As Bachelorette fan-favorite and pervert Juan Pablo Galavis prepares to dive into ABC’s reality romance pool Sunday night (a two-parter continuing on Monday), we at Tv Food and Drink would like to take a moment to pay tribute to all the brave seekers who’ve fallen in seasons past. Because of their public humiliations, true love endures.
What would the Bachelor franchise have been without Britt the Food Writer, who stood there and did nothing for half the season before getting tossed of a yacht in the middle of Episode Six? And remember Blockehad Ryan who took so long to get the clue he was getting dumped by Emily Maynard the show actually had to go to commercial and come back so he could continue reading his “Perfect Woman” list?
Yes for every Ryan and Trista Sutter, there is an Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer, Amber the “Baconator!” and a Magician-Slash-Tailor Nick R kicked to the curb with the empty Korbel bottles and disposable ashtrays. It is their painful rejections, humiliations, and meltdowns we honor here.
Click below for somber musical accompaniment.BACHELOR-LOSERS-THEME.mp3
Britnee the Paralegal from Holland (“I have no clue why he didn’t pick me.”).
New York Liquor Distributor Tim, who was freaked out by Masked Man Jeff (“I doh wah you nowayz nee me.”), then proceeded to have ten or eleven cocktails too many at the party and found himself mumbling incoherently as Ashley Hebert cupped her hands against her cheeks and gave him the Official “Sad Frown” of the 2011 Special Olympics.
Nothing sucks more than suddenly finding yourself forced into a conversation you’re hoping will make you stand out from the crowd, and being able to produce nothing more than the sound of a cat choking up a hairball. Tim quickly passed out completely, and it wasn’t long before Ashley and some of the men dumped him into a waiting car in the driveway and sent him on his way. He didn’t even make it to the first Rose Ceremony! Personally, I think they just should have left him where he was all season. Can you imagine five or six episodes later when Ashley and the remaining Bachelors are in Fiji, and the show keeps cutting back to Tim, re-positioning his cuddle arms and giving sleep kisses to the patio cushions? Missed opportunity, Bachelorette!
This is Kimberly. She’s a marketing coordinator, whatever that is. Her final words: “I wouldn’t have done a thing differently… I think he was intimidated by me… you know, I’m talented, smart, successful… the list could go on. His loss!”
Here is another girl. Our files have very little on her. She had a dress with pockets in the front. Never a good move. And she wears an unfortunate amount of mascara.
“Never Seen in a Bathing Suit” Meghan – “I’m totally bummed out. It’s a blow to the ego, let’s be serious. Maybe I’m not as cool as I think”
Bartender Stacey – “I’m sick of dating.”
First Grade Teacher Lindsay – “Rejection is always hard, but I think I was true to myself and I think my dad is gonna be sooooo proud of me!”
Remember Brad Womack’s “two-on-one,” where The Big Bad Bromack had to take two girls out at once, and then kick one to the curb RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DATE?? Ouch!
Sometimes, I think that when a guy boots a woman off this show, the producers don’t immediately get the hysterical tears they’re looking for, to they proceed to tell the loser girl things to immediately make it worse for her… things like, “He also said your ass was huge,” or “All the cameramen were betting you’d get dumped too,” or “Looking the way you do, we’re surprised you made it this far!”
But you have to believe that when The Bromak broke the bad news to Ashley Spivey, after all she’d gone through… sitting across the table from her rival Ashley Hebert, getting all gussied up, shaving her legs, shaving her armpits, shaving her lip, ironing her hair, suppressing her hick accent all night long… and then getting the sack before they even brought out the Baked Alaska… well, those tears had to be the real thing, right?
Don’t worry, Ashley… whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas… unless it happens on a network television show watched by twenty million women and me… then, not so much.
8:48 pm – Time to get to know Britt the Food Writer. She admits she’s been in love a few times, but she’s not good at it. There was more, but Brad ain’t feeling it and looks to be trying to physically get away from her. Normally when you hear the words, “Don’t you want to get back to the yacht?” it’s a good thing, but here… not so much.
8:54 pm – Brad’s wrapping this baby up faster than the fruitcake you’re giving your postman for Kwanzaa. Poor, poor Britt… six weeks we hear nothing from her, and when we finally do, it’s nothing but a slew of desperate hints…”Today couldn’t have been better.” “That food was soooo good.”
8:55 pm – Brad tells Britt he doesn’t feel anything for her.
8:56 pm – Britt pleads with Brad to give her more time to make him fall in love with her.
8:57 pm – Britt’s on a dinghy heading home.
Kicked off a yacht in the dead of night? Welcome to the brutality that is The Bachelor, Britt! You don’t have a man. You don’t have love! But you do have Fernando, the guy rowing you to shore. Ask him if he’s into Food Writers!
Here’s Lisa: “It just makes me question everything!
And Marissa: “It hurts to have to leave… feeling like I was rejected.”
Jackie actually held it together better than most.
Merciless Michelle had no comment.
Shawntel Newton – “I saw myself marrying Brad… I definitely didn’t see this coming. I think he’s soooo perfect…. He treated me like a princess.”
Brad told Ashley Hebert she was “exceptional…” and then lowered the boom.
Chantal wept pathetically in the limo as it drove away. Said my sister: “This is the what I’ve been waiting for all season!” Said my boyfriend: “She’s gonna get so much pity sex this weekend!” Said my niece: “She shoulda worn the Spanx!”
“Baconater” Amber: “There’s only ONE Amber Bacon!”
British Super-Sleuth Lindsey J.: “I feel like such a loser! Such an absolute failure!”
This girl. We know nothing about her. “What did I do wrong?”
Lucas and his weird little elfin ears were dumped by Ashley Hebert. “Rejection’s never fun. I just want someone to wake up to… someone to cook breakfast with.”
Poor Widower West. It’s a long drive from Thailand all the way back to South Carolina, but look on the bright side, dude… you helped the orphans build a baseball field! True, they don’t understand the concept of “running home,” but at least they can roll around on the grass.
Nick the Juice Head, er, sorry… “Personal Trainer”
Anthony, the small-town Butcher from Jersey (“Hey, what do I know. I’m just a small town butcher from Jersey.”)
…Pretty Boy Rob: “I’m crushed. I’m bummed out. I’m disappointed. I’m lost. I’m definitely defeated.”
Young “Franken-Jon” (“’uttin on da itz!”)
“Looks Like My Ex” Aaron: “She made the decision. She’s missing out.” (Sidebar: I had those exact same glasses in high school, and I’m nearly certain they’re the reason I won the science fair).
Kyle the Financial Advisor: “I totally should have opened up more. Now I’m going home.”
Brent the Technology Salesman, who, when asked about finding love, replied.. “at my age… with six kids… not a high probability.”
Jean-Paul the Marine Biologist : “It felt like my heart fell on the floor and got trampled.”
Jackson, the Fitness Model. Jackson the Fitness Model knows the “First Rule” of Bachelorette: Always Be Auditioning for Bachelor Pad.
Poor Alejandro. No, I didn’t Photoshop the graphic. That’s what he actually does for a living.
9:09 – During his dinner date with Homespun Emily, Blockhead Ryan says: “I couldn’t sleep the other night so I sat up and I wrote twelve things that I really wanted to find in a woman. I like to write. I’m fired up!”
By the time Ryan gets to item four, Emily’s face is the exact same one Bachelorette Ashley Hebert gave her season’s Ryan when he started in on his endless fascination with solar panels and water heaters.
9:11 – Emily points out that “loving family” was nowhere on Ryan’s list and denies him the rose, about four weeks too late by my calculation.
9:12 – Ryan begins an earnest campaign to change Homespun’s mind about sending him home, which consists primarily of refusing to leave the table, staring at her with his dead doll eyes and repeating, “This is shocking” and “I can’t help but thinking you’re making the wrong choice.”
9:13 – Ryan’s campaigning is beginning to deteriorate into full-out begging. The show goes to commercial.
9:15 – OOH Wipeout is coming back!
9:17 – We’re back. Ryan is still begging. Anyone want anything from Quizno’s?
9:20 – Now I get why we got to Ryan’s date so early in the episode.
Shut up Doug. No one likes you.
Bye, Wolf John. Was hoping to find out what a Data Destruction Specialist is before you left.
Chris, aka #AngryBirds didn’t get a rose tonight on #Bachelorette
Bu-bye Chris. You and your tight lipped crest strip teeth are hitting the road tonight! #liveonkomo #bachelorette
“Do you have an explanation?” “You’re creepy. And maybe have anger issues.” #bachelore
Jumbotron Paige: “I’ve been on Bachelor Pad. I’ve been on The Bachelor. And I’ve never gotten a rose. That sucks.”
Kelly the Cruise Ship Entertainer: “It’s like the most embarrassing thing ever. I want to be in love but… is it really worth it to have to feel this way?”
Says Drag Queen, Sugar Suppository: “Giiiirrrlll… I’m serving fish! And it ain’t trout, honey!” (Translation unavailable).
Brooke the Community Organizer: “I was open! I was excited about love! But love was just not here.”
Diana the Salon Owner: “You don’t have a lot of free time when you’re a single mom.”
Taryn the Health Club Manager from Troutdale, Oregon: “I didn’t open up myself. Maybe I”m not ready. I might not be sweet enough for him. That’s disheartening. Even worse, I live in a town called Troutdale!”
Cover Girl Kristy, “It would have been a fairy tale. I hope my chance for love will come some day. Uh… I’m sorry.”
Bye bye Amanda – now we’ll never know what a “Fit Model” is
That’s what you get for wearing black lipstick, medusa #BACHELOR
Poor Robyn was the only one who got shafted at her Rose Ceremony. A few weeks ago she was betting Sean didn’t like black women, and looking at it that way, I guess that makes Robin a big winner! Hooray!
“Well, I’m gonna go” is the most hilarious thing Lindsay could say in such an awkward, wince-worthy moment. Why do they do this?
Lindsay should get a “Runner Up” ring. Something made of teflon.
Suit of Armor Diogo: “I am completely lost. I really don’t know what to do. I still believe in love so much.”
Larry the ER Guy: “Trying to dip her… that didn’t go so well. I probably practiced that intro fifty times, and of the fifty people that I dipped only maybe two had any problem at all!”
“Magician-Slash-Tailor” Nick R, who’s now forced back into his career demonstrating how he can pull a bird out of his pleated pants at the Chuck E. Cheese on weekends.
Will the Banker: “I came here for love. I was super excited. But I probably put myself too far in the Friend Zone.”
Robert the Ad Exec: “It sucks that I didn’t get a rose. I didn’t see this coming. It’s a nightmare. Absolute nightmare.”
And now… this guy: “I feel pretty rejected. Heartbreak is like a pit in your stomach and it doesn’t go away. There’s nothing worse.” Apparently, he’s never smoked ten cigarettes in a row and then immediately eaten a yogurt.
Dan the Beverage Sales Director: “She’s something special. Ben got the last rose. She’s been basically duped by this guy.”
Cry Baby Brandon: “I am blown away. Ben is the biggest liar I’ve ever met. What a mistake. What a GIANT mistake. I pretty much just got my heart smashed by a hammer. I’m so in love with Des. I’m so disappointed. Once again… someone left me. Way to go, Brandon. I can’t even cry. I’m just… just out of tears.”
And finally… this fellow. He wasn’t actually a competitor on the show. He was just a kid who delivered a pizza one week and decided to hang out until someone noticed him.
Don’t forget to check back to TvFoodAndDrink regularly for Juan Pablo Bachelor recaps each week.