Slither up and get cozy with the largest snake ever found.
File this one under “Fossilized Examples of Growth Gone Wild,” “Things My Boyfriend Will Definitely Make Me DVR,” or ” Creatures That if I Ever Encounter, I Will Immediately Curl Up Into a Ball and Begin Sobbing Uncontrollably, Unable to Stop Until it Finishes Digesting My Sorry, Cream Puff Ass.”
Smithsonian Channel is set to air a documentary entitled Titanoboa: Monster Snake, starring the fossilized remains of the largest snake ever found, unearthed in a Colombian open-pit coal mine back in 2002.
A previously undiscovered species, the fossils of Titanoboa cerrejonesis measure — get this — 48 feet long! And it’s estimated that, full grown, the world’s biggest snake would have weighed over one-and-a-half-tons. Just imagine a black scaly school bus with a forked tongue that regularly swallows Jerry Springer guests for breakfast. That should give you an idea of how this post-prehistoric gansta mo-fo liked to bring it to the playground.
The documentary, produced in association with HistoryTelevision Canada and distributed by Fremantle Media Enterprises (FME), airs this spring.
Come over and watch it with me and MG. He’ll be in the kitchen making tacos and serving up mojitos. I’ll be under the bed, chewing anxiously on the dust ruffle and soiling myself until it’s over.