I don’t know about you, but I’m getting the feeling that this is going to be a very wholesome, very Hallmark Channel, very “Homespun” season of The Bachelorette… full of snickerdoodles and grape juice, pizza parties and puppet shows.  By the end of the season, if there isn’t a Bouncy House outside the Crab Shack and a jacuzzi full of colored plastic balls, instead of vodka, tanning lotion and puke like normal, I will be very, very surprised.

Which isn’t to say that I don’t find Homespun Emily totally charming.  I do.  But a reality show about a charming woman looking for the man of her dreams I can watch.  A reality show about a charming woman looking for the man of her dreams and someone to be the father to her child starts to feel a tad bit… sad.

It will be interesting to see how this season of The Bachelorette manages to satisfy both of its core audiences:  the ones who watch truly hoping that Emily finds her way to the Prince Charming of her dreams, and the ones like me, who tune in just to see what levels of depraved sexual high jinks these gorgeous fame-whores will sink to just to secure an extended few weeks of exposure on this summer’s Bachelor Pad.

So let’s get to it.

This week, Date #1 went to Ryan, the Pro Sports Trainer from Georgia, who quotes his pastor and equates winning Emily’s heart to winning a baseball game.  Aside from that, Ryan’s only other talent seems to be parroting back everything Emily says, but in a more emphatic manner in order to ensure in her mind that this is the best date ever.

“That was fun.”
“That WAS fun!”
“I could do this all day.”
“I could ALSO do this all day!”
“I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this way.”
“YOU DEFINITELY ARE NOT!”
“I want to eat a human foot.”
“They are PACKED WITH SATISFYING FLAVOR and ROCKING THE CALCIUM!”

Expecting the date to include a hot air balloon or maybe a plane ride, Ryan desperately tries to conceal he’s not very excited about having to help make cookies in Emily’s kitchen for Little Ricki’s soccer practice. ”I get to bake… awesome,” he declares with the same flattened enthusiasm that 2010 viewing audiences expressed watching Bethenny Frankel parade around the ice on Skating with the Stars.

Personally, I’d love to spend the day wearing an apron and making cookies with Emily. Have they done a dating show yet about a group of men in search of their perfect Southern belle fag hag with a sweet tooth?  I have to make a call to my agent.

Okay, I’m back.  Here’s what Ryan looks like with an open shirt.  Frankly, if I looked like Ryan I’d be irked at having to wear a pectoral-concealing kitchen apron, too.  In fact, if I was Ryan I’d wear nothing into the kitchen but a cheetah print loincloth. Unless I was frying bacon.

At dinner, Ryan asks Emily if she’d be open to a man coming into her life and treating Little Ricki the same way he’d treat any children they might end up having together.  Emily gushes and eagerly replies, “I’ll gladly, gladly hand over control,” which tells us that despite what these two are saying with their words, they’re both already mentally shopping around for German boarding schools.  Rose awarded!

You might have thought from the commercials that the Group “Let’s Put on a Show!” Date with The Muppets was going to be packed with light-hearted fun and laughs. Instead, it was just an awkward mix of innocent playful puppets and embarrassed, horny douche-bags all privately wondering why they suddenly couldn’t get erections.

Plate-head Charlie is concerned that the slab of titanium in his skull that sometimes causes him mental lapses and speech distortions is going to prevent him from handling the stand-up comedy portion of the show.  He goes to Emily to share his concerns, only when he opens his mouth, instead of his concerns coming out, he just said “Don Knotts!” thirty times and then asked for a pony.  Emily excused him from the proceedings, even though she was confused because he seemed really, really funny to her.

Charlie needn’t have worried.  None of the guys really stepped up.  Singing! (No one knew the lyrics to “The Rainbow Connection”).  Dancing! (They stood in place, took off their top hats and put them back on again while Emily swayed back and forth). Comedy! (“What did Kermit say to Miss Piggy when she ate all the cookies?  Don’t be such a pig!”).  No one looked comfortable, except for all the Mormons in the audience.  They stood and cheered.

And now we’ve arrived at Date #2, which went to “Corn Dog” Joe.  You remember Corn Dog Joe from last week, right? How could you not? Every season of The Bachelorette has one of these overgrown, adolescent “Corn Dog” characters.  He’s the guy who always tries using goofball humor, South Park voices, and Seth Rogen movie dialogue to make up for the fact that he’s the only one in the house who doesn’t have any abs.

I’ll give Homespun credit for trying to find some depth in this guy, but let’s not forget she’s a mother.  Sooner or later, the time had to come when she’d ask Corn Dog about his life plans.  The exchange was painful, and went something like this:

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Happy!”
“Well, what does that mean?”
“Happy with no regrets about the decisions I make!”
“What does that mean?”
“Uh… I know you are, but what am I?”
“No really, where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mmmm.. Knock! Knock!”
“Do you have any plans for your future at all?”
“Pass!
“Joe, did you graduate college?”
“Chicken butt!”

Emily could see the writing on the wall.  I could see the writing on the wall.  The Nationel Federation of the Blind could see the writing on the wall.  Emily denied him the rose, and Corn Dog was sent packing.  Wanna see what two people who aren’t in love look like?
Sorry, Corn Dog. Your impish shenanigans did not come off as endearing, the way you thought they would. A boyfriend who likes to play Hungry Hungry Hippos all day in Little Ricki’s play house may be cute, but a husband who does it is just a little too “eepy-cray” to stand.

And, with Joe’s exit, the “harmless derfwad” card is once again up for grabs in the Crab Shack, along with all of Joe’s “Clay-Aiken-is-gay” jokes, and his collection of “Who farted?” t-shirts to wear around the pool.

Meanwhile, Shredded Tony the Lumber Trader was sweating bullets.  He was yet to have even a drop of one-on-one time with Homespun, and the threat of elimination was looming. So at the Cocktail Party, he decided the moment was right to make his move.

But as Tony approached Homespun, Ryan handed her a love letter he’d written and asked her to read it out loud.  Tony decided instead of retreating back to the man-pack, he’d wait there until she finished.
Unfortunately, the letter turned out to be seven pages (front and back).  So Tony ended up hovering awkwardly nearby for nearly fifteen minutes as Emily recited Ryan’s celebratory doctrine of all things female, beginning with, “Since the dawn of time…,” then passing through a brief summary of the fight for women’s suffrage, a celebration of the works of feminist standard-bearers Gloria Steinam and Lucretia Mott, a listing of his favorite Jane Fonda quotes, a detailed diagram of the female reproductive system as he understood it, and a signed affidavit in which Ryan agreed that Tina Fey’s amiable wit makes her drop dead sexy to men of all ages.

I think Tony made the correct choice in not backing away.  If nothing else, Homespun had to at least applaud the dude’s tenacity, even if he ended up looking like the kid at the field trip who stands uncomfortably in the corner, giving pleading faces to the Room Mother until someone finally realizes he’s got poopy pants.

And before you know it, we’ve reached our Rose Ceremony.  Those booking passage to next week included American Psycho Kalon, Race Car Arie, Doug the Hugger, Shredded Tony the Lumber Trader, Plate Head Charlie, and MC Stevie.

Those pitched into the soup, along with Corn Dog Joe this week, were “Looks Like My Ex” Aaron: “She made the decision. She’s missing out.” (Sidebar: I had those exact same glasses in high school, and I’m nearly certain they’re the reason I won the science fair).
And Kyle the Financial Advisor: “I totally should have opened up more. Now I’m going home.”

And with that, we come to the close of Episode Two of what so far has got to be the most sugar-coated season of The Bachelorette ever.  Next week we’re heading off to Tennessee where we’ll finally be able to decide for ourselves who’s looking more lifelike these days… Dolly Parton or Miss Piggy.  Hope to see you all then.