“Homespun” Emily Maynard finally returns to our televisions tonight to take her long-overdue turn as The Bachelorette, bringing along her signature combination of demure playfulness and brittle insecurity.
Oh, and the daughter. Yeah, that deadweight kid is still hanging around. And her name is still “Little Ricki.” And her fancy pink playroom is still bigger than my entire apartment!
You have to believe that Southern-bred “Mama Homespun” will display nothing but exemplary behavior all season long, in the same way she did on the Big Bad Bromack’s season of The Bachelor a couple years ago. After all, baby is watching!
So, there’ll be no lap dances… no booby flashing… no vodka snorting… no trying to fish dead leaves out of the hot tub with her ass cheeks… and most likely, no screaming at herself incoherently in the bathroom mirror. You know, all the things we loved most about Ashley the Girl Dentist.
None of that’s going down this season.
So go put on yer “watchin’ pants.” This here’s a classy Bachelorette, folks!
And if we know we can’t count out any naughty behavior from the lady, I’m going to take it on faith that this year’s crop of muscle-baboon-douche-bags are going to be so crass, callous and dense, they’ll make Bentley Williams look like Oskar Schindler.
And the first confirmation of this theory rolled in a little after 7pm my time from my sister in D.C., who sent me this telling text:
No need for me to even ask what she was referring to. We’ve been talking about tonight for weeks. She’s the only person who knows I did extra crunches this morning and had TWO protein smoothies to make sure I looked good for the season premiere. So, when I asked her if she’d give me any hints to whet my appetite, she followed up with this:
Well, that’s certainly got my curiosity piqued. So here we go! Our sweet potato Emily is in place. She’s got the little tater tot in tow! Time to back up the meat wagon and see what sticks to her ribs! Welcome to Season 8 of The Bachelorette!
Let’s start things off with Tony, the lumber trader and single dad looking for love. I have to assume this is not the first Bachelorette to feature a guy showing up with a glass Cinderella slipper for m’lady. If it is, the producers certainly have been asleep at the wheel. Oh, and by the way. Tony is shredded like a bag of Kraft taco cheese on top a julienne salad. Don’t believe me?
Say hello to David, the singer-songwriter. He’s the sensitive intellectual type who, in his brief intro, employed the words, “ineffable” “quintessence” and “disparate” – all of which I had to look up in order to make sure I was spelling them properly here. When not composing music, David enjoys a bi-monthly indulgence in mild calisthenics, as evidenced here.
Hey, I don’t make up the rules on how to get more hits to my website. I just play by ’em!
Charlie is 32 and enjoys keeping his shirt on, chatting with this bulldog, and banging on the titanium plate in his head.
Nope, I’m not shitting you. Charlie was standing on a balcony that collapsed and sent him to the ER with a severe brain injury. I’m talking a really, really severe brain injury. He actually thinks that bulldog is Meredith Vieira, and that he’s only one question away from the million dollars!
Good news! Arie is young, single and hot! Bad news. Arie is also a race car driver. As all experienced Bachelor and Bachelorette fans know, Emily’s deceased fiancé was a race car driver too. This could prove to be extremely uncomfortable and painful for Emily. Somewhere, the producers of The Bachelorette are twirling their mustaches and feeding orphan kittens to their Doberman.
Hey, look gang! It’s “Doug the Hugger” from Seattle. Next.
Here comes this season’s corn-dog! Joe is a Field Energy Advisor who wobbles back and forth excitedly like he’s in the middle of giving birth to a supermodel, and has consumed enough energy drinks to supply power to all of Finland!
Aaron is a biology teacher who looks just like a guy I dated once who made me pay for everything, pointed out all my zits, and generally treated me badly, so I love him.
Alessandro is a Grain Merchant from Brazil! I know what you’re thinking… ANOTHER grain merchant from Brazil? Seen one, seen ’em all, right?
This is Jef.
Jef with one “f.”
And a skateboard.
He says he doesn’t know why, but people tend to not take him seriously
It’s MC Stevie! MC Stevie never goes anywhere without his boom box! MC Stevie thinks Jennifer Beals is super bitchin’! MC Stevie is totally stoked they’ve invented Accutane! MC Stevie is this close to figuring out his Rubik’s Cube, and is really hoping Luke and Laura eventually find their way to each other.
Special Guest Appearance by Jonathan Winters.
When a guy first meets you and says, “All my friends call me ‘Wolf’!” it’s best not to let him know you have a six year old daughter.
Travis thought he’d break the ice with that old chestnut from Dating 101: “So you’re probably wondering why I’m holding this egg.”
Last but not least, arriving via helicopter, is Kalon, the luxury brand consultant and guy who apparently believes every girl wants to fall into the arms of the title character from American Psycho.
WHEW! I don’t know about you, but I’m
super horned up tired already. I can’t wait to see what happens next!
FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE
As The Bachelorette season premiere gets thirty minutes less air time than The Bachelor season premiere, Emily really needed to get a wiggle on. There really wasn’t much time to set any too many conflicts. No one likes Kalon, who described himself as a “hopeless romantic” but that everyone else called “helicopter guy.” Boy, the competition to be witty with the guys is fierce this year, isn’t it?
As for the First Impression Rose, that went to Doug the Hugger, who played the best hand anyone could possibly think of to snag the attentions of our fair Homespum. He had his son, Austin, write a letter directly to Emily telling her how his daddy tucks him in every night, gives him lots of big hugs and is always being funny. Homespun’s heart was melted by the touching letter and she just couldn’t wait to pin that rose onto Doug’s lapel.
I myself am still suspicious, mostly because the last line of the letter read, “P.S. My daddy has no STD’s, is hung like a bull elephant, and only requires anal on month-aversaries!”
And before you know it, we’re at the Rose Ceremony. Among those given a pass to next week were Helicopter Guy Kalon, Race Car Arie, Metal Head Charlie, Jef with one F, Corn Dog Joe, My Ex-Boyfriend Aaron, John the “Wolf,” Kraft Taco Cheese Tony, and Ostrich Egg Travis.
And sent packing – well, actually they weren’t around long enough to un-pack… nevertheless we won’t have the following dudes to kick around anymore.
Brent the Technology Salesman, who, when asked about finding love, replied.. “at my age… with six kids… not a high probability.”
Jean-Paul the Marine Biologist : “It felt like my heart fell on the floor and got trampled.”
And Jackson, the Fitness Model. Jackson the Fitness Model knows the “First Rule” of Bachelorette: Always Be Auditioning for Bachelor Pad.
Whew… the first Rose Ceremony is always the toughest, but I’m feeling like Emily’s really got a shot at finding the man of her dreams. What about you? Looking ahead, we’ve got… castles, kilts, archery, cliff diving, and Dolly Parton… as Homespun Emily continues her search to find her great Southern Comfort.
All in a day’s work when you’re The Bachelorette!