The Voice blind auditions start… now! First up for Season Four… it’s the Morgan Twins… Cara and Rhian!
Guess What?: They dress alike, they talk alike. Though it turns out, a hot dog does NOT make them lose control.
Guess What Else?: Sometimes they say the same things at the exact same time. When this occurred, host Carson Daly remarked, wide-eyed, “That is so crazy how that happened!” Has this guy never seen any set of twins when they appear on television together? This is the #1 parlor trick of all twins trying to come off as amazing when there’s a camera pointed their way. People across America all took a shot when it happened. Yet Carson is still trying to get his mouth closed again.
Song Choice: “Fallin'”
Results: All four chairs turned around. Usher looked around and then helpfully held up his hand, “That’s four!” like that purple Romanian mobster puppet from Sesame Street.
Finally: Identical twin singers… big deal. Call me when The Voice books twins conjoined at the head, and one of them performs “Pumped Up Kicks” while the other sings “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” Then I’ll bother to update my DVR. By the way, while trying to decide which coach they’d go with, the twins whispered back and forth to each other and giggled. Don’t they even have twin telepathy? These twins suck. They chose Blake.
And yes, in case you happen to remember them, the Morgan Twins also auditioned for American Idol back in the Paula Abdul days. And they sang the same song. See the video below while you can before NBC has it yanked. Blind Audition #2: Jess Kellner, a hair stylist from Texas. She loves doing hair but her main passion is music.
Guess What?: Her mom was an alcoholic. How does this figure in? It doesn’t, but Jess really loves her new stepmom, almost as much as she loves making music, but not as much as she loves making corn rows
Song Choice: “Can’t Help Falling in Love”
Results: Chair-turns from Shakira and Usher. She chose Usher
And Finally: Because this is an 8pm show, it’s important to note that Jess’s mom is sober now, and I’m sure she’s thrilled her daughter used a painful and embarrassing fact of her personal life on national television…. and then didn’t even invite her to come along to the auditions.
Blind Audition #3: Mark Andrew, a roofer from Minnesota. He announces that roofing is not something he’d like to do with the rest of his life. Nationwide, eyeballs fall out of their sockets.
Song choice: “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”
Results: Adam turned his chair. Shakira turned her chair. Usher looked bored and Blake did the already played out “Will I or Won’t I?” button hover. Take another shot, America.
Blind Audition #4: Janetza Miranda, the peppy Puerto Rican from Newark, New Jersey. Looks like Rico’s wife from Six Feet Under.
Guess what?: She’s proud of her Puerta Rican heritage. Doesn’t seem to have much to say about Newark however.
Little Known Fact: Her family all does bird calls! But not those sweet tweety bird kinds. Instead, they do those wild, ear-splitting screechy birds like the kind you see circling the sky in movies where men die trying to cross the desert.
Song Choice: “Titanium”
Performance: Big voice. Her family was going nuts backstage. But midway through, no chairs have turned. Shakira does “the button hover” – drop acid, America.
Results: Zero coaches. Adam runs to hug her. Because unlike American Idol, there are no losers on The Voice, just singers you never hear from again who have to go back and live in New Jersey.
Blake says Janetza deserves to be in the competition, which is the first thing on Janetza’s “Things I Don’t Want to Hear When I’ve Just Been Told I’m Not Going to be in the Competition, but Thanks Anyway for Not Turning Around, Blake Shelton” List.
Usher gave the, “This is just the beginning for you!” speech. Roll an eye, America.
Blind Audition #5: Danielle Bradbury, 16 from Cypress, Texas
Teased In Her Youth For: Having crooked teeth. That’s the best she could do? Crooked teeth? I have an inordinate among of hair on my toe knuckles and I don’t tan. Where’s my teen moment of triumph?
Song Choice: “Mean”
Results: Blake, Adam and Usher turned their chairs. Shakira laid out. There’s a lot of Nashville fiddle in this song, and the girl’s from Texas… so guess who she picked to go with? They actually went to a commercial break before we found out her decision because we were supposed to be on pins and needles waiting to find out. I am clearly not the target ago demographic for this television show.
May I Say: I thought Janetza Miranda’s voice was far more compelling. Am I alone here? Also, Usher thinks Nashville is a state.
Blind Audition #6: Vedo, 19, from Atlanta Georgia.
Guess what? Used to be homeless.
Song Choice: “Boyfriend” by Justin Bieber
Results: Usher wins by default. Everyone else claims they wouldn’t turn their chairs because Vedo sang a Justin Bieber song and Usher discovered Justin Bieber. Damn, Usher owns a piece of Justin Bieber???
Question: Am I even spelling “Justin Bieber” correctly? I’m so old. I remember when there was no Space Mountain.
Also: Vedo and Usher pointed “we’re tight” fingers at each other from across the stage in a way that only African American men can do and look cool. When white guys do it, they just look like Mike and Ben Seaver from Growing Pains.
Blind Audition #7: Christian Porter, 21, Cover Song Musician from Pennsylvania
Guess What?: Thought to be deaf as a child because he didn’t talk. He just moaned and grunted, like I do whenever a nun acts hip or wacky in a movie.
Guess What Else?: Doesn’t want to be a Cover Song Musician forever, even though the more people who know the lyrics to “Love Shack,” the more confident we can all be that future generations will remember it, and avoid repeating it.
Song Choice: “Sexy and I Know It”
Results: Cute Hair. Cute Cheekbones. Subtle Chest Exposure. Cute Little Ears straight off a Chipmunk Cookie Jar. Every girl watching under 20 is already imagining that she and Christian are both characters on The Vampire Diaries. Shakira turned her chair. Blake turned his chair. Usher turned his chair. Adam could tell by the voice and the shrieking from the young girls that his future record sales and desktop wallpaper downloads depended on this upstart crashing and burning immediately, so he stayed put.
Blind Audition #8: Leah Lewis, 15, Florida
Guess What?: Adopted
Song Choice: “Blown Away”
Results: Sadly, she got blown away. The coaches gave Leah the “It was so close” speech, followed by the, “You still have time to develop” speech. She was very gracious but cried backstage. While she cried, Carson reminded her that she was “so close” and “still had time to develop!” This made Leah cry even more, so he asked her, “Hey, you wanna see twins who sometimes say the same thing at the same time???”
I Am Such a Coward That: When I see Leah’s long curly hair reaching down to her waist, all I can think is, “Oh my! I hope she remembers to keep that pulled back when she’s operating machinery!”
Blind Audition #9: Chris Thomas, 27, R&B singer
Guess What: Had a record deal. Lost the record deal. Drank ’til he passed out. Crashed into someone’s yard. Could have killed an entire family. Didn’t spill his Jack in the Box on the car floor!
Song Choice: “Saving All My Love For You.” Lots of falsetto… lots and lots of falsetto.
Results: Team Shakira by default. The guys turned around afterwards and were stunned that Chris was a guy. Of course, if they’d actually listened to the song they would have heard him gender-bend with the lyric, “…but no other girl’s gonna do.”
Blind Audition #10: James Irwin, 30 from St. Louis
Guess What?: Damn…. really, producers? You’re making James talk about the deaths of pre-maturely born twins in his Voice interview? Yikes!
Song Choice: “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved”
Results: Not a single chair. Damn! This show makes The Bachelor look downright charitable.
Blind Audition #11: Judith Hill, Los Angeles, CA
Guess What?: This is what NBC hopes you talk about tomorrow morning. Actually, they really hope you’ll talk about Go On, The New Normal, Revolution, and Do No Harm, but they’ll settle for you talking about Judith Hill. Just as long as you don’t talk about that show about the hospital that had a monkey in it.
Song Choice: “What a Girl Wants”
Results: Parents are both musicians. She’s worked as a professional back-up singer. She sang with Michael Jackson. She performed at his memorial service for God’s sake. How is it fair that this woman and little former snaggletooth Danielle Bradbury have to compete against one another?
Did You Hear It?: Usher said. “I’m not one to bullshit.” Am I the only one who caught it?
That’s it for the first week of Season Four. Was Janetza robbed? Will Usher learn what comes after four? Will Adam wear a collared shirt next week? And who’s your early favorite? Click below to lend them your support.