If one of my siblings or my mother or father becomes famous and gets to be on Dancing with the Stars before I do, that’s pretty much gonna be it for my relationship with them.
I’m not kidding. I’ll cut that family fucker right out of my life.
I don’t even care that they’d be able to get me some good seats to watch Derek Hough shirtless… and I’m talking “Florence Henderson” good… right up in the front! Not those chintzy, upper rafter seats where you can find the cousins of all the lighting guys and Season Four’s John Ratzenberger desperately waving at the camera like they’re flagging in a distressed plane for an emergency landing.
In the race for fame, I’m pretty sure everyone else in my family is ahead of me. After all, they’ve all got that one “thing” they can point to… that characteristic or quality that defines them for the rest of the world… professional success, moneymaker, joker, disciplinarian, athlete, compulsive liar, drug dealer…
Just like all the celebrities on Dancing with the Stars, everybody in my famiy fits nicely into an easily definable and readily understood personality cubby hole.
Everyone except me.
I’m still sort of waiting for my defining quality… those select two or three phrases that will sit just below my name in a slightly smaller font when I’m introduced in my Dancing with the Stars rehearsal tape package, and later, on the door of my crypt.
I really don’t want my graphic to read: “Gary Green. Makes Great Pizza. Still Holding on to a 32-inch waist. Once met Gilligan.” Those bullet points won’t even get me to Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.
So, I’m still waiting for that “thing.” You know… that personality kernel that suddenly pops up big in your life when you least expect it and thrusts you down that path of ease and adulation you’re certain you were always meant to have.
Until then, please enjoy my recap of tonight’s Dancing with the Stars Motown special. I promise not to skim on the snark and the sarcasm. Because really, it’s all I’ve got.
That and the Limited Time GetGlue sticker I got for checking in tonight.
Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus – Rhumba to “My Girl” – It was another slow, methodical, near-comatose performance from these two. Watching Gladys and Tristan dance is like watching toast cool.
But Gladys Knight is like the bailiff on Judge Judy… she’s so completely inoffensive and so peripheral to the current proceedings, you can try to not love her, but you’ll just feel like a tool for doing it.
And what was up with Tristan’s ill-chosen purple “pent-up schoolboy” ensemble complete with nerdy eyeglass and wrap strap? He looked like a rejected Batman villain or the high school tattletale who color codes his homework and gets made fun of for being “too square” by the Archie gang. I’m pretty sure the female viewers prefer their Tristan MacManus shirtless, and it could translate into a dangerous vote plunge for these two.
Len: “If I could judge purely with my heart, you’d be at the top of the leader board.”
Bruno: “It’s undeniable. You have star quality.”
Carrie Ann: “I would pay so much money to see that dance again, but the truth is there were a lot of forgetful moments.”
Maria Menounos and Derek Hough – Fox Trot to “Jimmy Mack” – Poor Maria almost tripped on the stairs and fell out of sync with Derek. She bobbed up, he bobbed down. She jazz-handed to the left, he did the “half sunrise.” It was like a talent show scene out of Laverne and Shirley.
Once they caught back up with each other, there were some nice twirls, some nice extends, but nothing we haven’t seen countless times before. Wonder Bread looks at these two and yawns. You can see for yourself after the jump:
Carrie Ann: “Everything you hit you hit so perfectly. Excellent work, beautiful!”
Len: “This was a joy to my eyes.”
Bruno: “That was a gleaming blend of sophistication. What a shame you lost your footing.”
Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower – Rhumba to “Cruisin'” – Chelsie in the tape piece said the following: “I know there’s a strong, sensual man somewhere inside of Roshon, and I’m determined to pull it out of him.” Unfortunately for Chelsie, the problem is I don’t think the strong, sensual man is due to come out for another few years yet. At least let the poor boy get an SAT practice exam under his belt first.
Chelsie tried to make Roshon hot, and it was just plain uncomfortable. It’s like when the intern at work sends you a friend request. You feel like an old fuddy-duddy if you don’t accept, and a Letourneau if you do.
Roshon went for a lot of hip thrusts this week, and apparently it was a mis-calculation, as the rhumba is less about hitting the beat and more about following through with movement.
Additionally, Chelsie’s outfit made her look like the Queen of the “112th Tournament of MILFS Parade.”
I just felt dirty watching them. I’d be afraid to have a vote for them show up on my phone records, just in case I ever run for elected office.
The judges were not wowed either.
Bruno: “What you lack in size, you make up in fire… but the movement was not correct for the rhumba.”
Carrie Ann: “In general, I thought your movements were a bit over-exaggerated tonight.”
Len: “The movement was clipped and jerky. It was like painting by numbers. I didn’t dislike it, but I wasn’t overboard for it.”
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas – Samba to “Can’t get Next to You” – What is left to be said about these two? They simply have no equal this season. Plus, they’re both the exact same degree of hot. If I had to pick one of them to come over and eat grapes with me by the fire, I’d have to leave it up to my Magic 8-Ball to decide for me. Or maybe I’d invite them both over to eat grapes with each other by the fire, while I just sat on the couch and watched, dressed up like a French maid.
Katherine and Mark never miss a step. They’re always in perfect sync. They make it look totally effortless. And if you didn’t know who was the professional and who was the amateur, you could easily call it wrong.
Len: “Was there an earthquake, or did Katherine just shake this place up?”
Bruno: “Oh baby baby! You can bounce and you can funk… the both of you!”
Carrie Ann: “You let it loose. That was amazing!”
SCORE: 29/30 – Why exactly is Len holding back?
Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd – Fox Trot to “The Way You Do The Things You Do” – Donald Driver in a blue tux looks hot. White guys in a blue tux look like nerds who eat paper and always have model glue under their fingernails.
The judges didn’t agree with me, but I did not consider the Fox Trot to be Donald’s best dance. He was swinging to be sure, but he looked a little hesitant in his transitions, and he also nearly dropped Peta on the ground. Did anyone else see that?
Normally, I would not like when a dancer on this show gets dropped, but as Peta was promoted up from that group of scheming little manipulators known as the “Dancing with the Stars Troupe,” I’m all for it. They’re the Eve Harringtons of this show (or for you youngins, the Ellis from Smash).
So I say… drop away. In fact, if you want to toss Peta across the room and knock out that weasley little Kiki Nyemchek in the process, by all means!
Carrie Ann: “You were so in your zone!”
Len: “This guy can be a GREAT dancer!”
Bruno: “Donald, you are a showman! Your performances get better and better.”
Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy – Viense Waltz to “Ooh Baby Baby” – Finally, these two get to slow it down. Finally, Melissa does not have a look on her face that says she’s just taken a bite out of a sandwich with way too much mustard on it.
Nothing too impressive here. The lines were only okay. The movement looked a little forced. I really don’t see these two sticking around much longer, do you?
Bruno: “You kept your connection with Maks. Whatever he did, it worked! I think you’re really going in the right direction.”
Carrie Ann: “You worked so hard, and it is finally paying off. I see artistry blossoming in you.”
Len: “I saw rotation, I saw romance, I saw control. You lost a bit of energy at the end.”
Jaleel White and Kym Johnson – Cha Cha Cha to “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” – Even Jaleel White shirtless last week wasn’t enough to keep this pair out of the bottom two. And if that wasn’t bad enough, they were forced into that lame “Dance-off” with Gavin and Karina, where the outcome was clear from the first beat.
I feel like the producers have really mis-calculated adding the “Dance-off” to determine who ultimately gets booted off the show each week. Wasn’t it already working well enough as it was? I think it would be way more fun to have two couples in the bottom two do something totally not dance related… like plate spinning, naked Simon Says, or mime.
Jaleel and Kym looked sharp together, like two true performers. Best of all, Jaleel was completely in control of Kym the entire time, instead of having to rely on her to subtly indicate where he’s supposed to step next. And, everything on Jaleel’s face says “entertainer.” Where Mark and Katherine have the class and precision, Jaleel and Kym have the showmanship. The audience went bananas. For Jaleel White, a second chance has come a-callin’.
Len: “You’re back!”
Bruno: “That was the biggest sizzler of the season! You’ve come back BIG TIME!”
Carrie Ann: “Consider the A-game brought to the table. Welcome back!”
William Levy and Cheryl Burke – Rhumba to “Being With You” – I once tried to pull off a bronze lamé shirt unbuttoned halfway to my navel. I didn’t look half as good as William Levy does, plus they kicked me out of Cub Scouts.
This was a pretty smoking hot number. I was a little embarrassed watching. I found myself continually looking around like I did when I was a kid and I snuck out to the living room to watch scrambled porn after everyone else went to sleep.
I wish I was as tall as William. I tell everyone I’m six feet, but I’m only five-eleven and a half. The woman at the DMV busted me on it. She said her dog on its hind legs was six feet and there’s no way I was as tall as her dog. I countered, “Yeah, but does your dog know how to make pizza crust from scratch?” She said “yes,” so I just shut up and took my moped renewal form to Window 12.
Carrie Ann: “On behalf of all of the women out there, I thank you. But I’m gonna tell you something.. I don’t think that was your best dance.”
Len: “To me, it was a little bit on the raunchy side. Anyone can rock their hips from side to side. I found it a little bit harsh and a tad hectic.”
Bruno: “Absolute and utter filth, and I loved every minute of it! You two are wired for sex”
Then came the Motown Dance Marathon. All the teams took to the floor, and were tapped out one by one, with the last team standing earning the most points. Really, this is just filler now that there aren’t enough teams left to fill two hours. Again, I suggest plate spinning. I know people at ABC read this, so if you see it happen next week, you can thank me.
First out were Gladys and Tristan (that’s a three-point addition to their score). They were followed by Maria and Derek (four points added), Roshon and Chelsie (five points), Melissa and Maks (six points), Donald and Peta (seven), Jaleel and Kym (eight) and William and Cheryl (nine points), meaning Katherine and Mark win the Motown Marathon and the full ten points, to the surprise of absolutely nobody.
HICH SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Mark and Katherine with 39/40
LOW SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Gladys and Tristan with 24/40
WHO’S GOING HOME? Tomorrow night I’m predicting a Dance-Off between Gladys and Tristan and Melissa and Maks. Since neither Gladys nor Melissa is a very good dancer, I predict Tristan and Maks will team up and continue in the competition as a couple. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t keep watching.