High point of the Oscars last night wasn’t Kathryn Bigelow, or Sandra Bullock, or Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin sharing a slanket, or even the parade of the dead, of which I am usually quite fond. No, the only thing that’s still ringing through my head today is the fantastic Modern Family ad that ran during the broadcast. Sofia Vergara makes me fall out of my chair. And have you seen her on talk shows? Not since Charo, I tell you.
Even without an appearance by old-time sheriff Manny, it’s still a riot. Modern Family has an amazing cast top to bottom. Easily, the best new network comedy on the air.
Rotten Tomatoes has released its ranking of all Oscars winners for Best Picture from worst to best, based on critical consensus, and has named The Greatest Show on Earth as the Worst Best Picture ever!
“The Greatest Show on Earth is melodramatic, short on plot, excessively lengthy and bogged down with clichés, but not without a certain innocent charm.”
Has anyone ever seen this movie? Is it about a circus? Did a movie about the circus actually take home an Oscar for Best Picture?
Of the bottom ten pictures listed, I don’t think I’ve seen any. Sure, I’ve heard of The Great Ziegfeld but weren’t there a bunch of those Follies type movies made that also had the word Ziegfeld in the title? Aren’t they all pretty much the same… overhead shots of chorus girls in a circle with feather boas over their heads and then… boom! They drop their boas down to the floor so it looks like some goofy oversized flower opening up? That’s the oldest trick in the book
Crash is number 74! God, no one’s ever gonna get me to watch that movie. I wasn’t all Brokeback or anything, but no movie with Sandra Bullock in it should ever win anything (I may have to eat my words tonight).
#72 – Forrest Gump – “An overly sentimental film with a somewhat problematic message, but its sweetness and charm are occasionally enough to approximate true depth and grace.” Laura hates this flick. She refers to it as “that lame movie where Tom Hanks is ugly and stupid and he grows a long beard and runs all the way to Vietnam.”
#64 – Driving Miss Daisy – Everyone knocks this movie and Jessica Tandy for winning, but whenever I catch this movie playing on TBS, I always sit down and watch it, no matter how much of it I’ve missed. Of course, I do the same thing with My Fellow Americans and A Very Brady Sequel so maybe I don’t have much of a point.
#62 – Gigi – “Gaston, do you make love all the time?” (That’s for Laura)
#53 – The English Patient. I spent two and a half hours counting the teeny tiny light bulbs embedded in the floor of the theatre aisles. I’ll cover my tongue in honey and staple it to a beehive before I watch this cow stool again.
#52 – How Green Was My Valley – I took my friends Sean and Kirk to see this movie about a Welsh mining town because I love it so much, and they snickered through the whole thing! I’ve hated and looked down a little at Sean ever since. If you have a chance, rent it. It’ll be the best 5 hours of your life.
#50 – Ordinary People – This is one of those movies that I’ve only seen once and don’t plan on ever seeing again. Even though I loved it, it’s an ordeal – Mary Tyler Moore is a frigid bitch, Donald Sutherland is a eunoch, and Timothy Hutton wins an Oscar for barking through the family photo session. Creepy and sad. I don’t want to know that families like this exist.
#42 – American Beauty – Really good. Impressive family drama. I watch it every week. I especially like it when Sally Field’s character butts in and her kids drink wine and complain about her in the linen closet. Do I have the right series?
#41 – Terms of Endearment – I love the kid who plays Debra Winger’s first son during his earlier years because he totallly improvs lines through the whole thing and they kept them all in the movie. Who could forget his stunning delivery on “oops I dropped my gum.” Serious chops.
#40 – Ben Hur – I’m sick of hearing about the god-damn chariot race. I mean, I know I’ll be impressed if I ever see it, but is there anything else in this film worth mentioning? Ever? Plus, the cover of the DVD box is orange and I don’t like orange.
#38 – I didn’t really get why this movie about divorce was such a big deal when I saw it as a kid. But man did I freak when the kid falls off the monkey bars with his model airpline, and the glass from the little window cuts open his eye! I could totally relate to that.
#36 – Million Dollar Baby – I think this is the first movie I went and saw with my Million Dollar Baby, who if he ever becomes a drooling, tonge-biting drain on my fun, I will totally pull the plug on. Also, this movie would have been way cooler if instead of Hilary Swank, they used Mary-Kate Olsen.
#33 – Hamlet – Shakespeare is boring
#32 – Shakespeare in Love – see 33
#30 – The Lost Weekend – This story about addiction has not really aged all that well. Drink a martini and smoke a lot of dope before you watch it. Or just drink a martini, smoke a lot of dope and watch Xanadu.
#25 – The Sting – this movie bores me. They should have put a kid who says “Oops I dropped my gum” somewhere in it. Or maybe John Lithgow pulling up to another car that also just pulled up, honking and saying with an dopey over-excited grin, “We both got here at the same time!” Anyone? Anyone?
#24 – The Silence of the Lambs – Oscar winner or not, I don’t think I could come up with 23 films I like more than this one. Too bad they’ve sequelized it to death. The only thing left is “Kid Hannibal” on the Disney Channel.
#23 – It Happened One Night – this is one of the movies I would Netflix, look at sitting on the shelf for a week, send back, then Netflix again, and never watch. Why do I do that?
#20 – Patton – The only scene anyone ever shows is him talking in front of the great big American flag. Is there more to it? Seriously, have you ever seen another clip played when this movie is being referenced?
#19 – Unforgiven – love
#18 – Schindler’s List – I suppose if they didn’t put it this high, someone would start some kind of petition or something.
#16 – The French Connection – really smart action movie, gritty and real, excpet Gene Hackman’s first name is Popeye and no on ever makes a funny about it.
#15 – Amadeus – this is the first DVD I ever bought. I still haven’t opened it.
#13 – An American in Paris – I watched this for the first time the day after I watched Singin’ in the Rain for the first time and Rain is way better. The dancing and the music in Paris are amazing, and the film is gorgeous to look at, but the story sucks balls.
#12 – One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – My hygeine teacher showed us this movie in high school. I don’t know what it had to do with hygeine. But that reminds me, if you have a friend named Jean, whenever you see him/her say “Hi Jean!” and then laugh. He/she will have no idea why.
#7 – The Best Years of Our Lives – Clearly a misprint, unless the judging panel was my grandma and her bingo pals.
#6 – Marty – Ernest Bornine is way better in The Poseiden Adventure when his girlfriend who doesn’t wear panties falls off the railing into the fiery water and he screams, “Linda! Linda! My Linda! Linda Linda! Linda! uh… line? Oh yeah… LIIIIINNNNDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAA!”
#5 – Rebecca – the birth of the nefarious lesbian housekeeper.
#3 – All About Eve – Still haven’t see The Godfather on here which means it’s #2 or #1
#2 – On the Waterfront – aw fuck,
#1 – The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas!
Just kidding. Yeah, it’s The Godfather Well, did I really need another list to tell me that eveyrone is ga-ga for The Godfather? I love the movie, but it was released in 1972. There hasn’t been a better Oscar-winner since then? Hmpf. Enjoy the Oscars tonight! I’ll be rooting for up or District 9 because I think they’re the only 2 of the 10 nominated films I saw.
Here I sit on a Thursday night watching the Top 20 on this season’s Stridex Amateur Hour waiting for the pizza to arrive, bourbon and ginger in hand (some of you may know it as a Horse’s Neck – post coming soon). Ah, little Crystal Bowersox couldn’t look more uncomfortable singing along to the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling” with the forced peppy enthusiasm usually reserved for an Up With People concert or a parade float at Disneyland.
Crystal Bowersox is my new favorite on this season’s American Idol not just because of her singing, but also because I dig her name, even though I can’t remember it. Last night, she performed on the show, which many thought would not happen because of a last-minute trip to the hospital. While noticing MG reading the perfomance results later in the evening on his laptop (we chose the ABC comedy line-up of The Middle and Modern Family over Idol), I leaned over and and, “Hey, does it say anything about how that Kristina Crossbow did?” Close enough, right? In fact, I think I improved on her name. Now she can be an American Idol OR a James Bond hench-woman. You’re welcome, Crystal!
So… I like Crystal and all, and I hope she makes it through tonight, but to be honest, I don’t really care if she wins. I haven’t picked up the phone to vote for Idol in about five seasons. I’d rather spend the time these days making cookies in the kitchen.
And, in fact, there are a lot of cookies coming out of my oven these days. These Martha Stewart milk chocolate cookies are tough to beat if you’re looking for chewy and gooey with a just a hint of salt to offset the sweet and the burst of chocolate chunks in every other bite. These are the cookies you send your kids to school with if you want them to be more popular. These are the cookies you make for people who don’t quite make the cut on your Christmas present list, but that you still want to feel the love. And if you ever end up in a brutal break-up where mutual friends are at stake, meet the cookie that will keep your Scattergories party packed to the gills even after you’re single.
So, some of you who watch daytime soaps may have heard that the cast and crew of All My Children recently re-located from New York to Los Angeles to save production dollars. They have, in fact, moved into the studio space right next to us, and as I write this, I am watching actors on television who we all now see on a regular basis roaming around the lot at work. I have had three Susan Lucci sightings in the last month, and last week the actor who plays Tad almost hit me in the parking lot with his car. Ah, glamorous Hollywood! Soap actors are a very good-looking bunch and have really brightened up the place (it’s not really the most glamorous lot in Los Angeles and I wish I could have seen the look on the faces of all the actors when they drove up for the first day. Seriously, in its worst corners, it looks much like a prison yard).
Over the years, I have checked in on the peeps of Pine Valley. My mom and older sisters watched the entire ABC daytime line-up when it reigned supreme, spearheaded by the Luke and Laura pairing on General Hospital. I remember when Jessie and Jenny ran off to New York. I remember when no one knew Adam Chandler had a mentally challenged brother who was imprisoned within the secret passages of the family mansion. I DON’T remember Erica shouting down the grizzly bear in the middle of the forest after a plane crash, but I DO vaguely remember her going behind her husband’s back and getting on the pill (I remember having no idea what “the pill” was) so she could secretly open her own fabulous disco in the late seventies (early eighties?). And me and about 300 other college students would gather around the big screen tv in the University Center every weekday in the early nineties when evil Natalie threw her virtuous and more elegant twin sister Natalie down a well, assumed her identity, and got impregnated by her sister’s husband.
Anyway, deep down, I have always been a bit of a secret star stalker, and I have been trying to devise ways to cross paths with the cast more so than I have thus far. I know, I know… they are there to work, not to be stared at, and I have to respect that. I wouldn’t want anyone bothering me unnecessarily during the day when there’s work to be done. But finally, there’s a little bit of larger-than-life glamour on the lot and I want to bask in it.
I’m thinking I should start leaving little treats next to the AMC stage doors. Maybe they’ll fall in love with my food and invite me over regularly to sit in on tapings, give my notes on story ideas, or, if I absolutely must, step in as an extra in a hospital scene, hanging out next to a vending machine in the waiting room and voicelessly chatting up a peppy nurse. Well, a guy can dream. It’s not like I’m asking them to put me at the head of a boardroom table and proclaim, “You’re all firrrreeeed!” with a sweeping hand gesture, though if they did I would not refuse.
These anise drop cookies could be my way in. They’re not overwhelming. They’re almost forgettable after the first bite, but then that anise extract kicks in (it’s the licorice-like flavoring you may detect in biscotti), and winds itself around you. You can down three or four before you actually realize how tasty they are – soft on the inside with a hardened shell-like covering on the outside. It strikes a nice balance between the subtle and the striking. It’s the perfect daytime actor’s cookie. Look for me quietly ambling through the halls at Pine Valley Hospital within the next four to five months.
Anise Drop Cookies
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon coarse salt
3 large eggs
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon anise extract
Preheat oven to 350 F. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt into a bowl.
Put eggs in a bowl and whisk until fluffy. Gradually beat in the sugar until incorporated. Mix in the anise extract, then mix in the flour mixture.
Transfer to a pastry bag fitted with a coupler or a 1/2-inch plain tip. If you don’t have a pastry bag, simply transfer into a ziploc bag and cut a small hole in the corner and use as a pastry bag.
Pipe 1 3/4 inch rounds onto baking sheets lined with parchment paper, spacing about 1/2 inch apart.
Bake cookies, rotating halfway through, until tops crack and cookies are very pale, about 8-10 minutes. Transfer to wire racks and let cool completely.
He’s hot A.J. He will totally slither his way into your “Casey James Rules” American Idol party, eat all your onion dip, then come back to murder you! At least, that’s what the Broadview Security commercials want you to think. Have you seen these commercials? They all start off like a Gilmore Girls episode and end up like the Scream trilogy, complete with disorienting telephone ring. Still, that A.J.’s got a good head of hair. Maybe she shouldn’t have been so quick to judge. He might have just forgotten his keys or wanted her coleslaw recipe.
Anyway, whenever I hear the words “It was really nice to meet you, A.J.” I come running into the living room to watch. I can’t be the only one.
Sometimes when you combine live television, a non-screened home caller selected at random, and one of the easiest trivia questions possible, you get pure magic. Please watch Heidi Bohay and Bob Guiney desperately try to get through the rest of the segment during GSN Live’s Mardi Gras show last week.
I never thought this blog would include the words “Avril” or “Lavigne,” but here she is, guest-judging in L.A., fresh from entertaining the kiddies at the Maurice Sendak family park. Thanks for that, Avril!
And we’re starting off right away with useless filler coated in a slight psychotic glaze. They make up more than half the population here, you know.
Wait! Is that Mrs. Garrett? Oh. It’s just Neil Goldstein. First, he sucks. Next, he takes up the obligatory cry of the quasi-determined by crying out, “This is MY dream. I’m not going ANYWHERE.” And then… he leaves.
Thanks for that, Neal. And yes… this was the entire first segment of the show. Thanks for that, Fox!
Poor Jeffrey. Watch a 2010 Porsche Boxter slip through his little fingers. A heatbreaking loss on yesterday’s Price is Right. Even the audience is devastated!
Scott Brown, the Massachusetts Miracle Man as a 22 year-old Cosmo centerfold. If this dude is going to screw-up national health care, I don’t see why I shouldn’t garner a couple of hits off his name. Still looks pretty good today, besides his dippy political stance, don’t you think? Click below for a closer look.
Time to take a look at the Chicago auditioner highlights.
Boy, am I glad I didn’t grow up wanting to be a singer.
Of course, it wouldn’t have mattered. When I was a kid, the only place you could sing on television was The Mickey Mouse Club, The Lawrence Welk Show or The Gong Show. I don’t have a voice impressive enough for any of them, though I CAN sing the hell out of the harmony to “Karma Chameleon.” If you run into me on the street, be sure to ask.
Here’s this week’s “Sad Doll.” Her name is Katelyn. She played the “parents are divorcing” card when asked why she was auditioning for the show. Make sense? Me neither. Yeah yeah… if mom’s the one who’s shattered, shouldn’t mom be doing something to improve her own life?
Pinning all your hopes on your daughter Katelyn is probably going to lead to a lot of drunken holiday conflicts in the decades ahead. Katelyn had a good voice though, even if her “story” was a little too paint-by-numbers. She’s going to Hollywood.
Say hello to walking energy drink, Amy Lang! She’s sassy! She’s peppy! She’s PLUS-SIZED! Wow, I have NEVER seen this on television before!
We get your angle, Amy. You’re trying to “stand out.”
Might work in a job interview at Pup ‘n Taco, but this “chipper beyond belief” routine has been tired since Natalie on The Facts of Life.
Save it for Lifetime, sister.
This week, the role of Dakota Fanning will be played by Charity Vance. Bubbly, sweet, sings in the home hair salon run by her parents.
Eee gads. I’m just waiting for Glinda to appear in her floating bubble. This is the kind of girl who twirls around in her house because she loves Christmas JUST… THAT… MUCH. Hey, she’s auditioning with “Summertime.” That’s original.
Wait a minute… she can really sing. This girl is only 16? Her voice is a little mousy and undefined, but again, she’s only 16. Not bad. Let’s get Charity to Hollywood and dirty her up a little.
Angela Martin is auditioning for her third time. Previously, she made it to Hollywood and dropped out because of a traffic violation warrant??? Is it just me, or does anyone else think there’s more to the story than that? Well, she’s going to Hollywood, so maybe we’ll find out.
Here comes this week’s William Hung. He was in the army. He used to sing. He was told to stop. He didn’t. He got in trouble. This adds up to “I should audition for American Idol.” Oh dear…. he’s doing Tiny Tim. I couldn’t understand him when he was talking. I thought he said he was going to do something by Tommy Tune. Then the judges ask, “is this a joke?” as if they haven’t watched these “bogus” auditions for the last nine seasons. Is anyone still expecting Simon Cowell to act shocked that a talentless mentally-damaged slag is being presented to him? Could this be the reason he’s not coming back for more?
Stay tuned… they just teased the “beat the odds” auditioner (who’d have guessed?)… after these messages.
We like JOHN PARK – parents against his singing, good voice, needs to eliminate the Lego snap-on hair. Shania Twain said he had a beautiful bottom end AND nice lips AND a good head. Keep swinging around those blouse ribbons, Shania (I’m sure there’s a technical name for what they are, but I don’t know it).
And we are yet AGAIN teased with the “beat the odds” auditioner.” Should I just go ahead and say she’s going to make it to Hollywood?
And here she is… Asthma-stricken Paige. Passed out at 15 during a singing lesson… 30% chance of survival… still here. I’m not knocking it, or even doubting it. She’s got a great voice and I want to hear more. But, really, was it worth the build-up? Nah. Her voice is ok, but even the judges were not overly-impressed. They seemed to respond more to her sweet nature and pretty hair (extensions). There was very little drama to squeeze out of this one, but she’s going to Hollywood, so clearly the producers think there could be a season-long story arc. I guess we’ll wait and see.
Finally, I’d like Ryan to stop saying “golden ticket” every other minute, but I guess until the show gets to Hollywood, it’s tough to find anything for him to do.
