Browned Butter Sugar Cookies (Part of the “Keep Your Man Employed” Series)

These browned butter cookies may not leap off the page, but you need to just trust me on this. No one you offer these moist, sweet and savory cookies to will be satisfied after just one. They are immediately going into high rotation at Chez Tv Food and Drink! Many many thanks to Danelle at Let’s Dish Recipes for sharing!

When telemarketers call my home in the middle of the day and cheerfully ask, “Hi!  May I speak to Mister or Misses Green?” I usually shout back woefully, “Misses Green has been dead for eight days now.  Who are you… and why do you keep doing this to me?”

After a momentary gap of dread, the telemarketer begins desperately apologizing in clumsy stammers and half-sentences, and when I feel like they’ve suffered enough I interrupt them by saying, “You sound hot.  What do you like in the bedroom?”  Before they can recover, I hang up on them.

The tingling afterglow I experience from indulging in little weekday funsies like this has convinced me that I could be a stay-at-home husband for the rest of my life and never be bored.  Why did I spend so many years convincing myself that the keys to a fulfilled life were challenging my creative limits and building myself a robust career outside of the home, when it’s just as rewarding to watch Franklin and Bash all day in my bathrobe while I’m drinking iced mochas and painting my nails?

Exactly one year ago this week, my last show was cancelled after a three-and-a-half year run, and in the time it took for the network executive to get out the words, “severance package,” I went from being a high-functioning, multi-tasking television producer to just another out-of-work Hollywood dude who looked at the busses going up and down Sunset and wondered if eventually he’d end up so broke he’d actually have to get a job driving one.

Meanwhile, MG has become the primary breadwinner in the relationship.  He goes to work every day at a stop-motion animation studio in Burbank.  He sweats under lighting grids, and strains his lower back muscles leaning over miniature sets and adjusting puppets so he can snap a single frame, and then he has to start the process all over again for the next frame.  He sometimes slices open his fingers, or burns his arm, or gets headaches from the intense concentration he has to maintain to execute his work as phenomenally as he does. It’s always a grueling day for him.

And yet, he’s still considerate enough to stop and call to ask what I’m doing at home.  I tell him I’m updating my resume or getting ready for a run, but really I’m pricing swimming pools on the web, alphabetizing the board games, or practicing my autograph for an hour to get it “just so” in case anyone ever asks for it.

And every Thursday, I make cookies for him take to work and share with all his co-workers on Friday morning.  I do this partly because I know how slow and arduous the process of creating stop-motion animation is, and I think anyone who voluntarily chooses to work in that field deserves to be treated after a long, hard week.

But I also do it so eventually MG is making enough money so he can hire me a cleaning lady.  I certainly don’t mind picking the occasional shoe up off the floor, but I’m a busy man.  I don’t have time to dust and wax and polish this whole place while I’m waiting to convince the next telemarketer to hurry and call the police because any minute now my kidnapper will be back with the hacksaw and the sulphuric acid.  Fun doesn’t just create itself.  It’s hard work.

Continue reading “Browned Butter Sugar Cookies (Part of the “Keep Your Man Employed” Series)” »

Cornmeal Thyme Cookies (Part of the “Keep Your Man Employed” Series and the “Pictures of Paralyzed Chihuahuas” Series)

When Michael sent me this picture earlier today from the Robot Chicken animation studios, I texted him immediately and asked if this guy was going to mind having his face on my website.  Michael responded: “Oh, no.  Kevin is an attention whore.  He’d LOVE to be on your site!”  And so for Kevin the attention whore, the road to fame and notoriety begins here today at TvFoodAndDrink.com.

Michael tells me a lot of stories about the characters he works with, but I rarely see these people in person.  I may meet them at a wrap party or a Christmas party, but months will pass in between, and I’ll inevitably forget which face belongs to which name.  It’s a character flaw, but it isn’t limited to Michael’s co-workers.  I can’t even keep track of my remote control.  The other day I found it on top the cat box out on the balcony.

So when Michael texted me last week, simply saying, “Olive is here!” boy did I feel the pressure.  I knew he was waiting for an appropriate response, but I hadn’t a clue who “Olive” was.  The few of Michael’s co-workers I have managed to burn into my sickly memory banks I’ve done so by associating with things I’ve learned about them or moments I’ve shared with them:  ”Joy who’s getting married,” “Tommy who lives downtown,” “Trish who used to work at Starbucks,” “Jeanette who I got drunk with,” “Dan who has the blog,” “Sarah who I made hot dogs for that one time.”

But who the hell was Olive?

I decided to roll the dice.  It was clear Olive didn’t work with MG or he wouldn’t have felt the need to celebrate her appearance.  Instead, I figured it had to be a loved one associated with someone at work – the kind who is occasionally brought into the office for a special guest appearance, to be coddled and adored over while work goes completely ignored for twenty to thirty minutes.

So I texted Michael back, “Oh… Olive!  Is that the baby… or the paralyzed chihuahua?”

I figured I might be able to trick Michael into thinking I at least almost knew who Olive was by narrowing it down to two possible options.

But I was wrong on both counts.

Olive is a pug… a pug with four fully functioning legs.  Boyfriend points denied.

If we’re out together and someone Michael recognizes waves at us and begins an approach, I quickly lean in and whisper, “Do I know them?” and Michael either assures me I don’t, or gives me a lightning fast bio so I don’t make an fool of myself, just like Emily Blunt did for Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada.  ”That’s Rick.  We met him at Comic-Con.  He lives in the hills.  He does calligraphy.”

And for that, but not that alone, I will always be grateful to Michael.  And I will always make him cookies to share with his co-workers. Even Kevin the attention whore.

By the way… I wasn’t making up the paralyzed chihuahua.  You can see a picture below. You ought to watch the way that baby can get around on those back wheels, coasting and swerving through all the legs at Robot Chicken and snapping up every dropped cheese puff in sight!

I can’t decide who I like the most… paralyzed chihuahua, Olive the pug, or Kevin the attention whore.  But one thing is certain. Now that they’re all on my website, I’ll forever have a short-cut to remembering which is which.

Click Here for Recipe for Cornmeal Thyme Cookies from Martha Stewart

Cheesecake Marbled Browines Recipe 2012 (Part of the “Keep Your Man Employed” Series)

Today, I sent my man off to work with a double batch of these babies.

You may be saying to yourself, “But Gary… you go to such great lengths in the kitchen, and then you let MG take all those brownies to work with him?”

And I’d answer, “yes.” Because when the hubby goes to work with cheesecake brownies made from scratch, his stage (he’s an animator) becomes the focal point of the production offices.

When his stage becomes the focal point of the production offices, he’s more readily able to showcase not only his brilliant animating skills, but also his winning personality and magical blue eyes.

When he showcases his brilliant animating skills, his winning personality and magical blue eyes, co-workers say, “Wow, that Michael Granberry is something special!”

When co-workers say, ”Wow, that Michael Granberry is something special!” they’re more likely to throw promotions, raises and multi-million dollar production deals his way.

When co-workers throw promotions, raises and multi-million dollar production deals his way, he becomes a Hollywood hotshot, all his career dreams come true, and I get a swimming pool!

So yes, the brownies go to work with MG.  Just like the oatmeal truffle cookies did last week, and the yet-to-be-determined dessert will next week.

And the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that.

And whenever Michael comes home with good news from the office, I close my eyes, smile, and say to him, “I can almost smell the chlorine already!”

Get Cheesecake Marbled Brownie Recipe Here

Oatmeal Chocolate Truffle Cookies OR How to Keep Your Man Employed

The husband went back to work this week as animator for the new season of Cartoon Network’s Robot Chicken. Why are they lucky to have him? Well, he took my decadent oatmeal chocolate truffle cookies to work to share with the entire production staff.  That’s reason number one.  And he will continue to take my cookies to work to share as long as my oven works and they’re smart enough to keep him on the payroll.   That’s reason number two.

He’s also a pretty phenomenal animator.  That’s reason number three. I might be willing to bump that up to reason number two, but he’ll have to feature my likeness in more of his work before that happens. My effigy hasn’t made a cameo in almost five years!(that’s me in the driver’s seat of the car during Georgie’s Wish below).  Recipe follows after the jump:

Aunt Emily’s Lip Smacking Strawberry Sauce

This is a recipe for my Aunt Emily’s Lip-Smacking Strawberry Sauce.  Aunt Emily is not exactly the warm, inviting face of home and hearth you might imagine on a jar of desset topping, but she is definitely worth a few minutes of your time.  She met my Uncle Raybon on a blind date at a mini-golf and pirate-themed adventure park just before the bicentennial.  They were married six weeks later, the second time for both.  The first piece of furniture they split fifty-fifty was a tiki bar with light up palm trees and wooden, half-pineapple ashtrays.  It was the focal point of their sunken den, and the home base for all their football parties.  Raybon would mix the drinks and Emily would sit on one of the stools, sipping and barking out raunchy jokes with set-ups always involving someone who farted at the worst possible time.

While she was married, Emily worked as a cocktail waitress in a hotel bar.  Her bouffant Brenda Vaccaro hair was almost exactly as wide and exactly as red as the short, ruffled skirt that was her uniform.  In between the hair and the skirt was a crowd of hilly cleavage and a deep, weary tan. Emily liked to twirl in her waitress skirt before she left the house and say, “It’s the preferred look for today’s cocktail gal… Mexican square dancer with super titties.”  Then she would run her fingers in circles around her blouse where her nipples were underneath and stick her tongue out sideways like a rock star, while my mother shouted out her name with reproach and the rest of us fell on the floor.

Continue reading “Aunt Emily’s Lip Smacking Strawberry Sauce” »

Sour Cream Chocolate Cake (The Booth Counts Me Down)

Long believed lost, the much-discussed "Gary Green Cake Booth Countdown Sign" was discovered on my old iPhone - April 7,2012

I have made less than ten cakes in my entire life.  The first ever was just a little over two years ago, when I foolishly made a casual offer to bake one for my fellow control room members at GSN Live.  I didn’t think at the time I would actually have to go through with it, or that they would remind me of my promise every day from that point forward.  I definitely didn’t expect a sign reading “Countdown to Gary’s Cake” to end up on the wall, forever reminding me that, among other things, I have a very big mouth.

But when you make a promise to your cohorts in the control room, you’d be stupid not to come through.  You spend hours a day, five days a week, in a darkened room with these people, in close proximity, with zero windows and only one exit.  It’s a foxhole environment. You’re acutely aware of all sneezes, sniffles and congestion levels detectable in a cough. You discuss current headlines, wedding plans, the previous night’s dinner, sporting rivalries (I just listen), family frustrations, pet situations, in-laws, dental emergencies, broken bones, broken relationships, and on the rare occasion, politics.

It makes sense, considering the tight quarters, that you all do your best to get along with one another.  First of all, it makes the day go by faster.  But there’s also that annoying little thing called live television… and when things start to go wrong in front of the camera, you need to make sure you’re all on the same side of the situation. And even if there’s very little you can do to save it, you hope you at least have some people around you you’ll want to laugh about it with, even two years later (The “oh shit” moment happens at 4:34).

I didn’t know how to make a cake in 2009.  And I don’t mean a cake from scratch… even pre-made box mixes confounded me.  I didn’t own cake pans.  I certainly didn’t have things like flour, sugar and oil just sitting around my kitchen.  And if I did somehow manage to successfully pull a cake off, I had no idea how one moved it from its place of origin to a second destination without leaving half its frosting behind on the passenger seat of a car.

But you can’t let down your control room.  So I recruited MG who helped me purchase not only the necessities, but also suggested some candy lettering, because come on…  gay men are experts at snappy little messages.  Witness our Facebook updates.  They’re legendary! And if we can do the same thing across the top of a cake using colorful little letters made of sugar, saying no isn’t even an option.

Click to Read More

Oatmeal Toffee Crunch Cookies and Daylight Savings TIme

Hey there! Are you going to remember to set your clocks forward an hour tonight? It’s crucial you don’t forget.

We need to all do this together. That way, tomorrow morning we’ll all look equally tired and washed out from being deprived that whole hour of sleep. It’s not fair if some of us look more attractive and desirable than others. That’s why the federal government initiated daylight savings time, you know.  Outward mutual sickliness brings a society together.

If we all look equally disgusting and troll-like tomorrow, we’ll be able to release some of the resentment we hold for the beautiful people God put on this planet to be more successful and popular than we are… lookers like Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron.   They could go a full month without sleep and if you ran into them in public, they’d still look refreshed and eager to make us believe they’re ready to have sex with us right on the spot. I know this for a fact because I once ran into Jon Hamm at Gelsons and he definitely looked ready to throw me down right there in front of the Gorton’s fish fillets. But I had to hurry home because Cake Boss was starting.

Click here for the Oatmeal Toffee Crunch Cookies Recipe!

Valentine’s Day Recipes: Cookie Dough Truffles

I don’t want to alarm you, but are you aware that Valentine’s Day is upon us yet again?

If you’ve got a Valentine you’re looking to impress, might I suggest these sinfully rich chocolate-covered balls of cookie dough? They will scream your unending love and devotion with every bite and make this one of the most romantic and memorable Valentine’s Days you and your lovebird have ever had.

Or, you can just go with that Ziggy card you’ve got in the top drawer.  It’s your call.

Continue reading “Valentine’s Day Recipes: Cookie Dough Truffles” »