Food Network Star Recap: July 1, 2012

9:01 pm – Ippy is beyond thrilled that the remaining competitors are heading to Miami for this week’s Food Network Star competition. Ippy has apparently forgotten what humidity can do to curly hair.

9:03 pm – On the beach, the gang meets up with Bobby, Giada and Thurston Howell the Third to receive this week’s challenge.

9:04 pm – Bobby informs the competitors that their challenge this week is to throw a Welcome Party to VIP families attending this year’s South Beach Food and Wine Competition, including most importantly, celebrity cook Paula Deen and her family.

9:05 pm – When Southern-born Martie hears she’ll be cooking for Paula Deen, she becomes excited, says “Dagnabbit!”

9:07 pm Giada reminds Ippy that this beach challenge is really his “time to shine” because he’s from Hawaii and his head looks like a pineapple.

9:09 pm – Private Chef Malcolm announces to camera, “My culinary genius has no limitations, so why should I pick one simple POV and limit myself?’ all but ensuring he’ll be the one going home this week. Personally, I thought Malcolm went home weeks ago. Watch the previous three episodes of Food Network Star and give me one reason to believe otherwise.

9:10 pm – Michele complains about how much work stone crabs are to prepare. The stone crabs complain that Michele looks like a middle-aged version of Ponyboy from The Outsiders.

9:12 pm – Nikki Martie, and Martita head to Target to buy supplies for the party. After being confronted with the trio’s onslaught of artificial sunniness, several customers mistake them for employees, several more mistakes them for Jehovah’s Witnesses, one asks if they’re “Kardashian aunts.”

9:14 pm – Yvan’s Zoosk-Dot-Com “Personality Matcher” results come in, and the first date is a roaring success.

9:13 pm – Time to start shooting each competitor’s “Thirty Second Party Tip!”

9:14 pm – As usual, Martie goes over time, says,”Guhd-darniit!”

9:15 pm – Michele complains that she rambles too much and is worried she’ll go over, but instead goes five seconds short. If I were Michele, I would have used that time to re-assure the home audience that the giant knife tattoo on my leg was not a trophy tattoo from that time I stabbed a newbie to death on Cellbock H.

9:17 pm — Nikki is excited that she’s finally able to cook outdoors… because that’s what’s been holding her back so far.

9:18 pm – Malcolm says that despite what Bobby Flay, Susie Fogelson and Bob Tuschman have all advised him to do, he absolutely, positively does NOT NEED TO HAVE A POINT OF VIEW to win this competition.

9:20 pm – Martie is still excited about cooking for Paula Deen, professes she’s “happier than Beulah the cow,” cries into her endives.

9:21 pm – Michele doesn’t have any time to pick out the shells from her crab, so she decides to just stick with the plan and see what happens, just like I did the time my ex-boyfriend starting choking at the dinner table right when my chocolate mousse pie arrived.

9:22pm – Hey ya’ll!

9:23 pm – Justin is intent on proving he isn’t “stone cold,” which translates into “My Personality Hints at an Undetected Bowel Obstruction.”

9:24 pm – Justin serves corn soup but doesn’t warn anyone about the large amount of chili sauce. Paula coughs and gasps desperately for air.

9:24 pm – Justin: “When I see that my food is choking Paula Deen, I’m disappointed.”

9:25 pm – The judges watch Martie’s botched Thirty Second Tip video. Alton Brown points out that managing on-camera countdowns is a big issue for Martie. But seeing as she is also from the South, Paula Deen is completely sympathetic and the two reassure one another.

Paula: “I totally get you!”
Martie: “You totally would. Birds of a feather–”
Paula: “–taste better when you stuff them with Nutella!”

9:28 pm – Malcolm serves his food to the judges and… surprise! Guess what their first question is about.

9:29 pm – Michele presents her seafood. Several people unexpectedly bite into large crunchy bits. Others say they’re “afraid to eat it.” Mothers warn their children away from the table. Many report bleeding gums. Cats politely pass.

9:30 pm – Paula tells Yvan he is “adorable” and “charming” and makes ZOWEE! eyes at him like they’re both in a Tex Avery cartoon and Yvan has just dissolved into a roast turkey.

9:35 pm – Malcolm tells Bobby Flay he doesn’t think lacking a point of view is a problem. Bobby tells Malcolm if he’d like to take a picture with him, he should do it soon.

9:40 pm – Ippy wins the challenge and a $20,000 gift card from Target. Ippy buys 40,000 Aloha shirts.

9:45 pm – In the bottom two this week are Malcolm and Michele.

9:48 pm – Producer’s Challenge – Michele and Malcolm have to make a Beach Party Cocktail. Cue a groan from Michele. Malcolm doesn’t even seem sure of what was just said.

9:51 pm – Michele presents the judges with a combination of rum, orange juice and cranberries, points to the knife tattoo on her leg and warns them she can turn anything into a shank in under ten seconds.

9:52 pm – Malcolm presents a drink consisting of blended Apple Cobbler with vodka, orange juice and brown sugar, and proudly calls it, “I Don’t Know What I Want to Call This.”

9:55 pm – Malcolm gets the ax. When asked if he thought he should have been the one to get cut from the show, Malcolm replied, “Eh… I don’t really have a point of view.  I could take me or leave me.”

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