Pizza with apples is both surprisingly tasty and also a daring “rule breaker,” like when you were a kid and made a sandwich out of wheat bread and Fritos and it brought you closer to God.
I’m a crazy Christmas whore. At least that’s what you might label me if you were a mean person. And even if you did, I’d be okay with that. I’m no stranger to being called names, you know. In fact, regularly in elementary school, mean kids would scratch out the R’s in both my first and last names on my lunch bag, then turn the “N” into a “K,” transforming me from Gary Green into “Gay Geek.”
And they didn’t stop there. They also called me “Gary Green Bean” “Gary Green Eggs and Ham,” “Gary Gary the Human Fairy,” and my personal favorite, “Faggot!”
Kids really can be cruel, but if I was pressed to admit it, I really don’t see much of a difference between “Faggot” and “Crazy Christmas Whore,” so in this particular case the kids I went to school with were less cruel than they were right on the money.
Even as a full grown man it would be hard for me to argue it, as just today I was sharing with friends at Pinkberry how I had been dieting for a week so I’d look good for the upcoming premiere of The Bachelor. Meanwhile in my head, I was silently booking thirty minutes later in the day to stand in front of the mirror and see what I’d look like with my hair parted on the left instead of the right. Let’s be honest… a Crazy Christmas Whore is just a Faggot who’s out of season.
I’m almost positive I’m a giant grump outside the month of December. For the rest of the year if you tried reading the sentiment I was presenting on my face, you’d come up with only three options: 1.) “I’m not interested in hearing more from you,” 2.) “Why the hell would we do that?” or, 3.) “Well well well, look who thinks she’s God’s gift to Starbucks.”
Of course, I’ve never gone so far as to ask anyone if I’m coming off as tyrannical and disagreeable as I think, though sometimes MG calls me out for being unpleasant when we’re in public. If I’m pretty sure he’s going to pick up the check, I agree with him. We Gay Geeks are always thinking ahead like that.
But I’m most definitely someone you want to know in December. I might even say hello to you before you can do it to me. And if I’ve managed to get in at least a good eight hours of sleep, it’s possible I’ll allow you to tell me what you think is currently interesting about your life and the lives of those with whom you interact. Yep, in December I’m a real cuddle bug.
This was our awesome 2011 Christmas tree. It’s the first and only tree MG and I have had as a couple. It’s fake. It’s plastic. But it’s ours! It doesn’t look like much while we’re inserting Branch 6 into Slot F, but once it’s fully decorated, there’s not a Christmas tree painted on any Candy Land game board in the world that can beat it.
Included on this tree are a variety of ornaments from my childhood, my time with MG and both of my cats – the fat dead one and the skinny dead one. MG made them both for me. Guess which is which.Interact with me while you can, people. Come December 26th, MG and I will start dismantling the Candy Land Tree and wrapping the ornaments back up in newspaper and old plastic grocery bags. Everything in Hollywood will cease smelling like pine and go back to smelling like public transit. Drunk people will just be annoying and loud again – not longer opportunities for me to put the needs of others ahead of my own inflated ego.
I’ll try and endure it all with a pleasant sigh, and do my best to just keep to myself for a while. If you see me out somewhere, just keep walking and save whatever it was you were going to say to my until at least spring. Trust me. It’s the best thing for the both of us. There’s nothing worse than a Crazy Christmas Whore in January.
Chipotle Chicken and Apple Pizza
- 1 Tbsp olive oil
- 1/2 – 2/3 cups Apple Chipotle Grilling Sauce
- 1/4 onion, finely diced
- 1 cup cooked chicken, shredded or cubed
- 1 medium Washington apple, peeled, cored and sliced thinly
- 1 cup fontina cheese
- 1 cup mozzarella cheese
- 2 tsp. fresh thyme, chopped
Recipe for homemade pizza dough can be found here
Preheat oven and pizza stone (or heavy baking sheet) to 500 degrees for at least 30 minutes.
Roll out your pizza dough and coat with the olive oil. Spread the apple chipotle sauce evenly and then add apple slices. chicken, and all cheese. Top with onion and thyme.
Add any additional seasoning you would like and bake in the oven for 10-12 minutes. If you notice the side closer to the rear of your oven browning faster, turn pizza midway through the cooking. Remove, let cool and enjoy!