Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 30, 2012

It’s “Classical Week” on Dancing with the Stars. And that means three things…

1.) A great big, impressive string section that makes you wish you could go back in time and take those musical instrument lessons your mother insisted you’d really thank her for one day.

2.) An inordinate amount of bare chests on the men, because if left on your own, ABC is afraid you’d equate “Classical Week” with portly fops in powdered wigs applauding ever-so-politely at the virtuous daughter of the town squire as she performs on the clavichord only days before she comes down with dysentery.

3.) Special appearances from a variety of elegant and world-renowned musical talents like Joshua Bell, Jackie Evancho, Vittorio Grigolo, and other people I only ever see when they appear on Dancing with the Stars, America’s Got Talent or the ninety-second commercials for their cd’s that air at three in the morning or right around Christmas time.

Yes, it’s true, I’m probably not the classiest guy you’ll ever meet, but as Mark Ballas put it so eloquently tonight, “You can’t spell ‘Classical’ without ‘ass.'”

…and I’m definitely one of those.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Rumba – Mark and Katherine kicked off the night the way all 8pm network programs should: with a rousing Caligula-inspired seduction fest. Mark took off his shirt and achingly gyrated his upper body the way a worm with an S&M fetish might after getting pierced by the hook.  I followed my primary Catholic instinct and immediately changed the channel.  Then I followed my secondary Cathlolic instinct and changed it right back, turned down the volume, pulled my chair right up next to the tv, and promised myself anything that happened from that point forward would go with me to the grave.

Mark and Katherine’s lusty start to the evening reminded me of two very important things: As a team they have no equal this season, and never watch Game of Thrones with your parents in the rom.

You can check out their performance after the jump:

Watch Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkin’s Sexy Rumba Here

Dancing with the Stars: April 30, 2012 – Katherine Jenkins & Mark Ballas Perform the Rumba (VIDEO)

Despite a Mark Ballas shirtless wearing only a cape above the waist, he and his partner Katherine Jenkins received kudos from the judges for not taking their Dancing with the Stars Classical Week rumba down the road of raunch. Click through to watch the dance.

Watch Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins perform the Rumba from Dancing with the Stars Classical Week

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 23, 2012

If one of my siblings or my mother or father becomes famous and gets to be on Dancing with the Stars before I do, that’s pretty much gonna be it for my relationship with them.

I’m not kidding. I’ll cut that family fucker right out of my life.

I don’t even care that they’d be able to get me some good seats to watch Derek Hough shirtless… and I’m talking “Florence Henderson” good… right up in the front!  Not those chintzy, upper rafter seats where you can find the cousins of all the lighting guys and Season Four’s John Ratzenberger desperately waving at the camera like they’re flagging in a distressed plane for an emergency landing.

In the race for fame, I’m pretty sure everyone else in my family is ahead of me. After all, they’ve all got that one “thing” they can point to… that characteristic or quality that defines them for the rest of the world… professional success, moneymaker, joker, disciplinarian, athlete, compulsive liar, drug dealer…

Just like all the celebrities on Dancing with the Stars, everybody in my famiy fits nicely into an easily definable and readily understood personality cubby hole.

Everyone except me.

I’m still sort of waiting for my defining quality… those select two or three phrases that will sit just below my name in a slightly smaller font when I’m introduced in my Dancing with the Stars rehearsal tape package, and later, on the door of my crypt.

I really don’t want my graphic to read: “Gary Green. Makes Great Pizza. Still Holding on to a 32-inch waist. Once met Gilligan.”  Those bullet points won’t even get me to Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.

So, I’m still waiting for that “thing.”  You know… that personality kernel that suddenly pops up big in your life when you least expect it and thrusts you down that path of ease and adulation you’re certain you were always meant to have.

Until then, please enjoy my recap of tonight’s Dancing with the Stars Motown special.  I promise not to skim on the snark and the sarcasm.  Because really, it’s all I’ve got.

That and the Limited Time GetGlue sticker I got for checking in tonight.

Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus – Rhumba to “My Girl” – It was another slow, methodical, near-comatose performance from these two. Watching Gladys and Tristan dance is like watching toast cool.

But Gladys Knight is like the bailiff on Judge Judy… she’s so completely inoffensive and so peripheral to the current proceedings, you can try to not love her, but you’ll just feel like a tool for doing it.

And what was up with Tristan’s ill-chosen purple “pent-up schoolboy” ensemble complete with nerdy eyeglass and wrap strap?  He looked like a rejected Batman villain or the high school tattletale who color codes his homework and gets made fun of for being “too square” by the Archie gang.  I’m pretty sure the female viewers prefer their Tristan MacManus shirtless, and it could translate into a dangerous vote plunge for these two.

Len: “If I could judge purely with my heart, you’d be at the top of the leader board.”
Bruno: “It’s undeniable.  You have star quality.”
Carrie Ann: “I would pay so much money to see that dance again, but the truth is there were a lot of forgetful moments.”

SCORE:  21/30

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough –  Fox Trot to “Jimmy Mack”   – Poor Maria almost tripped on the stairs and fell out of sync with Derek.  She bobbed up, he bobbed down. She jazz-handed to the left, he did the “half sunrise.”  It was like a talent show scene out of Laverne and Shirley.

Once they caught back up with each other, there were some nice twirls, some nice extends, but nothing we haven’t seen countless times before.  Wonder Bread looks at these two and yawns.  You can see for yourself after the jump:

Check Here for video of Derek and Maria’s Motown Week Fox Trot

Dancing with the Stars: April 23, 2012 – Maria Menounos and Derek Hough Dance the Fox Trot (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

It’s “Motown Week” and the halfway point for this season’s Dancing with the Stars. Tonight, Derek Hough and Maria Menounos, ever the “Jan Brady” to “Marcia” Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins, took the floor with the fox trot accompanied by a live performance by Martha Reeves, who brought “Jimmy Mack,” one of her signature songs to the proceedings.

Toss all the “cheesiness” barbs you want at reality competition, the producers of Dancing with the Stars tend to get things as right as right can be. And tonight was no exception, allowing these legendary Motown performers some prime time real estate (The Temptations and Smokey Robinson are also performing tonight).

Unfortunately, the high praise could be carried over for Maria Menounos, who wobbled a bit and most likely won’t be seeing the top of the leader board this week.  And unfortunately for all involved, Derek kept the shirt on.

Performance below.

Watch Derek and Maria’s Fox Trot from “Dancing with the Stars” Motown Week here

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 16, 2012

It’s Latin Week on Dancing with the Stars, and tonight’s episode showcased all of the following:

“Jaleel White’s chest”
“Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s chest”
“Derek Hough Shirtless”
“Mark Ballas jock strap”
“William Levy tuxedo”
“Gavin Degraw sexy hat”
“Donald Driver hot arms”

If you think I’m merely listing these things to increase my visibility in keyword searches and optimize my Search Engine Optimization to maximize the amount of traffic this entry will receive, you have a very suspicious mind.

(“Lindsay Lohan arrested” “Pippa Middleton topless photo” “Who got kicked off The Voice” “fun cookie recipes for kids” “Is Ryan Seacrest gay?”)

On with the recap!

Jaleel White and Kym Johnson – Samba – Jaleel and Kym have been in a downward trend since the first week of competition.  And when you’re sliding in your performance, everyone knows the only choice is to show some skin.  I know that when there were rumors of a staff cut at my last show, I ditched my regular khakis and sweater vest ensemble and started showing up for work in a purple sequined speedo, a paperboy cap and undersize glasses from my Mr. Potato Head kit.  Not only was I not let go, there’s going to be a thirty second video of me in the network’s new sexual harassment presentation.  Job security and fame.  I’m on my way to becoming a legend in this town!

Did anyone else know Jaleel had a body that ripped?  Check out those guns!  The costumes were tight, the lighting was seductive and the moves were hot.  That’s the way you make the world forget about Steve Urkel!

Len: “Your bum was going like you were chewing a toffee.”  (I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to use it tomorrow as much as I can at my sex-addicts support group).

Bruno: “That wiggle!  Have you got a Mini-Me inside operating it?”

Carrie Ann: “You came out with attack and fire.

SCORE   24/30 – a bounce back up from last week, and almost a guarantee to avoid elimination tomorrow night.

Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy – Salsa – This screen grab says everything I feel when I watch Melissa perform.  I don’t think she wants to be on this show.  In fact, I’m thinking she broke some law, and the judge gave her a choice: six weeks picking up trash off the 405, or Dancing with the Stars.

Melissa still seems like she isn’t quite able to keep up with the choreography, and there were a few moments where you could see her watching her feet as if she was baffled by what they were doing, like when your dog suddenly notices things on the television move.

Try as she may, it seems Melissa is forever having a tough time delivering on the musicality.  But Maks got a spray-tan and kept the shirt open, so I’m thinking we’ve still got at least one more week of the Hoofing Half Pint ahead of us.

The judges took time to talk about how good Melissa looked tonight.  On most shows, that’s a good sign.  On Dancing with the Stars, it’s the equivalent of being told your kid did an phenomenal job keeping that bar of soap tied to his head in the school’s production of Mister Hygiene Comes to Town.

Bruno: “This is a fast dance… you’ve got be ON IT!  Go with it… but control it.”
Carrie Ann: ” It just feels like your feet get out from under you.”
Len: “There were some excellent good parts, and there were some parts that were not quite so good.”

SCORE:    21/30 

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough – Salsa – Maria had the good sense to lose the giant yellow headdress at the start of her dance tonight.  If you’ll recall, that’s the same giant yellow headdress Margaret Cho wore a few years back when she did her impression of a bisexual parrot on meth, and we all remember how that worked out for her.Yes, headdresses and choreography are a dangerous combination.  Apparently, Maria is up on her classic I Love Lucy episodes.

Derek reminds us that Maria has a bad foot, damaged ribs and a busted-out chin.  The girl is falling apart faster than a wet taco!

Could that have been the reason Maria’s moves seemed a little reserved this week.  Sexy Sure!  But I’m not feeling overly-wowed by these two.  It also looked a little choppy, but the judges and the crowd seem to love the supposed “fever” I never seem to catch whenever these two dance.  This despite the fact that Super-Twink Hough turned the evening into a bare-chested tri-fecta only 35 minutes in!  Thank you, ABC. (Photo after the jump)

Click here for Derek Hough Shirtless and, oh yeah… the rest of this recap

Dancing with the Stars: April 16, 2012 – Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins’ Argentine Tango Scores a…. (VIDEO)

It’s Latin Week tonight on Dancing with the Stars, and while you may think that gives Cuban heartthrob William Levy an advantage, it’s actually mezzo-soprano Katherine Jenkins quite literally getting the leg up with professional partner Mark Ballas. How did they do with their Argentine tango?

Watch Mark and Katherine’s Tango from Latin Week and see how they scored

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 9, 2012

Not even the thrills and danger of “Rock Week” on Dancing with the Stars is enough to overcome the head cold that is threatening to overtake me at the moment.  Do you know what happens to the insides of the human body when said body has had six giant cups of cayenne pepper tea with lemon in the span of one evening?  Let’s just say the cat slept in the other room.Sherri Shepherd and Val Chmerkovskiy – Tango – This week, Sherri made a critical error: she wiped out all exuberance and vivacity from her performance in exchange for a stoic, icy glare she held on to for the entire dance.  This is not what we expect from her. And as Sherri isn’t much when it comes to precision or fluidity, turning her back on sassiness, the biggest card in her deck, was a major mistake.  I think she was trying for steely, fierce and intense.  But it didn’t work.  It just reminded me of the nasty look I got from a woman that time I scooped up the last of the “Buy Three, Get One Free” Snuggle fabric softeners from the display at Rite-Aid. 

Len – “There was a little incident with your feet, but overall a great job!”
Bruno – “It needed to be a bit sharper… but I liked it.”
Carrie Ann – “Your face was expressionless, which I’ve never seen before.  There wasn’t any sparkle.  Bring that back.”  Hey, I just said that.

SCORE:  21/30 – Expect happy, slappy, booby-bouncing Sherri to return next week.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Paso Doble – First off, did we all catch sleeveless, sweaty, huffing Mark Ballas throwing around those punches in the muay thai boxing ring during Katherine’s tape package?  Holy cow!  This might be a terrific time for me to take back that comment I made about him sounding like Rainbow Brite whenever he talks.  It’s always the little ones you least suspect of being able to grind you into powder like a Bayer aspirin.

I’m still rooting for these two.  They look great together, but Katherine missed the fierceness mark she was going for.  She was having trouble with her step work, and things looked awkward and out of sync. See for yourself.  But don’t tell Mark I showed you.  I’m pretty sure he could knock the fillings right out of my head.

Watch Mark and Katherine’s Paso Doble from Rock Week here

Dancing with the Stars: April 9, 2012 – Mark Ballas and Katherine Jenkins Paso Doble (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

It was a celebration of all things leather and bad ass on Week Four of this season’s Dancing with the Stars, and early favorites Mark Ballas and mezzo-soprano Katherine Jenkins took to the floor with a paso doble they hoped would keep them at the top of the leader board. Despite some questionable footing and an excess of chain link fence that reminded me of one too many after hours bars I found myself in during my younger and wealthier nights in West Hollywood, it was a pretty smoking performance. And whatever the name is for Mark’s crawling across the floor on his knees should have a reality competition show all its own.  Check it out!

Watch Mark and Katherine’s Week Four Paso Doble

Dancing with the Stars Recap: April 2, 2012

Did you know that there are lyrics to the theme music for Dancing with the Stars?  I wrote them myself.  I sing them as the Dancing with the Stars celebrities each make their vanity entrances down that giant, Lite Brite staircase.  Because when one makes an entrance, is a full band and a boisterous and adoring proclomation from host Tom Bergeron ever enough?

Along with my summation of each performance from tonight’s “Worst Fucking Year Ever in My Life” Theme Night, I’ve included the lyrics for you to sing along as you’re doing your best paso doble into the living room with the guac and Tostitos at the start of next week’s show.  Go ahead!  Sing ’em high!  Sing ’em loud!  They’re completely royalty-free.  Just remember… that smile on your face as you drift off to sleep next Monday night… Tv Food and Drink put it there.

Jack Wagner and Anna Trebunskaya – Samba
(“Jack Wagner played Fris-co Jones. Dum dee duh dum DUM!” )

Jack danced his samba tonight in honor of the daughter he never knew he had until she introduced herself before one of his concerts in Florida.  None of that explains this move, however…
No one ever has a reason to do this in public unless they’ve had one too many Honolulu Lulu’s while limboing up on the Lido Deck, but at least Jack kept to a minimum the crazy faces he gave to camera.  Total Count = 1.
Len: “I liked the rhythm that you showed, especially in your hips!”
Bruno: “Your timing was much much better.”
Carrie Ann: “I was crying in your package.”  (Did anyone else need a second to realize she actually meant Jack’s tape package?)

SCORE: 24/30 – Jack’s highest score so far, three points higher than last week.

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough
(“Derek Hough’s a su-per twink. Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Derek and Maria danced the Rhumba … to Madonna’s “Material Girl,”… a slowed-down, achy, Tori Amos, “I just got out of bed and I’ve got the stomach flu… hand me a microphone” version of “Material Girl.”  It was unmemorable.  The dance was fluid and elegant, albeit too orange for my taste.  No one should ever look this orange unless they got too much sun after accidentally falling asleep in a lounge chair on the Promenade Deck.

I really need to go on a cruise.

Bruno: “I felllllllttttttt it!” (One suspects Bruno always feels it when Derek’s hopping around in front of him)
Carrie Ann: “I know you’ve got a hurt rib.  I didn’t see a sign of it anywhere.”
Len: “It had smoldering intensity.  Your technique was very good.  Overall, fabulous dance.”

SCORE:  27/30 – two ticks up from last week.

Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus
(“Seniors never get the votes.  Dum dee duh dum DUM!”)  

Gladys and Tristan took on the Foxtrot.  Gladys seems to have improved her fluidity from last week, but that’s really about all you can say.   The choreography wasn’t terribly ambitious, and the transitions from one pose to the next were always just the tiniest bit stalled.  Toss in the standard adjectives for competitors on this show in the plus-50 categories: “Elegant,” “Graceful,” “Well-represented,” and you can go ahead and start the clock ticking on “Gladys Time.”

Carrie Ann: “I saw improvement this week.  Sensuous and soulful, rich and divine!”
Len: “Can I please be a Pip?”
Bruno: “You were absolutely gorgeous!”

SCORE – 24/30 – five points higher than last week, and Gladys was pretty much over the moon about it.  Her genuine enthusiasm as she darted around the Celebrequarium was infectious (and might ring her up some extra votes).  And I agree with Tom… “Love that smile!”

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower
(“I don’t know who this guy is!  Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Roshon was excited to do a Samba with a Michael Jackson twist.  There was an abundance of gyrating and booty-shaking, but I don’t think it’s fair they have a guy so young and spry go right after Gladys Knight.  It’s like dropping a kitten with a springy mouse toy next to my 14 year old cat and asking them to compete for “cute points.” Wouldn’t you agree, Z?Fat Cat

Len: “I liked the devil-may-care attitude.  I would have liked to have seen a little more traditional samba.”
Bruno: “Michael Jackson would love it and so do I!”
Carrie Ann: “I don’t think it was your best dance.”

SCORE: 25/30

Gavin DeGraw and Karina Smirnoff
(“Gavin’s thinning up-on-top. Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Gavin and Karina’s rhumba was a definite improvement over last week, though I’m really not a fan of “New York State of Mind,” one of those songs snooty East Coasters like to rub in your faces when they catch you reading The Los Angeles Times or clapping after a share at the AA meeting.  On the other hand,  Gavin’s quite a sexy fella.  He can leave his hat on, if you know what I mean (Gross. I sound like Bruno).

Bruno: “I really hope you come back because I want to see you turning well.” (He means “pivot-turns.”  Experienced choreographers like me and Bruno know to look for that)
Carrie Ann: “My heart’s going all fluttery for you, Gavin.”
Len: “I saw good hips… more musicality… progression, week after week.”

SCORE: 24/30 – Yes, 24… the most non-committal of all the scores.  But I will say this right now… I bet we see Gavin in the the semi-finals.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas
(I never sing when Mark comes down the stairs.  That would be rude to Mark.  I just marvel at that beaming, humble smile)

I think we’re looking at our winners, don’t you?  Katherine and Mark are just smoking together.  They’re like the parents of another kid in your class who come to your fourth grade talent show, and they’re so gorgeous you secretly wish they were your parents.  But then one day, you actually go over to their house and you find out they’ve only got one room decorated, they let their baby run around in a grimy jumper, and they think it’s fun to eat dog treats.  Believe whatever you want, gorgeous people always turn out to be the neighborhood freaks.

The waltz was pretty mesmerizing. Here’s the video. Try not to picture them with Snausages hanging out their mouths.
Click here for more

Dancing with the Stars: April 2, 2012 – The Top Scores of the Night Go To… (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

This goes out to everyone in Reality TV Land, but most especially my local friend SHANNON H. who should DEFINITELY NOT CLICK THROUGH to find out who topped tonight’s DWTS leader board. Once, I forgot to type the word SPOILERS and she nearly climbed through the wires of my broadband connection and removed my testicles with an oyster fork!

For the rest of you, the top couple and a VIDEO of their performance follow. (HINT – it was a waltz!)