The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap: June 10, 2013

If you watched the footage from the security camera in my building’s elevator tonight, you would have seen me tapping my foot furiously and curling my hands into spontaneous “anger fists” as I tried to get up to my apartment in time to recap tonight’s “Things Turn Nasty” episode of The Bachelorette. I got delayed at work and by the time I crossed through my front door, the show had already been on for an hour.  Worse yet, I then had to decide if I was going to overlook the fact that I had no food ready to eat and that my cat had decided that crapping just to the left of the litter box was as good as a direct hit.

So I’m starving, I’m calling in sick tomorrow and I locked my cat in the shower, but here’s your recap.  Food, Career, Loving Pets… what are three things less important to me than The Bachelorette?

First up tonight, we’ve got an unofficial “Group Date.” Desiree shuttles away Chris, Brian, Dimpled Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey T., Brandon, Zach K. and Evil Ben for an afternoon of “competitive dodgeball.” Yes, once again this show is putting two random words together and trying to make us all believe it’s a real thing. It’s like that one bachelor they keep telling us is a professional “Cookie Smeller” or how they keep trying to convince us that Chris Harrison is a “Television Host.”
The guys all dress up like John McEnroe and start stretching. Actually, they only dressed like John McEnroe from the waist up. From the waist down, it was one hundred percent Richard Simmons. Seriously, the last time I saw sausages packed this tight I was in Düsseldorf. The only guy who didn’t seem uncomfortable was Dimpled Drew, who saw the skimpy shorts he was supposed to wear and immediately asked where the parade float was and whether or not he had time to get his angel wings out of the trunk.


Brooks, the dude who had the “wedding date” with Desiree on top the Hollywood Sign last week, and hasn’t washed his hair since, broke his finger and was excused from the rest of the game. Why the hell did I never think of that in grade school? The best excuse I ever came up with to get out of gym was when I told the coach I was protesting strenuous exercise until Luke and Laura finally found their way back to each other. He made me run laps.

Later that evening, Brad the Accountant got up the courage to tell Des about his “haunted past.” I was expecting something truly terrifying, like he’d eaten his twin brother in the womb or written the screenplay for Sex and the City 2. But it turns out he had just been arrested for domestic abuse while trying to wrestle the keys out of the hand of his drunken baby mama, which on The Bachelrotte translates into “I’m one of the guys this season.”

The first rose of the night went to Chris the Mortgage Banker. Chris is this season’s “Whack a Mole” Bachelor. At the start of the season we see him for a brief moment, and then later he pops up once or twice, but by the end he’s made next to no impression and you realize he was probably defective and not worth the time it would have taken you to hit him over the head with a hammer. This week, he got a rose. Next week, the only screen time he’ll get is when the cameraman shooting Bryden stops focusing for a moment to scratch the side of his nose.

And look everyone! Brooks is back from the Emergency Room! And he may not have gotten Desiree, but by the looks of him, he definitely got Demereol!

Click Through for the Rest of Tonight’s #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap!

The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap: June 3, 2013

Well, we should all thank Bachelorette Desiree for playing down the “I was so poor” card this week and leaving the sob stories to the men. And the guys certainly did not disappoint with the misery, did they? Between drug-addicted parents, chronic illnesses, car accidents, and multiple head stitches, they made last night’s Game of Thrones seem like a Suri Cruise pony party.  But I’ve collected myself and if you can be brave, I can be brave.  So let’s all hold hands and proceed with tonight’s recap.

Date #1 this week goes to Brooks, the Marketing Consultant with the “1990s Disney prince hair” and the “I fucked your sister” smile.

Desiree wants to share her passion for designing wedding dresses, so she takes Brooks to a bridal salon and makes him wear a Little Lord Fauntleroy tie, reason number 3 on Cosmo’s “Why You Can’t Get a Second Date” List, just under “You kept quoting Michelle Tanner from Full House” and “Your vagina is located on the underside of your foot.”
I don’t know. Do Brooks and Desiree look like a match made in heaven to you? They look more like the scumbag couple from that crappy sitcom Whitney to me.

Next, they go to for a picnic on top the Hollywood sign. Hey, that’s less than a mile from where I live! In fact, you can see it from Michael’s living room window. Actually, there are some cheap apartment buildings and a billboard for the Spanish edition of The Voice blocking part of it, so you can only see “…Ollywoo…” But it’s still glamorous. Desiree tells Brooks that when she first saw the Hollywood sign, she was inspired to pursue her dreams. I guess people who move here from someplace else think like that about the Hollywood sign. Locals just wait to hear about the next time authorities find a bowling bag stuffed with human heads buried under the “Y.”

After the picnic, Desiree pretends to get lost and drives into what Brooks calls a “shady area of Hollywood” also known as “all of Hollywood.”  Surprise!  Desiree was faking Brooks out. They’re actually going to have a romantic dinner date on top of a closed-off bridge.  It’s almost as romantic as cuddling under the giant neon sign out front Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.

During dinner on the bridge, Brooks reveals that he has a hard time talking about himself.  Get it?  Just like a scary L.A. bridge, Brooks is “closed off.”  Next they try to decide which there are more of in the world: cats named “Desiree” or Craigslist killers named “Brooks.”

After coughing up some hazy daddy issues I wasn’t quite sure I believed, Desiree rewarded Brooks with the first rose of the night.  Off to the side, the Bloods and the Crips applauded and wiped away tears, until a car unexpectedly backfired and everybody ran.

On the Group Date this week were Dan, Juan Pablo, Zach K, Will, Brian, Dimpled Drew, James, Mikey T., Zak, Nick, Michael, Brandon and Ben. The boys performed their own rap video, each dressed in one of the traditional national costumes of Denmark.

Click here for the rest of tonight’s Desiree Hartsock Bachelorette Recap

The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap: May 27, 2013

Tonight, Desiree Hartsock begins her quest for love and her campaign to work her way into the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  I mean… our hearts.  She wants to work her way into our hearts.  That’s definitely what she wants to do.

Desiree is very excited to be this season’s Bachelorette.  I’m less excited.  She didn’t do much for me during Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor. Plus, right out of the gate she’s really giving us the hard sell on how this is her “Cinderella story,” because she was so poor growing up.  She really wouldn’t let up on it.  “Do you know how poor I was growing up?” Desiree asks Chris Harrison.  “I was so poor growing up my family had to hang the toilet paper out to dry. I was so poor growing up, kicking a can down the street was called ‘moving day!’  I was so poor growing up, monkeys at the zoo threw peanuts at me!”

“Wow!” says Chris Harrison, “You were really poor.”  And we’re only 53 minutes into the show, folks!  Don’t you love the way The Bachelorette just zips right along.  I’m not even missing the fact that there haven’t been any shirtless men yet.

Of course when one shows up, I’m certainly not going to complain. As my grandfather always said to me, “You may not be a muscular man, Gary.  But never let that stop you from pulling up your shirt and gently caressing your own belly when you see one on television.”

Let’s all say hello to Zak W., the Drilling Fluid Engineer from Texas. And no need to bother trying to explain what a “Drilling Engineer” actually does, Zak. I’ve got all the answers I need in my little head.

But hark!  I see the first limos are arriving. Who’s up for a round of “Spot the Guy with Micro-Penis!”  Follow me to the fun!

Click here to meet Desiree Hartsock’s men from this season’s “The Bachelorette”

The Cat-chelor: And The Winner By Your Votes Is….

If you’re one of nearly 1,000 people who cast a vote in The Cat-Chelor, I want to thank you for helping make my mind up for me.

And if you’re one of those throuble-makers who voted for Feral Darryl over and over, I especially want to thank you for finally finding something else to do.  He was in the lead for a good 36 hours.  I was growing worried for my future.  While I certainly didn’t want to circumvent the democratic process, I also didn’t want to spend the next 15 years living inside a suit of chainmail.

Your votes decided it, so click through to see who I brought home.

Who’s my new kitty?

Dancing with the Stars: Bachelor Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd Dance the Cha Cha Cha (VIDEO and SPOILERS)

Click Here to Watch Bachelor Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd Dance the Cha Cha Cha on Dancing with the Stars