Pizza with apples is both surprisingly tasty and also a daring “rule breaker,” like when you were a kid and made a sandwich out of wheat bread and Fritos and it brought you closer to God.
I’m a crazy Christmas whore. At least that’s what you might label me if you were a mean person. And even if you did, I’d be okay with that. I’m no stranger to being called names, you know. In fact, regularly in elementary school, mean kids would scratch out the R’s in both my first and last names on my lunch bag, then turn the “N” into a “K,” transforming me from Gary Green into “Gay Geek.”
And they didn’t stop there. They also called me “Gary Green Bean” “Gary Green Eggs and Ham,” “Gary Gary the Human Fairy,” and my personal favorite, “Faggot!”
Kids really can be cruel, but if I was pressed to admit it, I really don’t see much of a difference between “Faggot” and “Crazy Christmas Whore,” so in this particular case the kids I went to school with were less cruel than they were right on the money.
Even as a full grown man it would be hard for me to argue it, as just today I was sharing with friends at Pinkberry how I had been dieting for a week so I’d look good for the upcoming premiere of The Bachelor. Meanwhile in my head, I was silently booking thirty minutes later in the day to stand in front of the mirror and see what I’d look like with my hair parted on the left instead of the right. Let’s be honest… a Crazy Christmas Whore is just a Faggot who’s out of season.
I’m almost positive I’m a giant grump outside the month of December. For the rest of the year if you tried reading the sentiment I was presenting on my face, you’d come up with only three options: 1.) “I’m not interested in hearing more from you,” 2.) “Why the hell would we do that?” or, 3.) “Well well well, look who thinks she’s God’s gift to Starbucks.”
Of course, I’ve never gone so far as to ask anyone if I’m coming off as tyrannical and disagreeable as I think, though sometimes MG calls me out for being unpleasant when we’re in public. If I’m pretty sure he’s going to pick up the check, I agree with him. We Gay Geeks are always thinking ahead like that.
But I’m most definitely someone you want to know in December. I might even say hello to you before you can do it to me. And if I’ve managed to get in at least a good eight hours of sleep, it’s possible I’ll allow you to tell me what you think is currently interesting about your life and the lives of those with whom you interact. Yep, in December I’m a real cuddle bug.
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