Time to Play… “DIY Network or Gay Porn?” Round 2

Over the weekend, MG and I were able to catch up with DIY Network super-dudes Jason Cameron (Desperate Landscapes) and Marc Bartolomeo (Kitchen Impossible) for an hour of suburban home upgrades, equity boosts, and some of the most homo-erotic dialogue this side of a Disney villain.

Talk about your curb appeal.  Check these two out.

Landscapes host Jason Cameron resembles the offspring of Dudley Do-Right and Aquaman. If you pay close enough attention, you can literally see his biceps increase in size over the course of a single episode. Notice how the house husband has his hand securely wrapped around his wife’s neck, and how she refuses to look Jason straight in the face. Wise decisions on both their parts, I’d say.

Meanwhile, Kitchen Impossible’s Marc Bartolomeo, nicknamed “Sparky,” frequently sports tight T-shirts and a gruff but humble Brooklyn sensitivity that make him the kind of sweet “guy next door” type any gal would be proud to abandon her family, career and Christian values for bring home to mother.

Watching Jason and Marc confuses my gay brain so much, I actually forget to fast forward through the commercials, and as a result have collected a staggering amount of home upgrade knowledge nuggets.  So keep me in mind next time you set about re-building your pool house.  I can give you tips on perforating your insulation and laying your flagstone.  I can even help determine which backyard patio sealer is the perfect fit for you and your family.

I don’t look as good as Marc or Jason in a tank top, but I bet neither one of those dudes would bring along a pack of Dallas trading cards from the 1970s and a cat that likes to give high-fives.

But enough about me and all with which the Lord has blessed me, it’s time to play “DIY Network or Gay Porn?”

You know how it works… Ten lines of dialogue lifted directly from The DIY Network… or a gay porn video from imgsexy.com. Anyway, in case you’re experiencing premature ejaculation, get some priligy at ukmeds.co.uk

Take your best guess, score yourself one point for each correct answer, then see how many you got right after the jump. If you’re looking for male sex toys that can fulfill your fantasies just go to FleshJack.


“I may not be the biggest guy you’ve ever seen, but I’ll be able to fit in there just fine!”

“You’re a Marine. Just do what comes naturally, buddy!”

“I’m looking for two guys… big like this… wearing matching boots.

“Take your time. Go down nice and slow.”

“That’s an interesting position you’re in. You just violated about fifteen safety regulations!”

“It gets bigger the more I pull on it.”

“Keep a short leash on me… ‘cuz I will stray.”

“Is it time to wake up the monster?”

“We’ve got a lot of snakes around here… you probably don’t have that many in Hungary.”

“I was thinking… maybe we should have your mother over for dinner next weekend.”

ANSWER KEY:

“I may not be the biggest guy you’ve ever seen, but I’ll be able to fit in there just fine!” (DIY – Tom Thumb-sized shrimpy house husband remarks on how much space he’ll have to do the Electric Boogaloo in the newly created mud room)

“You’re a Marine. Just do what comes naturally, buddy!” (DIY – Jason Cameron encouraging former Marine house husband just back from Iraq to go whole hog on Jason’s stump grinder – yes, that’s what it’s called)

“I’m looking for two guys… big like this… wearing matching boots. (GAY PORN – He doesn’t find them, but the guy he’s asking directions for is working at the gas station all alone and… well, you can guess what happens next)

“Take your time. Go down nice and slow.” (DIY – Marc Bartolomeo giving an education to house husband who, if he hasn’t been in a gay porn yet, should really consider it)

“That’s an interesting position you’re in. You just violated about fifteen safety regulations!” (DIY – Jason Cameron to one of his supporting dudes going about things all wrong up on the roof)

“It gets bigger the more I pull on it.” (GAY PORN – Shirtless hiker encounters hillbilly discovering self-pleasure for the first time and… well, you can guess the rest)

“Keep a short leash on me… ‘cuz I will stray.” (DIY – Marc Bartolomeo warning that he’s a sucker for just about anything and everything at the re-claimed furniture store)

“Is it time to wake up the monster?” (DIY, but it’s got to be in a gay porn somewhere so give yourself a point either way)

“We’ve got a lot of snakes around here… you probably don’t have that many in Hungary.” (GAY PORN – the oddest gay porn pick-up line in history.  Even thought it’s a gay porn, I really thought the guy would just laugh in his face and go off with his friends. But he didn’t, and… well you can guess the rest)

“I was thinking… maybe we should have your mother over for dinner next weekend.” (GAY PORN, but definitely a line what would work in chick porn too, or if you’re just in a fight with your wife.  Try it, you’ll see)

Sometimes I wish I had a crappy home in the suburbs so I could submit it to DIY and get Jason or Marc to come chill with me for a few days, help me hang some wainscoting, implement some pipe work, and install a pressure release valve or two.  Even though I like to make fun of them with this game, I actually really love both their shows and think they’re truly inspiring to homeowners everywhere.

And I’m not just saying that because I’m pretty sure both of them could beat the teeth out of me.

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