This week, Homespun Emily and her all-male muscle revue landed in Bermuda where three dates awaited them.. a one-one one, a group date, and as host Chris Harrison seemed delighted to inform the men, a “2 on 1,” where one guy is sent packing right on the date!  Boy, that Chris Harrison is the luckiest fuck in Hollywood.  He gets paid millions of dollars each season to walk into a room, deliver obnoxious news, and walk out again.  I wonder if he’s branched out into making side money doing the same thing for friends and family.  ”Another martini, Chris?”  ”Thanks, yes!  And by the way, your collie has canine hepatitis!”
Up first this week is Doug the Hugger. Looks like Brad Womack. Talks like Brad Womack.  Tastes like Brad Womack?  Hey, you can just walk those dirty little thoughts over to Bachelor Pad, ya sickos!

The date was the typical “young couple in quaint foreign village sequence” this show does so well: Doug and Emily regard nick-nacks. Doug and Emily walk down cobblestone streets. Doug and Emily feed each other mystery street food. Doug and Emily walk through an archway with enchanted romantic powers and make a “love wish.” The only thing we didn’t get was the regular Bachelor/Bachelorette visit to the “Wide Old Sage,” a shriveled-up local straw hat vendor who’s been married to the same man for 95 years. Our pair of potential TrueHearts asks the Wise Old Sage to give them the secret of everlasting love, and the sage mumbles something in a foreign language the producers decide to translate at the bottom of our screens into an endearing nugget of wisdom like, “Hug one another and always be honest!” but really means, “Please fold me in half and smuggle me to America in your Samsonite!”

At dinner that night, Emily and Doug decided to deepen their bond by admitting their most horrid character flaws to one another.

Doug the Hugger: “I spend too much time doting over my son.”
Emily: “I’m super sensitive.”
Doug the Hugger: “I didn’t offer to wash my ex-girlfriend’s car.”
Emily: “I don’t like working out.”

I decided that this would be a wonderful way for MG and I to build up our relationship and deepen our trust, so I looked over to him and said, “I’m selfish with my time and my emotions,” to which he replied, “You also never pick up the check.”

For every question Emily asked, she feared Doug was trying to give her “the perfect answer.” It would seem to me at this point if Emily had a brain in her head, she’d just toughen up the questions. Instead of asking, “What makes you sad?” she should go for, “What’s the clinical name for the little dangly thing in the back of your throat?” or “Who played the fat janitor on Good Times?”

Personally, I think Emily just gave Doug the rose because she was getting bored talking to him and wanted to leave, but the producers wouldn’t let her get up from the table and it was the only trick she had left. It’s like when you’re on a really bad first date, so you take the person out to the car and have sex with them in the parking lot just to shut them up. Kids still do that, don’t they?

This week’s Group Date consisted of Plate-Head Charlie, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Ryan, Jef with one F, Sean the Insurance Agent, Race Car Arie, American Psycho Kalon, and Chris and Travis, neither of whom has made enough of impression on me to earn a demeaning nickname yet.

Emily split the men into teams and pitted them against each other in a sailing race. The winning team would have dinner with her. The losing team would be sent home and forced to spend the evening watching Ben Flanjik’s season of The Bachelor.

Cut to almost ten minutes of the guys on sailboats, pulling on jib sheets, turning the mainsails, and endlessly shouting motivational jock mottos to one another like, “Push through it!” “Rock it out!” and “Make it happen!” All except Plate-Head Charlie, who didn’t understand what was going on and shouted things like, “Soylent Green is people!” and “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”

Oh, and Sean the Insurance Agent pointed out he’d be great at competitive sailing because, “I played D-1 College Football!” I have no idea what that means, but I’m going to start using it as a way to convey my awesomeness whenever I have no idea what else to say.

“Gary, why should we hire you?”
“I played D-1 College Football.”
“Gary, have you been flossing regularly since your last visit?”
“No, but I played D-1 College Football.”
“Gary, did you drink this entire bottle of gin?”
“D-1 College Football, bitches!!”

Later on the beach, wrapped in a blanket, Arie tells Emily that his feelings for her are growing.

Later still, on the same beach, wrapped in the same blanket, Jef with one F goes about explaining his feelings to Emily, knowing that every word must speak volumes:
“I didn’t know what to expect coming into this.  And I really… I don’t know… I really like who you are, like, like I don’t know, like, really where I stand to you, or like, what I mean to you or, when I think about you, I like you. I makes me, like, want to be with you, you know, like…I’m nervous to invest a lot of feelings, but when we hang out it’s like, the best vibe.  It’s so fun, it’s just like… I really like hanging out with you.”

Not quite Paul McCartney, is it?  Thought it does re-affirm my number one rule of courtship: When you’re at a loss for words, put a chicken down in front of a keyboard, let it peck frantically for twenty minutes, read the resulting page to the object of your affection, and true love will always follow!

Speaking of which, nothing says true love like going out with two guys you barely know at the same time with the intention of kicking one of them to the curb before the night is over. Yes, friends, it’s time for the dreaded “2 on 1″, the date that sounds way more fun than it actually is. Sentenced to this “date to the death” with Homespun were John and Nate.  John is nicknamed “The Wolf.”  Nate is an accountant.  Knowing what we know about Homespun’s choice in men, do you see as clearly as I do how this will end?

After an afternoon of cliff diving mixed in with multiple metaphors about “leaps of faith,” the threesome end up having dinner at an underground Bermuda cave, home no doubt to dozens of romantic encounters every year, when it’s not being used as a dumping spot for corpses or a breeding ground for amoebic dysentery.

And seeing as this is the third date of the night, it’s important for these two guys to run through their qualifications as quickly as possible. After all, we’ve got a Rose Ceremony to get to, and Castle isn’t gonna start itself.

Nate… you’re an accountant.  Your parents have been married for an incredible thirty years!  You have amazing friends you’d do anything for! You want kids! And on top of all that, you’re not afraid to show your real emotions by shedding a tear in front of a woman!

John… you’re cocky, have bigger muscles and sound like Brad Womack. Make way for a rose.

And we’ve arrived at the Rose Ceremony! Joining the previously saved Doug the Hugger, Jeff with One F, and John the Wolf on a trip next week to Jolly Old England are… Alejandro, Travis, Chris, Race Car Arie, Insurance Agent Sean, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Ryan, and American Psycho Kalon.

Sent home was this fellow, who isn’t actually a competitor on the show. He was just a kid who delivered a pizza in Episode One and decided to hang out until someone noticed him.

And unfortunately, for Plate Head Charlie, the road ends here as well. Don’t tell him though. He thinks he’s just being sent out for beer, condoms and Halo 4.

And that wraps up Bermuda, folks. And as the men begin dwindle, the chances of Emily ending up with another emotionally-unavailable wrench-head with anger issues and a micro-penis brought on by excessive steroid use continues to grow. I can’t wait to see what happens next week in England, can you?

P.S. – that thing that dangles from the back of your throat is called a palatine uvula, and Johnny Brown played the fat janitor on Good Times.