpse’s phone ringing during her husband’s welcome speech) she might have considered changing the name of her last movie from I Don’t Know How She Does It to That’s All You Did Today… and What, No Pie?

It certainly put my last party to shame. But that might have been my fault. I didn’t spell-check my E-vite so instead of it saying “Pool Party,” it accidentally went out as “Poof Party” and everyone showed up dressed as Quentin Crisp. I tried to make lemons into lemonade by asking my guests if they knew any jokes appropriate to the occasion. Turns out there’s only one: “Why did Quentin Crisp cross the road? Because he wished to pen a more elegant foreward to The Naked Civil Servant.”
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Watching: Ringer: Pilot (The CW)

Ringer Sarah Michelle Gellar The CW

Sarah Michelle Gellar Considers the Upside of a Dead Twin

Episode 1-01 / Originally Aired 9/13/11

Assuming the identity of my dead twin is something I’ve been wanting to cross off my list of “10 Things to Make Myself More Interesting at Parties” for years now, along with winning the Olympics, getting kidnapped, and mastering close-up hand magic.

So far my twin brother, Dax, has been unwilling to cooperate by dying on his own, though his is definitely a life I would actively kill for. While Dax won the “Existence Jackpot,” I won the consolation Lee Press-On Nails and five-piece tea service. Strapping and masculine, Dax falls ass-backwards into money and flashes credit cards with colors I didn’t even know existed. The bathroom faucet never inadvertently sprays the front of his pants right before an important meeting. His business card is the one always picked out of the jar. His career as a successful hand-model allows him nine months of the year off, during which he helps build houses for Jimmy Carter.

Forget what you hear on Dr. Oz, everyone knows there’s always a “more successful twin.”

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