After investing an entire season of Monday nights into Dancing with the Stars, you’d think I’d be as excited as the remaining teams are that we’ve all reached the semi-finals.
But as the season moves along, and the more amusing dead weight is slowly pared away, I’m sadly left with very little to mock. Remember Martina Navratilova and her “back end of horse” pants? Tiger-faced Jack Wagner? The way Melissa Gilbert used to slog around the room with misery plastered across her face as if mad scientists were threatening to inject her with smallpox if she didn’t score at least a 7 each week?
Those were the days. I was like a dog with a bowl full of T-bones – so many choices for where to plant my fangs, I just wanted to roll over onto my back and wiggle on the rug until I accidentally gave myself an erection in front of company.
Well, those days are long gone. We’ve got nothing left but the crème de la crème, and though the judges say it every single year, it’s actually true that this season, we’ve got the best four teams ever entering into tonight’s competition!
There’ll be no dog erections tonight.
William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Dance #1 – Tango – It’s my opinion that William’s good looks have gotten in the way of his getting the credit he deserves for his talent and ability. But it’s the same all over for guys like William, Jon Hamm, David Beckham and myself – we’re just too darn good looking to be given credit for the million and one other ways we also outshine everyone we know.
William plus a tango equals an opportunity to show off a snarly machismo while whipping Cheryl Burke around the room like a wet rag in a musical number set at a car wash. William did not disappoint. Cheryl’s gonna need to double up on her chiropractic visits after tonight.
Bruno: “No doubt who was on top. You were like the DICTATOR of the tango!”
Len: “I’ve not been so excited since my mum put me in long trousers! This is gonna be the best semi-finals ever. Overall, it was terrific!”
Carrie Ann: “You dance so beautifully! Such a great combination of charm and passion and sensuality.”
Dance #2 was the Samba.
Bruno: “You’ve entered the pleasure zone! I’m gonna die with “bum envy!”
Len: “I’ve never looked at a man’s bum for so long in my life!”
Carrie Ann: “You lived up to every expectation. Your bounce was more like a THRUST!”
SCORE: 30/30 –
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 58/60 –
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Dance #1 was the Quick Step – Despite her lackluster performance last week resulting in her lowest scores in a month, Katherine and her naughty bits are still my pick for this season’s mirror ball. Katherine could give the pros on the show a run for the money. And she could most definitely kick the shit out of “The Troupe.”
Bruno: “Picture perfect rendition of all the razzle dazzle of the Roaring 20’s… amazing technique!”
Carrie Ann: “That might have been the best dance I’ve ever seen on Dancing with the Stars.”
SCORE: 29/30 –
Dance #2 was a Salsa, and as has become the standard for Katherine, it was a knock out… until the final five seconds. Wow!
Bruno: “Don’t worry about what happened. UP until that point, it was absolutely wonderful!”
Carrie Ann: “That was fantastic. I’m so sorry about the end.”
SCORE: 27/30 –
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 56/60 –
Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd – Dance #1 – Waltz – I personally prefer Donald in a sleeveless t-shirt and red chinos. I think the man “shakes” better than he “glides.” That means, he may be at a distinct disadvantage getting stuck with the waltz. He doesn’t look bad by any means, but he’s not good enough to outshine his partner with the slower dances, thereby making it nearly impossible for him to steal the show. As Bruno mentioned in his comments, “It’s much harder to impress with a waltz.” Remember that, kids before you head to the front of the classroom for show and tell.
Len: “It was absolutely charming. You’re like a big, rough, tough cream puff.”
Bruno: “You are extremely light on your feet. You extended your lines tonight better than ever. It was like watching romance blossoming in front of my eyes.
Dance #2 was a Samba
Len: “Here and there a little bit careful, but bottom line, I liked it.”
Bruno: “It worked beautifully.”
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 57/60 –
Maria Menounos and Derek Hough – Dance #1 Argentine Tango – Well, I haven’t really been a fan of Maria all season, so there’s no reason to start now, even though I really did like this dance. It would probably be the classy thing to do to give Maria some credit for the wonderful execution in this tango, but I don’t want to start a new precedent this deep into May Sweeps. So, I’ll just congratulate Maria for never having an accidental nip slip and thank Derek for cutting his pants tighter and tighter across his ass with each successive week.
Len: “Totally caught up in the whole thing!”
Bruno: “Every step had a meaning and purpose, like a series of caresses, leading up to expectation beyond my wildest dreams!”
Dance #2 was the Jive
Len: “It felt great with the music. You had a little stumble. Anyway… I liked it!
Bruno: “Re-animated, re-defined and re-invented! It shouldn’t have worked, but it did.”
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 29 /60 –
HICH SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Derek and Maria
LOW SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Mark and a seemingly-injured Katherine
WHO’S GOING HOME? Sorry, Donald, You got stuck with the waltz and you’re paired with someone from “The Troupe.” If that doesn’t spell the end of the line, I don’t know what does.
See you next week for the finals!