Tonight, Desiree Hartsock begins her quest for love and her campaign to work her way into the next season of Dancing with the Stars. I mean… our hearts. She wants to work her way into our hearts. That’s definitely what she wants to do.
Desiree is very excited to be this season’s Bachelorette. I’m less excited. She didn’t do much for me during Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor. Plus, right out of the gate she’s really giving us the hard sell on how this is her “Cinderella story,” because she was so poor growing up. She really wouldn’t let up on it. “Do you know how poor I was growing up?” Desiree asks Chris Harrison. “I was so poor growing up my family had to hang the toilet paper out to dry. I was so poor growing up, kicking a can down the street was called ‘moving day!’ I was so poor growing up, monkeys at the zoo threw peanuts at me!”
“Wow!” says Chris Harrison, “You were really poor.” And we’re only 53 minutes into the show, folks! Don’t you love the way The Bachelorette just zips right along. I’m not even missing the fact that there haven’t been any shirtless men yet.
Of course when one shows up, I’m certainly not going to complain. As my grandfather always said to me, “You may not be a muscular man, Gary. But never let that stop you from pulling up your shirt and gently caressing your own belly when you see one on television.”
Let’s all say hello to Zak W., the Drilling Fluid Engineer from Texas. And no need to bother trying to explain what a “Drilling Engineer” actually does, Zak. I’ve got all the answers I need in my little head.
But hark! I see the first limos are arriving. Who’s up for a round of “Spot the Guy with Micro-Penis!” Follow me to the fun!
First out of the gate is Drew the Digital Marketing Analyst. Drew’s squeaky clean and boyish, with perfect gleaming teeth and adorable dimples… oh those dimples! Drew throws his arms up and tells Desiree, “You look AH-may-ZING!” then gives her one of those awkward “Frankenstein hugs,” ensuring nothing more than his elbows touch her upper body and leaving so much space between their lower bodies the entire USC Marching Band could high-step right through them and neither would feel a thing.
Now, let’s meet Michael the Federal Prosecutor from Miami Beach. Desiree and Michael turned around and threw pennies over their shoulders for good luck. Once Michael went into the mansion, Des fished them out the fountain and instantly doubled her savings account!
Mikey T. is a Plumbing Contractor… but you probably figured that out when you heard his name was “Mikey T.”
Make way for Jonathan the Lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina. Jonathan manages to speak without actually moving his lips and looks the kind of guy who might peek through your windows and watch you iron your blouses while he pets a raccoon. Upon meeting Desiree, he immediately invited her to spend the night with him in the “Fantasy Sweet,” or as they call it in Hickory, North Carolina… the “Porkin’ Shed.” Des politely declined.
Here comes Zak W. again. Zak asks Desiree, “Will you accept these abs?” Desiree giggles and says “Damn!” I giggle and say “Damn!” I’m pretty sure my cat giggles and says “Damn!”
James is an Advertising Exec and he believes “loyalty is love!” He tells Desiree if she falls in love with him, he’ll get old and fat, but it’ll be okay because the only thing that matters to him is loyalty. I like the way James thinks. It’s like when I told my first girlfriend that if she really loved me she’d go to the mall while her older brothers were out front playing touch football.
Here’s Larry the E.R. Doctor! Larry loves to dance and tried to dip Desiree. Unfortunately, Des gets her mic pack caught in her… well let’s just say at least it’s not going anywhere. It’s not looking good for Larry, but I think we should all give Spanx a big thank you!
I had to pause my DVR to make sure I was reading this one correctly. Yes sir, it’s just not enough to be a tailor OR a magician in this economy! You gotta be both if you want to make it these days! It’s clear that Nick R. is this season’s “Corn Dog” Get ready for lots of fart jokes and Yoda impressions, that is when Nick isn’t showing everyone how he can hide thirty doves inside his tapered waistline.
That dude from a few seasons back who wore the rubber mask on his face looks positively normal now, doesn’t he?
This is Mike the Dentist. Say hi to Mike the Dentist, everybody! Look, Mike the Dentist wore his dentist’s coat! Mike the Dentist doesn’t like to tell anyone this, but he’s hoping that people might think he’s actually “Mike the Doctor.”
This is Robert from Los Angeles. Robert is an Advertising Executive. He told Desiree he was not a “tie guy,” and then he took his tie off. And that was pretty much all Robert did to make an impression on Desiree. Just imagine the spectacular kick-off campaigns he’d pitch to you if you were sitting in his office… “I’m thinking poster board! And Magic Markers! Maybe a sun in the corner with a happy face. What do you think of glitter glue??”
Juan Pablo the Former Pro Soccer Player said his name three times. “Juan Pablo! Juan Pablo! Juan Pablo!”
Immediately after this happened, I heard about 35 people in my courtyard simultaneously yell out, “Steve Holt!”
When that dead, naked clown finally washes up on shore, Micah’s gonna have some explaining to do.
Nick is an Investment Advisor who wrote Desiree a poem… “Roses are red… violets are blue… Haiti is poor… but not as poor as you! Love, Nick!”
Ben apparently has never actually watched The Bachelorette or he would know the number one way to lose is “Mention your kid.” That’s followed immediately by, “Mention a dead parent,” “Cry about being adopted,” and “If you only have one arm, show it off a lot.”
And into the mansion we go! First one to score some “me time” is “Tailor-Slash-Magician” Nick R., who asked Desiree if he pulled a rabbit out of his inseam, would she be willing to play with it? No rose awarded.
Very quickly, Nick and Desiree were interrupted by Brandon, whose picture I didn’t even bother to snap because I thought he wouldn’t be around past tonight. But he pulled one over on me! Turns out Brandon has a mother who’s an alcoholic. That guarantees him at least five more weeks on the show. Brandon gives Desiree his mother’s sobriety chip and makes her promise she’ll give it back to his mother in person when they go on their hometown date together. Touched by his revelation, Desiree asked “How many Old Milwaukees would your mother drink in a day?” to which Brandon replied, “You’re poor, aren’t you?”
Ben, the guy with the kid, spent all his time on the couch talking about… guess what? His kid! Ben said he and his kid love to camp. Desiree said she’s spent a lot of time sleeping in a tent, to which Ben replied, “Are you not rich?”
Zak W. yanked off his pants and jumped in the pool. He got a rose. I wonder what he’d yank if you offered him a nice watch.
“Timid” and “adorable” were the terms Des used to describe Iraq War Veteran, Bryden who got a rose, despite the haircut. Did you really think she was gonna cut a war veteran loose? Today’s Memorial Day, for Christ’s sake!
Dimpled Doug complimented Desiree’s dress. “You look stunning!” He giggled. Rose awarded. Doug promptly placed it behind his ear and asked for another Cosmo.
Jonathan tried yet again to get Desiree into the Fantasy Suite, proclaiming to camera, “I want to get her and me alone. And then I’m gonna try to kiss her on the mouth!”
An increasingly frustrated Desiree again declined Jonathan’s advances. Then Jonathan said, “My love tank has not been depleted in years. My mother thinks I’m very good looking.” Desiree told him it was too late to quote Shakespeare. Then Jonathan said, “Okay, how about if I pretend to be an air conditioner repairman who’s just taken off all his clothes and you catch me and try to sell me crack?” to which Dimpled Doug said, “Hey man, are you on Facebook?”
And with an unexpected love connection still lingering in the air, we’ve reached the first Rose Ceremony of the season.
Among those advancing to Week Two along with Dimpled Drew, “I’m a Daddy” Ben, Texas Driller Zak and War Veteran Bryden will be… “All About Loyalty” James, Ad Exec Robert, Jaun Pablo!, and Mikey T.
Hitting the pavement this week along with Jonathan (did I forget to mention Desiree kicked him out of the house? But don’t worry, he found some road kill outside, so I’m pretty sure he’s still getting some.), we’ve got…
Suit of Armor Diogo: “I am completely lost. I really don’t know what to do. I still believe in love so much.”
Larry the ER Guy: “Trying to dip her… that didn’t go so well. I probably practiced that intro fifty times, and of the fifty people that I dipped only maybe two had any problem at all!”
And “Magician-Slash-Tailor” Nick R, who’s now forced back into his career demonstrating the latest microfibers at the Pasadena Chuck E. Cheese on the weekends.
Wow, I’m spent. What about you? I’m seeing Bryden as an early front-runner, with maybe Brandon and Robert as the Dark Horses.
I’m looking forward to the weeks ahead. We’ve got so much awaiting us: group dates, one-on-ones, the dreaded two-on-one and all the Hometowns.
And next week, Des is gonna show us how she can watch thirty different television shows at one time! I don’t want to give away her big secret, but I’ll give you a little hint… it involves sneaking into Sears at night to sleep.
See you next week!