This week’s episode of The Bachelor started off with our “Texas Toe Head” Sean running shirtless on a treadmill. Is it just me, or is Sean always wearing those same blue shorts? Did the producers of The Bachelor only shoot him working out once, and are showing us a little bit each week, or does someone need a gift certificate to Big 5 Sporting Goods? You’d assume Sean would have a large supply of workout wear on hand, buff as he is. But then, you’d also assume that Jodie Foster would work on a speech beforehand when she knew she was getting an award. Sometimes people just go ahead and surprise us.
Photo Credit: Rick Rowell
Tonight’s first one-on-one date goes to Lesley M. the Political Consultant. Sean takes her to the Guiness Museum on Hollywood Boulevard which, sidebar, is about two miles from where I live.
I always laugh to myself when people who don’t live in Hollywood see Hollywood Boulevard on television and imagine it’s full of beautiful people and swanky restaurants, when in fact the only things to do there are pose for pictures with an out of work actor in a bad Mickey Mouse costume, shop for a mini license plate with your name on it, and eat a ten dollar hot dog in the gutter while watching the security guard chase junkies out of Rite-Aid.
Photo Credit: Rick Rowell
Sean and Lesley are going to try and break the world record for the longest on-screen kiss, everybody!
You heard that right. The longest on-screen kiss. Not the longest kiss, which is fifty hours, 25 minutes and 1 second. The longest on-screen kiss is only three minutes and fifteen seconds. Hell, I kissed my pillow longer than that when I was in puberty.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to kiss either Sean or Lesley for three minutes. We’ve all been in that position where we suddenly realize we’ve reached the point where we no longer wish to kiss the person we’re kissing… but they still seem to really be into it, so we just keep going while we ponder the things we never have time to ponder otherwise in life… like why yogurt can suddenly stay in the fridge way longer than it could twenty years ago, or what the white guy on CHiPs is doing now.
I personally don’t need to kiss for more than thirty seconds if I’m fully clothed, forty seconds if there’s a television in the room, and a minute max if there’s a cute little kitty around I could be shaking a string at. Three minutes of kissing is pretty fucked up for any human being as far as I’m concerned.
“He’s starting to cop a feel now!” squealed Chris Harrison midway through Sean and Lesley’s lip-lock, extending his own record for being the sleazy best friend who never gets any tail on his own and always gets voted to go on the beer run. Chris should never go off script.
Well, surprise… they broke the record. There must have been at least three and a half ounces of confetti launched into the air. Then all the people who’d been standing around in one place on Hollywood Boulevard distracted did what they always do… frantically checked to see if they still had their wallets and wondered how far it was to Sea World.
By the way, no one on the show mentioned who in fact had the record for longest on-screen kiss before Sean and Lesley. I spent some of my evening trying to research it, until I realized I’d actually found something to do with my time that was even more pathetic than recapping The Bachelor, so I quit.
By the way, Lesley got a rose, and later that evening another kiss from Sean. This time he used his tongue. It was gross, and this is coming from a guy who’s already freely admitted to you that he used to make out with his own bedding.
Photo Credit: Matt Brown
Here we are on the Group Date!
Sean wants to lay back and throw around the football at the beach. I’d be out already. I can neither throw nor catch, I have no idea how many people make up a football team, I don’t know what a conference is, and black and white vertical stripes on a man is just plain gauche!
I’ll be over here making sand pies.
Photo Credit: Matt Brown
Oh look! Chris Harrison got off early from his day job as Baskin Robbins store manager to let the girls know they were going to play volleyball, with the winning team staying with Sean for the rest of the date, and the losers shipped back to the Crab Shack.
Photo Credit: Matt Brown
Taryn the Health Club Manager from Troutdale, Oregon cooed, “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life!” which doesn’t say much for Taryn, but says even less about the level of recreational activities available in Troutdale, Oregon.
It was hardly Olympic-level physicality, folks. The girls shouted things like “Look alive!” and “Call it!” But basically all they did was run in circles and squeal tirelessly, the way a puppy might if you tied a Snausage to his tail.
Kristy was so upset about losing, she cried. Cheer up Kristy! At least you’re not from a place called Troutdale!
Later that evening, Desiree the Bridal Stylist bravely admitted to Sean that she was the kind of girl who lived life to the fullest! Lindsay the Substitute Teacher bravely admitted to Sean that she was the kind of girl who didn’t need constant attention! Kacie B. bravely admitted to Sean that she’s not a dramatic person! I was reminded of the time I was inspired to bravely admit that I like to skip for no reason and can still fit into my high school pants! I felt so good about myself, but I didn’t get a second interview.
The next one-on-one date went to AshLee the Personal Organizer. What can you say about a personal organizer that she wouldn’t be able to say for you in fewer words, on a lovely pink index card, folded just so, and tucked away in a nice box next to your paper clip caddy and your thumb tacks categorized by sharpness?
You can’t just put “Personal” and “Organizer” together and call it a profession. What if everyone forged their careers that way? Think how many Cinnamon Roll Smellers we’d have!
I don’t like people with made-up professions any more than I like people who capitalize a letter in the middle of their first name. But what I really don’t like is when The Bachelor tries to pretend its heart is in the right place. For their date, Sean and AshLee had an entire amusement park to themselves… well themselves and two girls who suffer from mitochondrial disease. Holy crap! How am I supposed to say something snarky about mitochondrial disease? It’s one of those diseases that’s so rare I don’t even know if I’m spelling it properly.
I feel like the producers of The Bachelor have a strategy: when they really want you to like one of the girls competing for the man’s heart, they shove them into a date where they’ll look selfless and wholesome. When they’re trying to make you think the girl’s a psycho, they make her jump off a cliff or a skyscraper hoping she’ll whimper and mumble hysterically so we can feel superior.
And of course, when it’s a girl who’s comparatively homely-looking, they make her hunt for bugs in a cave, or process her own pork at a slaughtering plant.
Yeah, I’ve cracked this code, and we can all just sit back and learn to like AshLee… she’ll be with us for some time to come.
Later in the evening, AshLee was proud of herself for sharing with Sean that she was adopted, which, compared to having mitochondrial disease, is like expecting to score points for admitting you have to use Latisse to keep your lashes thick.
AshLee also admitted to being abused as a child. If you’re keeping track tonight, we’ve had child abuse and chronic disease, and though I haven’t mentioned it yet, don’t forget there’s a girl with only one arm. Is it The Bachelor or a very special episode of Little House on the Prairie? You make the call.
Time for the Rose Ceremony! But before we start, Sean puled Kacie B. out of the room and told her he had way too much respect for her to embarrass her by making her go through a Rose Ceremony when he knew he didn’t want to be with her. So instead he pulled her outside so he’d be able to embarrass her in close-up.
Among those hanging on through to next week were Tierra, Desiree, Leslie H., Drunk and Disorderly Daniella, “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Black” Robyn (see next week where she suggestively offers him “chocolate”), and Jackie the Cosmetics Consultant, who I hope is ringing up sales in the mansion ‘cuz she sure ain’t ringing up time on tv.
Kicked to the curb this week were Taryn the Health Club Manager from Troutdale, Oregon: “I didn’t open up myself. Maybe I”m not ready. I might not be sweet enough for him. That’s disheartening”
And Cover Girl Kristy, “It would have been a fairy tale. I hope my chance for love will come some day. Uh… I’m sorry.”
And that’s the way the mitochondria malfunctioned on this week’s episode of The Bachelor. It’s taken me so long to write this recap, I’ve broken my own world record for holding in my pee. Come back next week. Bitches are gonna be doin’ roller derby!