Episode Two of this season’s The Bachelor started pretty much the same way Episode One did. Our “Texas Toe Head” Sean was shirtless and working out…. again. But it didn’t stop there. Oh no. This week we also got to see Sean caress his own chiseled torso in the shower. Is it me, or is Sean’s season of The Bachelor the closest we’ve gotten yet to straight up gay porn? I wouldn’t be surprised if next week’s episode starts with Sean asking the guys who delivered his mattress to help him try it out and make sure it’s up his standards. Or maybe we’ll see Sean asking his teacher if there’s anything he can do to pass the class while innocently stradling a yardstick.
Date Number One goes to Sarah, the Advertising Executive with only one arm. You read that right. She lost her left arm in her mother’s uterus. And even though Sarah boldly tells Sean, “My ability to love is not affected by the number of arms I have!” I’m not completely buying her timid, impish routine. Remember, having one arm also doesn’t affect Sarah’s ability to rip out another’s girls hair extensions after she’s had one too many Alabama Slammers in the jacuzzi. Just wait til February Sweeps. You’ll see.
Sean takes Sarah to the top of a very high building. Surprise! They’re going to jump off the top while Keanu Reeves’s fat brother captures it on his BetaCam.
I’m getting tired of this skyscraper stunt, aren’t you? They do it every season. There’s a thousand and one other challenging things to do in a skyscraper. I would have much preferred it if the producers of The Bachelor had tied Sean and Sarah back to back and forced them to spider-walk up the garbage chute or made them try to collect delinquent rent from the bi-polar cat lady who eats her own hair. But no, they just had to jump off the side. Television just isn’t imaginative anymore.
That evening over wine, Sarah tells the story of how she wasn’t allowed to zipline because of her disability. Later, Sean gave her a rose. He said that even though Sarah couldn’t zipline, he was happy to see it hadn’t stopped her from being active. In fact, he said he’d never seen anyone do so many one-armed push-ups.
Oh shut up. Sarah reads my blog. She knew what she was getting into.
In any event, so far I like Sarah more than any other girl on the show, and her date with Sean was certainly more interesting than the Group Date that followed… a photo session sponsored by Harlequin Romance Books… you know, those books you see on the shelves at senior homes and mental wards. Clearly sporting a leg up in the competition was Cover Girl Kristy, who knows a thing or two about how to model professionally. And sure enough, the minute she heard it was a photo session, she fluffed up her hair, put Vaseline on her teeth and paid Jackie the Cosmetics Consultant to hold down her arms while Brooke the Community Organizer activated her gag reflex.
Later that evening, Katie admitted to the other girls that she felt excessively uncomfortable competing for a man’s attention. Of course, all of the women unanimously agreed that Katie should definitely leave, though I don’t really think they should have been too concerned. Nevertheless, Katie told Sean that she wanted to go home, pick up the pieces of her life, and go back to her career as a professional assassination decoy for actress Amy Irving.
By the way, Kacie B. got the Group Date Rose. Exactly why she got the rose was never really made clear. The group date was a real snoozer anyway. Thirteen woman, and Sean got nowhere with any of them. I had more game than this guy in sixth grade, and I was putting on puppet shows!
Date Number Two held some promise. Sean took Desiree to a phony art exhibit, then left her all alone in a room with a supposed million dollar sculpture that came crashing to the floor while Sean and Chris Harrison watched on the monitor and giggled. It did not produce the effect everyone had hoped for. Desiree’s face displayed next to zero response, proving that between a woman competing on The Bachelor and a pile of shattered glass on a dirty floor, it’s often difficult to tell who’s response time might be faster.
I wouldn’t say Desiree even for a moment gave the slightest hint she was worried, or that she was even being fooled. The statue crashed and produced no real response one way or another from anyone watching, much like this episode of The Bachelor.
Over here is Amanda, and surprise! All the other girls hate her. She’s sour and incomprehensible one minute, rambling and manic the next, much like someone in their first week of sobriety or Jodie Foster at the Golden Globes.
Thank God we’ve reached the Rose Ceremony… say the ladies, Chris Harrison, the home viewers, and Sean, who’s waiting to get home so he can rub pumpkin oil all over himself, lay Men’s Fitness magazines all over the floor and roll around singing “I’m Too Sexy” ’til he exhausts himself.
Along with Sarah, Kacie and Desiree, those receiving roses this week included AshLee the Personal Organizer, Drunken Bride Lindsay, Jackie the Cosmetics Consultant, Teach-Me-Arabic Selma, Cover Girl Kristy, Drunken Daniella, and Miss Amanda-Off-Her-Meds.
Among taking the walk of shame (and not the fun kind) were…
Brooke the Community Organizer: “I was open! I was excited about love! But love was just not here.”
And Diana the Salon Owner: “You don’t have a lot of free time when you’re a single mom.”
I expect a lot more orchestrated drama than what I got out of tonight’ Bachelor episode, don’t you? I’m not sure if the scenes for next week’s installment, including the arrival of the paramedics and one of the girls in a neck brace will be enough to keep me excited. We’ll see which muscles Sean elects to flex at the top of the show, and whether or not there’s a naive, twinkish bellboy nearby, or maybe a couple of cattle rustlers who mosey up and offer to show Sean how they like to brand a stallion.