Did you know that there are lyrics to the theme music for Dancing with the Stars?  I wrote them myself.  I sing them as the Dancing with the Stars celebrities each make their vanity entrances down that giant, Lite Brite staircase.  Because when one makes an entrance, is a full band and a boisterous and adoring proclomation from host Tom Bergeron ever enough?

Along with my summation of each performance from tonight’s “Worst Fucking Year Ever in My Life” Theme Night, I’ve included the lyrics for you to sing along as you’re doing your best paso doble into the living room with the guac and Tostitos at the start of next week’s show.  Go ahead!  Sing ‘em high!  Sing ‘em loud!  They’re completely royalty-free.  Just remember… that smile on your face as you drift off to sleep next Monday night… Tv Food and Drink put it there.

Jack Wagner and Anna Trebunskaya – Samba
(“Jack Wagner played Fris-co Jones. Dum dee duh dum DUM!” )

Jack danced his samba tonight in honor of the daughter he never knew he had until she introduced herself before one of his concerts in Florida.  None of that explains this move, however…
No one ever has a reason to do this in public unless they’ve had one too many Honolulu Lulu’s while limboing up on the Lido Deck, but at least Jack kept to a minimum the crazy faces he gave to camera.  Total Count = 1.
Len: “I liked the rhythm that you showed, especially in your hips!”
Bruno: “Your timing was much much better.”
Carrie Ann: “I was crying in your package.”  (Did anyone else need a second to realize she actually meant Jack’s tape package?)

SCORE: 24/30 - Jack’s highest score so far, three points higher than last week.

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough
(“Derek Hough’s a su-per twink. Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Derek and Maria danced the Rhumba … to Madonna’s “Material Girl,”… a slowed-down, achy, Tori Amos, “I just got out of bed and I’ve got the stomach flu… hand me a microphone” version of “Material Girl.”  It was unmemorable.  The dance was fluid and elegant, albeit too orange for my taste.  No one should ever look this orange unless they got too much sun after accidentally falling asleep in a lounge chair on the Promenade Deck.

I really need to go on a cruise.

Bruno: “I felllllllttttttt it!” (One suspects Bruno always feels it when Derek’s hopping around in front of him)
Carrie Ann: “I know you’ve got a hurt rib.  I didn’t see a sign of it anywhere.”
Len: “It had smoldering intensity.  Your technique was very good.  Overall, fabulous dance.”

SCORE:  27/30 - two ticks up from last week.

Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus
(“Seniors never get the votes.  Dum dee duh dum DUM!”)  

Gladys and Tristan took on the Foxtrot.  Gladys seems to have improved her fluidity from last week, but that’s really about all you can say.   The choreography wasn’t terribly ambitious, and the transitions from one pose to the next were always just the tiniest bit stalled.  Toss in the standard adjectives for competitors on this show in the plus-50 categories: “Elegant,” “Graceful,” “Well-represented,” and you can go ahead and start the clock ticking on “Gladys Time.”

Carrie Ann: “I saw improvement this week.  Sensuous and soulful, rich and divine!”
Len: “Can I please be a Pip?”
Bruno: “You were absolutely gorgeous!”

SCORE – 24/30 – five points higher than last week, and Gladys was pretty much over the moon about it.  Her genuine enthusiasm as she darted around the Celebrequarium was infectious (and might ring her up some extra votes).  And I agree with Tom… “Love that smile!”

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower -
(“I don’t know who this guy is!  Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Roshon was excited to do a Samba with a Michael Jackson twist.  There was an abundance of gyrating and booty-shaking, but I don’t think it’s fair they have a guy so young and spry go right after Gladys Knight.  It’s like dropping a kitten with a springy mouse toy next to my 14 year old cat and asking them to compete for “cute points.” Wouldn’t you agree, Z?

Len: “I liked the devil-may-care attitude.  I would have liked to have seen a little more traditional samba.”
Bruno: “Michael Jackson would love it and so do I!”
Carrie Ann: “I don’t think it was your best dance.”

SCORE: 25/30

Gavin DeGraw and Karina Smirnoff
(“Gavin’s thinning up-on-top. Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Gavin and Karina’s rhumba was a definite improvement over last week, though I’m really not a fan of “New York State of Mind,” one of those songs snooty East Coasters like to rub in your faces when they catch you reading The Los Angeles Times or clapping after a share at the AA meeting.  On the other hand,  Gavin’s quite a sexy fella.  He can leave his hat on, if you know what I mean (Gross. I sound like Bruno).

Bruno: “I really hope you come back because I want to see you turning well.” (He means “pivot-turns.”  Experienced choreographers like me and Bruno know to look for that)
Carrie Ann: “My heart’s going all fluttery for you, Gavin.”
Len: “I saw good hips… more musicality… progression, week after week.”

SCORE: 24/30 - Yes, 24… the most non-committal of all the scores.  But I will say this right now… I bet we see Gavin in the the semi-finals.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas
(I never sing when Mark comes down the stairs.  That would be rude to Mark.  I just marvel at that beaming, humble smile)

I think we’re looking at our winners, don’t you?  Katherine and Mark are just smoking together.  They’re like the parents of another kid in your class who come to your fourth grade talent show, and they’re so gorgeous you secretly wish they were your parents.  But then one day, you actually go over to their house and you find out they’ve only got one room decorated, they let their baby run around in a grimy jumper, and they think it’s fun to eat dog treats.  Believe whatever you want, gorgeous people always turn out to be the neighborhood freaks.

The waltz was pretty mesmerizing. Here’s the video. Try not to picture them with Snausages hanging out their mouths.

SCORE: 29/30 - The high score of the night, and tens from both Carrie Ann and Bruno

Sherri Shepherd and Val Chmerkovskiy
(“Here comes this year’s hefty gal!  Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Does anyone know… is three weeks the longest Val has ever stayed on this show?  His and Sherri’s rhumba was a little heavy on the dramatics.  The two of them tooled around the floor giving each other Harlequin Romance faces and stopping dramatically every few seconds to come together and take in one another’s sex scent.  But none of that matters.  We’re all watching Sherri just because we want to take another peek and her super-cute kid.  Am I right?
Len: “I appreciated the emotion you put into that dance.”
Bruno: “Mama can move!  MAMA CAN MOOOOOVE!”
Carrie Ann:  ”Your lines tonight were the best I’ve seen.”

SCORE:  24/30

SIDE BAR – If Damon Wayans Junior had been on In Living Color, I never would have missed it.

Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
(“No one on the show like Maks.  Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Melissa revealed in her tape package that she broke her back while touring in the Little House on the Prairie musical.  I don’t know what she said after that because I had to go into the bathroom and flush out my ears.

Middle-of-the-Pack Melissa wasn’t really able to add any edge to her persona this week.  Even with the band, the lights, and the disco balls, it always looks like she’s doing everything she can just to keep up, though the judges didn’t seem to agree.

Bruno: “Melissa… great!”
Carrie Ann: “This is the first time I saw you really let go.”
Len: “A story that had a happy ending… you have come into the competition.”

SCORE: 24/30

Jaleel White and Kym Johnson
(“He had his own cer-e-al.  Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Jaleel’s certainly smooth on the floor, and his fan base is just the right age to tune into this show and vote, so expect to see more of him.  The dance didn’t bust its way out of the box this week, but Jaleel will probably never embarrass.

Carrie Ann: “You just glided through that rhumba like it was nobody’s business.”
Len: “It was a little stiff in the arms.”
Bruno: I couldn’t understand a word he said.

In the Celebrequarium, Jaleel said that Steve Urkel and his alter-ego, “Stephan Urkel” were his “Mickey Mouse.”  Then he sobbed and said, “I love entertaining people!” I haven’t been this confused since I learned there was a Little House on the Prairie musical.

SCORE 25/30

William Levy and Cheryl Burke -
(“I expect less clothes than that.  Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

It was William Levy dancing the samba tonight.  A couple stumbles near the end.  But it was still about as hot as you’d expect when you watch William Levy dancing the samba with an open linen shirt  My calves started to twitch.  I’m either having a physical response to William, or I overdosed on Vitamin E today.

Len: “Will, you put a whole new meaning into ‘Free Willy’”
Carrie Ann: “I want to go to Cuba now!”
Bruno asked William to come closer, shook his hand, and then ogled him the way I ogle chocolate chocolate chip muffins in the pastry case.

SCORE: 28/30

Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd
(“This guy plays some kind of sport. Dum dee duh dum DUM!”) 

Poor Donald and Peta’s rhumba had the misfortune of having to follow up William and Cheryl’s samba.  Who’d want to go after them?  Did you watch William and Cheryl?  They had more energy than the end of that Old El Paso commercial where the little girl suggests her family have both hard and soft shell tacos, and there’s a total uprising in Costa Rica over it.

After Mark and Katherine, Donald and Peta definitely look the most suited for one another as partners.  But let’s face it… it’s the last dance before the exit.  I’ve been sitting on my ancient ass for two whole hours by this point.  Unless there’s a giant confetti explosion, or Margaret Cho and Carson Kressley come dashing out at the end dressed as giant parrots and shaking maracas, I’m not gonna get all worked up over it.

Carrie Ann: “The passion that you just expressed was mesmerizing.”
Len: “I didn’t expect a great big hunky dunky football guy to come out and dance with such warmth and emotion.”
Bruno: “I think this is gonna turn into the Battle of the Hunks.”  (That’s what I say to MG every time we play Words with Friends)

SCORE: 26/30

HICH SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Katherine and Mark

LOW SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Five-way tie between Jack and Anna, Gladys and Tristan, Gavin and Karina, Sherri and Val, and Melissa and Maks.  See I told you 24 was the most non-committal of all the scores

WHO’S GOING HOME? Apparently the ladies love Tristan, but will that be enough to save Gladys Knight?  I hope so.  The best joke I can come up with about her leaving involves her song “Midnight Train to Georgia,” and that’s just embarrassing.  Not as embarrassing as a middle-aged man writing his own lyrics to the Dancing with the Stars theme, but…