Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” – January 27, 2014: #YourTopTweets #Bachelor


Juan Pablo I would just like to say I visually enjoy you #Bachelor

Does every season of this show HAVE to have a girl with a lazy eye? #Bachelor

How is “Dog Lover” a profession? #bachelor

If I say “Donut Eater” is a profession, can I give up the law and just eat Krispy Kremes all day? #Bachelor

Unfortunately we could only clear songs in the public domain so they all did Karaoke to “Stars and Stripes Forever” #Bachelor

What do I need to do to get a ‘Sharleen is not impressed’ meme going? #bachelor

Idk how I feel about sharleen.. #Bachelor

charlene needs to go #bachelor

I hate Sharleeen #Bachelor

Sharleen says she doesn’t want children. Juan Pablo has a child. So naturally he gives her the rose. #Bachelor

Sharleen: Yes, I love children. They’re delicious! #Bachelor


Pervert Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 20, 2014 – #Bachelor

Why do we always want the drunken basket case to get the ax on The Bachelor? We always regret it later. Last week, we said goodbye to Victoria, that crapulous cross-eyed wipeout from Boca Raton. True, she probably wouldn’t be much of a role-model for Cah-mee-yah, except when it came to teaching the little darling how to pass out on a bus. But without Victoria and that bag she was half in, what are we left with? That’s right… girls who drink responsibly. And they never do anything interesting. Think about it… how often have you heard someone start a story about a wild weekend with, “Oh my god we got sooooo conservatively tipsy!”?

But that’s where we stand this week. And now 12 girls are gone. That means 15 are left, but 6 of them have problem skin, so we know they’re out. And no girl who wears little flowers on top her head gets anywhere in life, so the clock is ticking on Hippie Chick. And when has anyone ever said, “I’m rooting for the opera singer!” and not been laughed out of the room? Yep, this season can end one way, and one way only. There’s gonna be one happy Professional Dog Lover with a big ring from Neil Lane on her hand very soon! READ MORE

Pervert Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 13, 2014 – #Bachelor

It’s not enough anymore to show weepy chicks in bikinis running around drunk and hysterical on The Bachelor.  I was watching humiliated Victoria stampede through the cocktail party in tears, struggling to keep herself upright as she screamed at producers and demanded to go home, and all I could think was, “Man, she better fall down some stairs or run through a big pane of glass or something!”

I have to be honest.  For just a moment, I was rooting for it.  This is what I have come to.  Watching an undernourished human soul get crushed to a fine powder on national television is no longer enough to stimulate me. I must now also have some snuff. READ MORE –>

Pervert Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 6, 2014 – #Bachelor

It was worth sitting through two hours of The Bachelor tonight just to see that one red headed girl walk up to accept her rose at the end, only to realize too late Juan Pablo hadn’t said her name.

Poor Kylie the Interior Designer. She thought she got a rose on The Bachelor and made a big fool of herself. Then, she was made to go back and stand on her spot again and smile through the rest of the Rose Ceremony. And after all that, she STILL didn’t get a rose! I felt so badly for her. Horrendously embarrassed in front of everyone, and then when there was a slim chance her luck might turn around… BLAMO!!! More Humiliation!

Poor, poor Kylie. She is truly the “Ziggy” of Bachelorettes.

And hey… did anyone else notice this weird shot they held way too long while introducing Andi, the Attorney from Georgia?   She was going on and on about how meaningful the law was to her, and all I could think was: “Wow, that public defender really wants to bang her!” Am I the only one seeing this?  READ MORE –>

The Bachelor: Countdown to Pervert #JuanPablo Galavis – January 5, 2014 – #Bachelor

Was anyone else disappointed that tonight wasn’t the actual first episode of The Bachelor, but rather some sort of drawn-out Bachelor preview entitled, “Countdown to Juan Pablo”?  A countdown to Juan Pablo is about as necessary as a countdown to the McRib.  But I guess ABC knows I’ll sit through just about anything they put into my television set, even that show with the British aliens who live next door to Jami Gertz.

So what exactly did we learn about this season’s love-chasers tonight?  Nothing much.  The hour was mostly comprised of assorted women throwing their arms in the air and squealing “Juan Pablo!” in that same embarrassing way my grandma squeals when she gets a BINGO.

There was also an uncomfortable tribute to Gia, but I don’t want to talk about that.

Oh yeah, in case you had money on it one way or the other, Chris Harrison is still on the show.

I kid Chris Harrison.  He walked into a dream gig.  And he’s probably a nice guy.  But after, what, 18 seasons of spelling out the serpentine-like intricacies that make up the “rules” of this show, can’t they just insert shots of him from previous seasons?  We really don’t need him to continue spelling out for us what might happen when you shove 25 girls into a house with a hot Venezuelan soccer player and giant rugs from Aladdin. He’s just eating up valuable time I could be watching slim people making out in blue, heated water.  Plus they dress Chris like a Baskin Robbins store manager.  The only thing missing is a hat with “31” in big puffy letters on his head.  Someone really should say something. READ MORE –>

The Bachelor/Bachelorette – “We Remember Those Lost in Seasons Past” Gallery

As Bachelorette fan-favorite and pervert Juan Pablo Galavis prepares to dive into ABC’s reality romance pool Sunday night (a two-parter continuing on Monday), we at TV Food and Drink would like to take a moment to pay tribute to all the brave seekers who’ve fallen in seasons past.  Because of their public humiliations, true love endures.

What would the Bachelor franchise have been without Britt the Food Writer, who stood there and did nothing for half the season before getting tossed off a yacht in the middle of Episode Six?  And remember Blockehad Ryan who took so long to get the clue he was getting dumped by Emily Maynard the show actually had to go to commercial and come back so he could continue reading his “Perfect Woman” list? READ MORE –>

The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock FINALE – Your #TopTweets: August 5, 2013

If there is a God in heaven, there won’t be a poem.

LOL What is “Bachelorette Nation!” u ask? It’s 43 divorcees with overly-processed hair and bad necklaces. #Bachelorette

Three-hour #Bachelorette  finale tonight? OH GOD NO… THE TWEETS

Nothing makes me loathe twitter more than #bachelor / #bachelorette finale nights.

These people are all circus geeks.  #Bachelorette

Des should try dating on Craigslist #Bachelorette

Blah… blah…  journey…#Bachelorette

Once again, ABC wins and I lose. #Bachelorette #ratings

This #Bachelorette finale is ridiculous. “Next, we talk to some homeless people under a bridge and see if THEY think Des finds love.”

des looks like she’s about to get her first colonoscopy. #Bachelorette

*opens Twitter*
*scroll* #Bachelorette
*scroll* #SharkWeek
*closes Twitter*

Click here for MORE of your Bachelorette Finale Top Tweets

The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap/Your #TopTweets: July 29, 2013

Time for man tears and location ideas for my next vacation #bachelorette

drinking game rule No. 1: Swig every time someone says “journey” #Bachelorette

That moment when someone offers to do you a favor & you say, “Can you wait til 9 so I don’t miss the #Bachelorette?

Plot twist: the two final guys fall in love, and she’s left all alone. #bachelorette

Watching the #Bachelorette turns me off of love, and turns me on to faking love for attention and money

Drew runs like a cheerleader, hugs like a cheerleader, says “amazing!” like a cheerleader.  Drew is a cheerleader  #Bachelorette

Walking through town, dancing around in circles, eating street food.  They got the cheap date #Bachelorette

Antigua. Cue fake “locals” making music. #Bachelorette

shouldn’t there be less white people #Bachelorette #TheyFilledTheSceneWithTheInterns

Girls on #Twitter proclaiming they’re #TeamDrew can’t see the gay forest for the homosexual trees. Sorry to break it2u. #Bachelorette

How is he supposed to get down on one knee when he’s used to getting down on two? #bachelorette #hopelessromantic #AndDrewisgay

Drew’s sincere?  He’s going to be really sincere when he tells you that he’s a power bottom. #desaster #bachelorette

I bet Drew just lays at the end of the bed like a puppy.. #bachelorette #fantasysuite


The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap: June 10, 2013

If you watched the footage from the security camera in my building’s elevator tonight, you would have seen me tapping my foot furiously and curling my hands into spontaneous “anger fists” as I tried to get up to my apartment in time to recap tonight’s “Things Turn Nasty” episode of The Bachelorette. I got delayed at work and by the time I crossed through my front door, the show had already been on for an hour.  Worse yet, I then had to decide if I was going to overlook the fact that I had no food ready to eat and that my cat had decided that crapping just to the left of the litter box was as good as a direct hit.

So I’m starving, I’m calling in sick tomorrow and I locked my cat in the shower, but here’s your recap.  Food, Career, Loving Pets… what are three things less important to me than The Bachelorette?

First up tonight, we’ve got an unofficial “Group Date.” Desiree shuttles away Chris, Brian, Dimpled Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey T., Brandon, Zach K. and Evil Ben for an afternoon of “competitive dodgeball.” Yes, once again this show is putting two random words together and trying to make us all believe it’s a real thing. It’s like that one bachelor they keep telling us is a professional “Cookie Smeller” or how they keep trying to convince us that Chris Harrison is a “Television Host.”
The guys all dress up like John McEnroe and start stretching. Actually, they only dressed like John McEnroe from the waist up. From the waist down, it was one hundred percent Richard Simmons. Seriously, the last time I saw sausages packed this tight I was in Düsseldorf. The only guy who didn’t seem uncomfortable was Dimpled Drew, who saw the skimpy shorts he was supposed to wear and immediately asked where the parade float was and whether or not he had time to get his angel wings out of the trunk.

Brooks, the dude who had the “wedding date” with Desiree on top the Hollywood Sign last week, and hasn’t washed his hair since, broke his finger and was excused from the rest of the game. Why the hell did I never think of that in grade school? The best excuse I ever came up with to get out of gym was when I told the coach I was protesting strenuous exercise until Luke and Laura finally found their way back to each other. He made me run laps.

Later that evening, Brad the Accountant got up the courage to tell Des about his “haunted past.” I was expecting something truly terrifying, like he’d eaten his twin brother in the womb or written the screenplay for Sex and the City 2. But it turns out he had just been arrested for domestic abuse while trying to wrestle the keys out of the hand of his drunken baby mama, which on The Bachelrotte translates into “I’m one of the guys this season.”

The first rose of the night went to Chris the Mortgage Banker. Chris is this season’s “Whack a Mole” Bachelor. At the start of the season we see him for a brief moment, and then later he pops up once or twice, but by the end he’s made next to no impression and you realize he was probably defective and not worth the time it would have taken you to hit him over the head with a hammer. This week, he got a rose. Next week, the only screen time he’ll get is when the cameraman shooting Bryden stops focusing for a moment to scratch the side of his nose.

And look everyone! Brooks is back from the Emergency Room! And he may not have gotten Desiree, but by the looks of him, he definitely got Demereol!

Click Through for the Rest of Tonight’s #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap!

The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap: June 3, 2013

Well, we should all thank Bachelorette Desiree for playing down the “I was so poor” card this week and leaving the sob stories to the men. And the guys certainly did not disappoint with the misery, did they? Between drug-addicted parents, chronic illnesses, car accidents, and multiple head stitches, they made last night’s Game of Thrones seem like a Suri Cruise pony party.  But I’ve collected myself and if you can be brave, I can be brave.  So let’s all hold hands and proceed with tonight’s recap.

Date #1 this week goes to Brooks, the Marketing Consultant with the “1990s Disney prince hair” and the “I fucked your sister” smile.

Desiree wants to share her passion for designing wedding dresses, so she takes Brooks to a bridal salon and makes him wear a Little Lord Fauntleroy tie, reason number 3 on Cosmo’s “Why You Can’t Get a Second Date” List, just under “You kept quoting Michelle Tanner from Full House” and “Your vagina is located on the underside of your foot.”
I don’t know. Do Brooks and Desiree look like a match made in heaven to you? They look more like the scumbag couple from that crappy sitcom Whitney to me.

Next, they go to for a picnic on top the Hollywood sign. Hey, that’s less than a mile from where I live! In fact, you can see it from Michael’s living room window. Actually, there are some cheap apartment buildings and a billboard for the Spanish edition of The Voice blocking part of it, so you can only see “…Ollywoo…” But it’s still glamorous. Desiree tells Brooks that when she first saw the Hollywood sign, she was inspired to pursue her dreams. I guess people who move here from someplace else think like that about the Hollywood sign. Locals just wait to hear about the next time authorities find a bowling bag stuffed with human heads buried under the “Y.”

After the picnic, Desiree pretends to get lost and drives into what Brooks calls a “shady area of Hollywood” also known as “all of Hollywood.”  Surprise!  Desiree was faking Brooks out. They’re actually going to have a romantic dinner date on top of a closed-off bridge.  It’s almost as romantic as cuddling under the giant neon sign out front Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.

During dinner on the bridge, Brooks reveals that he has a hard time talking about himself.  Get it?  Just like a scary L.A. bridge, Brooks is “closed off.”  Next they try to decide which there are more of in the world: cats named “Desiree” or Craigslist killers named “Brooks.”

After coughing up some hazy daddy issues I wasn’t quite sure I believed, Desiree rewarded Brooks with the first rose of the night.  Off to the side, the Bloods and the Crips applauded and wiped away tears, until a car unexpectedly backfired and everybody ran.

On the Group Date this week were Dan, Juan Pablo, Zach K, Will, Brian, Dimpled Drew, James, Mikey T., Zak, Nick, Michael, Brandon and Ben. The boys performed their own rap video, each dressed in one of the traditional national costumes of Denmark.

Click here for the rest of tonight’s Desiree Hartsock Bachelorette Recap