The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap: May 27, 2013


Tonight, Desiree Hartsock begins her quest for love and her campaign to work her way into the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  I mean… our hearts.  She wants to work her way into our hearts.  That’s definitely what she wants to do.

Desiree is very excited to be this season’s Bachelorette.  I’m less excited.  She didn’t do much for me during Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor. Plus, right out of the gate she’s really giving us the hard sell on how this is her “Cinderella story,” because she was so poor growing up.  She really wouldn’t let up on it.  “Do you know how poor I was growing up?” Desiree asks Chris Harrison.  “I was so poor growing up my family had to hang the toilet paper out to dry. I was so poor growing up, kicking a can down the street was called ‘moving day!’  I was so poor growing up, monkeys at the zoo threw peanuts at me!”

“Wow!” says Chris Harrison, “You were really poor.”  And we’re only 53 minutes into the show, folks!  Don’t you love the way The Bachelorette just zips right along.  I’m not even missing the fact that there haven’t been any shirtless men yet.





Of course when one shows up, I’m certainly not going to complain. As my grandfather always said to me, “You may not be a muscular man, Gary.  But never let that stop you from pulling up your shirt and gently caressing your own belly when you see one on television.”

Let’s all say hello to Zak W., the Drilling Fluid Engineer from Texas. And no need to bother trying to explain what a “Drilling Engineer” actually does, Zak. I’ve got all the answers I need in my little head.

But hark!  I see the first limos are arriving. Who’s up for a round of “Spot the Guy with Micro-Penis!”  Follow me to the fun!

Click here to meet Desiree Hartsock’s men from this season’s “The Bachelorette”

The Cat-chelor: And The Winner By Your Votes Is….

If you’re one of nearly 1,000 people who cast a vote in The Cat-Chelor, I want to thank you for helping make my mind up for me.

And if you’re one of those throuble-makers who voted for Feral Darryl over and over, I especially want to thank you for finally finding something else to do.  He was in the lead for a good 36 hours.  I was growing worried for my future.  While I certainly didn’t want to circumvent the democratic process, I also didn’t want to spend the next 15 years living inside a suit of chainmail.

Your votes decided it, so click through to see who I brought home.

Who’s my new kitty?

SHOCKING The Cat-chelor: WHO WILL BE MY NEXT CAT? YOU DECIDE! (5 cats going home this week)

Round TWO!  This is your chance to decide which cat I will adopt as my new pet. 

Each of these cats is currently living at a non-profit, no-kill pet shelter in Los Angeles. But while this competition is in process, they are all residing at a 10,000 square foot mansion in Malibu, complete with indoor and outdoor jacuzzi, a bar in every room, and a landing pad for the obligatory helicopter date.

At the end of this recap, please vote for the TOP THREE CATS you think are the best match for me, and next week I will narrow it all the way down to “the one.”  Vote as much as you like.

Nine cats are left standing at the top of tonight’s episode after I said goodbye to Feral Darryl last week.

Poor Feral Darryl.  It turns out he has a really weird infection in an area polite conversation dare not name.  And it would have required me to give him an ointment using a rubber surgical glove and applied weekly in a manner that, well… I  don’t think I want to go any further. Let’s just say Darryl and I aren’t gonna work out.

Moving on.  This week’s first one-on-one date goes to Kalista, the nine year old domestic short-hair calico who’s had all her shots and likes to eat string.

For our date, I took Kalista to the Capitol Records building in Hollywood where I had planned for the two of us to record a version of “The Siamese Cat Song” from Lady and the Tramp.  Instead, Kalista went off to the corner to chew the pull-cord off a Venetian blind, then she fell asleep for thirteen hours.

When she woke up, I took her to the roof for the obligatory “cough up something deep about yourself” segment.  I went first: I admitted to Kalista I was selfish with my feelings.  Then it was Kalista’s turn and, well, she literally coughed something up.  It looked like part of a bird beak or maybe the sharp end of a mini golf course pencil.  Neither of us was really sure.  But she picked the sticky glob up anyway and handed it to me saying, “Keep this as a memento of our special night together.”   Then we just stared up at the stars together.  And every so often I’d stick my hands in seafood and let her lick my fingers.

And can we talk about Dinky?   There’s always one cat on these shows who’s just a total psycho, right?  The other cats in the mansion call her “Dinky Drama,” and she really proved that to be true when she got wasted on Jack Daniels and cornered me on the veranda, refusing to be ignored.

Generally, when one of these cats sidles up to the me after tossing back a few, they paste on their innocent faces and say sweet things like, “Wow, it’s really chilly out,” or “When I’m with you my tail sticks straight up into the air!”  Instead, drunk Dinky went with, “Well you knooooow… I had alllllll my teeth pulled out but one!  And sometimes I lick myself behind the dryer… so there’s that.  Don’t judge!  I went to junior college!”

Then she looked up at me with her snaggle tooth and her slightly crossed left eye, and farted without seeming to notice.

Marshmallow got a little one on one time with me later in the evening and revealed that she used to be something of a bad girl.  In fact she’s given birth 57 times and left most of them behind a Target in Woodland Hills!

Marshmallow thought I might be horrified by this revelation, but instead I was really touched at the way she opened up to me.  I gave her a rose right on the spot and Marshmallow proclaimed, “I’m the most special diabetic Persian half-breed in the entire world!”  Then another kitten shot out of her and she accidentally sat down on it and smothered it to death.  But it’s all ok.  Before anyone could get too grossed out, she ate it.  I gotta admit, she’s really here to win, that Marshmallow!

Click Through to VOTE for my next cat!

The Cat-chelor! WHO WILL BE MY NEXT CAT? YOU DECIDE!

 

Readers, I am looking for your help.

Last July, Z died of cancer.  I had him for thirteen years.  You remember Z, don’t you?  My big fat dumb cuddle kitty who regularly found his way to my website, showing off his extra tonnage in a photo category all his own entitled AM I FAT?

This picture sits next to my bed.  It was the last one we took before we put Z down.  The cancer had pretty much eradicated his appetite, so he went to the grave looking like the feline version of Valerie Bertinelli, circa 2009.  I am sure Z worked it all the way across that Rainbow Bridge.

Now it’s time to get a new play buddy, but you pet owners know how hard it is… looking at all these cats needing adoption and thinking, “Could any of them possibly fill that hole in my heart?”  After all, when you first meet a cat… he’s really just a cat who has yet to have assigned to him or her all those human characteristics that lead us to fall in love with them… “troublemaker,” “manipulator,” “badass,” “slut.”

 

That’s where YOU come in, because I just can’t make up my mind.  Every cat deserves a home, but I only have space for one.

After the jump, you can meet the Top 10 contenders looking to win a spot in my life.  Take a look, read their pros and cons, and make your decision. At the end of the post, you can vote for your top three. Then check back here regularly to see which cat America decided to vote off… and who will ultimately… win the heart of The Cat-chelor!

Over the next few weeks, we’ll get to know the contenders a little bit better.  I’ll take them out and do things with them.  Perhaps we’ll challenge our fears by scaling down the sides of tall buildings.  Or we’ll pose for romance covers in a photo shoot, followed by intimate talks about our emotional scars in the group jacuzzi.

And you don’t have to worry about playing favorites.  All these animals are located at a Los Angeles facility where they are allowed to live out their natural lives.  All their needs are met while they await to meet their perfect person.

So help me find my new four-legged best friend.  The search begins now!  Here come the contenders in no particular order.

Click Through to see the 12 Contenders for “The Cat-chelor: Who Will Be My New Cat” – THEN VOTE!

The #Bachelor Sean Lowe – After the Final Rose – Recap #YourTopTweets – March11, 2013 (ABC)

Drinking game: Drink every time @chrisbharrison says “all of America” #Bachelor

Sean has all these girls fighting over him and today a homeless guy asked me if I wanted some of his Doritos. #Bachelor is better than me.

This would be much more interesting if they had the guts to put up the snarky, yet wildly perceptive #bachelor tweets

Don’t hate the player #bachelor

Sean’s about to get pimp slapped #Bachelor

Lindsay handled it well… I’da cut that other bitch! #bachelor

Lindsay was a good sport. If it were me I would have shoved my shoes down his throat after he made me walk across a bridge in them, then dumped me #Bachelor

#Bachelor Sean dodged a bullet not picking Lindsay. That’s about 300,000 Youtube cat videos he’ll never have to watch now.

Lindsay says “you know” too much #Bachelor.

Lindsay as the next Bachelorette? “Blank… will you, you know, accept, you know, this rose… you know?” Pass #Bachelor

Come on, Lindsay it can’t be that bad. You’re getting paid to get dumped. If it were me, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now! #Bachelor.

Click through for the rest of Your Top Tweets from Sean Lowe’s Bachelor “After the Final Rose” Episode

The #Bachelor Sean Lowe Finale Recap #YourTopTweets – March 11, 2013 (ABC)

A finale can be “exciting” or it can be “three hours,” but it can’t be both #Bachelor

Chris Harrison is a sadist. #Bachelor

Chris Harrison is the definition of a third wheel #Bachelor

Calling the 3 hour #bachelor finale “historic” seems a bit much. The wall coming down was historic. 3 hrs of bachelor is just tedious.

The #Bachelor sends the message that you should meet your spouse on TV. Call me old-fashioned, but the place to do that is the Internet.

The loser of #bachelor should be punished. Make her watch them get married-front row

I can smell the desperation through the screen. #bachelor

I always cry during #Bachelor. Of course, I always cry when I hear “the touch, the feel… of cotton” commercial jingle, so maybe it’s me.

No Chris… Only the fat chicks are on the edge of their seats #bachelor

Is it just my TV or does everyone on the #Bachelor have huge hands?

“I have a hard time talking about serious things” – girl who thinks she’s ready for marriage #bachelor

It’s no fun with #Bachelor without my cousin. Bitter women who’ve been divorced twice just bring that extra zing to the proceedings!

Every Monday night when I go to bed I have nightmares where I’m chased by white teeth and giant tubes of body glitter. Thank you #Bachelor

Headlines Tomorrow: Tierra’s expecting Sean’s sparkle baby #Bachelor

Even Neil Lane doesn’t have a ring that compares to Tierra’s sparkle #bachelor

The #Bachelor makes me wish I still smoked weed.

Catherine’s eyebrows and Sean’s mom’s eyebrows are the most compatible #Bachelor

Lindsay shows the same amount of enthusiasm over everything. “OH MY GOD, I love Sean!” “OH MY GOD, we’re having corn dogs!” #bachelor

Is Lindsay drunk? Only drunk girls and pre-schoolers act like that. #Bachelor

Lindsay is like my knock-off shoes. They look good but you know inside it’s all sawdust and water-paste. #Bachelor come on!

Lindsay is a substitute teacher… something as necessary to the world as a bisexual #Bachelor

Does Sean realize if he picks Lindsey that means he is also picking Lindsey’s voice? #Bachelor #princessprobz

Oh Lindsay, in what world does baby talk get you anywhere?… oh yeah, this world. #Bachelor

Lindsey is a horny midget. #Bachelor

Wow Sean’s dad is asking some good questions. Can he be the next #Bachelor?

Get Sean’s dad his own talk show…stat. I feel he could lead me to living my best life. #Bachelor

Praying for your son’s marriage and then having him find his wife on the Bachelor must be crazy holy. #Bachelor #cleverbachelor

Now Sean’s mom is crying? Geez, what do they pay these people? If my mom was on #Bachelor she’d make the producers cry

Sean’s mom says, “it’s not like you have to propose,” Sean’s contract begs to differ. #Bachelor

Sean’s mom needs to realize that when ABC gives you a $10,000 Neil Lane ring and says “Propose, monkey!”, you do it. #sixpacksean #bachelor

If a girl ever says she doesn’t know what she’d do if she lost you, run – that bitch is crazy! #sixpacksean #bachelor

Lindsay is sending up some stupid wish lantern. Chris Harrison does that every season… but still no talk show #bachelor

Geez more lanterns? If I had a joint for every lantern I’ve seen this season… well, I’d just be really stoned, that’s all #Bachelor

If you were sending up a wish lantern on the #Bachelor wouldn’t one of your wishes be to win? #AndAnSTDFreeLife

At least Lindsay didn’t give him a macrame photo of her dog. #AlwaysAnUpside #Bachelor

thery’re in a sack riding an elephant… there’s one for the grandkids. #Bachelor

“I’m excited for our future… and I smell like an elephant.” #Bachelor

Click Here for more of Tonight’s Top Tweets from The Bahcelor Sean Lowe’s Finale

The #Bachelor Sean Lowe Recap – February 4, 2013 (ABC)

This week we’re off to Montana, where Bachelor Sean and his eleven remaining lovelies are holed up in a wilderness lodge. Are you a big fan of the outdoors? Because I’m not. Michael has been trying to get me to go camping for almost eight years and the closest we’ve gotten is when I agreed we could go outside the Starbucks and drink our mochas on the street. Before you judge me too harshly, I will add that I was wearing sneakers at the time and there were several mosquitoes lingering about. There was also a guy peeing on the hood of a car nearby. Bears do that, don’t they? It’s basically the same thing.

Despite the new locale, it was a pretty standard week on the old Bachelor, with the only interesting behavior chalked up again to Tierra, who I’ve noticed has been singled out about a million times on the web for having a dent in her forehead. I’m just wondering… has no one noticed there’s a girl with only one arm this season?

The best thing tonight had going for it was that it was time for this season’s two-on-one date! That means Sean’s gotta go out with two girls at one time, and then kick one to the curb right in front of the other one! Well, okay it doesn’t always go down exactly like that. Usually the Bachelor takes the loser out behind a large rock or a dumpster before flicking away her last shred of dignity and making her eat her own falsies. Sometimes, if the three of them are on a yacht, he makes the loser climb onto a dingy and row herself back to shore. And one time, he pressed a button and she flew out of the top of the car just like in Goldfinger! Okay, okay, that one didn’t actually happen, but when a show’s been on as long as The Bachelor, you never know what lines they might eventually decide to cross.

Date Number One goes to Lindsay the Substitute Teacher. Sean takes her outside and shows her a helicopter, and Lindsay squeals, “Is that a helicopter?” which helps clear up why a permanent teaching position has thus far eluded her.

Glacier National Park is our destination, but we actually saw very little of it. Was it just me, or was there no real date? I leaned over to stick my fork into a Brussels sprout and when I looked back Sean and Lindsay were already parked on a blanket making goo-goo eyes and drinking Zimas. Does Lindsay just not give good tv? Was Sean pouting because he didn’t get to start this episode in a leather thong? I can’t even begin to imagine what was left on the editing room floor, but I do know one thing… this does not bode well for Lindsay in the weeks to come. Oh, I know one other thing too … Brussels sprouts taste like feet!

And before you can say, “micro penis!” Sean has whisked Lindsay away to a secluded cabin with a moose head over the fireplace. Lindsay explained to Sean that being an Army brat sucks. Sean explained to Lindsay that she’s amazing. They kiss again, and guess who got a rose? Hint: it wasn’t the moose head, though it displayed the most charisma out of the three. And it didn’t even sing.

Goats, canoes, bales of hay and Chris Harrison! We’ve either reached the Group Date or my wildest sex fantasy is about to come true. The group date is usually about a half hour of filler, but this one took the cake. The girls had to compete in some sort of Montana hillbilly death race that began with them rowing canoes, then running with hay, cutting a log in half, and finally drinking milk fresh from the teats of a goat. I once drank milk fresh from the teats of a goat and got kicked out of the petting zoo. But on ABC when you do it, you get to go on a night date.

Click through to read more of tonight’s Bachelor Sean Lowe Recap

The #Bachelor Sean Lowe Recap – January 28, 2013 (ABC) – Your Top Tweets

Time to watch some thirsty hoes! #bachelorlor

So how about a gameshow, but instead of money, the prize is a rose and a rocky six week relationship? – #Bachelor pitch meeting

“I hate drama” – things people who LOVE drama say #Bachelor

I hate Tierra #Bachelor

“I hope Tierra wins the bachelor!” Said no one ever. #bachelor #sorryimnotsorry

Tierra has her eyes on the prize. She is here to win. #bachelor #golddigger

#Bachelor oh Tierra- I’m looking forward to your upcoming drama lol

“The #Bachelor – giving false dating hope to guys with RVs since 2002.”

#Bachelor Sean is in his underwear

So far this episode of #Bachelor is going well #ShirtlessSean #PantlessSean

Just because Sean takes his shirt off, it doesn’t make him any less boring. #BoringSean #Bachelor

Dear ladies who say, “girls don’t like me.” Repeat after me, “it’s because you’re a bitch.” I would know. #Bachelor

Oh c’mon, Selma is not 110 lbs. One boob is probably 60 lbs. #Bachelor

I thought I liked Selma. But now – not so sure. She’s not just a pretty face but she’s immediately bragging about her 110 pounds? #Bachelor

Not a big fan of Selma, but not cuz she’s born in Iraq… #bachelor

That girl’s an 8head. Two times bigger than a forehead. #Bachelor

Selma was born in Baghdad, Iraq. A city not much different than Bagdad, Florida. #Bachelor

Why does someone from Iraq pronounce it the same way Sarah Palin does?? #Bachelor #eyeRACK

If you’re gonna take the iraqi girl the desert, you might as well keep it real and launch a drone strike. #Bachelor

Never take me on a sweaty date #Bachelor

I gotta be honest. This date is boring and I’m just staring at Selma’s titties the whole time. #Bachelor

Selma claims she can’t kiss Sean bc her mom will be upset. I think it’s bc she watched Emily’s season and knows what she’s in for. #BachelorTONGUE

Wait, so someone who’s NOT ALLOWED TO KISS is on a TV show where you compete for a fake husband? #Bachelor #Selma

Click through for the rest of tonight’s Bachelor Sean Lowe – Your Top Tweets