Bachelor 16-1 Recap: Winemaker Ben “Sloppylocks” Flajnik Seeks SWF to Help Squeeze His Grapes

Was Ben Flajnik really the best choice for this season’s Bachelor?  On the one hand, he certainly deserves a second shot after having his heart crushed by Ashley on last season’s Bachelorette.  On the other hand, the guy demonstrates about as much charisma and passion as that old Ace of Base T-shirt we all have hanging up in our closet and refuse to throw away just in case we have to paint the garage one day.

There’s really not that much to say about old Ben, though he should at least be given some props for refusing to give up on that Sloppylocks hairstyle.  Clearly, the man let his subscription to Variety expire or else he would have known that the The Prince of Persia flopped at the box office.  Apparently ABC is planning on getting a lot of mileage out of mild-mannered Ben’s reaction shots to the 25 cray-crays who make up this season’s Crab Shack roomies.

So without further delay… let’s meet the ladies.  Which ones suffer from body dysmorphic disorder?  Who’s most likely to be the first to yack into the jacuzzi?  Who spells their name with a “double e” when a “y” would be perfectly acceptable?

And what’s with Grandma?

All your questions are about to be answered.

First out of the gate is Rachel, the Fashion Sales Rep.  The most that can be said about her is that since she was first to meet Ben, she’s presented as almost not crazy. The jury is out on her until February sweeps when we discover that she runs her own coven and is making a prairie skirt out of her younger sister’s skin.

Make way for Erika the Law Student.  She accuses Ben of being “guilty… of sexiness!”  She accompanies this insightful remark with double finger-guns and a big smile. “That was fun,” Ben moaned half-heartedly like he just sat through his little niece performing “The Peanut Butter and Jelly Song” with the Taylor Swift home microphone she got for Christmas.

This is Amber Bacon.  Her friends call her “The Baconator!”

She admitted this freely.

I don’t know much about straight guys, but I’m pretty sure they’re not super into girls who can be compared to the cured meat prepared from a pig.  But don’t go by me. The last time I kissed a girl, it was to celebrate the series finale of Cheers.

Riding in first class on the Slap-Crackers Train is NYC Blogger, Jenna. If you watched the show, you know that there’ll be more on her later. If you didn’t watch, I’ll just let you know that it has something to do with the sharing of tampons.

This is Courtney. She’s a model, and if you didn’t catch her profession the first time, fear not. Courtney throws around the word “model” as often as Chris Brown throws around first dates.

What can we say about Holly, the Pharmaceutical Sales Rep from Kentucky? She let Ben know that Kentucky is known for beautiful horses and fast women. Or maybe it was fast horses and beautiful women. Or maybe it was women with horse feet? I don’t know. I saw the hat and drifted off to when I sat next to Beatrice and Eugenia at the Royal Wedding.

It turns out the Grandma we saw in the teaser commercials isn’t actually competing on the show this season. No, Cheryl was merely on board to pimp out her grand-daughter, Brittney. Missed opportunity, Bachelor! I would have physically forced everyone I knew to tune in this season if Cheryl was truly in the running. Can you imagine all the new ground that could have been broken by the franchise? The one-on-one date where Ben and Grandma take a maroon Lincoln Continental up to the craft fair to see how shrunken apple head dolls are made, followed by a moonlight stroll outside the Dick Van Dyke museum where Ben softly sings the lyrics to “Jeepers Creepers” while Cheryl shows him how to eat half a hard candy and save the rest for later? (Hey come on… these are jokes about the budget for Bachelor dates! Not senior citizens. Dick Van Dyke is an Emmy winner, for Christ sake!)

Lyndise J. is originally from England, so apparently there’s going to be a murder mystery this season.  Hooray!   She also likes to rap.  And you probably thought there was no way to rhyme the word “Parliament.”

Monica is a Dental Consultant. What does a Dental Consultant do? I’m picturing her standing around saying things like, “Yes, that’s the perfect lead apron!” and “More than one visible Filipino behind the reception desk is just bad form.”

Shaun is a professional cheese smuggler. How she gets ’em in is a total mystery.

And the one riding in on a horse? That was Lindzi C., the Business Development Manager. Is it just me, or is The Bachelor running out of interesting ways to get these girls into the mansion? By my calculations, it’ll be only two more seasons before they either start launching them in by catapult or forcing them to eat their way through an underground tunnel. Maybe that’d be enough to kill off Two and a Half Men.

As The First Impression Rose cocktail party got underway, Ben lumbered from woman to woman with the enthusiasm of a little boy being forced to thank all his aunts for the Bar Mitzvah gifts. Meanwhile, Blogger Jenna confronted Dental Consultant Monica about her seemingly overly-casual attitude to the proceedings, setting up this season’s inaugural “girl-on-girl conflict” story line. “I’m not here to party!” Jenna insisted, though she apparently failed to notice the Crown Royale label hanging off the end of her hair.
But I will give her this – she did seem to be right on the money about Monica, who was far less interested in wooing Ben than she was in snoodling up to VIP cocktail waitress Blakely, setting up this season’s inaugural “girl-on-girl lesbian nutbag obsession” story line.  It wasn’t long before Fashion Sales Rep Rachel brought Jenna and Monica together to iron out the differences that had etched themselves into their souls woe these past 11 minutes.  The renewal of sisterhood went something like this.

Monica: “What’s wrong?”
Jenna: “I just feel like you don’t like me.”
Monica: “I don’t know you.”
Jenna: “I know, but you act like you don’t like me.”
Monica: “I don’t know you.”
Jenna: “I know you don’t.”
Monica: “I don’t get it.”
Jenna: “Don’t make fun of me.”
Monica: “I don’t know you.  Like… you’re a girl…  you’re here.   We’re on the same terms tonight.”
Jenna: “Totally.  You’re a girl.  Maybe we can share a tampon sometime.”

Not exactly Louisa May Alcott, is it?  Monica went on to accuse Jenna of not being classy. Jenna demanded to know why Monica hated her.  Monica threatened to cut Jenna’s face off. Jenna ran off to the bathroom and had a screaming match with herself in the mirror, which leads me to wonder… did we actually need 25 women this time around?  It would appear Jenna has enough personalities on her own to single-handedly fill out the entire season herself, along with next season, and a few years of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant to boot!

As for the First Impression Rose, Sloppylocks gave it to Horse Rider Lindsie C.  He told her he was giving it to her because she came across as funny and down-to-earth, though who wouldn’t look like that after spending any amount of time in the same room with Jenna-In-The-Box?

Jenna whimpered and limped back from gnawing on a toilet paper roll in the bathroom long enough to join the rest of her besties for the Rose Ceremony.  She amazingly snagged herself a ticket to Week Two (though did you really expect they’d get rid of her that quickly?) along with Fashion Sales Rep Rachel, “Object of My Lesbian Affection” Blakely, “Nana Loves Me” Britney, Cheese Smuggler Shaun, “Did You Hear I’m a Model?” Courtney, and 12 other lucky lonelyhearts.

And among those swept out of the Crab Shack faster than Happy Feet 2 was swept out of the theaters:

“Baconater” Amber: “There’s only ONE Amber Bacon!”

British Super-Sleuth Lindsey J.: “I feel like such a loser!  Such an absolute failure!”

And this girl.  We know next to nothing about her.  “What did I do wrong?”

And there’s your 2011 Bachelor cast!  In other life developments, tonight my boyfriend discovered that the man arrested for the Hollywood arsons was his next door neighbor!

My twitter buddy, @CraftChat, couldn’t have put it any better: “Crime doesn’t pay, but the promise of a rose?  Priceless!”

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