Do not click through unless you want to know who the winner of this season’s Dancing with the Stars is. Otherwise, grab your glitter and your best rhinestone cape and go for it!
THE COUPLE WHO LEFT TONIGHT WAS…
After investing an entire season of Monday nights into Dancing with the Stars, you’d think I’d be as excited as the remaining teams are that we’ve all reached the semi-finals.
But as the season moves along, and the more amusing dead weight is slowly pared away, I’m sadly left with very little to mock. Remember Martina Navratilova and her “back end of horse” pants? Tiger-faced Jack Wagner? The way Melissa Gilbert used to slog around the room with misery plastered across her face as if mad scientists were threatening to inject her with smallpox if she didn’t score at least a 7 each week?
Those were the days. I was like a dog with a bowl full of T-bones – so many choices for where to plant my fangs, I just wanted to roll over onto my back and wiggle on the rug until I accidentally gave myself an erection in front of company.
Well, those days are long gone. We’ve got nothing left but the crème de la crème, and though the judges say it every single year, it’s actually true that this season, we’ve got the best four teams ever entering into tonight’s competition!
There’ll be no dog erections tonight.
William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Dance #1 – Tango – It’s my opinion that William’s good looks have gotten in the way of his getting the credit he deserves for his talent and ability. But it’s the same all over for guys like William, Jon Hamm, David Beckham and myself – we’re just too darn good looking to be given credit for the million and one other ways we also outshine everyone we know.
William plus a tango equals an opportunity to show off a snarly machismo while whipping Cheryl Burke around the room like a wet rag in a musical number set at a car wash. William did not disappoint. Cheryl’s gonna need to double up on her chiropractic visits after tonight.
Bruno: “No doubt who was on top. You were like the DICTATOR of the tango!”
Len: “I’ve not been so excited since my mum put me in long trousers! This is gonna be the best semi-finals ever. Overall, it was terrific!”
Carrie Ann: “You dance so beautifully! Such a great combination of charm and passion and sensuality.”
Dance #2 was the Samba.
Bruno: “You’ve entered the pleasure zone! I’m gonna die with “bum envy!”
Len: “I’ve never looked at a man’s bum for so long in my life!”
Carrie Ann: “You lived up to every expectation. Your bounce was more like a THRUST!”
SCORE: 30/30 –
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 58/60 –
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Dance #1 was the Quick Step – Despite her lackluster performance last week resulting in her lowest scores in a month, Katherine and her naughty bits are still my pick for this season’s mirror ball. Katherine could give the pros on the show a run for the money. And she could most definitely kick the shit out of “The Troupe.”
Bruno: “Picture perfect rendition of all the razzle dazzle of the Roaring 20’s… amazing technique!”
Carrie Ann: “That might have been the best dance I’ve ever seen on Dancing with the Stars.”
SCORE: 29/30 –
Dance #2 was a Salsa, and as has become the standard for Katherine, it was a knock out… until the final five seconds. Wow!
There’s only two weeks to go before Dancing with the Stars crowns its latest winner in what has been one of the most competitive seasons ever, if you don’t count Melissa and Maks.
Tuesday is a double elimination, which means that one couple who doesn’t yet deserve it will unfortunately get the boot, and so will Melissa and Maks.
Tonight DWTS also debuted the first-ever “Trio Round.” Here’s how it works: each couple picks an eliminated pro or a member of the troupe to join them and show off the star to the best of their ability. Two professionals instead of one to help the star look decent? I can’t imagine which team this parlor trick was thrown in for. Can you?
Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd – Dance #1 The Tango – I have not been a big fan of the Troupe-promoted Peta Murgatroyd so far this season for no other reason than I’m reaching an age where I suspect anyone younger than me of getting ready to stab me in the back and take all that is mine after I’ve spent so many years clawing my way up to the lower middle.
Especially someone named Peta… or Kiki.
But I gotta give it to her – she looked deadly hot tonight in that wicked leathery stretchy outfit you’d only ever see an actual person wearing on Dancing with the Stars or RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Carrie Ann said she was looking for a little more drama.
Len: “Ding dong, Donald! A first round knockout!”
Bruno: “I thought I was gonna have to call a marriage counselor. Talk about agression, disdain and power!”
Trio Dance – Donald and Peta were joined by the reigning DWTS pro, Karina for a three-way jive. Donald expressed concerns about keeping up with the ambitious choreography. The worry seems to have been all for naught. He looked even sexier and more comfortable dancing with two chicks than with one. Just like I always do.
SCORE: 28/30 – TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT 55/60, though the audience clearly felt Donald and his ladies deserved a 30. I happen to agree.
Maria Menounos and Derek Hough – Dance #1 Vienese Waltz – Maria and Derek earned the first perfect score of the season, but I don’t know of anyone who’s actually rooting for them to win. Maria’s competent enough as a dancer, but she fails to pop in the personality department. As for Derek, he’s got enough mirror ball trophies at home to build his own moon buggy. Of course, that didn’t stop him from asking his mother to take in his britches a little bit more in the crotch to keep the ladies dialing for him. Does this guy have to pour himself into his pants?
Carrie Ann: “It was like angels singing as you danced.”
Len: “Five bars or six bars in hold wasn’t good enough. You disappointed me.”
Bruno: “Heavenly fluidity!”
Trio Dance – Derek and Maria chose Henry from The Troupe. They all compared abs. Henry’s abs make Derek look like the Pillsbury Doughboy. That means they both make me look like Orson Welles.
Derek decided to go for a Bollywood theme with the trio’s Samba. With that Bollywood disaster from Smash a few weeks back still lingering on my soft palate, I wasn’t expecting to like it as much as I do. But it turned out to be something of a real crowd pleaser! Take a look at the video below
The first-ever “Trio Round” on tonight’s Dancing with the Stars proved to be far more successful than the dreaded “Dancing Duel.” Here’s how it works: each couple picks an eliminated pro or a member of the troupe (grimace) to join them and show off the star to the best of their ability. First up, were Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd accompanied by Karnia Smirnoff in a knock-out Jive. Check out the fun below.
Tonight’s Vienese Waltz with Derek Hough brought competitor and Extra host Maria Menounos to tears, though the judges were divided on the success of the performance.
Carrie Ann: “Something magical is happening between you, besides the dance.”
Len: “As far as I’m concerned, I would have liked a little more dancing in hold. You disappointed me.”
Bruno was given the short shrift as Tom rushed through to throw to commercial, though he could be heard huffing in disagreement in the final seconds. Catch the performance below.
Green Bay Packers star Donald Driver and his professional dance partner Peta Murgatroyd launched into their Tango with a vengeance. Fired up and crackling from their first steps onto the floor, the couple opened Week Eight of this season’s Dancing with the Stars with a dance that was equal parts lust and spite, as all good tangos should be. Click through to watch.