I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m pretty sure nothing screams “Mother’s Day” more than the brutal imagery of two young children hanging by the neck from the castle gates and still smoldering from being completely burned alive. Yes, it was a very special “After School” episode of Thrones entitled, “A Man Without Honor.”
Written by Johnny Mansbach for Tv Food and Drink
We pick up the morning after the seductively soiled wildling Osha has bedded Prince Theon. He wakes in the morning to find he is alone. And probably has crabs. Osha has fled Winterfell with the little Stark Lords Bran and Rickon on the back of the half-wit giant Hodor. HODOR!
After losing the scent of the boys, Theon throws a tantrum and beats up one of his insolent men. He’s clearly itching to unbridle his brute violence to show he is a leader. Or maybe he’s just itching from the crabs.
Maester Luwin has protected the young Starks his entire life. After Theon spots the Maester lurking nearby, he suspects the old man is hiding the boys… somewhere on a nearby farm…
Jon is still lost, traveling far north of the wall in the Frostfangs with his wildling captive Ygritte. He has an historical conversation about the “land of the first men” with Ygritte, who is more interested in discussing Jon’s newly revealed virginity.
Ygritte teases Jon mercilessly, baiting him to lose his virginity to her. But it’s a ruse to lure him into her territory where Jon finds himself surrounded by dozens of unnerving wildlings… Will they know how valuable this Stark boy is? Based on Jon’s prideful ramblings to Ygritte regarding being the son of Ned Stark—probably so.
At Harrenhal, Arya overhears The Mountain report he’s hung 20 men while looking for the assassin that nearly made it to Tywin’s quarters. It was Arya’s assassin (fulfilling her second of three death wishes.)
Lord Tywin extends Arya even more luxuries. He discusses his family legacy with her as she slurps on a bowl of mutton soup. Distracted by his story, he turns his back to her. She slides a knife into her unseen hand. She’s so close to the legendary Lannister’s evil, pulsating neck… This could end the war and free her sister Sansa from the clutches of Tywin’s grandson King Joffrey. She’s too late; the moment has passed…
Continuing with the implausibly friendly tête-à-tête, the unlikely pair teaches each other of the history of the Targaryen dragons.
As Arya explains that women also rode the dragons with their brothers, Tywin notices Arya’s noble accent. He is convinced she is not simply a commoner. Could he possibly know she’s a Stark?
Sansa finds the courage to thank The Hound for saving her from near rape… but clearly he just wants to eat her face.
Sansa has nightmares about her near-ordeal. But she discovers the horror is far worse upon waking to find she’s gotten her first period. Bloody hell! So the good news is she now has a legitimate excuse for the mood swings. The bad news is she’ll now be expected to birth some slack-jawed mongrel children for the Gollum-faced Joffrey.
Now that Sansa is a woman, Cersei suddenly trusts her. In a rare, sensitive moment Cersei offers a maxi-pad and the advice that a good queen should love no one but her own children. When Sansa asks Cersei’s expectance in loving Joffrey, the Queen Regent offers that Sansa will probably never be able to truly love her unlovable son. Happy Mother’s Day, Cersei!
The richest man in all of Qarth, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, offers to help Dany search for her missing dragons. After walking into a roomful of Dothraki flambé, of course she doesn’t trust him.
Having been away ship-hunting, Ser Jorah returns to Qarth to comfort the grieving Khaleesi Dany. Doubting whom she can now trust, Daenerys bestows one command upon her loyal knight, “Find my dragons.” He vows to not fail her again. It is clear Ser Jorah would give his life for her… and her dragons (the book flirts with this quite a bit, so while the show is not as explicit, that’s how I’ve come to interpret it.) Plus, poor Dany really needs to get laid. I’m sure Khal Drogo wouldn’t have cut his hair over the moon of his life having a girl’s night out. She’s been through a lot.
In some seedy, exotic neighborhood of Qarth, Ser Jorah meets the creepy, cloaked woman Qaithe. Also apparently moonlighting as a local amateur tattoo artist, the mysterious woman makes it clear that Ser Jorah has betrayed the Khaleesi, then entrusts him with information that one of The Thirteen stole her dragons.
Ser Jorah rejoins The Mother of Dragons as she stands before The Thirteen. She learns that the King of Qarth has promised dragons to the mysterious warlock Pyat Pree. After the other members have a good chuckle, Xaro Xhoan Daxos steps forward to proclaim that he, the richest man in all of Qarth, is now also the King of Qarth. Upon this, eleven hooded figures step forward from behind the seated members and slit the throats of the remaining Thirteen.
Ser Jorah and Dany try to escape, but the warlock is everywhere. To be fair, Pyat is relatively friendly when trying to force Dany to stay in the House of the Undying to serve as mother of dragons… all-the-while appearing as plenty of horrifically starving apparitions.
Robb makes a short cameo just long enough to hear of Cersei’s declination of his peace terms. His bleeding-heart healer peasant crush Talisa also asks him for extra silk to help sew up the wounded: both friend and foe. Horny Robb “suddenly” agrees to aid the wounded enemy soldiers as well as his own. I think he considers this first base.
In our premiere second-season showing of the captured Jaime Lannister, we find the “Kingslayer” reminiscing with his cousin and co-captor Alton. In the first season, the handsome Jaime looked like Prince Charming from the Shrek movies. But now the time-weathered warrior sports a beard that would rival that of the Galifianakis.
In the cage, Jaime shares his first memories of being a clumsy squire and cooks up a plan with Alton to escape. After leaning in closely, Jaime reveals the plan to be smashing in his cousin’s face with his heavy iron wrist cuffs. The plan works. Jaime defeats Alton’s unsuspecting face and, after strangling another poor extra, the Kingslayer is on the loose. But not for long…
Obviously a little rusty from being in a cramped cage, the narcissistic prince is recaptured. The father of the murdered guard demands Jaime’s head in retaliation, but Catelyn Stark steps in to, quite ironically, protect the life of her valuable prisoner.
Catelyn confronts Jaime for the first time since the boastful Lannister seized and had removed her beloved Ned’s head. Jaime baits her about Ned’s bastard son Jon. His reasoning is clear. Ned Stark had been with multiple women. Jamie finds himself far nobler to have only been with one woman—even if it has been his sister Cersei. Who’s keeping track of who’s mom was who’s and what not?
Remember: This was the man who pushed her son Bran out a two-story window, paralyzing him from the waist down. Holding back her Mother’s Day fury, Catelyn softly asks the porcelain giant Brienne to hand over her sword. Hmm, I’d start with cutting his ass off so he can’t even kiss it goodbye… But she can’t kill the metro scumbag Lannister yet… his family is still holding her daughters.
The rational Lannister Imp only makes one appearance this week to talk with Cersei about Joffrey’s uncontrollable behavior. Cersei appears broken: she’s not used to revealing so much vulnerability to her brothers… only her cootch. It’s clear that Cersei is growing more fearful and Tyrion sees a rare glimpse of humanity in his brother-boinking queen sister.
Still, Cersei finds herself waxing philosophical about their familial karma… Comparing her legacy to that of the purebred Targaryen children, she’s sure that her incestuous relationship with Jaime has brought this horrific turmoil to her life. She fondly reflects on the charmingly cruel and hereditarily psychotic features her son has inherited from his uncle/daddy Jaime. Oh yeah, that reminds me again… Happy Mother’s Day, Cersei!
BRAN AND RICKON
Back in the courtyard of Winterfell, Theon has gathered his army and captured residents. He wants to show them something… Something that will send a message to remind everyone he’s in charge… Two little bodies, charred beyond recognition, hang by the neck from the castle gates.
In a horrifyingly sobering instant we realize, along with Maester Luwin and the wailing townspeople, that these are the bodies of the young Stark boys Bran and Rickon. It’s a disgusting thought, so we’ll hope not, especially since there’s no sign of Osha or Hodor. But this show has proven to be all-too-real in its interpretations of mortal politics.
It was a second week without seeing Stannis, Davos or the Red Sorceress Melisandre. But we did hear a mention that Stannis’ armies were just 5 days away from King’s Landing. And now we’re just 6 days away from another Game of Thrones.
To Cersei and all the other happy mothers out there: Happy Mother’s Day!