This week we’re off to Montana, where Bachelor Sean and his eleven remaining lovelies are holed up in a wilderness lodge. Are you a big fan of the outdoors? Because I’m not. Michael has been trying to get me to go camping for almost eight years and the closest we’ve gotten is when I agreed we could go outside the Starbucks and drink our mochas on the street. Before you judge me too harshly, I will add that I was wearing sneakers at the time and there were several mosquitoes lingering about. There was also a guy peeing on the hood of a car nearby. Bears do that, don’t they? It’s basically the same thing.
Despite the new locale, it was a pretty standard week on the old Bachelor, with the only interesting behavior chalked up again to Tierra, who I’ve noticed has been singled out about a million times on the web for having a dent in her forehead. I’m just wondering… has no one noticed there’s a girl with only one arm this season?
The best thing tonight had going for it was that it was time for this season’s two-on-one date! That means Sean’s gotta go out with two girls at one time, and then kick one to the curb right in front of the other one! Well, okay it doesn’t always go down exactly like that. Usually the Bachelor takes the loser out behind a large rock or a dumpster before flicking away her last shred of dignity and making her eat her own falsies. Sometimes, if the three of them are on a yacht, he makes the loser climb onto a dingy and row herself back to shore. And one time, he pressed a button and she flew out of the top of the car just like in Goldfinger! Okay, okay, that one didn’t actually happen, but when a show’s been on as long as The Bachelor, you never know what lines they might eventually decide to cross.
Date Number One goes to Lindsay the Substitute Teacher. Sean takes her outside and shows her a helicopter, and Lindsay squeals, “Is that a helicopter?” which helps clear up why a permanent teaching position has thus far eluded her.
Glacier National Park is our destination, but we actually saw very little of it. Was it just me, or was there no real date? I leaned over to stick my fork into a Brussels sprout and when I looked back Sean and Lindsay were already parked on a blanket making goo-goo eyes and drinking Zimas. Does Lindsay just not give good tv? Was Sean pouting because he didn’t get to start this episode in a leather thong? I can’t even begin to imagine what was left on the editing room floor, but I do know one thing… this does not bode well for Lindsay in the weeks to come. Oh, I know one other thing too … Brussels sprouts taste like feet!
And before you can say, “micro penis!” Sean has whisked Lindsay away to a secluded cabin with a moose head over the fireplace. Lindsay explained to Sean that being an Army brat sucks. Sean explained to Lindsay that she’s amazing. They kiss again, and guess who got a rose? Hint: it wasn’t the moose head, though it displayed the most charisma out of the three. And it didn’t even sing.
Goats, canoes, bales of hay and Chris Harrison! We’ve either reached the Group Date or my wildest sex fantasy is about to come true. The group date is usually about a half hour of filler, but this one took the cake. The girls had to compete in some sort of Montana hillbilly death race that began with them rowing canoes, then running with hay, cutting a log in half, and finally drinking milk fresh from the teats of a goat. I once drank milk fresh from the teats of a goat and got kicked out of the petting zoo. But on ABC when you do it, you get to go on a night date.
The losing team was supposed to go home, but ultimately it didn’t matter because Sean decided to bend the rules and invite the losers along for the rest of the date. Needless to say, the winning team was not happy about this. Luckily they were otherwise occupied fishing goat pubes out of their teeth. And how come Sean keeps getting to change the rules week after week? If he keeps this up there won’t be anything for Chris Harrison to do but stand around and be annoying. Luckily, Chris has had about 17 seasons of practice at it, so people don’t really notice anymore. Also, he makes about $500,000 a minute, which means he made a cool million in the time it took me to throw up all the Brussels sprouts. I hate my life.
Now here we are at the Tierra vs. Jackie Two-on-One Smackdown Date. Did any of us really think Jackie even had a shot? Have we heard this girl even speak at all this season? The floor mats in the helicopter had more dialogue. At dinner, Tierra and Sean stepped out to the patio and Tierra gave Sean some sob story about an ex-junkie she used to date. She wept and wept, and gullible Sean tenderly dried her eyes with a hankie, then tucked it neatly back into the dent in Tierra’s forehead.
Meanwhile, Jackie was left inside with no other choice but to cuddle up to the moose head and ask if it wanted to pair up with her for next season’s Amazing Race. Tierra got the rose. Jackie was dumped into the middle of the forest with no cab fare, a can of Deep Woods Off! and instructions on how to cut off her foot in case starvation became an issue.
Needless to say, none of the other women like Tierra and they’re all ready and willing to point out to Sean that he should be “wary of her.” But when Sean asks them why he should be concerned, none of them care to admit that the only reason they don’t like Tierra is because she’s getting more screen time and manipulating her way to a fast proposal and more covers of In Touch magazine than any of them can count. With nothing more to go on, Sean went ahead and gave Tierra a rose.
Later, Sean had a heart-to-heart with his best bud Chris Harrison, who said he’d noticed a bad vibe and wanted to check in and make sure his pal was okay. Sean revealed he couldn’t understand why none of the other woman like Tierra. Chris continued to back-door audition for his own talk show and probed Sean on his feelings. Sean said that without any supporting evidence, there was no reason to ask for Tierra’s rose back. Chris took a long deep breath and stared at Sean. For a second I thought he was gonna lean in and start massaging one of Sean’s breasts, but instead they did one of those “bro hand bumps” and parted ways. Come on, guys! It’s Montana. All men there are gay sometimes. There’s only 30 women native to the state, and they all look like that banjo player from Deliverance!
Thank God we’ve arrived at the Rose Ceremony, and I’m counting the hours until we get back to the mansion. Actually, I’m counting the hours until the season premiere of Smash, but The Bachelor won’t let me promote rival networks anymore. Still in the running on tomorrow night’s episode (don’t forget!) are Desiree the Bridal Expert, Selma the Iraqui, Leslie the Political Consultant, AshLee the Personal Organizer, Sarah the girl with only one… well you know, and Catherine the… well I don’t have any idea who the fuck Catherine is, or when she snuck in. I think she’s the woman who shampoos the bearskin rugs at the lodge after the gang checks out.
Poor Robyn was the only one who got shafted at the Rose Ceremony. A few weeks ago she was betting Sean didn’t like black women, and looking at it that way, I guess that makes Robin a big winner! Hooray!