Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 6, 2014 – #Bachelor

It was worth sitting through two hours of The Bachelor tonight just to see that one red headed girl walk up to accept her rose at the end, only to realize too late Juan Pablo hadn’t said her name.

Poor Kylie the Interior Designer. She thought she got a rose on The Bachelor and made a big fool of herself. Then, she was made to go back and stand on her spot again and smile through the rest of the Rose Ceremony. And after all that, she STILL didn’t get a rose! I felt so badly for her. Horrendously embarrassed in front of everyone, and then when there was a slim chance her luck might turn around… BLAMO!!! More Humiliation!

Poor, poor Kylie. She is truly the “Ziggy” of Bachelorettes.

And hey… did anyone else notice this weird shot they held way too long while introducing Andi, the Attorney from Georgia?   She was going on and on about how meaningful the law was to her, and all I could think was: “Wow, that public defender really wants to bang her!” Am I the only one seeing this? They need nationalpardon to get out of jail after this incident.

Amy the Massage Therapist pretended she was feeding Juan Pablo his breakfast using the “Little Choo Choo” method, which I understand more doctors now prefer over the “Airplane Fork” or controversial “Happy YumYum-Mobile.”  Amy also asked why she was 31 and not yet married about fifteen seconds after America had answered the question for her.

Look everyone!  It’s Lauren the Mineral Coordinator again! We met her last night, and “Hashtag-What-The-Fuck-Is-A-Mineral-Coordinator?” has been trending ever since! Lauren showed us the wedding dress she never got to actually wear. It turns out that just recently Lauren was engaged to a wonderful man, but he dumped her when he found out “mineral coordinator” didn’t mean she was supplying her own diamond for the engagement ring.

When Valerie was asked to talk about herself, she started with, “Not only am I pretty…”

Clare is 32 – and has a fat girl’s name – but anyone who was a teenager in the 80s knew that already (Google it, kids!). She’s part Mexican and her dad had brain cancer, which somehow doesn’t pack the same emotional punch it could have, because the girl who came just before told Juan Pablo she had nine “special needs” siblings!

Also, before he died, Clare’s dad made a secret DVD for the man who would one day marry his daughter, and NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN WHAT’S ON IT! I hope it turns out the dad doesn’t give his blessing, and instead the guy has to go on a million dollar scavenger hunt!  Does anyone else remember that movie?  It was a big hit in its day.  Scatman Crothers steals an ostrich from the zoo!  Netflix it!

Christine is a Police Support Specialist. The SWAT teams sends her in first to sniff for stuff.

Is she gonna dress like this every week? I can’t look at a person who’s gonna dress like this every week. I hope it’s just a cheeky, first-night get-up like on The Bachelorette when the dumpy guy she’ll never pick in a million years wears a suit of armor.

Is this girl for real? She has little flowers on her head.

This girl is a professional dog lover? I’m guessing she doesn’t have any references, or a lot of really really weird ones.

Sharleen is a singer of OP-ER-AHHHH, and she’s very, VERY sophisticated. Seriously, if Sharleen were talking to you at a party, you’d probably start to spontaneously spit and whittle. But I noticed that when she stepped out of the limo and they cut to Juan Pablo staring at her, they played those little magic chimes in the background, like the kind they play whenever Porky Pig falls in love.

And I was right to notice, because later, Juan Pablo gushed up and down about Sharleen, then offered her the First Impression Rose… and she almost didn’t take it! She just stared at him for a hot minute, with a face holding on to both disgust and anger equally, like Juan Pablo had offered her a chew toy or suggested Rigoletto wasn’t sublime.

It was a pretty tame Bachelor premiere by comparison. Don’t you agree? Look we’re already at Rose Ceremony! And I have to show this picture again of the faces the other girls made when Kelsey went up for that rose. The girl on the right isn’t even reacting. “Mom said keep smiling no matter what! ”  Priceless!

And aside from Kylie, two other girls were shown the door tonight too.

Amy the Massage Therapist, who cried, “I truly thought that this could be the one!” I don’t know if she’s referring to Juan Pablo or the wig.

And Lauren H., the Mineral Coordinator. Poor Lauren H. the Mineral Coordinator was dumped by her fiancé just weeks before her wedding… then rejected on tv in front of millions. On the plus side, she lives in Oklahoma.

See you next week!

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