Since Homespun Emily and her ten remaining suitors are heading to London this week for a very special episode of The Bachelorette, I decided this would be the perfect opportunity for me to include several choice pictures from the summer I backpacked through Europe, way back in 1989, thereby making it very special for all of you as well.  Check it out…. here’s me with Big Ben… and my Let’s Go Europe! map

And here’s me along the romantic Thames River.  No, I hadn’t recently lost several hundred pounds.  I apparently just liked to rock the extra-large shirts from Chess King.  I also think I still have those white short-shorts, in case I ever decide to take up professional badminton.

And finally, just so you can get an honest sense of my late-eighties fashion style, here’s one of me in Paris.  Do you think anyone was able to nail me as a tourist?

Yes, it’s a full frontal fanny pack… and acid washed jeans.  Laugh if you must, but try pulling off a mullet and a digital wristwatch without them.  It’s next to impossible!

First one-on-one-across-the-pond date this week went to Sean the Insurance Agent… good old, American-as-apple-pie Sean the Insurance Agent.  Sean is definitely a front-runner in little Homespun’s heart.  He’s sweet, clean cut, possesses a strong moral code, likes to sing around the campfire, respects his elders, takes in shelter dogs, crochets sweaters for orphans, never farts for comedy, always washes behind his ears, and can’t wait to see that new Pixar movie about the empowered girl with the amazing red hair!  With all that on his dance card, it’s no surprise the man has no time left over for personal conditioning.

Homespun takes Sean on a tour of all the sumptuous sights of London, but for some strange reason can’t help but speak to him like she’s an American tour guide and he’s the Olympic marathon team from Kenya.

“This… is… Westminster… Abbey!”
“This… is… where… the queen… waves!”
“This… bus… has … TWO LEVELS!”

The two have dinner at the Tower of London (“This is where… King Henry… lived!  At the end… there’s…a gift shop!”).  Sean revealed to Emily he’s picky about who he dates.  Emily revealed to Sean she was worried he might be boring.  They kiss.  I was so inspired, I marched right into the kitchen and revealed to Michael, “I’m emotionally stunted and fear my true feelings, ” to which Michael replied, “you also chew carrots with your mouth open.”

Meanwhile, things are cooking back at the hotel, and I don’t mean Yorkshire Pudding.  ”American Psycho” Kalon, who has yet to make a single move proving he wants to do anything with a woman other than make a prairie dress out of her skin, trotted out this little ditty about Emily in front of Race Car Arie and Jef with one F: “If you’re gonna be a part of her life, pretty much any day’s gonna be a group date. It’s gonna be you, her and Ricki.”

Kalon snickered.  Arie and Jef gave “Dude, that’s so not cool” faces.  Visual aides below:

Landing the group date this week were Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug the Hugger, Alejandro, Travis, John the Wolf and American Psycho. The group headed to Stratford-upon-Avon (Emily: “Shakespeare… was… born… here!”) where the guys were informed that they’d be performing with Emily in scenes from Romeo and Juliet.   As usual, the Group Date was basically an excuse to make the guys look like buffoons and fill twenty-five minutes of screen time.  It was however worth it just to see Doug the Hugger in costume.  He was supposed to look look a Shakespearian nurse, but all I could see was Yenta the Matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof.

By the way, my sister and I agree on many things, but we definitely do not agree on John the Wolf.

Creepy Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Ryan continues to position himself as the prime candidate for ABC’s next big romance-reality show, The Skeez, where fifteen women live in a house and one by one are duped, belittled, terrorized and ultimately buried alive by a serial pro sports therapist with sociopath sock puppet eyes and a parallelogram head.

Meanwhile, back at the London hotel, American Psycho Kalon continued to mouth off about Little Ricki behind Homespun Emily’s back, this time referring to her as “baggage.”  The guys all gave each other the “Dude, is that cool? Cuz I don’t think it’s cool” face, and then went back to trying to find Keira Knightley’s house on Google Maps.

All except Doug the Hugger, who decided to go to Emily and spill the beans about Kalon.  It seemed a little “neener neener” to me, but again, I decided to defer to my sister.

Togehter, Doug and Emily cofronted Kalon over his comments and Kalon claimed that his referring to Little Ricki as “baggage” had been given a negative connotation. That makes sense because usually when I’m referring to someone as baggage, it’s meant in the positive.  Example:  ”It’s my mom’s birthday!  Fifty-two years and that baggage still ain’t showing any wear or tear.”

Emily asked if Kalon had anything to say before she went all “West Virginia hood-rat back woods” on his ass.  Kalon replied: “Yeah.  Do you think I’m hot enough to bang Pippa before I leave?”

Emily scolded the remaining guys for not telling her about Kalon’s comments earlier.  Distraught and hurt, she left without giving out her rose for the evening and wandered the streets in tears, leaving the men and all us Bachelorette fans to wonder the same thing… what in God’s name is a hood-rat, and if one’s on the road will a West Virginian eat it?

Up to bat for the next one-on-one date… Jeff with One F!  Jef and Homespun had afternoon tea at The Chiswick House, where we all are fortunate enough to meet Jean, the World’s Most Constipated British Etiquette Teacher!  I’m telling you, Jean’s got it all.  She knows how to pour proper tea.  She knows which way to point the spout.  She knows how to excuse herself when she needs to the go to the loo.  And she is somehow able to say “strawberry jam” without actually ever pulling her lips apart!  Three cheers for Jean!  I smell Bachelorette 2013!

But our love bird yanks weren’t feeling it, so they skipped out on their cucumber sandwiches and Jean’s 35 VHS episodes of East Enders and wound up at a downtown pub, where Emily continued to bash on Kalon over a pint while Jef searched for his other “F” in a bowl of haggis.

And we’ve finally reached the Rose Ceremony… this week with a special appearance by Ames’s Willy Wonka pants from last season’s Bachelor Pad.  Yeah… suddenly my Paris frontal fanny pack doesn’t look so god damned funny, does it?

Safe at home for next week’s episode, along with the previously rose-awarded Sean and Jef, were Doug the Hugger, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Ryan, Chris, Travis, John the Wolf and Race Car Arie.

And the lone dude sent packing at show’s end?  Poor Alejandro.  No, I didn’t Photoshop the graphic.  That’s what he actually does for a living.  No telling what a pair of acid-washed jeans and a mullet might have done for him. If nothing else, they might have at least elicited enough sympathy out of Homespun for her to take him on a London clothing spree as a parting gift. “Before I kick your sorry ass to the curb, I’m going… to buy you… some Dockers!”