Dancing with the Stars Recap: Performances from the Finals – May 21, 2012 (with VIDEOS and SPOILERS)

**STOP HERE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE SCORES FROM TONIGHT’S FINALS**

Finals Night on Dancing with the Stars has arrived. The three remaining celebrities and their professional partners will have three final dance opportunities (two tonight, one tomorrow) to impress the judges and win over your votes. The winner of Season 14 will be revealed tomorrow night LIVE!

William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Dance #1 – Cha Cha

Len: “As good as I’ve ever seen in 14 seasons”
Bruno: “An intoxicating Cuban cocktail!”
Carrie Ann: “Clean, sharp, defined. You have grown miles!”

SCORE: 30/30

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Dance #1 – Paso Doble

Bruno: “Technical brilliance!”
Carrie Ann: “It’s like watching a prima ballerina. Every movement perfectly executed.”
Len: “Fabulous!”

SCORE: 30/30

Click through to watch Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas perform the Paso Doble in the Dancing with the Stars Finals

Game of Thrones Recap – Episode 18: “The Prince of Winterfell”

If you watched the episode, or are Tyrion Lannister himself, then you’ll more easily forgive me as I boldly thank “the gods of tits and wine” for tonight’s Game of Thrones offering, “The Prince of Winterfell.” If you didn’t watch, then I’m sure I’m just a filthy pig… Nonetheless, here’s your recap of the 3rd-to-final episode of the season:

Written by Johnny Mansbach for Tv Food and Drink

THEON GREYJOY
Fresh from the glorious triumph of his sadistic little Stark-B-Que… Theon has proclaimed himself our episode’s title.

If torching toddlers was just a cry for help to get daddy’s attention, it worked. Theon’s butch sis, Yara, has come to Winterfell with 30 soldiers. Yara has come to collect the child-murdering prince for Daddy Balon from the Pyke. Since word of the Stark boys’ demise has spread throughout Westeros, every man in the north wants to see the Prince’s freckled melon hanged. Bad Theon! Daddy is NOT happy.

Continue Reading: Game of Thrones Recap Episode 18: “The Prince of Winterfell”

Food Network Star Recap: May 20, 2012

I think tonight’s unfortunately bland “Bus Tour” episode of Food Network Star can be summed up by the amount of times the participants gave each other the “swirly finger.”
You know the “swirly finger,” right?  You put your index finger up in the air and swirl it around as a silent way of saying to someone else, “Yo dude… wrap it up.  It’s officially boring now.”
Television producers crouching behind cameras often give the “swirly finger” to their red carpet host who’s about to go one question too many with Jim Belushi.   Mommies give it to the mall Santa when their kid moves away from Legos and skateboards and starts asking for live panda bears and a career like P. Diddy’s.

As for me, I was giving the “swirly” to my television about 25 minutes into this episode.

This new format of dividing the competitors into three smaller teams, each led by a celebrity mentor has proven itself, in only two episodes, to be a critical mis-step for the show.  Here’s why:

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Britain’s Got Talent Winner 2012 – Ashleigh and Pudsey (VIDEO)

I’m not sure how well a dancing dog act would fare on America’s Got Talent, but over in Britain it’s apparently enough to win the whole shooting match.

Ashleigh Butler, 17, trained her pet dog, Pudsey – a border collie, bichon frise and Chinese crested cross – to jump, spin and parade around on his back legs – for a duo dance routine accompanied by the theme of TV’s Mission Impossible. The act was enough to take the title of grand champ of this season’s Talent, and Ashleigh scooped up a £500,000 prize. That’s roughly $790,000 in U.S. dollars.

I’m packing up my things and my cat, Z, who gives high fives on command, and booking it for London as I write this.

Video of Ashely and Pudsey below, followed by Z.  It’s at least good enough for second place, wouldn’t you agree?

Click below to watch Ashleigh and Pudlsey on Britain’s Got Talent

Dancing with the Stars: May 15 – Who Got Eliminated? (ELIMINATION VIDEO AND SPOILERS)

DO NOT CLICK THROUGH IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN WHO GOT THE BOOT ON TONIGHT’S DANCING WITH THE STARS SEMI-FINALS RESULTS SHOW!

THE COUPLE WHO LEFT TONIGHT WAS…

Dancing with the Stars May 15 – Who Got Eliminated – Click to Find Out!

The Bachelorette Recap: May 14, 2011

“Homespun” Emily Maynard finally returns to our televisions tonight to take her long-overdue turn as The Bachelorette, bringing along her signature combination of demure playfulness and brittle insecurity.

Oh, and the daughter.  Yeah, that deadweight kid is still hanging around.  And her name is still “Little Ricki.”  And her fancy pink playroom is still bigger than my entire apartment!

You have to believe that Southern-bred “Mama Homespun” will display nothing but exemplary behavior all season long, in the same way she did on the Big Bad Bromack’s season of The Bachelor a couple years ago.  After all, baby is watching!

So, there’ll be no lap dances… no booby flashing… no vodka snorting… no trying to fish dead leaves out of the hot tub with her ass cheeks… and most likely, no screaming at herself incoherently in the bathroom mirror.  You know, all the things we loved most about Ashley the Girl Dentist.

None of that’s going down this season.

So go put on yer “watchin’ pants.”  This here’s a classy Bachelorette, folks!

And if we know we can’t count out any naughty behavior from the lady, I’m going to take it on faith that this year’s crop of muscle-baboon-douche-bags are going to be so crass, callous and dense, they’ll make Bentley Williams look like Oskar Schindler.

And the first confirmation of this theory rolled in a little after 7pm my time from my sister in D.C., who sent me this telling text:

No need for me to even ask what she was referring to. We’ve been talking about tonight for weeks. She’s the only person who knows I did extra crunches this morning and had TWO protein smoothies to make sure I looked good for the season premiere. So, when I asked her if she’d give me any hints to whet my appetite, she followed up with this:

Well, that’s certainly got my curiosity piqued.  So here we go!  Our sweet potato Emily is in place.  She’s got the little tater tot in tow! Time to back up the meat wagon and see what sticks to her ribs! Welcome to Season 8 of The Bachelorette!

Click Here to Meet Bachelorette Emily’s Men

Dancing with the Stars Recap: May 14, 2012 (with VIDEOS and SPOILERS)

After investing an entire season of Monday nights into Dancing with the Stars, you’d think I’d be as excited as the remaining teams are that we’ve all reached the semi-finals.

But as the season moves along, and the more amusing dead weight is slowly pared away, I’m sadly left with very little to mock.  Remember Martina Navratilova and her “back end of horse” pants?  Tiger-faced Jack Wagner?  The way Melissa Gilbert used to slog around the room with misery plastered across her face as if mad scientists were threatening to inject her with smallpox if she didn’t score at least a 7 each week?

Those were the days.  I was like a dog with a bowl full of T-bones – so may choices for where to plant my fangs, I just wanted to roll over onto my back and wiggle on the rug until I accidentally gave myself an erection in front of company.

Well, those days are long gone.  We’ve got nothing left but the crème de la crème, and though the judges say it every single year, it’s actually true that this season, we’ve got the best four teams ever entering into tonight’s competition!

There’ll be no dog erections tonight.

William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Dance #1 –  Tango  - It’s my opinion that William’s good looks have gotten in the way of his getting the credit he deserves for his talent and ability.  But it’s the same all over for guys like William, Jon Hamm, David Beckham and myself – we’re just too darn good looking to be given credit for the million and one other ways we also outshine everyone we know.

William plus a tango equals an opportunity to show off a snarly machismo while whipping Cheryl Burke around the room like a wet rag in a musical number set at a car wash. William did not disappoint.  Cheryl’s gonna need to double up on her chiropractic visits after tonight.

 

Bruno: “No doubt who was on top. You were like the DICTATOR of the tango!”
Len: “I’ve not been so excited since my mum put me in long trousers! This is gonna be the best semi-finals ever.  Overall, it was terrific!”
Carrie Ann: “You dance so beautifully! Such a great combination of charm and passion and sensuality.”

SCORE:    28/30 

Dance #2 was the Samba.

 

Bruno: “You’ve entered the pleasure zone! I’m gonna die with “bum envy!”
Len: “I’ve never looked at a man’s bum for so long in my life!”
Carrie Ann: “You lived up to every expectation. Your bounce was more like a THRUST!”

SCORE:    30/30 –  

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT:   58/60 –  

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Dance #1 was the Quick Step – Despite her lackluster performance last week resulting in her lowest scores in a month, Katherine and her naughty bits are still my pick for this season’s mirror ball.  Katherine could give the pros on the show a run for the money.  And she could most definitely kick the shit out of “The Troupe.”

Len: “Overall, what a fabulous number!
Bruno: “Picture perfect rendition of all the razzle dazzle of the Roaring 20′s… amazing technique!”
Carrie Ann: “That might have been the best dance I’ve ever seen on Dancing with the Stars.”

SCORE:   29/30 –  

Dance #2 was a Salsa, and as has become the standard for Katherine, it was a knock out… until the final five seconds.  Wow!

Click Here to Watch Katherine Jenkins’ Gut-Wrenching Mishap on Dancing with the Stars

Game of Thrones Recap – Episode 17: “A Man Without Honor”

I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m pretty sure nothing screams “Mother’s Day” more than the brutal imagery of two young children hanging by the neck from the castle gates and still smoldering from being completely burned alive. Yes, it was a very special “After School” episode of Thrones entitled, “A Man Without Honor.”

Written by Johnny Mansbach for Tv Food and Drink

THEON GREYJOY
We pick up the morning after the seductively soiled wildling Osha has bedded Prince Theon. He wakes in the morning to find he is alone. And probably has crabs. Osha has fled Winterfell with the little Stark Lords Bran and Rickon on the back of the half-wit giant Hodor. HODOR!

After losing the scent of the boys, Theon throws a tantrum and beats up one of his insolent men. He’s clearly itching to unbridle his brute violence to show he is a leader. Or maybe he’s just itching from the crabs.

Maester Luwin has protected the young Starks his entire life. After Theon spots the Maester lurking nearby, he suspects the old man is hiding the boys… somewhere on a nearby farm…

Continue Reading: Game of Thrones Recap – Episode 17: “A Man Without Honor”