The Bachelorette Recap: July 11, 2011

8:00 pm – After a one week hiatus on her part and a tragic head cold on mine, Ashley and I are back on track together to find her true love.  Ashley and the six remaining bachelors are in Taiwan this week. Status update from Girl Dentist is as follows:

Ryan is “one of the guys I feel safe with.” (not gonna win)

Lucas is “a real genuine, great guy.” (not gonna win)

Ames is “sooooo sweet and soooo intelligent.” (DEFINITELY not gonna win)

Ben is “funny and has so many things going for him.” (also not going to win, but Ashley’s slightly more open-minded about him in case he ends up being rich)

Constantine is “easy to talk to… easy to look at.” (Ash is saving him to be her “rebound dude”)

JP “makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel secure.” (Based on the phenomenal amount of neuroses, anxieties and drama Ashley has been lugging all over the globe, I think we have our front-runner).

8:03 pm – Chris Harrison reiterates that hometowns are next week – “a huge step in a relationship,” though not nearly as huge a step as narrowing down the men you might want to marry from six to four.  It occurs to me that if a woman was doing this kind of thing in real-life she’d be labeled a world-class ho bucket.  Thank god for television.

8:09 pm – Date one goes to Constantine, who stopped at the nearest Taiwanese Gap to grab a shirt before hopping on board a steam engine with Ashley headed for a tiny village outside of Taipei. Constantine admits to camera that he’s worried about the hometowns, bringing the number of times the word “hometown” has been said in the last nine minutes to approximately thirty-two.

8:12 pm – Back at the hotel, the second date card arrives and poor Solar Panel Guy Ryan is left out yet again. I think the producers of this show hate Ryan.  He has yet to have a one-on-one with Ashley and he’s only one week away from hometowns.  Has everyone forgotten that if Ryan gets to take Ashley home they’ll be surrounded the stunning and awe-inspiring scenery that is a solar panel farm?  I say get these two together fast!  Nothing’s more romantic than watching a man and woman fall for each other under the glow of a packaged, interconnected assembly of solar cells.

8:16 pm – Constantine and Ashley agree that “you can’t hurry love.”  Then they agree that “love is a powerful emotion.”  These two really ought to be at a Phil Collins concert instead of an island in East Asia.

8:22 pm – Ben the Winemaker, Constantine’s evil twin, shows up for Date Number Two. Ashley surprises Ben with a moped. As they motor down the winding streets of love, Ashley kids Ben, “Keep your eyes on the road, buddy!” Ben says to Ashley, “It’s hard with the precious cargo I have behind me.”  I say to my cat, “You inflate my tires like no other!” because I don’t want to be left out.

8:25 pm – Ryan gets the Final One-On-One Date!  He gets so excited he starts doing “The Funky Chicken” around the room and accidentally hits his funny bone on the mini-bar.

8:26 pm – I text my sister, “Ryan’s gonna blow it big time!”

8:27 pm – My sister texts back, “Oh for sure!”

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