The #Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock Recap: June 3, 2013

Well, we should all thank Bachelorette Desiree for playing down the “I was so poor” card this week and leaving the sob stories to the men. And the guys certainly did not disappoint with the misery, did they? Between drug-addicted parents, chronic illnesses, car accidents, and multiple head stitches, they made last night’s Game of Thrones seem like a Suri Cruise pony party.  But I’ve collected myself and if you can be brave, I can be brave.  So let’s all hold hands and proceed with tonight’s recap.

Date #1 this week goes to Brooks, the Marketing Consultant with the “1990s Disney prince hair” and the “I fucked your sister” smile.

Desiree wants to share her passion for designing wedding dresses, so she takes Brooks to a bridal salon and makes him wear a Little Lord Fauntleroy tie, reason number 3 on Cosmo’s “Why You Can’t Get a Second Date” List, just under “You kept quoting Michelle Tanner from Full House” and “Your vagina is located on the underside of your foot.”
I don’t know. Do Brooks and Desiree look like a match made in heaven to you? They look more like the scumbag couple from that crappy sitcom Whitney to me.

Next, they go to for a picnic on top the Hollywood sign. Hey, that’s less than a mile from where I live! In fact, you can see it from Michael’s living room window. Actually, there are some cheap apartment buildings and a billboard for the Spanish edition of The Voice blocking part of it, so you can only see “…Ollywoo…” But it’s still glamorous. Desiree tells Brooks that when she first saw the Hollywood sign, she was inspired to pursue her dreams. I guess people who move here from someplace else think like that about the Hollywood sign. Locals just wait to hear about the next time authorities find a bowling bag stuffed with human heads buried under the “Y.”

After the picnic, Desiree pretends to get lost and drives into what Brooks calls a “shady area of Hollywood” also known as “all of Hollywood.”  Surprise!  Desiree was faking Brooks out. They’re actually going to have a romantic dinner date on top of a closed-off bridge.  It’s almost as romantic as cuddling under the giant neon sign out front Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.

During dinner on the bridge, Brooks reveals that he has a hard time talking about himself.  Get it?  Just like a scary L.A. bridge, Brooks is “closed off.”  Next they try to decide which there are more of in the world: cats named “Desiree” or Craigslist killers named “Brooks.”

After coughing up some hazy daddy issues I wasn’t quite sure I believed, Desiree rewarded Brooks with the first rose of the night.  Off to the side, the Bloods and the Crips applauded and wiped away tears, until a car unexpectedly backfired and everybody ran.

On the Group Date this week were Dan, Juan Pablo, Zach K, Will, Brian, Dimpled Drew, James, Mikey T., Zak, Nick, Michael, Brandon and Ben. The boys performed their own rap video, each dressed in one of the traditional national costumes of Denmark.

Later that evening, Brandon cornered Des and ran down the highlights of his youth: his father left him, he changed schools every two years, his mother was a drug addict, he raised his younger siblings almost single-handedly.  But don’t feel too badly for Brandon.  Things are looking up.  Earlier in the evening he made fifty bucks renting out his home so Brooks and Desiree could have a romantic dinner date on top of it.

Despite Bradon’s best efforts to dazzle Des with his glamorous history, the Group Date Rose ultimately went to “I’m a Daddy” Ben, upsetting Mikey T., who claimed that Ben was “on the show for all the wrong reasons.”  Really, are there any wrong reasons to be on The Bachelorette?  Outside of “looking to kill the bitch so I can scuba dive in her skin,” I can’t think of any.

Well, there’s no time to worry about that because we have to get to Date #2, which goes to Bashful Bryden, the Iraq War Veteran. Unlike most Iraq War Veterans, Bryden has no sense of humor. Also, he most definitely does not have “1990s Disney Prince hair.” Instead, he has what my Aunt Heddy the hairstylist referred to as “partially-aborted man bangs.”

Bryden and Desiree drove to the beach, ran between rocks and failed at getting a kite into the air. Next they drove to an orange grove – a rarity in the state of California – and had a picnic. Finally, they wound up in Ojai, which is actually very quaint, artsy and romantic. Bryden took off his shirt, got into the hot tub and located a local oldies station on his ears.  They kissed. Rose awarded.

Later at the second cocktail party, Michael decided to tell Desiree all about his Type I Diabetes. Boy, does this guy have game! My privates haven’t been this stimulated since I had to take an ex-boyfriend to the ER at 2 am to have a boil in the back of his throat lanced.  “It’s life-threatening if you don’t take care of it properly!” Michael shared dramatically, forgetting that sentence also applies to head colds, water heaters, frayed carpet corners and living with a grouchy cat.

Vince Vaughn stopped by to remind you that The Internship opens nationwide June 7th.


And everybody exhale… we’ve reached the Rose Ceremony! Safe this week along with Brooks, Bryden and Ben are Juan Pablo! Driller Zak (the shirtless guy from last week), Dimpled Drew, Mikey T., Diabetes Michael, and Addict-Spawn Brandon.

Bidding farewell this week are Will the Banker: “I came here for love. I was super excited. But I probably put myself too far in the Friend Zone.”

Robert the Ad Exec: “It sucks that I didn’t get a rose. I didn’t see this coming. It’s a nightmare. Absolute nightmare.”

And this guy: “I feel pretty rejected. Heartbreak is like a pit in your stomach and it doesn’t go away.  There’s nothing worse.”  Apparently, he’s never smoked ten cigarettes in a row and then immediately eaten a yogurt.

Ultimately, it was pretty much a week of filler on The Bachelorette, as is often the case with the second episode of the season.  But fear not!  Next week should be a biggie! The girlfriend of one of the men in the house busts in and confronts her man on being a liar, a pig, a louse, and all the other things you have to put an “X” next to when you fill out the application to be on this show.  We’ll find out who the cad in question is, and whether or not this chick actually acts as badly as the previews seem to indicate.  No matter how it turns out, it’s sure to be a pip!

See you then.

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