If you watched the footage from the security camera in my building’s elevator tonight, you would have seen me tapping my foot furiously and curling my hands into spontaneous “anger fists” as I tried to get up to my apartment in time to recap tonight’s “Things Turn Nasty” episode of The Bachelorette. I got delayed at work and by the time I crossed through my front door, the show had already been on for an hour. Worse yet, I then had to decide if I was going to overlook the fact that I had no food ready to eat and that my cat had decided that crapping just to the left of the litter box was as good as a direct hit.
So I’m starving, I’m calling in sick tomorrow and I locked my cat in the shower, but here’s your recap. Food, Career, Loving Pets… what are three things less important to me than The Bachelorette?
First up tonight, we’ve got an unofficial “Group Date.” Desiree shuttles away Chris, Brian, Dimpled Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey T., Brandon, Zach K. and Evil Ben for an afternoon of “competitive dodgeball.” Yes, once again this show is putting two random words together and trying to make us all believe it’s a real thing. It’s like that one bachelor they keep telling us is a professional “Cookie Smeller” or how they keep trying to convince us that Chris Harrison is a “Television Host.”
The guys all dress up like John McEnroe and start stretching. Actually, they only dressed like John McEnroe from the waist up. From the waist down, it was one hundred percent Richard Simmons. Seriously, the last time I saw sausages packed this tight I was in Düsseldorf. The only guy who didn’t seem uncomfortable was Dimpled Drew, who saw the skimpy shorts he was supposed to wear and immediately asked where the parade float was and whether or not he had time to get his angel wings out of the trunk.
Brooks, the dude who had the “wedding date” with Desiree on top the Hollywood Sign last week, and hasn’t washed his hair since, broke his finger and was excused from the rest of the game. Why the hell did I never think of that in grade school? The best excuse I ever came up with to get out of gym was when I told the coach I was protesting strenuous exercise until Luke and Laura finally found their way back to each other. He made me run laps.
Later that evening, Brad the Accountant got up the courage to tell Des about his “haunted past.” I was expecting something truly terrifying, like he’d eaten his twin brother in the womb or written the screenplay for Sex and the City 2. But it turns out he had just been arrested for domestic abuse while trying to wrestle the keys out of the hand of his drunken baby mama, which on The Bachelrotte translates into “I’m one of the guys this season.”
The first rose of the night went to Chris the Mortgage Banker. Chris is this season’s “Whack a Mole” Bachelor. At the start of the season we see him for a brief moment, and then later he pops up once or twice, but by the end he’s made next to no impression and you realize he was probably defective and not worth the time it would have taken you to hit him over the head with a hammer. This week, he got a rose. Next week, the only screen time he’ll get is when the cameraman shooting Bryden stops focusing for a moment to scratch the side of his nose.
And look everyone! Brooks is back from the Emergency Room! And he may not have gotten Desiree, but by the looks of him, he definitely got Demereol!
The next day Desiree is writing in her dream journal when she gets a call from a giddy Chris Harrison who says he has “bizarre news!”
“You met a woman who loves you for you, and not the hot men she can meet by knowing you?” asks Desiree.
“No,” says Chris.
“You found a club where the girls don’t ask you to hold their drinks?”
“No,” says Chris
“You finally got a talk show?”
“Bitch, I said I had bizarre news. I didn’t ask you to guess!”
It turns out Brian has a girlfriend back home. You remember Brian, don’t you? Neither do I. But his girlfriend has arrived at the mansion and she is definitely not pretty… I mean, happy! She is DEFINITELY NOT HAPPY!
Within three and a half seconds of sitting down and calling Brian a pig, Chris insisted that Brian leave both the mansion and the show. I’m not exaggerating. It was literally three and a half seconds. The producers explained nothing. I understand The Matrix Trilogy better than I understand the relationship Brian has with this woman. Luckily it no longer matters, because he’s history. Later, Desiree angrily confronted the rest of the guys and insisted that if they had any secrets they’d better tell her right now… or else! All the guys fell silent and looked down at their shoes, except for Dimpled Drew who told Desiree her Miranda Priestly impression was fab-u-lous!
(Update… from what I’m reading there was more arguing shown between Brian and this gal, but I re-played what my DVR recorded and I didn’t get it. Possibly a glitch?)
I don’t know about you, but I could use a One-On-One date right about now, and Kasey agrees which is great news because he’s the one going on it! The date card reads “Love defies gravity.” Do you think we’ll be lucky enough to cut directly to the Sunset Blvd. skyscraper they’ll be shimmying down, or will we have to sit through some commercials for that crappy Alyssa Milano mistress show first?
Okay, technically, they’re not actually going to “fully scale” the building. Instead, they’re going to “dance up and down it a little,” which I guess in Bachelor terms means that this season’s building is like a fat chick willing to spring for drinks.
“It’s exhausting to be up here!” says Kasey as he landed against the glass. You think you’re exhausted! There’s a dude on the other side of that window trying to book Brooke Shields for a topical sheep-oil commercial, and you’re not helping!!
Now it’s time for the “Official Group Date,” which is just like the “Unofficial Group Date” from earlier, except now it’s later and you’re more tired than you were before, so the producers try less.
This week, Dan, James, Juan Pablo!, Bashful Bryden and Zak W. will be performing Hollywood movie stunts, with the stunt team from The Lone Ranger helping them out. It’s Cowboy Boot Camp, ya’ll! The best thing I can say about this date is that it will most likely mean Bryden will have to put on a hat.
The men wore bandanas around their necks, fired off guns with blanks, spat into the grass and twirled bungee rope around their heads. Not very authentic. Kill some Indians and fuck a sheep during a lonely cattle drive, then we’ll talk.
Juab Pablo! won the challenge. The two went to the barn and watched The Lone Ranger, which somehow sounds dirty but isn’t. They snuggled together and tried to remember the last time Johnny Depp appeared in a movie they actually wanted to see. Later Desiree proclaimed, “It’s the best date I’ve had since forever!” She didn’t really mean it but since Juan Pablo doesn’t appear to understand English, she figured it didn’t matter and went on to whisper other meaningless things into his ear like, “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” and “Hakuna Matata ain’t no passing craze!” just to see if he’d still get turned on. He did.
Despite this, Juan Pablo! failed to get the Group Date Rose. That went to James the Advertising Exec who played the never-fails “sick dad” card (cancer spot on the pancreas). James declared that the rose meant, “my feelings and her feelings are the same!” which could also be said for the size of his head and the size of his neck.
Later, Evil Ben secretly whisked Desiree off in the car while the other guys were waiting for her to arrive at their pool party. Desiree said she liked that Ben treats a girl the way she should be treated. But the rest of the guys see Ben as a “phony,” a “jerk,” an “underhanded snake,” and all the other things my mom writes each year on the card just above “Happy Birthday!”
Yeah, everyone hates Ben. But no one hates him more than Mikey T. the plumber. For the second week in a row, Mikey T. threatened to unleash some physical violence on him, and for the second week in a row Mikey failed to deliver. I’m starting to think that an Italian plumber named Mikey T. can’t be trusted when he promises to take care of something for you.
By the look of Desiree’s dress, it’s either time for the Rose Ceremony or The Hunger Games. I don’t see an albino chick with a Filipino wedding cake mounted on the top of her head, so I’m going with Rose Ceremony.
Standing on solid ground through to next week are Chris, James, Zak and Zach, Dimpled Drew, Bashful Bryden, Finger-Me-Brooks, Mikey T. and Evil Ben.
Handed their bus passes this week were Dan: “She’s something special. Ben got the last rose. She’s been basically duped by this guy.”
And Cry Baby Brandon: “I am blown away. Ben is the biggest liar I’ve ever met. What a mistake. What a GIANT mistake. I pretty much just got my heart smashed by a hammer. I’m so in love with Des. I’m so disappointed. Once again… someone left me. Way to go, Brandon. I can’t even cry. I’m just… just out of tears.”
Next week we’re off to Atlantic City. Sandcastles, helicopters, a “Mister America” pageant and guess what.. Ben’s not on the show to make friends.
I’ll see you there. And if you’re not sure where Atlantic City is, just drive around New Jersey until you spot a guy with partially-aborted man bangs, and bingo! You’ve found The Bachelorette!