Hey there! Are you going to remember to set your clocks forward an hour tonight? It’s crucial you don’t forget.
We need to all do this together. That way, tomorrow morning we’ll all look equally tired and washed out from being deprived that whole hour of sleep. It’s not fair if some of us look more attractive and desirable than others. That’s why the federal government initiated daylight savings time, you know. Outward mutual sickliness brings a society together.
If we all look equally disgusting and troll-like tomorrow, we’ll be able to release some of the resentment we hold for the beautiful people God put on this planet to be more successful and popular than we are… lookers like Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron. They could go a full month without sleep and if you ran into them in public, they’d still look refreshed and eager to make us believe they’re ready to have sex with us right on the spot. I know this for a fact because I once ran into Jon Hamm at Gelsons and he definitely looked ready to throw me down right there in front of the Gorton’s fish fillets. But I had to hurry home because Cake Boss was starting.
When we happily embrace the world’s more beautiful people, we readily support their entertainment projects with our hard-earned dollars. When we do this, the entertainment economy is stimulated. And when that happens, more projects are greenlit, leading to new job opportunities and a corrected career path for me!
You can guess the rest, right? When I have work, I have disposable income. And when I have disposable income, I can afford the ingredients necessary to make visually appealing, flavorful dessert treats.
I need your help, readers. Money’s tight, and right now I can only afford to make myself and those I love chicken sandwiches on sourdough. And chicken sandwiches on sourdough are a lot like poodles. You can try all the lighting tricks and camera angles in the world. They still end up looking like something you’d never show off on the web as something you served on a plate and invited others to eat.
So be sure to set those clocks back tonight. Write a reminder on your hand. Carve it into your bathroom mirror with soap. Whatever it takes. I want to keep bringing these cookies into your home. The Keebler Elves do it out of the goodness of their hearts, but I can’t. My rent is super high. The Keebler Elves live in a tree that’s been paid off for years.
Oatmeal Toffee Crunch Cookies
- 1 cup old-fashioned oats
- 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
- 1 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
- 1 cup (packed) light brown sugar
- 1 cup sugar
- 2 large eggs
- 1 1/3 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- 10 ounces English toffee candy (recommended: Heath or Skor bar), finely chopped
- 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F.
Line 2 heavy large baking sheets with parchment paper. Finely chop the oats in a food processor. Transfer the oats to a medium bowl. Mix in the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.
Using an electric mixer, beat the butter and sugars in a large bowl until fluffy. Beat in the eggs and vanilla. Add the flour mixture and stir just until blended. Stir in the toffee and chocolate chips.
For each cookie, drop 1 rounded tablespoonful of dough onto sheet, spacing 1-inch apart (do not flatten dough). Bake until the cookies are golden (cookies will flatten slightly), about 15 minutes.
Cool the cookies on the baking sheets for 5 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack and cool completely. (The cookies can be prepared 1 day ahead. Store airtight at room temperature.)